Fiancee and another guy

Hello

I've been with my now fiancee for 4 years. We have been long distance for a while. We got engaged 6 months ago.

So me and her have had our ups and downs but now we are really good. She met a guy around 1 year after we met, and they have slowly moved onto being best friends. (Online friend) Now i've always been jealous of this, and I'm really not sure how to handle my jealousy.

So recently I feel like they've gotten really close. They send selfies together (he asks her, and then she actually asks him. She rarely asks me for photos which sucks), have really good fun together. It may be my insecurity, but I feel like they have a lot more fun than me and her.

I've talked to her in the past, but I haven't really been able to talk to her in a good conversation, because she tends to get annoyed at me being jealous. She knows I get annoyed a lot. All she wants is for us to get along.

In a way I feel like she is oblivious in her role as my fiancee. There are times when we talk on voice chat for a couple hours a day (or sometimes most of the day), then there are days where she talks to him for a few hours. For the last week, she has talked to him on voice chat every single day for a few hours. Sometimes i've been in the group call, and all I hear is him making her laugh. (My insecurity stepping in again. and getting jealous). There are times where I feel like they talk on messenger from when she wakes up to when she sleeps. She does the same to me, which is good, but I'm her fiancee. Surely they don't need to be speaking every hour of the day? I just feel like they are so close for my comfort.

Now to the worse thing. I know that he likes her in that way. She knows that, and she has been honest to me about it. I know she loves me, she loves how I am, and she is attracted to me. I have a huge insecurity, that one day she will be bored of me, and he will be there on the side, to pick her up. I feel like one day she might grow feelings for him. But this might also be my insecurity. As you can tell I have a lot of insecurity with this. But the thing is, I do trust her 100%. I don't want to leave her. I don't want anything bad to happen to us. I don't want to ruin their friendship. (Even though I'd rather them not talk every single day, or not be as close as they are)..

I just don't know how I can fix things. I just feel like she is oblivious in her role. But if I try to tell her, I don't want to annoy her.

You said you’ve been long distance for awhile. Are you long distance now?

You say he’s an online friend but then say they have fun together, so do they see each other in person?

And as for her wanting you all to get along, that’s not fair. You don’t need to get along with this guy.

Does he know she is engaged? I think she needs to be fair to you and if it makes you uncomfortable she should stop talking to him as much as she does. Or if she plans on pursuing something with him, she should be fair to you and break it off. She can’t have her cake and eat it too.

You said you’ve been long distance for awhile. Are you long distance now?

 

You say he’s an online friend but then say they have fun together, so do they see each other in person?

 

And as for her wanting you all to get along, that’s not fair. You don’t need to get along with this guy.

 

Does he know she is engaged? I think she needs to be fair to you and if it makes you uncomfortable she should stop talking to him as much as she does. Or if she plans on pursuing something with him, she should be fair to you and break it off. She can’t have her cake and eat it too.

Sorry I think I explained things bad. We've been long distance for a while, we're planning to change that next month. When I say they have fun, I mean through voice chat, and messaging. They also play a lot of Facebook games together.

I try hard to get along with him, but I struggle. How do I accept someone that likes my fiancee so easily? He does know we are engaged. I don't think she has plans to pursue something with him, she clearly is in love with me. But she is very oblivious with boundaries by it seems.

I don't want her to leave me, and I don't want to leave her.

You're not totally to blame for feeling insecure, OP. It sounds like she's getting too close for comfort to this man and not really giving a toss about implementing appropriate boundaries. She isn't oblivious to this.

You don't need to be buddies with a guy who has a crush on your fiancee, either. That's a bit ridiculous. It might be one thing if they were truly just platonic friends, but that's not the case since you both know that he likes her. She isn't doing enough to protect your relationship though, so the real problem is her. Not him.

Stop being afraid to assert yourself, OP. This is the woman who is supposed to become your wife, no? You shouldn't be so anxious about discussing healthy boundaries if you're about to enter into a lifetime commitment. If she truly cares about your feelings, she will stop and think how this "online best friend" looks to you, and why she spends so much time communicating with him at the expense of your feelings.

For reference, how old are you both?

You're not totally to blame for feeling insecure, OP. It sounds like she's getting too close for comfort to this man and not really giving a toss about implementing appropriate boundaries. She isn't oblivious to this.

 

You don't need to be buddies with a guy who has a crush on your fiancee, either. That's a bit ridiculous. It might be one thing if they were truly just platonic friends, but that's not the case since you both know that he likes her. She isn't doing enough to protect your relationship though, so the real problem is her. Not him.

 

Stop being afraid to assert yourself, OP. This is the woman who is supposed to become your wife, no? You shouldn't be so anxious about discussing healthy boundaries if you're about to enter into a lifetime commitment. If she truly cares about your feelings, she will stop and think how this "online best friend" looks to you, and why she spends so much time communicating with him at the expense of your feelings.

 

For reference, how old are you both?

Thank you I appreciate it. I just don't want to hurt our relationship. I honestly feel i'd rather suffer through having to deal with him and her, (as I know nothing will happen), than for her to be really annoyed. Even though she shouldn't. I just really feel like she doesn't quite understand how close she is with him. I can tell you this because I know her, i just feel like she's trying to be a good friend to him (he has some problems of his own, like family problems). The thing is. I know she is in love with me, and would never ever ever change that. She clearly cares about me more than him.

We are both 22.

I had a friend that liked me. I ended the friendship out of respect for my relationship. My bf didn't ask me, I just knew it was the right thing to do.

I know you don't want to hear this but she likes the attention. And I think you are both way too young to be engaged, especially when you haven't spent significant time together in the same place. If I would have married who I was dating at 22, I would certainly be divorced by now.

Do you want to be with someone who has so little respect for you and your relationship? Love isn't all that matters in a relationship.

I had a friend that liked me. I ended the friendship out of respect for my relationship. My bf didn't ask me, I just knew it was the right thing to do.

 

I know you don't want to hear this but she likes the attention. And I think you are both way too young to be engaged, especially when you haven't spent significant time together in the same place. If I would have married who I was dating at 22, I would certainly be divorced by now.

 

Do you want to be with someone who has so little respect for you and your relationship? Love isn't all that matters in a relationship.

The thing is, knowing her, knowing the way we are. I hear a lot of stories about couples, I've read a lot. But I do feel like we're a lot different. We do have a special bond together. I'm sure everyone would say that about their partner, but I really do think we do. We're very happy when we're together, we both feel like we're there for each other. I know she has lots of respect for me, and our relationship . She isn't a person to seek out to other people though for attention. She has very strong morals. Honestly this might sound cliche, but I'd be no where without her. people say things will get better, and I'll probably meet someone better. But this kind of bond couldn't be replaced. I see relationships come and go, but nothing like what we have.

She knew he liked her a few months after they were good friends, and she ended their friendship. She felt really bad, but she knew it was something that had to be done. A few months later, she felt bad, and I insisted that she should message him. And that's where we are upto now a year later.

If you'd rather deal with her being completely inappropriate than stand up for yourself, you should at least consider some counseling to gain some self esteem.

There really is no magical way to make yourself okay with their friendship. Honestly, you shouldn't be okay with their friendship being at the level it's at. But if you don't learn to assert your personal boundaries, you're going to resent her. You may think you're keeping your frustrations to yourself, but once you and her are physically together, she will be able to tell you're upset. It's incredibly frustrating when you KNOW something is wrong with your partner but they insist "it's nothing." Then she will start resenting you. Being this bothered and not dealing with the situation will not lead to a successful relationship. And her lack of empathy for you is not very indicative of loving, caring fiance.

Thank you I appreciate it. I just don't want to hurt our relationship. I honestly feel i'd rather suffer through having to deal with him and her, (as I know nothing will happen), than for her to be really annoyed. Even though she shouldn't. I just really feel like she doesn't quite understand how close she is with him. I can tell you this because I know her, i just feel like she's trying to be a good friend to him (he has some problems of his own, like family problems). The thing is. I know she is in love with me, and would never ever ever change that. She clearly cares about me more than him.

 

We are both 22.

It already is, OP.

If you're this secure about your relationship, why are you posting here? You're backpedaling now that people here are agreeing with you that something is off about this friendship of hers.

What are you going to do when you live together, sit on your hands and wait until they stop their chatting and playing games and being inappropriate and disrespectful to your relationship with her?

Shes being very selfish to keep on with him when she knows he is crushing on her. If she was mature and wasn't enjoying her time with him so much she would stop her interaction with him so he could find a girlfriend of his own.

Why do so many young men allow things like this. Unless you are into sharing your wife you need to stand up for yourself and stand your ground.

You should be her best friend not this other guy. Also if he likes her more then friends and she knows it, shame on her for leading him on. You are right to be worried for one false move on your part and she is gone.

Read No More Mr Nice Guy. This will help with what is going on. After reading the book you need to put a stop to there relationship or end your relationship with her.

The pics are they just pics or are they sexting one an other? If sexting then she is cheating on you already.

This sounds like an emotional affair developing. I would have second thoughts of going through with the marriage based on lack of boundary assertion. I would not be ok with her interaction with this guy either.