Should I stick it out or run for the hills?

Hey! So a few weeks ago I got with someone I work with. We have been together a few times since, him coming to my home on one occasion.

Since the first time a few weeks ago, we speak every day. Naturally we speak during work but then as soon as we finish we speak as well. It’s more him than it is me doing the texting, honestly. He’s not the kind of guy that sleeps around he’s very reserved and laidback, doesn’t want to be chasing girls or talk to several girls at a time.

Mutual friends state we make a good couple, that they can tell he likes me. The thing is - he hasn’t told me. We haven’t spoke at all about this thing between us. It’s not a friends with benefits situation because he doesn’t ask for sex, it’s happened when we’ve had a few drinks together. We did talk about going on a little road trip but no mention of it since that one time.

I put it down to him being so laidback but finally decided I wanted to try to sound him out. He said he feels there’s something not quite right in him somewhere down the road and he can feel a bit bi - polar. I asked if he really doesn’t care enough to talk about his feelings (not specifically about us/me) he said he doesn’t care and he has a cold heart.

I’m not sure if this is all a front. He has been cheated on before. I really like him but feel I can’t tell him after how he responded to me. I just have no idea how to go about things and am wondering if I should just cut my losses and dwindle the contact down to just when we’re at work?

Thanks guys.

This is a pretty brief description of him, understandable given your limited knowledge of him...but he sounds very similar to my brother. My brother has what I would consider a "cold heart". And by that I mean that he doesn't feel emotion the way the rest of us do. The situation has to be very drastic for him to really feel it. I think in his instance, it has made it difficult for him to have lasting relationships because he just doesn't feel the intense honeymoon phase emotions, he gets bored and goes on to the next. I honestly feel like he may be bipolar but he'd never consider finding out for sure.

My point of sharing this with you is to say that a relationship with this man may be very difficult, and potentially a big emotional risk for you. If you think you have the emotional strength to be patient and press on when you feel he's a bit distant, more power to you. If you're not interested in such a challenging relationship, I doubt anyone would blame you.

Thanks for your input. He has not gone to see anyone either, no diagnosis just his own theory.

He’s neither introvert nor extrovert, somewhere in the middle. Extremely funny, caring, social. I asked him if his past relationship got him this way, he didn’t say it had but made a funny comment, I pressed further that I think he puts on a front he just changed the subject. I do really like him so want to believe I have the patience but like you say, it is an emotional gamble for me :/

I don't think he's bipolar. You haven't mentioned any big mood swings with him, and since this is his own diagnosis, he's probably not taking any prescriptions for it which would even things out. He sounds a bit sociopathic, not in the serial killer sense, just he doesn't have any feelings for anyone else. Sociopaths can be very charming on the outside. Or he could be just numb from his previous relationships.

I guess he's being pretty clear with you that he doesn't have any particular feelings for you. You shouldn't assume he's trying to hide his feelings from you. That's a mistake a lot of women make. I like him so he must like me.

You didn't say how old you are (I don't know why people don't reveal things like this in their profile), but why do you feel that you have to have "the talk" with him when he's been pretty clear? Are you at that age that it's just not worth casually dating someone? That's fine too. But you could have just a "no strings attached" relationship, if you want. Just try to keep it casual. Don't fall for him.

Hard to tell from what you wrote alone, but you should probably trust your gut on this one. If it feels like an emotional gamble and he claims to not have a good connection to his emotions, he likely won't make a good partner. Plus, you work with this guy, so if everything goes badly you'll have to deal with seeing him regularly during the workday. I'd at least be cautious as you move forward.

I’m in my early twenties, I guess you’re right - some signs were there but I think he’s emotionally unavailable and as much as I like him that won’t work for me, thanks guys

It seems to me like he doesn't like you in that way. It's not anything to do with him being unsure or bipolar.

I don't think he's bipolar, I work in mental health, and what I've found out is that people with bipolar have many emotions, but they become extreme, such as extreme highs and lows. Someone who doesn't feel emotions cannot experience these extreme emotions like people with bipolar.

A cold heart means feeling unsympathetic or even cruel, not caring about people. I'd say this is more typical of sociopathic behaviour like someone else mentioned here. However, people who are sociopaths know that they are but tend not to admit this to people they are pursuing. With people they are pursuing they are more likely to be very charming, mirror what you are saying to make you believe that you have found your soulmate, and make out they are morally superior to everyone else. Then when they have lured you in, the mask slips and you discover that they are actually cruel, don't have empathy for anyone apart from themselves and will most likely spend their time plotting and creating conflict, winding people up and getting enormous satisfaction from this.

So I assume, as it doesn't sound like he is trying to charm you and trying to make you believe he is amazing, because he told you he has a cold heart and doesn't care, I believe this is a way of telling you he doesn't care about you. So this doesn't necessarily mean he's a sociopath. It might actually mean he could have bipolar and does actually experience emotions, because people don't tend to self-diagnose mental illnesses if they haven't got a problem. I just think what he is saying is 'I don't care about you' but he perhaps isn't saying this directly because ever he doesn't want to hurt you, or he wants to have you around as he might want to have sex with you at some point.

But anyway, I wouldn't think about imaging a future with this guy because 1) he doesn't care and 2) he said he has a cold heart. Being with someone like this, would just lead you to become very low - it's not worth it, find someone who cares and has a warm heart.