Help! Was this An Emotional affair???

So I guess I just need someone to talk to. Just going crazy with my thoughts!

5 months ago my husband did something stupid. He took a steroid called Tren. This is the worst of the worst. Called divorce in a bottle. After the tren kicked in he got angry and paranoid. He didn’t even really seem like he liked me much. Which is not normal for him. We have been together for 15 years now. A girl at his work gave him her phone number if he needed to talk. She has a boyfriend. He started texting her. He said they were just friends and he needed someone to else to talk to. They texted everyday for 2 weeks. One day I asked him who is was taking to and he told me he had a friend. He didn’t try to hide it. I was pissed. I made his stop talking to her. He did and told me he was going to stop the tren and he did. Everything went back to normal once the tren wore off. Now he is loving again and is always doing nice things for me. When I asked him to stop he decided to send her a text letting her know they can be friends but can’t text anymore. Stupid me told him to delete her contact. He deleted the messages too and the last message he sent her telling her they can’t text. So, I didn’t get to see it. After he sent it he left his phone out not hiding it. She texted back. All the message said was “I told you to be honest with her in the first place, have a good weekend. That was it. Do you think that meant he was just friends with her? I have been yelling at him for 5 months now and it’s really hard on us all. I am just so mad. In the last five months since he stopped the texting which lasted a little over 2 weeks in total. They had to communicate a couple times a day. He swears there was nothing going on and I know it was not physical as he came home every day after work and stayed home in the weekends.He has done everything he can to make this better but I am mad. He even went to the tattoo place and got my name tattooed on his ring finger. We both know he shouldn’t have taken the drugs and he wouldnt for sure if it was the drugs that made him want to talk to someone other than me. He said he isn’t sure. But now he says it must have been cause he doesnt want anyone to talk to anymore. So not sure. He knows it was wrong but should I give up 15 years of marriage order this? He will never take the drugs again and has never done anything like this before. Sorry for the huge post just looking for some advice on how to get over this and whether or not you would consider this an emotional affair or leave it as a short friendship and move on...

Why did he start taking this? Unfortunately many of these actions and decisions indicate a pattern of poor judgement.

The drugs made him text women? Well what made him start taking illegal drugs?

He took a steroid called Tren.

He said they were just friends and he needed someone to else to talk to.

he wouldnt for sure if it was the drugs that made him want to talk to someone other than me. He said he isn’t sure.

Whoooooa.

I don't know if it was an emotional affair or not, but are you saying you had him go get your name tattooed on his ring finger to prove his fidelity??

Yikes.

No. Lol. We had the plan for doing this for years. We have been together for 15 years. He just stopped waiting and went and did it.

I know he would never physically cheat on me he never had before. He just does not agree that this could be an emotional affair.

No the drugs didn’t make him do it. The drugs made him more emotional and aggressive. His personality changed.

There may have been an emotional affair going on. But what's more important IMO is his willingness to drop the drugs and cut off other women in his life.

I think you need to let this go. Emotional affairs take longer to develop than just two weeks of chatting. On top of that you read a line that could be literally anything at all and nothing to do with cheating. Unfortunately, since you don't know the full context, you are choosing to assume the worst and are now tearing up 15 years worth of marriage over that.

Look, it could have turned into something. It didn't. He cut her off. He got off the drugs. He is back to being normal self. You now need to let this go as well and not turn a mole hill into a giant mountain. It was more of a blip than a total shipwreck. Sometimes marriage is hard and not all that black and white. If you continue to hound him over this, you'll be the one responsible for destroying your own marriage, not him. Hopefully he's learned to stay off roids and any other drugs for that matter.

Thanks for this. I know he wouldn’t do it again. He knows he really hurt me. I just want to believe it was nothing more than a friendship. He also convinced me to go to the Christmas party a couple weeks ago where she was. The only thing that bothered me was that she didn’t want to sit with us. But she knows I don’t like her over this. She could have been uncomftable. When she came our way I said no way is she sitting with us. My husband told me to grow up. He didnt seem worried about her coming over. Maybe that was a good sign?

Yes he even switched jobs. He was offered a new job and took it. Just stopped talking to her altogether. Maybe it would have been harder to do if he liked her as more than friends?

That’s what I was wondering as well. I think it would take more than a few weeks to become an emotional Affair...

Thanks for this. I know he wouldn’t do it again. He knows he really hurt me. I just want to believe it was nothing more than a friendship. He also convinced me to go to the Christmas party a couple weeks ago where she was. The only thing that bothered me was that she didn’t want to sit with us. But she knows I don’t like her over this. She could have been uncomftable. When she came our way I said no way is she sitting with us. My husband told me to grow up. He didnt seem worried about her coming over. Maybe that was a good sign?

If he isn't worried about you and her meeting, it means nothing happened that he needs to be worried about. That said, you hate her guts and it's probably pretty obvious and known, so why on earth would she want to be anywhere near you? It's just awkward. Your husband though is correct, you need to get over this and let this go. If you don't, you will end up pushing him away and wrecking your marriage. Any one person can only take so much punishment before they bail on the whole relationship. 5 months of fighting and screaming over this is punishment gone too far.

Thankyou. I think this is what I need to hear. My anziety makes this so much worse than it probably is but it’s so hard to figure out what is my anziety and what is not!

He doesn't have any friends, other than this woman?

Her response sounds innocent. You have been on him for 5 months!!!! Good God! This guy sounds like he is under lock and key!

The tattoo thing is over the top! You sound very controlling and insecure. I suggest counselling, or you will lose your husband.

Thankyou. I think this is what I need to hear. My anziety makes this so much worse than it probably is but it’s so hard to figure out what is my anziety and what is not!

If you have problems with anxiety, then it's critical that you work on yourself and work on getting a grip on them. Out of control anxiety can really strain and break relationships. It makes life extremely difficult and punishing for your partner. You aren't the only one suffering, your partner ends up suffering the repercussions too.

I may have cam off that way but I’m not that bad. We were going to get the tattoos before this happened. It was his idea not mine. I could care less. Lol. I don’t check his messages or anything cause I know he does not lie. I am

Just sad is all. I thought he should talk me. But yes it has been bothering me for 5 months and that is a little crazy. I realize that. That’s why I am here. Just need some honest opinions!

Yes he is. I am working on controlling that!

Was it an emotional affair? Well, you'll never know will you? Depends on what was said. A lot of people are completely ignorant about emotional affairs, and don't think anything but boning someone is cheating. What is your husband's opinion of what an emotional affair? I'm sure harping about it for 5 months you should know this, right? Does he think he's done anything wrong?

I agree 2 weeks seems a little short for an emotional affair, but certainly not disqualifying. The fact that the other woman wanted him to tell you about her indicates perhaps nothing happen, but the fact that he didn't seems to indicate he though it was wrong. Or perhaps that you'd overreact. And honestly, without knowing or not, I do think you are overreacting. And my god, yelling at him for this for 5 months?? I'm surprised he hasn't left you already. IF you were going to leave, I think you should have a long time ago, not yell at him for 5 months.

You should probably get couples counselling to address this issue.

He thinks an emotional affair is when there is some reference to being more than friends. He said before he took her number that he confirmed it was to just be friends. He feels he did nothing wrong. And yes I understand now I may be taking this a bit far. But know he knew better. He says it was just a small mistake.

Well, many affairs, emotional and otherwise, start out innocently enough - just a friendly connection. Over time that connection builds and becomes something else, but not always. Really depends on both the people involved as it takes two. However, in your case, I do believe your husband that it was platonic and frankly there was no time for things to develop into anything else. He has also gone out of his way to sever all contact and show you in every way possible that she isn't important to him. If she was, he'd be fighting tooth and nail with you that she is just a friend and you can't tell him who he can and cannot be friends with and he'll talk to her if he wants to. He isn't doing that because your marriage and well being is more important to him and he has demonstrated that to you plenty. Now it's your turn to let this go for good. Nothing happened, so please no more carrying on on your part either.

You are right. Thank you very much!

He deleted the messages too and the last message he sent her telling her they can’t text. So, I didn’t get to see it. After he sent it he left his phone out not hiding it. She texted back. All the message said was “I told you to be honest with her in the first place, have a good weekend.

Her reply (above) would tell me that there's more to this than what he's telling you. I'd be livid if another woman sent this text to my husband.

It's your call, but can you fully trust him after this incident?

I was thinking it meant she was saying he should have told me they were friends from the beginning. Instead he waited for me to ask which made it seem worse. And her boyfriend knew they were friends if that makes it any better.

Just not sure a one time short friendship makes him untrustworthy. Yes he did it but he hasn’t done anything else in over 15 years. I have found nothing in the last 5 months. Nor did I find anything on any of our electronics going back years. And I know he would never physically cheat on me. Maybe I do trust him still....

Just not sure a one time short friendship makes him untrustworthy. Yes he did it but he hasn’t done anything else in over 15 years. I have found nothing in the last 5 months. Nor did I find anything on any of our electronics going back years. And I know he would never physically cheat on me. Maybe I do trust him still....

Hardly a friendship even, more just acquaintanceship and he has never given you reason for anything and dropped it cold. Can you explain why you are losing your mind like this? Going crazy is about correct, but what is going on with you that you are? Your reaction is over the top and relentless bordering on obsession at this point.