What do you think I did wrong when dealing with the breakup?

I was in a relationship with a girl for 4 years. Last year, she broke up with me, telling me she wanted to remain friends with me. Though I did accept this at first, staying friends was too hard for me. I would constantly blame myself for not being good enough for her which would cause me to have anxiety attacks and to throw up quite often. When she turned 18, I wished her a happy birthday, and told myself I would not contact her again (for a while), as I needed to get better. She replied "Thank you", but I remember not reading her message (she knew I did not, as I sent it on WhatsApp, and you can check that).

A month after that, my ex and her cousin (which is a friend of mine) sent me messages to see whether I blocked her or not. Her cousin asked me "What goes up and never goes down?" (just to show you how much I deemed their question to be useless) and, after I replied, my ex commented on my answers (and was waiting for me to reply to them). I kept talking to her cousin and when she asked me why I was ignoring my ex, I told her that "Fine, I'll talk to her" and then replied to my ex (I sent a quick response that ended the conversation)

After that, we didn't speak for a little more than a year but, as I felt guilty for "ignoring" her, I sent her a message to apologize for my behavior, explaining her that the break-up has been really hard for me to deal with and that I was sorry. She said that she finally understood why I did that and hoped we could remain friends.

Being friends was not an option for me, I just wanted to apologize for my behavior. I then told her that I was there for her if she needed me, but I would not ask her for some news, or start talking about my life, etc. I wished her an incredible life, and told her goodbye. I did not receive an answer to my message.

One of our common friends came to me about two weeks ago, and told me my ex cheated on me and that she wanted to leave me 1 year after we got together. I couldn't believe it, so I decided to ask my ex about it. I asked whether all I was told about her was true and, if it was, I wanted her to explain to me how she could do this to me. She replied telling me she did none of those things, that she never meant to be hurtful, that she tried dealing with this situation as maturely as she could, and that she did not appreciate having to justify herself for something I was told by others. I felt guilty because I was accusing her of some.terrible things and also because I felt like I jumped the gun in my message. I told her I was sorry, that I never deserved her and that I would stop bothering her from now on. I didn't receive an answer to my apology (though I wasn't really expecting one).

Last week, I managed to get my hands on conversations between my ex and our common friend. In those, she clearly talks about cheating on me (back in 2014) and about thinking that it will never work between us. (So, I have proof of everything I was told about my ex). It filled me with rage and, though I was ready to send her these screenshots and tell her that I could finally see the monster she is, I didn't do anything, as I know I would regret it (and I don't like having to take retaliatory measures).

I want to look back at this and see what I did wrong when dealing with the breakup (I don't think I'm all innocent and would really appreciate having an objective point of view on the situation), and what I can do in order to improve. I tried explaining the situation as objectively as I could, but keep in mind that this might still be a little subjective.

Why do you say you were not good enough for her or that you didn't deserve her?

Isn't this the same post under a different user name?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=553859

I'm curious as to why this matters now, OP. It's been over a year since you broke up.

That's a sincere question.

@boltnrun, No that's not me.

@MissCanuck, Why does this still matter given it's been a year since we broke up? Because I just got closure. She never explained to me why she ended the relationship, and what happened. I finally have a good idea of what happened, and I don't feel as bad as I used to about the situation. Which is why I have to look at what happened and learn from it, from my mistakes, and understand what I could have done to handle things correctly to be better in my next relationship. Also, this was the first relationship I was in, my first love, and my first heartbreak. It took a huge toll (and still is, but at a lower level) on me, and I really want to know what you guys think about it from an objective point of view.

@Morello I have a tendency of blaming myself too often. Since she did not give me an explanation (i.e she didn't tell me why she broke up), I assumed she just fell out of love because I was either too ugly, or too shy, etc.

there is nothing for you to really say, but think about how you are feeling right now any time you feel the urge to contact her or unblock her. She cheated on you and couldnt even be honest when confronted. You are young so I get that this is your first experience but youll eventually meet a woman whose into you and wouldn't even think of cheating

@boltnrun, No that's not me.

Hm, it's some of the exact same words. Just a coincidence I presume?

@boltnrun Again, that is not me. Our stories are somehow similar though.

@boltnrun Again, that is not me. Our stories are somehow similar though.

That's good because I feel you come across as in a healthier place than the other post. However, assuming someone broke up with you because you're ugly or shy doesn't bode well for your confidence level. I mean, I'm no beauty queen but I feel that I am a person of value who is intelligent, fun, funny, adventurous and is open to different experiences and opinions. If a guy decides he doesn't want to be with me, I figure it's because for whatever reason we were not right for one another. That's not to say it didn't hurt at the time, but with distance it's easier to see where we were incompatible.

@boltnrun Thank you for your answer. Perhaps if I blamed myslef for not being good enough is due to my lack of self-confidence. I'm taking your remarks into consideration, and they are really useful, thank you.

However, do you think that's the only mistake I amde when handling the breakup ?

I mean, you are not to blame for her cheating on you.

I would say dial back on the "apologies" if you're ever in this situation again. Apologies are not viewed the way you think they might be; they are usually seen as a bid for attention and as a transparent way to try to re-establish contact.

An ex of mine sent me an "apology" email and to be honest I laughed. He was a different type of person than you, though; cocky, male chauvinistic, saw women as his personal playthings. But regardless, these "apologies" are viewed as more for the person sending it than for the person being apologized to.

@boltnrun I'm a person that has tendency of feeling guilty all the time for everything I do. I apologized because I thought that if I did something wrong, it was my responsibility to tell the person that I regretted my wrongdoing. Thus, it is true that I apologize too often. She pointed that out a couple of times when we were together.

You really think that I should not have apologized for accusing her of cheating and jumping the gun on her? I mean I view this as totally disrespectful, given that at the time, I had no proof of what I was saying. I felt sooo guilty and so bad. I don't know. I hope she didn't laugh at me...

And if I apologized for ignoring one of her message is because I deemed my behavior as rude, and that is not something I have a tendency of doing.

It gets tiring, someone who apologizes all the time. It's a ploy to get sympathy and to look like a "nice" person, at least that's how it appears to the person who is receiving the endless apologies.

I bet most of the time what you did wasn't as bad as you thought it was.

@boltnrun I'm not gonna lie to you. I feel guilty for apologizing to her now. I can't erase what I messed up now. I'm sure it was very tiring for her, and there's a good chance she laughed or didn't care (I mean, she didn't reply to my apologies, so I guess it was of no importance to her). It makes me feel really bad though, as I feel like I was a worm seeking attention... Wow, I messed up badly

@boltnrun Thank you for your answer. I will look into ways to stop over-apoligizing. Hopefully, I'll get better.

Please do me a favor and do not even consider apologizing to her for apologizing too much!

@boltnrun Don't worry, I think that's the first lesson I learned. I won't apologize to her for apologizing too much.

Skyfall, boltrun is right. And this is not only about your love life, but your life in general.

I too was 'guilty' of apologising too much or saying thank you excessively, including when those things were not needed. It comes across as negative when you do it too much. A few years ago I started changing that. I'm not trying to get to the other extreme but trying to find a balance.

People start seeing you in a different light when you only thank or apologise only when you feel you need to do it. I'm not talking about normal courtesy, but about interactions with friends, family and close ones. People start valuing you more. Also, if you're always too available to help, your help will be under-appreciated.

Fortunately or unfortunately, thats how human interactions go. It's just naive to think the more you give, the more you get. It's not like that. People will start to respect you more when you start putting you first and others second. I know it sounds selfish but it is what is.

Also, if you have problems with self-confidence and feel ugly, you can definitely take steps towards changing that. First, take steps to make you look more physically attractive. The 'uglier' you are (or you think you are) the more people will notice when you start to change. Make your life goal to be healthier, fitter, buy new clothes, etc. These changes alone will make you feel more confident because people will notice and will let you know they noticed.

Then start on your mindset. You can't change your personality but you can train yourself a bit to get some self-respect back. Many videos on youtube on that. You can train your mindset. Like anything in life, you can't change over night, it takes time., But the more confident you act (or fake) with time, you actually start feeling more confident.

Just think about the better relationships, better friendships, better jobs you may be able to get with these changes.

@Morello, Thank you very much for your answer. You’ve given me a good insight into what I need to improve to become better. I've written down most of your remarks and I'll work on them

@boltnrun I have a question. I've been thinking about something a minute ago, and I would like to know what you think about it. So here's the thing... First, I stopped talkimg to her, then apoligized for my behavior, then told her I did not want to be friends and finally I jumped the gun on her (I accused her of cheating without really giving her a chance to speak). Sometimes, I wonder if my reactions were just me unconsciously trying to guilt trip my ex, to make her feel bad for what she's done. What do you think? Because if I did try to guilt trip her, then this would be really really bad... But I guess I can't apoligize to her about it, right?