He’s Distancing Himself, But I Don’t Know if I Stay or Go

Hello, everyone! It’s been a while.

I’m going to make this quick because at this point, I just need an outlet that isn’t people I know irl.

Before I begin, I’ve noticed sometimes people like to give unhelpful advice that’s not related to my actual concerns...if your response is going to be, “why don’t you try going outside and meeting real people”, please don’t bother. It’s unhelpful and won’t be responded to, so it’s a waste of your time, tbh.

TLDR; At the Bottom.

Okay, I’m heavy into gaming and music and I joined a group of mutual interests a while ago and they’ve been helping me through rough times, being away from family, work and school issues and I consider them almost my second family. There’s a guy there that is very talented and occasionally would hold mini concerts in voice chat for our group to enjoy and I’m honestly not sure how it began, but we started just messaging back and forth, mainly discussing music and the similarities in the types and genres of music we enjoy. Some time passes and we’re talking almost all day, everyday. Honestly, we were so much alike in the things that we liked, the way we thought, the way we felt about things, etc., that he became sort of my. Eat friend. If I saw something funny or if I felt down one day, I’d go to him and vice versa. I think a stronger relationship started forming, but due to major distance, a relationship wouldn’t have really been in the cards for us. Plus (which I understand) he was going through the onset of a depressive episode, as was I. He, fortunately has more sense than I do and realizes that he has to fix himself before he can try to make anyone else happy, unlike me who looks for happiness in other people. So I’m grateful for that.

Anyway, a few weeks pass and we start talking less. I hate feeling as though I annoy people, so often times I don’t reach out first, especially not on a daily basis unless I’m continuing a conversation. He didn’t reach out to me, and me being in my head, didn’t reach out to him, so we didn’t speak for a few days. Usually he would have messaged me by then.

Finally we talk a bit, but it feels very one sided. He’s as friendly as he always is and courteous and honestly putting my feelings and how I’m doing before his own, but he just felt distant. That continues for some time and I finally ask him if he still enjoys talking to me and he says that of course he does because I haven’t changed as a person. Days without talking again...I try to start a conversation, but it falls short again. Finally, I ask what’s going on and he says that he’s in a very bad place mentally and that he’s mainly keeping to himself and his family.

Anyway, this has continued and we don’t talk. I spoke to him a few days ago to ask in detail what was going on and he basically said that he’s doing pretty bad. Depression is kicking his butt and he has been feeling like he doesn’t want to be here, or thinking about dying and he’s just trying to sort himself out.

I want to be there for him, but it’s hard for me too. The person I considered a friend is 1) hurting and I can’t help and 2) distant, so I can’t even communicate with them. I’ve developed feelings and I’m trying to put those aside so I can fix my own self and just be there for him. Whether we talk or not. I told him that I have to work on myself and my emotions so I can be a friend first before anything.

The last time I spoke to him, we talked about how we handle things differently, and for him, shutting everything and everyone out is his coping mechanism. Whereas mine is to find comfort in those I care about the most.

I asked him if he still liked me the way he did before, if there was any hope in that. And he said he’s not sure. That he can’t see a future with anything or anyone when he can’t even see himself in the future.

So, right now, I’m in a weird state of worry, confusion, and other emotions I’m not even sure.

I adore him. I don’t care if we just stay friends, but I want him in my life. I do know that.

But I guess my question is, what do I do? How do I put aside what I’m feeling? Because every bone in my body is saying “get out! He’s just distancing himself from you because he’s over it! Look at the red flags!” Whereas everything I know about him, everything I’ve heard about him from other people, and everything that even he has told me about his past and how this exact same thing (someone distancing themselves) destroyed him.

What am I supposed to do? Wait around in case he needs a friend? Move on? Forget about it?

I’m done talking because I keep getting the same response. At this point, he’s just a contact in my phone.

I don’t know... this is all dumb, I’m sure.

Thank you, in advance.

AND so much for keeping it short, ha.

TLDR; Became super close friends with a guy that lives in another state. We became inseparable, we were extremely similar in a lot of ways. We both started to develop crushes on each other. Shortly after, we stopped talking as much, he mentioned going through a pretty bad depression. I haven’t really spoken to him consistently in about two months and my feelings are still going strong because I want him in my life, but his depression has caused him to become a recluse and only keep to himself and his immediate family.

I’m not sure what to do, how to help, if I should help, or if I should distance myself from the situation to preserve my own feelings.

You can't just turn your feelings off. Most of the time, when feelings are strong enough, it limits the possibility of true friendship.

As far as what you should do, it sounds to me like he hasn't given you many options. He isn't reaching out or responding the way you'd like him to when you reach out. Whether it is because he is actually depressed or lost interest in you doesn't matter, and only he knows why he's acting the way he is. You need to work on moving on, which would include not continuing to pursue someone who is no longer interested. I'm sure that's a difficult and painful decision for you to make, but it's better than continuing to be hung up on someone who isn't hung up on you.

Well, if you already know the answer, and you won't accept the answer, then why ask us for advice?

Look, the Internet attracts people who have depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and any other number of illness, ailments and problems. And it pulls in people like you who get caught up in their drama. A lot of these people can't deal with real relationships so they have these virtual relationships. But even then, they can't keep a virtual relationship going. And they pull other people down with them.

You can't help someone you've never met. You can't fix him. It's up to his family to care for him. In a way, you're not helping, because you're enabling his condition. Sitting in his room texting or talking to you, a stranger, doesn't help him. It reinforces his depression. It reinforces his loneliness. He needs to get out in the real world and you need to get out in the real world too. There are real people in the real world whose lives you can touch and make a difference in. Believe me, you're not helping this guy and listening to his problems in the night only makes you sad, depressed and lonely. And you're not helping him.

So move on from him and try to move on from your group of online friends. Find real people to hang out with and maybe go on dates with. And realize you can't help everyone out there on the Internet.

You cannot help someone who does not want your help. Though your heart is in the right place, you can't do anything more than you've already done.

As he hasn't expressed a desire to have your support, and he doesn't appear to be able or willing to communicate with you, you would be best to stop contacting him completely. Your feelings will fade over time.

MissCanuck and SGH, I agree with you both. I know I can't help him and I need to move on.

It's sort of like a double edged sword for me. On one hand, when I was at my lowest, knowing that I had friends irl and online there for me, even when I shut myself out for an entire summer, helped. Knowing that I wasn't completely alone, even if I didn't speak to them, just knowing they were there.

On the other hand, why should I wait for someone who is giving me nothing? Not friendship, no communication, nothing. That's not a friendship, and I know that.

But that feels selfish. I'm not getting what I want, I don't care if you're sad, I'm moving on anyway.

He doesn't have to be romantically involved with me. The likelihood of that is extremely slim and that doesn't bother me. I'm not a fan of long distance relationships. But I don't want to lose a friend because I decided to be impatient.

I don't know. I do agree with you two though. Moving on is the best option. I guess I just have to figure out how to do it without feeling guilty for doing so.

Fun fact: I did tell him I thought it'd be best if I distanced myself from him and he seemed...not okay. He seemed to be okay because I was doing it for me, not because I was doing it in general.

Would you feel guilty for distancing yourself if you happened to find out he actually has a girlfriend?

As a friend, yes. That's what matters first. Would I be mad, yep. Hurt? Yep.

I really do think at this point, thinking about anything with him romantically is exhausting.

Should I give up on the friendship aspect too?

If he has a girlfriend, that's great tbh. I've already told him that I'm putting aside the crush aspect of this and that he's my friend first over anything.

Is it worth just giving up? Based on what you all are saying, I think so. Even if it's not forever.

Yes, I would give up on this.

This is why becoming attached to a stranger is such a risky, risky proposition. You have no way of verifying anything about him, if he's been honest with you, if he's distant because he's depressed or because his real partner is wondering who he's chatting to so much, and so on.

You don't have the basis for a true friendship, to be honest. It would be different if you'd met him a couple times and knew him, but at this point, you're stressing over a total stranger who might not even be who he says he is. The risk just isn't worth the pain for you.

I understand what you're saying. I just try to see the best in people. Especially when I know quite a bit about the person. I have everything from his phone number to his personal Facebook.

He still lives with his immediate family, haha.

But, again. I don't know everything.

I'll put this aside though. If he is going through something, I do hope it gets better. I already had no intention of reaching out to him again, I think I just needed this push and advice to make sure I really don't do it.

I don't have any advice to offer then what others have said. I'm just here to say if you go there will be trouble and if you stay there will be double. Thank you

CubbyBear, yeah. I'm out of luck either way, haha. Oh well. I'm not sad about it. Just bummed.