Weird dynamic with my ex girlfriend

My girl friend broke up with me. We live across the country. I'm 21 and she's 29. So there were some obstacles for sure with our age gap, but it isn't too bad. She had mixed feelings from the start and was honest and open about how she felt the whole time, which made the break up a bit easier as it wasn’t a shock. Although, of course I didn’t expect it! But it wasn’t out of the blue and we talked it through agreeing that because of bad timing, it’s better that we focus on ourselves. I was prepared for her to tell me to leave her alone so she could focus on herself for a bit, but instead she insisted that she wanted to keep in contact.

So my ex reached out a week after dumping me, asking how I was doing. We had a short light-hearted convo and then she didn’t talk to me for a week. So the next week I reached out asking how she was doing, she apologized for not talking to me for the past week, we had a short convo, but I could tell she wasn’t herself. After she logged off I sent a message to her basically saying that she shouldn’t feel guilty about not wanting to contact me, and that I’m aware that I’m not a priority and she’s got other things to focus on, HOWEVER, I’m always down to talk if she wants to.

This was honest. I sent this knowing that I may not hear from her for another week, month, or longer, and I’m ok with that. She didn't reach out after that, although I didn't give her that many days before I reached out to her again! I worry about her.

It has been five months since the break up. Every few weeks I reach out to say hello, and start a conversation. Every time I reach out, she responds within minutes and we’re talking sometimes for hours. But every time we talk, it ends awkwardly and sometimes even in a cold manner, coming from her end. Like suddenly, she doesn’t want anything to do with me (note that she she has depression and I believe she is also bipolar). Anyway, I’m then left confused as her tone completely shifts and the lighthearted conversation where we just shared an array of silly emojis and jokes comes to an abrupt halt.

So, I’m not sure what to say to her because clearly she’s pushing me away, yet when I reach out she’s happy to hear from me. If we were closer I’d go to her in person, but she’s across the world. I would give her a call, but she does not have a phone at the moment. We used our computers to skype and chat while we were dating long distance. We also use Facebook messenger. Whenever we’d talk on the phone, it was her calling from a pay phone in another country.

I want to reach out to her on her birthday, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to come off as needy, but I truly feel we need each other. At least as friends. We have an incredible bond that can’t be broken. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s true. She’s very stubborn though, has anxiety, and avoids conflict like the plague. When we were working together in india and we got into a fight once, she ignored me assuming that I hated her and thought I never wanted to speak to her again! I had to go to her in person and we talked things out. This is shortly after we had first met. So you can imagine how awful she feels after having to break up with me (she says it’s so she can focus on making herself better/happy. She has depression and anxiety). She knows that she hurt me, and she feels awful. I need her to know that I forgive her. My way of telling her I forgive her is by reaching out and being a friend. Yes, I want to be more than friends, but our foundation has always been friendship.

I'm sorry for the length. I haven't reached to anyone about this and it's all really coming out as I write. I am trying to get in contact with a counselor because I am not okay. In the mean time, thank you for anyone who listens.

I’d very much appreciate any general advice on the following:

1.) What should I say to my ex on her birthday if anything, besides happy birthday, to let her know I care about her (without sounding needy and pushing her away)? Her birthday is in a month and I’m not planning on reaching out at all before then.

2.) Do you see a possibility for us to reunite in the future? She’s still going to be working across the country for another two years at least. Something she brought up while breaking things off with me was the fact that there was no way we would be in the same place for at least another couple years, and to her that was ridiculous. She said she felt horrible, but she could not handle the long distance. She also made it a point to tell me that there was no one else. She never once told me that she is no longer attracted to me or that she has lost feelings for me. Her only reasoning was she is not happy with herself (depression, self image issues...), and she cannot handle the long distance. She didn't go into much detail why, which is definitely something I don't understand. The only logical explanation is that she didn't love me. She only really cares for me, perhaps. Otherwise, she would take a risk with the long distance and we would figure things out, and I would be there for her through her mental illnesses. Anyway, Im a student about to finish my undergraduate degree, and I’m willing to go wherever she goes in the long run, if we end up somehow meeting up again and reuniting. Before the breakup, we talked about where we’d live, and things like that. Ugh. Anyway, I’m aware that you guys are not psychic, I’m just wondering your thoughts on the probability of us ending up together, considering I clearly cannot think straight. 😊

3.) I often wake up in tears because I miss her so much. I was the same way while in our long distance relationship, but now that we’re broken up it’s just torture because while yes we are still in contact, I have to consider that I may never get to kiss, hug, sleep with, hold hands with, or have long deep conversations with her... ever again. I love her. Any words of encouragement are well appreciated!

Thank you

Have you ever met in person? Is it a same sex relationship? All you can do is decide what you would like from this and life in general then go forward in that direction

Has she told you that a medical professional has diagnosed her as bipolar? Or are you claiming she is just because she doesn't communicate with you the way you would like her to?

Thanks again for reading

yes, we 're both girls.

Do you ever see or have you ever seen each other in person or is it an online relationship?

yes, we 're both girls.

Have you ever met in person? Is it a same sex relationship? All you can do is decide what you would like from this and life in general then go forward in that direction

Yes we are both girls, and yes we have met in person. We know each other through school, as she was a graduate student at my university for about six months. After that we were apart but still in a LDR for several months. Then after a few months we were together in person for about a month for a vacation right before the break up. I know what I want from this, and it's that I don't want to give up on her. I just don't want to waste my time.

Do you ever see or have you ever seen each other in person or is it an online relationship?

We first met in person.We were together for a few months, then apart for a few months before things ended.

Has she told you that a medical professional has diagnosed her as bipolar? Or are you claiming she is just because she doesn't communicate with you the way you would like her to?

She says herself that she thinks she is bipolar and that her psychiatrist has said that she should be on bipolar meds. She says she doesn't want to take the meds because she enjoys the rush of being in 'mania' or being 'manic'.

Unfortunately, the connection you feel isn't exactly mutual anymore. You'd be hearing from her a lot more if it were. Sure, she doesn't hate you and probably hopes that you are well. But it doesn't appear that she initiates contact, which is telling. She is okay being friendly with you, but not more, which is why she doesn't keep the conversations going for long.

Also, the logistics are working against you. She cited all kinds of reasons to break up, and distance is a valid one. It doesn't make sense to try to keep at this under the circumstances.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It sounds to me like she's never had quite the right feelings and investment to make this work. It hurts, but I would not continue to reach out to her.

Unfortunately, the connection you feel isn't exactly mutual anymore. You'd be hearing from her a lot more if it were. Sure, she doesn't hate you and probably hopes that you are well. But it doesn't appear that she initiates contact, which is telling. She is okay being friendly with you, but not more, which is why she doesn't keep the conversations going for long.

 

Also, the logistics are working against you. She cited all kinds of reasons to break up, and distance is a valid one. It doesn't make sense to try to keep at this under the circumstances.

 

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It sounds to me like she's never had quite the right feelings and investment to make this work. It hurts, but I would not continue to reach out to her.

not even to say happy birthday?

not even to say happy birthday?

I wouldn't recommend it, no.

Engaging with her at all will keep you stuck, while she has already moved on from the break-up.

I wouldn't recommend it, no.

 

Engaging with her at all will keep you stuck, while she has already moved on from the break-up.

Thank you for your honesty. It will be torture to not reach out, but i agree with what you are saying. Talk about love driving people insane!

Thank you for your honesty. It will be torture to not reach out, but i agree with what you are saying. Talk about love driving people insane!

It's hard, I sympathize.

But it's better not to continuously torture yourself when she isn't reciprocating your romantic interest.