Really need help, cant get over the past

Hi Everyone,

So I’ve been going out with my boyfriend Adam for about 7 months and in this time we grew really close, we have a great relationship and we even moved in together a few months ago.

I only came out of a quite serious relationship a couple of weeks before meeting Adam but that relationship was over for a long time – it just took us both a while to actually end it.

I am completely over my ex-boyfriend and have no feelings for him as I want a future with Adam and he says he wants one with me too.

Only issue is, when we first started talking I noticed he was ‘liking’ his ex-girlfriends Instagram pictures even though they broke up mid 2016… i told him about it and he immediately unfollowed her and stopped doing it - when i asked him why he did it he said he didn't know and he was just being stupid. also, when we were first together he also told me she tried messaging him but he told her he was with me.

Also, a couple of months into the relationship – we were arguing in the car and he accidentally called me by her name.

I was so hurt by this and I still am, he says he doesn’t have any feelings for her anymore but I just don’t understand why he would still be liking her pictures up to when we got together and also why he called me her name?

We also look nothing alike and I look nothing like his previous exes before her.

I think I am so insecure about this because my ex-boyfriend always told me he was over his ex and they broke up about a year before me and him got together and it turned out they were messaging the whole time we were together and he even admitted to me at the end of our relationship he was still in love with her.

Adam and my ex-boyfriend are nothing alike but I am so scared to be hurt again.

Any advice is welcome

I have stayed friendly with exs, and called new partners by the name of the old (always awkward af, one hated it, the other was completely unfazed). Sometimes I miss name friends too. i can't speak for your guy but in my case it is because the new person occupies the same place in my heart the old one did. I still know they are their own person with their own uniqueness, I think the missnaming comes from a pretty subconscious place. And you can remain fond of someone you don't want to spend your life with.

The question is instead, does he make you feel loved and wanted and like you are a priority?

The name thing, I wouldn't worry about. I'd guess that him and the ex would argue a lot and this arguing triggered an old habit. It's really quite meaningless and happens, aka brain fart.

As for liking her pics....I mean you could just tell him very calmly that you find that kind of behavior very disrespectful to you and to your relationship and leave it at that. Let him know and then see how he acts going forward. If he continues, dump him. If he fixes his behavior, then relax and carry on.

Only issue is, when we first started talking I noticed he was ‘liking’ his ex-girlfriends Instagram pictures even though they broke up mid 2016… i told him about it and he immediately unfollowed her and stopped doing it - when i asked him why he did it he said he didn't know and he was just being stupid. also, when we were first together he also told me she tried messaging him but he told her he was with me.

 

Any advice is welcome

By 'when you first started talking' do you mean 'at the beginning of the relationship'?

Note, that he has the right to like whomever photos on instagram that he wants and does not have to explain his reasoning to anyone. He was not doing anything wrong. But after mentioning it he was respectful and unfollowed her. He was also respectful in telling her that he was with you, when she messaged. And respectful that he told you that had happened. People are allowed to be friends with their exes.

The name calling could be, as the others say, a left over from the previous relationship and I don't think it should be anything to worry about. IT would be worse if he was in the middle of something else and called you her name.

I think the big issue here is the level of you insecurity based on your past relationship. It's not the fact that you aren't over your ex, as you may very well be, but you are not over that relationship. I mean that you have not healed from that relationship and are bringing a massive wadded up bunch of baggage with you into this new relationship, and from word go you have dumped this on your new boyfriend. It looks like you are looking for anything that could possibly mean that he is acting the same as your ex just so you can come down on him and be justified that he is just like you ex.

If you cannot work together with him to move forward together, then you probably shouldn't be together. If you are going to be watching with an eagle eye everything he does and listening out for anything that might be similar to the ex, AND holding onto it for months, do you think you are ready to be in a relationship?