It took 3 years to say 'I love you' -- thoughts?

I was hoping to get non-judgemental thoughts on this situation.

I was seeing a guy for almost 3 years before he said I love you (and I said it back).

It's not as if I was sitting around for 3 years waiting for him to say it (if I'm honest, I'm not sure how I would have responded if he'd said it earlier). But now that he has said it, I'm really, really happy about it.

But, seriously, what's the deal? I'm not sure whether it's a serious problem/red flag, or a cute romantic story where he was patient with my awkward mixed signals from me for 3 years before finally feeling comfortable enough to say I love you. I also think it really did take me that long to feel that *I* loved him in that way. I'm not sure what to make of that (and I'm honestly not sure whether or not I would have been able to reciprocate if he'd said ILY a year ago). But in the meantime, I feel quite happy about him.

Note: I have a LOT of trouble initiating affection (even though I'd really like to be able to!). I'm used to the guy initiating affection (I'm happy to return it once he does). He has told me that he is used to the woman initiating the affection -- and the woman pushing a relationship forward -- and that it was confusing to him that I never did. I spent a lot of the past 3 years thinking the same about him (although I'm even worse than him in this area). So we are both similar in this sense. I'm really trying to work on my issues in this area but it is NOT easy for me...

For many men, saying "i love you" means they have made a commitment decision rather than simply expressing a feeling (i am not saying he is going to marry you). His "i love you" means way more than someone who just said it from day one. I am very happy for you - because its genuine and real.

I think saying I love you after 3 months is kinda fast, but if after 8 or 9 months, they're still stalling...It'd be a problem. I'm so happy for you, I can't believe you had such patience!

A little more information would be helpful:

How old are you both? How long have you actually been a couple, and what are your respective dating histories like?

A little more information would be helpful:

 

How old are you both? How long have you actually been a couple, and what are your respective dating histories like?

I’m in my early 40s and “L” is in his late 40s. He was married for 10 years and has 2 children. He’s been amicably divorced for 6 years.

He and I have some very close friends in common and saw knew each other socially (in group settings) for about a year before we started seeing each other.

As for his dating history, according to him, after he first got divorced he was seeing a woman for a bit (I actually know her; she is very cool and they still remain friends). He told me that, at the time, she wanted to have a more serious relationship, but that he was in no way ready to do that, so they ended things and remained friends.

Then sometime after that he started seeing another woman and they dated for maybe 4-6 months? In fact when I first really met him 4 years ago, he was dating that woman. From what he tells me, he liked her and was open to being more serious with her, but she was quite volatile (my friends and I witnessed this first hand) and he wound up breaking things off with her because he didn’t want to expose his daughters to that kind of behavior).

When I met him (and he was dating that second woman), I thought he was cool and smart, but never thought much about him beyond that. I had a boyfriend at the time (whom I loved deeply — who was passionate but also extremely unstable and unhealthy and wound up breaking my heart deeply).

L and I started seeing each other 3 years ago, shortly after he’d ended things with the unstable woman and I’d (mostly) ended things with my volatile boyfriend. At the time I was happy about it, but underneath was still heartbroken over my ex. L felt like such a stable, healthy, presence in comparison to my ex, but I felt perhaps a bit shell shocked and confused about the whole thing. There was also the added pressure of having so many friends in common. Somehow the stakes felt a bit high to me and I think part of me held back in really opening up with him because the idea of potentially jeopardizing my social circle with a relationship that may or may not stand the test of time felt scary.

L was always extremely polite to me and invited me to do a lot of nice things regularly both in group and one in one situations (and always insisted on paying etc). We were both very “nice” to each other but we never talked about our relationship, or defined anything. I also somehow continued to feel shy and awkward around him (it’s my nature to be like that; it’s a problem for me). Inside i was also still secretly battling a lot of depression and anxiety over the difficulty of separating from my volatile ex. And aside from being consistently nice to me, treating me to nice things, and sleeping with me, L never expressed anything explicitly emotional or romantic toward me (nor did I toward him). We were also not technically exclusive with each other... though we were I would say “mostly” exclusive. I was ok with this; I didn’t have those types of deep feelings toward him and didn’t think he had them for me.

After about year of this he finally came to me and said, “look, I think you’re beautiful, and smart, and funny, (he’d never said any of this before!). I’d really like to be in a ‘normal’ relationship with you.” He also mentioned at this time that in the past, any woman he’d been with had always been the one to initiate these talks, to show a lot of outward affection, and to push the relationship forward. He had come to the conclusion in his head that perhaps I was some type of “modern, independent” woman who didn’t want or need anything more than we’d been having and he’d been afraid to rock the boat by bringing up the possibility of progressing into anything more.

The thing is, in my experience (I’m very shy with these things!) it’s always been the man who pushes things forward, etc.). When he first said these things to me, a year into us seeing each other, I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt. I’m honestly not sure what kind of answer I gave in the moment, but not much changed between us afterwards.

Fast forward another year and he had another similar conversation with me. This time I felt more open to wanting something more real with him. But even though he was saying these things I wasn’t sure how to make it happen. I also had by that point up built up some insecurities about the weirdness of our relationship or whatever it was and I STILL wasn’t sure what *I* wanted. He clearly had a lot of insecurities on his end too — he was upset that I had trouble showing affection to him, etc. I had trouble believing that he even liked me that much. (According to our mutual friends we’d say the same thing about each other).

We finally stopped seeing each other in April 2017. I felt at the time that it was unfortunate that we didn’t work out, but that it was the right decision to end things; I felt confident we’d reconnect as friends eventually, since there was never any actual bad blood between us, as far as I was concerned.

I didn’t realize this at the time, but he was very upset about our “breakup”. He started seeing another woman, who was very openly into the idea of having a serious relationship with him; he didn’t feel the same way about her. I casually dated a few people a few times but I mostly spent a lot of time alone, which I think I needed to do. In the end of August he reached out and invited me to join a group of mutual friends for a weekend away. I fully thought this was a platonic weekend and was really happy to reconnect with him as friends. However, I know it sounds crazy, but something clicked in me when I saw him that wknd. I unexpectedly deeply happy to see him and be around him. It felt honestly really wonderful. And it seemed pretty clear that he felt the same way. It was like having butterflies in my stomach with him that I hadn’t felt before (along with a deep sense of companionship and rapport that I’d felt all along). We wound up hooking up that weekend.

Things started feeling consistently different with him starting at that point. I’ve been so happy and I think he has too. In December he said I love you (and I reciprocated). We went on a wonderful trip together over New Years as well as a few weekends away and spent a lot more time together in general. He told me that he wants to spend as much time as possible with me, just wants to make me happy etc.

My biggest concern right now is that I *know* that even though I’ve been trying as best I can to show more affection and initiative with him, it’s still really difficult for me. I don’t know why!!! I honestly feel in my heart a constant yearning to express my love for him, both verbally and with physical affection, etc. And yet it is somehow REALLY L difficult for me to do that—to be the one to start it. It becomes even more awkward (and I start to overthink it) because I’ve spent so much time In the past *not* being that way with him. And he does does these things with me just a little bit — although not to the degree I’m used to from guys in my past...I’d love, love, love if he’d do it more. I really want to be able to be able to get past this — it’s such a stupid hang up and I know it would make both him and I so much happier. I also (and this is part of the reason for the subject line) wonder if our respective introversion/cautiousness represents a basic incompatibility. I really don’t want it to.

This was your most recent thread about this guy, 2 months ago:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543853

I responded then, and I re-read your initial story, and all of the responses, and your current question.

My response is the same as it was last time, and my advice is the same.

This was your most recent thread about this guy, 2 months ago:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543853

 

I responded then, and I re-read your initial story, and all of the responses, and your current question.

 

My response is the same as it was last time, and my advice is the same.

Thank you for your insights, LH.

Since my last thread, L and I have been very clear about the girl that he dated after he and I broke up. He has completely blocked her and said that if there is anything more he can do to make me feel comfortable he is more than happy. There is nothing else I can think of for him to do. He has also only been to the west coast once since then—and when he went invited me to come along and bought my ticket. He is also taking me there with him again in March. Also, as I tried to clarify earlier—that thread I posted inaccurately gave he impression that the inappropriate messages from the girl he dated were an ongoing problem. They were not, and ended quickly after 2 incidents. I realize that he thread title was misleading.

I understand that you went through a very upsetting experience with your ex and I’m so very sorry about that.

But really this thread now is intended to be about my particular dynamic with L — and how that’s changed (hopefully for the better, over time) ... as well as considering how my own shyness, etc have contributed to it (and what I can possibly do to improve that). I am looking for thoughts or insights into that...

so...he didn't wait 3 years for the L word. The fact is, you have not been dating for the past three years. You were "not sure what we were but not official", broken up, and back together.

If I would have read that you were the same person with the guy who is still stringing along his ex as a friend --- then my advice would be different than i originally gave.

so...he didn't wait 3 years for the L word. The fact is, you have not been dating for the past three years. You were "not sure what we were but not official", broken up, and back together.

 

If I would have read that you were the same person with the guy who is still stringing along his ex as a friend --- then my advice would be different than i originally gave.

Thanks. I don’t know what to say, but I feel there was a lot of misinterpretation in my thread from 4 months ago (it almost seemed like one person misinterpreted it initially and then everybody jumped on top of that misinterpretation, reading forum members’ interpretations as facts rather than what I was actually trying to say). I tried to clarify so many times, and don’t want to get back into the same cycle of just trying to explain again and again the original story.

If anybody has thoughts on what I’ve written here — where I’ve tried to be clear about our history and dynamic I would appreciate it.

Wow I would date or trust someone like this. He sounds like he's playing the OP. A cheater can't be trusted.

Wow I would date or trust someone like this. He sounds like he's playing the OP. A cheater can't be trusted.

Who cheated? I must be missing something.

If this relationship is so wonderful, why do you need advice on to why it took you three years to say I love you? Sorry I'm not trying to be mean, it just seems that you post these questions then get very defensive when people try to give you advice.

so...he didn't wait 3 years for the L word. The fact is, you have not been dating for the past three years. You were "not sure what we were but not official", broken up, and back together.

 

If I would have read that you were the same person with the guy who is still stringing along his ex as a friend --- then my advice would be different than i originally gave.

All of this.

The context of your story with him is important, OP. It's not as though you've been together for 3 years in a relationship, and he finally got around to "I love you."

Perhaps link members to your previous thread so they get the full picture of your history together; without that, you're going to get skewed advice that is only relevant to the snippet you posted here. Not very helpful for you in the end.

For what it's worth, I think it's only natural that you now feel hesitant with him. Until very recently, he still let this ex-girlfriend into his life and it was unclear if he was honest with her about you. It's going to take you time to feel that you can fully trust him and that he has indeed cut her off and will continue to keep her out.

it almost seemed like one person misinterpreted it initially and then everybody jumped on top of that misinterpretation]

Gee, it sounds like you mean me.

Your other thread, however, has 9 pages of forum members telling you the exact same thing.

You have not been "together" for 3 years. You've had an on-again, off-again, relationship with someone who still had "some sort" of relationship with his ex. Whether that was technically cheating, or whether it was just a bunch of texting, you have not been in a 3-year, monogamous relationship.

So, to answer your forum question, no it is not odd for him to have waited this long to say ILY. In his mind, your exclusive relationship has only recently begun, within the past year.

All of this.

 

The context of your story with him is important, OP. It's not as though you've been together for 3 years in a relationship, and he finally got around to "I love you."

 

Perhaps link members to your previous thread so they get the full picture of your history together; without that, you're going to get skewed advice that is only relevant to the snippet you posted here. Not very helpful for you in the end.

 

For what it's worth, I think it's only natural that you now feel hesitant with him. Until very recently, he still let this ex-girlfriend into his life and it was unclear if he was honest with her about you. It's going to take you time to feel that you can fully trust him and that he has indeed cut her off and will continue to keep her out.

The reason I didn’t link to that bread is because it took on a life of its own which had very little resemblance to the actual facts of what happened. People were offering all sorts of advice and analysis based on what seemed like a game of telephone where the underlying story got very, very distorted.

Here are the actual facts:

He and I were seeing each other for 2.5 years. There was no “ex” in the picture. I’ve tried to give my stab at explanation here in this thread for why things didn’t progress in the typical manner with us, but we were dating consistently, and were both very nice to each other, didn’t fight, throughout. And that worked out nicely for quite awhile. There was no “on again off again”, and we were definitely “dating”. He brought me on every vacation he went on,

We broke up for 4 months in April. The reason was that he wanted more from me.

When we broke up, he dated another girl casually for 3 months. It wasn’t serious and they were not exclusive.

He and i reconnected again after our 4 month break; it was very unexpected but we wound up having an amazing time and hooked up. Within the next few weeks, the following things happened —within very quick succession of each other: He ended things with the girl—he thought he was ending a casual thing. She asked to stay friends, but then shortly after that made a series of “heartbroken” posts on Instagram, she began to stalk my Instagram account, and then sent me some very aggressive, hurtful messages on IG. The messages only lasted 2 days—but in the midst of them they felt like scary harassment! That’s when I turned to ENA for advice. I was very shaken at the time. He confronted her, told her she should be ashamed of attacking another woman like that, that they were done, and she needed to stop. They were not friends after that. She stopped with the harassment of me. This whole thing happened very, very quickly. It was never some prolonged ordeal where he refused to cut off contact with her. That was the end. This whole series of events went down within a matter of a few weeks.

Things have been going really well with him and I in the 4.5 months we’ve been seeing each other again, and I’m really happy and want to continue to grow with him. I’ve turned here for advice and feedback about our general relationship. In fact I have a lot of advice that I’d like to ask here! But it keeps turning into me explaining again and again what happened during a very short period with this other person.

If this relationship is so wonderful, why do you need advice on to why it took you three years to say I love you? Sorry I'm not trying to be mean, it just seems that you post these questions then get very defensive when people try to give you advice.

I was asking for advice because I do realize that it’s very unusual and am not sure what to make of it.

I don’t mean to sound defensive—but I realize it sounds that way because I’ve simply been trying again and again to correct the actual timeline/facts of the story. If readers are not understanding what actually happened in the first place, their advice doesn’t seem very relevant to me.

Who cheated? I must be missing something.

You guys hooked up while he was dating that girl D.

He cheated.

Doesn't matter whether he broke up with her after, he still cheated.

You guys hooked up while he was dating that girl D.

 

He cheated.

 

Doesn't matter whether he broke up with her after, he still cheated.

He had been seeing her casually for a few months. They were never in a relationship. They were not exclusive or committed. He was clear with her that he wasn’t ready to be serious with anybody. And he hadn’t seen her for a few weeks before hooking up with me.

He and I were broken up for 4 months. Of course he was free to go on dates and hook up with whomever he chose during that time. I dated some people casually during that time too, but none of them freaked out when I ended things. But then he and I wound up getting back together.

Yeah that's what he tells you.

Explains why she acted the way she did afterwards.

Hmmmm. And technicalities aside...You know, someone that hooks up with someone else despite dating another person for several months isn't someone that has the greatest morals or conscience. Is he still 'friends' with her?

This guy isn't to be trusted but mark my words, you'll see this in time.

Yeah that's what he tells you.

 

Explains why she acted the way she did afterwards.

 

 

Hmmmm. And technicalities aside...You know, someone that hooks up with someone else despite dating another person for several months isn't someone that has the greatest morals or conscience. Is he still 'friends' with her?

 

This guy isn't to be trusted but mark my words, you'll see this in time.

No, as I’ve said many times he is NOT still friends with her in any way.

Honestly, the more you write, the more it mirrors my story (the beginning) almost identically.

My "perfect guy" too, hooked up with me while he was still seeing someone else "casually". She was the "crazy girl" who wouldn't stop texting, calling, crying. Turns out, she thought they were in a relationship, and she must have been "crazy" to assume this, as he "never" said he was in a relationship with her. But, I've gotten to know who she is from some other friends since then, and I now know the truth: he led her to believing they were exclusive, while he was tapering off yet somebody different, and ramping up things with me.

I told the same story you are telling now.

This is not me using my story to prove anything, but rather, me trying to help you see things more clearly. I wish I had listened to what people told me back then, as it would have saved me over a year of B.S.

A great relationship is marked by the absence of anxiety.

As Honeycomb8 says, you will see in time.

I was seeing a guy for almost 3 years before he said I love you (and I said it back).

 

But now that he has said it, I'm really, really happy about it..

My thoughts are: You say you're very happy, he is happy, you both said I love you.... so why over analyse and nit pick things apart looking for reasons why it took 3 years? Who cares!! Honestly, it makes no sense to me at all. You say you guys are happy, so get on with it and enjoy your life together. Seriously.

Cg, first off thanks so much for clarifying the situation. I too participated in your last thread, and yeah it really did take on a life of its own with one poster forming an opinion, and others, including myself, jumping on the band wagon.

But in my and others' defense, the way you expressed your thoughts in that thread were rather haphazard so it was difficult to follow and as such, difficult to get an accurate picture.

Anyway, that was then, this is now.

Not sure why others are harping on this "cheating" thing; you broke up, he casually hooked up with another girl, realized he loved YOU, wanted to be with YOU, and ended it with HER.

Not sure why "you" question why he waited three years to say ILY either.

By your own admission, during the 2.5 year period before your 4-month break, YOU held back.

You admit to having had trouble initiating affection, expressing feelings, initiating, moving things forward, and sent "awkward mixed signals" etc.

He was confused by that, and most likely felt a bit insecure as well. You admit in your post 15 that the reason for the break was because HE wanted more.

Because of these things, he didn't feel safe or comfortable telling you he loved you, which in my opinion is understandable.

Fast forward to now, and you're back together, 4.5 months (I think that's what you said).

Things between you have progressed, you've both opened up and talked, the emotional intimacy between you has increased, and as such, he NOW feels comfortable and "emotionally safe" expressing deeper feelings and telling you he loves you!

This makes sense to me, so stop over-thinking, stop questioning, and enjoy each other and your relationship!

Work on your anxieties and fears about opening up and being more expressive. Stop with the "awkward mixed messages."

These things will continue to hold you back and prevent your RL from moving forward. Seek some therapy if necessary, wouldn't hurt if you can find a good therapist.

Best of luck and be happy!!