What are the actions I can take to reconcile with my girlfriend one day?

Forewarning, I know this post will sound naive and I know the realism is that theres a big chance that I won't ever end up with my girlfriend again, but all I'm asking for is advice so that I give myself the best chance to be with her again, however long it takes.

My girlfriend of a a year and I just broke up. I'm 23 and she is 21. I know that might not sound like much but we were very good friends for a long time before we started dating. This past year was one of the best of my life. Because our relationship was built on such a strong friendship, it was that much more secure and amazing. For a long time, my grilfriend was pinning after me, but I never saw her like that and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I also noted that she had many insecurities and self esteem issues and at the time I thought I wanted a partner who was secure in herself and had a good head on her shoulders. After some failed relationships with not the best women, I realized that my girlfriend had always been there for me and loved me unconditionally and never judged me despite my own flaws. And I felt like myself with her, with other women I would try to appear more confident and cool than I actually was but with my girlfriend, things felt natural and easy. I decided that despite the issues she had, her good qualities outweighed the negatives so I decided to take a chance on her. And it was the best and most fufilling relationship I had ever been in.

Everything was going great until this summer. I just graduated from univiersity and she had a couple of years left. We knew distance was going to be a challenge but we knew what we had was real and we were going to put the effort in to make our relationship work. We only lived a couple of hours apart and I had a car and would see her on weekends as often as I could. For the first few months, everything was going fine. In the middle of July I started noticiting a change.

My girlfriend has always been emotionally dependant on me. To the point where she wanted to see me as much as possible in my last year at school. I was her first boyfriend, and despite her being very pretty, she never thought she was and didn't have a lot of experience with getting attention from guys. I noticed that my girlfriend was becoming very close with a coworker of hers. She claimed they were just friends but it was obvious that he wanted more. My girlfriend worked a stressful summer job and he was there to always cheer her up and make her feel good. It ended up confusing my girlfriend and she developed feelings for him. We almost broke up right then but my girlfriend had a big change in heart only a few hours later and said she didn't want to throw away everything we had been through together and she had just gotten confused but that she only loved me. It was difficult but I took her back and she tried very hard over the next month to regain my trust. And she almost did, and I did sense that her feelings for her coworker were gone when she spoke about him after that. Despite this, she was adament on remaining friends with the guy. I felt uncomfortable with the whole situation but she insisted that her feelings towards him had changed. However, after the fact she realzied that deep down without her even knowing she was continuing to encourage him. Eventually at her work party, the guy professed his love for her and it made my girlfriend all confused again. After the first time, I didn't think I could forgive her after breaking my trust twice, so I said we needed some time apart.

Over the next week, against my beter judgement, I decided that my griflfriend was inexperienced and confused and just because of that I wasnt going to give up on her. I told her I was going to fight for us and went to see her in person. My girlfriend had done some more thinking and I saw that she had indeed changed a bit. She realized that the problem was never with her coworker and she realzied that for good she loved me more and what she had with him wasn't real. But that she had let everything happen told her she has some growing up to do. She realized that she has many insecurities and issues with herself and that she had been using me as a crutch to mask them. She let the guy get too close to her because we were apart and she was lonely and depressed at work. We reaffirmed our love for eachother but she still insitsted that we needed to break up. She said that while she loved me more than anything she needed time to "find herself". And I know thats the oldest cliche in the book, but I could tell she meant it. She didn't want me to wait for her but we both acknowledged that we would both like to find eachother again one day. I tried everything I could to convince her to stay with me but she had made up her mind. She said that she needed to mature on her own. The sad fact is, after our talk I realized that she was right. We are both very young and her especially needs to deal with some issues before she could ever commit to me something real and stable. She said not to worry, she wouldn't pursue anything with her coworker but while the thought comforts me, I know she still might but accept that I need to let her be with other people, live her life, so she can actually compare and hopefully realize that she wants to come back to me one day.

So now we're broken up. We ended on as good terms as can be said. We both still love eachother thats a fact, but for a long time, I don't think we'll be together in that way again. I don't mind waiting, I strongly feel that she was my soulmate, this doesnt mean that I wont move on and try to date other people too, but I feel deep down that I'll still want to find my way back to her one day. So what should I do to increase my chances? We talkled about seeing eachother in the fall and I'd come visit her and our friends occasionally, but I wonder if that's a good idea. Realistically, if we ever do end up together again, itll be a clean start as friends again and slowly work into a realtionship. But I see that happening in a minimum of a couple of years. When we're both done school. So what should I do until we're both ready? Obviously i'm going to also improve myself and become a man worth returning to but how much contact should I maintain this coming year? Should I maintain distance completely, or still see her and hang out as friends?

Long post again, sorry! TDLR: Girlfriend who I truly believe is my soulmate and I broke up because she realized she had a lot of issues and wasn't being fair to me and couldn't be the women I needed until she fixed them. While she loved me, she needs to work on them by herself. I do believe that our story isn't over and we might find eachother again one day, but what should I do to give myself the best chances that this happens? Should I try to be friends with her after an appropiate amount of no contact? Or should I just move on with my life for a couple of years, and check in on her and start from scratch down the line?

Forewarning, I know this post will sound naive and I know the realism is that theres a big chance that I won't ever end up with my girlfriend again, but all I'm asking for is advice so that I give myself the best chance to be with her again, however long it takes.

 

My girlfriend of a a year and I just broke up. I'm 23 and she is 21. I know that might not sound like much but we were very good friends for a long time before we started dating. This past year was one of the best of my life. Because our relationship was built on such a strong friendship, it was that much more secure and amazing. For a long time, my grilfriend was pinning after me, but I never saw her like that and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I also noted that she had many insecurities and self esteem issues and at the time I thought I wanted a partner who was secure in herself and had a good head on her shoulders. After some failed relationships with not the best women, I realized that my girlfriend had always been there for me and loved me unconditionally and never judged me despite my own flaws. And I felt like myself with her, with other women I would try to appear more confident and cool than I actually was but with my girlfriend, things felt natural and easy. I decided that despite the issues she had, her good qualities outweighed the negatives so I decided to take a chance on her. And it was the best and most fufilling relationship I had ever been in.

 

Everything was going great until this summer. I just graduated from univiersity and she had a couple of years left. We knew distance was going to be a challenge but we knew what we had was real and we were going to put the effort in to make our relationship work. We only lived a couple of hours apart and I had a car and would see her on weekends as often as I could. For the first few months, everything was going fine. In the middle of July I started noticiting a change.

 

My girlfriend has always been emotionally dependant on me. To the point where she wanted to see me as much as possible in my last year at school. I was her first boyfriend, and despite her being very pretty, she never thought she was and didn't have a lot of experience with getting attention from guys. I noticed that my girlfriend was becoming very close with a coworker of hers. She claimed they were just friends but it was obvious that he wanted more. My girlfriend worked a stressful summer job and he was there to always cheer her up and make her feel good. It ended up confusing my girlfriend and she developed feelings for him. We almost broke up right then but my girlfriend had a big change in heart only a few hours later and said she didn't want to throw away everything we had been through together and she had just gotten confused but that she only loved me. It was difficult but I took her back and she tried very hard over the next month to regain my trust. And she almost did, and I did sense that her feelings for her coworker were gone when she spoke about him after that. Despite this, she was adament on remaining friends with the guy. I felt uncomfortable with the whole situation but she insisted that her feelings towards him had changed. However, after the fact she realzied that deep down without her even knowing she was continuing to encourage him. Eventually at her work party, the guy professed his love for her and it made my girlfriend all confused again. After the first time, I didn't think I could forgive her after breaking my trust twice, so I said we needed some time apart.

 

Over the next week, against my beter judgement, I decided that my griflfriend was inexperienced and confused and just because of that I wasnt going to give up on her. I told her I was going to fight for us and went to see her in person. My girlfriend had done some more thinking and I saw that she had indeed changed a bit. She realized that the problem was never with her coworker and she realzied that for good she loved me more and what she had with him wasn't real. But that she had let everything happen told her she has some growing up to do. She realized that she has many insecurities and issues with herself and that she had been using me as a crutch to mask them. She let the guy get too close to her because we were apart and she was lonely and depressed at work. We reaffirmed our love for eachother but she still insitsted that we needed to break up. She said that while she loved me more than anything she needed time to "find herself". And I know thats the oldest cliche in the book, but I could tell she meant it. She didn't want me to wait for her but we both acknowledged that we would both like to find eachother again one day. I tried everything I could to convince her to stay with me but she had made up her mind. She said that she needed to mature on her own. The sad fact is, after our talk I realized that she was right. We are both very young and her especially needs to deal with some issues before she could ever commit to me something real and stable. She said not to worry, she wouldn't pursue anything with her coworker but while the thought comforts me, I know she still might but accept that I need to let her be with other people, live her life, so she can actually compare and hopefully realize that she wants to come back to me one day.

 

So now we're broken up. We ended on as good terms as can be said. We both still love eachother thats a fact, but for a long time, I don't think we'll be together in that way again. I don't mind waiting, I strongly feel that she was my soulmate, this doesnt mean that I wont move on and try to date other people too, but I feel deep down that I'll still want to find my way back to her one day. So what should I do to increase my chances? We talkled about seeing eachother in the fall and I'd come visit her and our friends occasionally, but I wonder if that's a good idea. Realistically, if we ever do end up together again, itll be a clean start as friends again and slowly work into a realtionship. But I see that happening in a minimum of a couple of years. When we're both done school. So what should I do until we're both ready? Obviously i'm going to also improve myself and become a man worth returning to but how much contact should I maintain this coming year? Should I maintain distance completely, or still see her and hang out as friends?

 

Long post again, sorry! TDLR: Girlfriend who I truly believe is my soulmate and I broke up because she realized she had a lot of issues and wasn't being fair to me and couldn't be the women I needed until she fixed them. While she loved me, she needs to work on them by herself. I do believe that our story isn't over and we might find eachother again one day, but what should I do to give myself the best chances that this happens? Should I try to be friends with her after an appropiate amount of no contact? Or should I just move on with my life for a couple of years, and check in on her and start from scratch down the line?

just give her all the space and time she needs....work on your own flaws, schooling, etc. You cant force her to come back and to be honest, she may not come back. You should accept that first and just let things unfold naturally

I'm sorry OP, I know you're hurting. However, I remember you other threads (https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552527 and https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552972) and the chances that she doesn't pursue anything with her coworker now she is single are very slim, despite what she is telling you. She knows you're in pain and it would make her look bad if she were honest about that, but she hung on tight to that "friendship" for a reason, man.

Your best bet is to let go completely. She is young and inexperienced and interested in exploring. She needs to go and do that, because her desire to do so is overriding her desire to be with you. In a couple of years, you likely won't even be interested in her anymore. One of the worst things a dumpee can do is try to plot what to do in a year or two years; life happens and you have no idea where you'll even be then, in terms of your feelings and new girls who enter your life. She might have well moved on by then too. Treat this as though your chapter with her has come to its natural end and concentrate on you and your healing. Yes, this sounds cliche. And it's true that some dumpers come back, but certainly no guarantees of that. It's critical you don't wait around and hang on to something that might never happen. It would be a big error to put yourself on hold, in any sense.

Trying to be friends with her should not be your goal right now. You are going to need plenty of time and space away to recover first. Later, perhaps, if she and you are both still single and you reach the point of relative indifference about her, you could perhaps try being friendly. Speaking from experience (my own and friends', espeically when we were all around your age) it is better to work through this break-up, give yourself time off from dating for a while and have fun. You are in your prime. Go and enjoy!

Yeah, I agree with MissCanuck 100%. I would add that the pressures of a long-distance relationship just made the situation too difficult. You want to be with your boyfriend or girlfriend and the relationship just doesn't progress in an LDR and it gets stuck in limbo. And on ENA we've seen the same scenario play out time and time again. Someone meets someone where they live and the inevitable occurs. And then you hear the standard phrases like it's not you but me, and I need time to work on myself, etc. It's just a way to let you down easy.

And then, if sometime in the future you're both in the same city and single, maybe you could try it again, but I would advise you to to let her go and not contact her except to maybe exchange Christmas greetings and concentrate on your own life.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she wants, needs and enjoys the local attention and is pursuing this guy. LDRs are very difficult to maintain, for that and many other reasons. You did the right thing breaking up.

Give her space and if you want to take her back at some point, reflect on that. In the meantime don't be her friend or backup plan. Let her miss you and reflect on life totally without you in it.

my girlfriend was becoming very close with a coworker of hers. She claimed they were just friends but it was obvious that he wanted more. My girlfriend worked a stressful summer job and he was there to always cheer her up and make her feel good. It ended up confusing my girlfriend and she developed feelings for him. So now we're broken up.

" In the meantime don't be her friend or backup plan. Let her miss you and reflect on life totally without you in it. "

Agree with that 100%.

Also, learn to live your life without her in it. That way, if/when she pops up[ again, you can smile and walk away.

I wouldn't send her a Christmas greeting either, just ignore her.

Oddly, this probably does give a better chance of seeing her again one day. Read zorba's posts:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=199355&page=2&

Thank you MissCanuck for your advice once again. It means alot that you have taken the time to keep up with my story and give the best advice you can. You are completely right, and your words gave me a sense of clarity. I may have my back and forths but I am going to start moving on with my life. Yes my girlfriend was an important chapter in my life and I have no regrets about my relationship with her, but I will move on. I thought I never would forget and stop wanting my first girlfriend, and while it took a while, she is nothing but a memory to me now. I know the same will probably happen with this girl.

I know she will most likely pursue something with the guy, I have experience dating and im not stupid. But I also know that he will be a rebound relationship. The guy himself is older than the both of us and is at a different point in his life, and she will be doing distance with him once August is over. And I noticed that this guy has his own fair share of insecurities and problems, worse than either me or her. Eventually they will come out and she might see that I was the better choice. But it doesn't matter. She is free to do what she likes now, and I harbour no ill will if she does pursue something with this guy.

But the only difference is that this girl was my best friend for a long time before we dated. I am not going to "plan out" the next few years but hopefully if we're both at a good spot in our lives, maybe we can be friends again down the line. Maybe more you never know, but I'm not going to plan it out. You may see me still posting from time to time about this, but alot of my questions have been answered for now, thanks again :)

Thanks for the advice, I think i'll be playing it by ear. Despite what she did and her mistakes, I harbour no ill will to her. And we were friends before anything. Maybe we can be friends again way down the line. I think she will miss me though. Not now because she has the buffer of her family and her coworker, but eventually she will. By then, I might just be able to smile and walk aways, who knows?

I know she will most likely pursue something with the guy, I have experience dating and im not stupid. But I also know that he will be a rebound relationship. The guy himself is older than the both of us and is at a different point in his life, and she will be doing distance with him once August is over. And I noticed that this guy has his own fair share of insecurities and problems, worse than either me or her. Eventually they will come out and she might see that I was the better choice. But it doesn't matter. She is free to do what she likes now, and I harbour no ill will if she does pursue something with this guy.

I'm curious, what leads you to conclude this? I was assuming you had never met him.

I hadn't met him, I just know from how my girlfriend described him to me and how I heard he acted in general. She said that he was an emotionally vunerable guy with alot of problems and she felt sorry for him and wanted to be there for him to help him become better. And he became severely emotionally dependant on my girlfriend after only knowing her for a couple of months. He cried his heart out to her telling her that he loved her and couldn't be just friends with her.

I hadn't met him, I just know from how my girlfriend described him to me and how I heard he acted in general. She said that he was an emotionally vunerable guy with alot of problems and she felt sorry for him and wanted to be there for him to help him become better. And he became severely emotionally dependant on my girlfriend after only knowing her for a couple of months. He cried his heart out to her telling her that he loved her and couldn't be just friends with her.

You have to understand that you might not be able to take what your ex-girlfriend says about him as the most accurate representation of him. There could be some grains of truth in there somewhere, but she was also very likely spinning it or exaggerating to give herself a reason to remain in his life and excuse herself from responsibility for responding him. "Poor guy! He's so fragile and he depends on me! What else could I possibly do?!" You catch my drift, I think.

My point is, you can't assume this is the entire truth and decide he's got self-esteem problems. You are getting this information from a biased source who wanted to be with him and not look like the bad girl who emotionally got involved with someone else while she had a boyfriend.

If he was really like that it would be rather unattractive - unless she is into co-dependent relationships. If so, you are better off finding someone new.

She's been cheating and is now dating him, but wants to make sound as if she's such a good person. She also wants you to believe she had no hand in this and she is basically Mother Teresa.

However none of this makes any sense. She's not a social worker. This is all a show so you won't see the truth and rightfully get annoyed and dump her.

She said that he was an emotionally vunerable guy with alot of problems and she felt sorry for him and wanted to be there for him to help him become better. He cried his heart out to her telling her that he loved her and couldn't be just friends with her.

Dang lol, it's only after hearing these things out loud so to speak does it really make sense. You are very right. There might be a grain of truth but the signs are that she was spinning the facts so to validate her remaining so close to him and wanting to hangout with him.

I guess my last question is though, did she break up up with me for this guy or because of her own reasons like she originally said? I know she is free to do what she wants now but she really seemed the night we broke up to mean that she had thought about things and really didnt see the guy that way and she even said she didn't see a future with him. That doesnt mean that he wont be there for her to comfort her through all this and they might have a FWB kinda thing, but in the moment she denied even that and said she wouldn't pursue anything with him. And I kinda believed her, it didn't seem like she was lying for my benefit. We both reaffirmed that though unlikely, maybe we could find eachother one day and we even had a real kiss as we said goodbye. I know that she was still in love with me and she made me believe that she was making the mature call to work on her own insecurities and flaws, which includes knowing how she let everything with this guy happen in the first place.

As I hear the truth, the more I start to see the signs I'd been ignoring lol.

I guess my last question is though, did she break up up with me for this guy or because of her own reasons like she originally said?

More than likely, yes.

 

I guess my last question is though, did she break up up with me for this guy or because of her own reasons like she originally said?

It doesn't matter.

She broke up with you.

Go no contact.

QED

Oh, and

" You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Wiseman2 again"

Sorry Bro.

Dang haha, the truth hurts, but hopefully it'll help me move on quicker. Thank you for your honestly in this matter.

Ugh youre right. I really think that this isn't over yet and even if she did pick the other dude, she will see once the summer is over that he was not the right choice for her. But yea, ive been no contact for almost a week now, every day has been getting easier, I'm looking now to undertake new things and improve myself now.