How can we get back from this?

Hello

I am seeking advice on how to proceed about my relationship with my ex and an issue that we have - notably how he handles social relationships, our presence as couple and the way he sets boundaries with friends. We were together 10 months.

Basically I do not know how this issue became the hill on which our relationship is apparently dying, and neither of is us is willing to accept this, we still love each other but we also don't really have ideas on how to solve it.:nightmare: Help please!?

Everything else has been good in this relationship.

One of the things that attracted me to him, was that we were both looking for a serious relationship. Generally when we had conflicts we were able to solve them as they arose. This conflict was something that we were not able to solve- at some point we both felt that we were running in circles and banging heads against the wall. Eventually I felt like he was not giving room for my feelings at all and was trying to overrule them with his side & that's when we kind of spilt for a while.

After that period we spoke & for the first time he acknowledged some of the things I have been feeling, so below is pretty much an account which be both can sort of agree on. Since then it transpired that we both don't want to let go, and that since we finally are able to discuss rationally - than maybe there is still a change for us. But neither of us really knows how we could compromise and agree on where this would lead us in practical terms.

Before I elaborate on the issue, let me say that I someone who values a balance between relationships and friendships. I want my partner to my best friend - but I also want each of us to have our separate friends. I am also not someone who constantly wants to be joined at the hip with my partner.

However - I do need a sense of community with my partner. I also need a sense of being a team & appearing so socially to some extent. So in practice it would mean being introduced to each other significant friends, being occasionally included in something that my partner does with them - or simply maybe hanging out for drinks once in a while. I want to have a friendly and cordial relation with each others friends. I also need my partner to have my back socially. He admitted failing in both of those departments- giving me a sense of belonging to social group (when we were with his friend), and being on my side when we were with others as a couple.

I was under the impression that we both seek a sense a community with a partner. But during the course of our relationship it has become obvious that we have slightly different approaches & needs. Whilst he introduced me to some of his friends and parents & I did to mine - he has said that he is fine with being strangers towards my friends, and would not expect me wanting to be friends with his. He does not feel that he needs to know them - for example he said that had he been invited to a group meeting with my friends, he would not expect them to want to get to know them.

The main issue started when I noticed that he meets one of his friends fairly regularly - once, twice a week & realised she must be an important friend I suggested that I come along to one of her gigs- and she said not to that because she had issues with relationships at that time and did not want to meet couples.

Somehow it got translated into my voicing a more formal demand to meet her - and massive avoidance deal on his and her side. According to him, wanted to spare her feelings, he thought that he could slowly persuade her to meet me. He thought that I would not be affected by this much, but I did. It did not help that this woman is his ex. The kept meeting once a week for gigs and the like, and I felt uncomfortable and left out, because - those meetings were so frequent I was not allowed to join them.

I am certain that they do not have romantic feelings for each other - and I am friends with numerous exes, so really I do not thing this is that important, but nevertheless it contributed to a lot of the issues between us.

We eventually did meet with her and it was awkward.

I felt uncomfortable with their old-friend vibe, which to me also appeared couply - because neither of them made an effort to include me, and somehow I did not feel that our bond as a couple was tangible at that time. He was responsive to her feelings of upset & not to mine, for example.

He recently acknowledged that looking after her feelings, instead of mine might have felt like a betrayal to me (yes it did). He apologised. He also acknowledged that he failed in establishing a sense of joined identity as a couple for us - hence I have felt threatened by his friendship with that woman. So that's good - I am glad he is acknowledging this. But we also recognise that we have different ways of handling boundaries between friendships and relationships & I am not sure what I should ask for in this case, if we were to compromise. In the past I asked for them not to meet that frequently and, they didn't - but really it is not about the meetings, I think it is about feeling alienated and excluded by their friendship. He basically failed to make me feel like I belonged with him, or with them.

He also asked me, what would I have done, if my close friend refused to meet my partner. He said that the only way to deal with this for him was to hope that she would eventually be able to do it. I said that if that was the case - I would definitely over time just cool the friendship - not hang out with them that frequently, until they were able to meet the partner. I would not feel comfortable with being close to someone who is not really supportive of my relationship (apparently she was supportive, but just did not feel like being confronted with this couple reality. Whatever)

This issue resurfaced again in a different form - in that his actual closest friend is going to be in town soon with her fiancee - and apparently she had a nightmare in which I demanded that we meet. This is some cartoon -level madness to me. We have essentially broken up, as it is, why would I demand seeing her now?

But if we were together - should't friends want to meet partners? I felt kind of upset by this- if as he said it was about some un-related anxiety of hers, then he should not have mentioned it to me at all.

He basically has some socially awkward friends, who do not like meeting strangers, and his partner of 10 months counts as a 'stranger' to them. When I said to him that I find this upsetting he said that he does not care if my friends see him as a stranger, because what matters it that we are not strangers.

He doest see anything wrong with going along friends refusals to meet me - in the hope that he can eventually get them on board. In such situations I tell him that I am not responsible for his friends having a chip on their shoulder & that he should grow some backbone about it.

It seems to be such a pointless issue- our 1:1 relationship is good, apart from this. He admitted, and apologised for focussing too much on us as individuals & not really working on shared identity as a couple. I would have preferred if he admitted that he did not really treat me as part of the same team- but I think that we do have a basis for developing that part, because he acknowledged the bits that are important.

But what about his friends- are those issues of how we handle boundaries with friends such a hard difference between us that there is no way we can overcome them?

I will never demand him dropping his friends. He has had them for a long time- but if they are so socially awkward as to make meetings difficult & he is fine with us never really meeting, & his way of handling it is to hope that eventually we can all hang together at some point - how can we find compromise in that?

He does not see a way of handling it differently, and frankly me neither- but at the same time, I am not ok with him having close friends where we never really do anything together, they are not friendly towards me and they do fun things that I kind of think of as date- activities. Two of his closest friends- the closest friends are two women who have issues with meeting me. I find it is something that I cannot really accept.

I want to be able to share my social life with my partner- not all of it, and not constantly, but I don't want to shut out of it, and told that there are things that I cannot join by default.

Is this really the hill our relationship has to die on? It seems so... lame.

If he is willing to compromise - what can I reasonably ask for?

tl;dr:

Kind of separated with my bf of 10 months, but recently he acknowledged and apologised for some of his actions that lead to our break up. We both still have feelings for each other and would like for things to work out - but are unsure how to solve the problem that led to our break up. The problem is that we have different ways of approaching boundaries with friends, he has socially awkward friends who do not really want to meet me- but he is close to them in way that makes me uncomfortable if I were to always be excluded from their hang outs. I need a sense of community with my partner- it does not need to be frequent, but being excluded as a rule will not fly, if we were to get back together. Neither of us knows how to solve this.

I'm sorry OP, but I think he has not told his ex and other "socially awkward" friends that he has a girlfriend. The issue here is not boundaries; it's transparency. Or lack thereof, in this case.

You are right to be concerned. He is excluding you and I don't buy his excuses that it's because they're all conveniently socially inept. He can easily solve this by introducing you and including you sometimes. He is refusing. There's really not much more you can do. He is the one who could make a concession and he's dodging it.

My guess is that he hasn't been honest with you about something, and his ex and so-called awkward friends would blow his cover.

Oh, he certainly told them that he has a gf- I have met the friend who did not want to meet me initially. The other friend is aware of us being together, absolutely. How else would she dream about me?

Oh, he certainly told them that he has a gf- I have met the friend who did not want to meet me initially. The other friend is aware of us being together, absolutely. How else would she dream about me?

How do you know that was even true?

A friend of mine went down a very similar path. She met a couple of his good friends initially, and then her guy started putting distance there. Coming up with similar stories. Turns out he'd gone back to the ex and had been secretly dating both her and my friend for close to a year before he got caught. He'd been telling his buddies that he and my friend dated briefly but had broken up (they hadn't) so they didn't even know she was still in the picture. They just assumed she was a girl he dated on the rebound from his ex, until he reunited with said ex.

All I am saying is that your boyfriend's reasoning doesn't make sense. And when someone's excuses seem flimsy or strange, it's generally because they're not the real reasons. He's actively keeping you away from his ex and female friends. That's a red flag, OP. Particularly as regards his ex and their regular meet-ups. No...just no.

I would not be open to dating someone who is not open about me.

How do you know that was even true?

 

A friend of mine went down a very similar path. She met a couple of his good friends initially, and then her guy started putting distance there. Coming up with similar stories. Turns out he'd gone back to the ex and had been secretly dating both her and my friend for close to a year before he got caught. He'd been telling his buddies that he and my friend dated briefly but had broken up (they hadn't) so they didn't even know she was still in the picture. They just assumed she was a girl he dated on the rebound from his ex, until he reunited with said ex.

 

All I am saying is that your boyfriend's reasoning doesn't make sense. And when someone's excuses seem flimsy or strange, it's generally because they're not the real reasons. He's actively keeping you away from his ex and female friends. That's a red flag, OP. Particularly as regards his ex and their regular meet-ups. No...just no.

 

I would not be open to dating someone who is not open about me.

I think that would logistically not be possible -she lives in a different town & comes down here maybe once every 6 months. I have seen her fb -feed which is all about her being couply with her fiancee. They live together & whenever she comes down to this town it is with her fiancee.

I think that would logistically not be possible -she lives in a different town & comes down here maybe once every 6 months. I have seen her fb -feed which is all about her being couply with her fiancee. They live together & whenever she comes down to this town it is with her fiancee.

I’m confused, is this the ex you’re talking about?

They are both exes.

One is in a relationship with her fiancee and lives in a different town- I have yet to meet her, but for those two to have an affair, it would be virtually impossible. I really doubt that she doesn't know about me- they talk pretty frequently and he definitely talked about our break up.

The other ones is the woman I have already met - as his girlfriend a couple of times.

She was the one who initially refused to meet me. And she is the one with whom he broke off, because he did not have romantic feelings for her.

So I am saying that it not really possible that I am a secret from either.

I think that would logistically not be possible -she lives in a different town & comes down here maybe once every 6 months. I have seen her fb -feed which is all about her being couply with her fiancee. They live together & whenever she comes down to this town it is with her fiancee.

So he keeps his exes in his life, has fairly regular contact with them, and won’t let you meet them? With the exception of one? Who is the ex whose gigs he’s always going to?

This isn’t good, whatever the reason is. I wouldn’t tolerate that either.

So he keeps his exes in his life, has fairly regular contact with them, and won’t let you meet them? With the exception of one? Who is the ex whose gigs he’s always going to?

 

This isn’t good, whatever the reason is. I wouldn’t tolerate that either.

This is the same ex- that I have met. It took nearly 6 months for us to meet, and the main problem was in the initial 6 months when she refused to meet & yet the were going to gigs and theatre etc. together. When we met it was not great - he was on guard to not hurt her with overly coply behaviour & she was wincing when we held hands. I asked for them to do less of those 1:1 meetings & he agreed - but I guess the main issue was that I just feel like an outsider to their friendship & he does not know how to change that, apart from saying that hopefully we will all be able to meet more frequently & she will be ok with that.

I just feel like an outsider to their friendship & he does not know how to change that, apart from saying that hopefully we will all be able to meet more frequently & she will be ok with that.

Sure, he does.

He just isn't prepared to lay down appropriate boundaries and prioritize you and your feelings over his exes'. He's more concerned about her comfort than yours, which says an awful lot.

This is the same ex- that I have met. It took nearly 6 months for us to meet, and the main problem was in the initial 6 months when she refused to meet & yet the were going to gigs and theatre etc. together. When we met it was not great - he was on guard to not hurt her with overly coply behaviour & she was wincing when we held hands. I asked for them to do less of those 1:1 meetings & he agreed - but I guess the main issue was that I just feel like an outsider to their friendship & he does not know how to change that, apart from saying that hopefully we will all be able to meet more frequently & she will be ok with that.

Please read what you just wrote here again. They aren't over each other. Not even close. You feel like an outsider and second fiddle to her, because you are. It sounds almost like you are a rebound relationship that has been going on for too long. On top of that, seems that this guy has issues with boundaries, letting people go or being single for that matter. If I were you, I'd send him packing for good and wouldn't even consider getting back together. Not just because of all the ex's, but because he has issues I wouldn't want to deal with.