Help me understand him

Hi guys,

I am looking for some insight I guess. I was dating a guy for a few months, and we had a massive break up. He made a mistake, and I then thought it reflected him as a person and tried to move on. He apologised profusely, and if it's brought up he continues to. For the next few months he tried to keep in contact and to 'be friends' and we'd catch up, and he'd act very normal and light hearted. But I was still so bitter and was confused because I wanted him back but didn't know if I could trust him. So I basically pushed him away. I said we couldn't be friends and then cut contact, he thought I was giving up on him, and I guess in a sense I was.

Over the next few months after that I'd miss him and get in contact and then he'd be responsive and we'd catch up. Then I'd freak out and pull the plug and disappear.

I always thought he had trouble communicating but I realise how much I was freaking out was just because of me and past things. We also just had different approaches to relationships.

He then went and met a new girl. I guess it made me realise he was really slipping away. I still tried to keep my distance because I didn't want to be horrible and ruin it for him or her. Since we broke up he has only been nice to me. We met up recently and I was really emotional and asking him about everything, I finally said things I couldn't say for months, and I attacked him too. I dug about why he seemed to be able to properly commit to this girl but couldn't with me, and he said it's not really like that but with her it's easier, that they're better suited and she's not a b c like me. That he thought I always had one foot out the door (to me it was one foot in, giving it a shot but being wary). When we broke up I told him we were incompatible basically and he disagreed, and this time he then told me back that we're incompatible (to which I now disagree - I had just said it because like I said, bad ending). So much of this stuff I realised was us not communicating. I told him that I'd been wanting to talk for months, and never wanted to break up with him and that I regret it. I gave him many instances where he could have jumped and said let's give it a shot but he didn't. Instead he said he's happy with her.

So I guess, I just feel like I totally stuffed up and that I've let him walk away. He says I'm being too hard on myself and it's no hard feelings from his side. He says he'll always be there for me and I know he cares about me. He still wants to be friends, but now that he's with her I do feel like I'm much more out of sight out of mind, it's not like he's texting me anymore.

I guess I struggle to understand how he can care about me, why he wants to be friends, but how that's now just it. Did he really just move on? When I said it hurt he'd found someone new, he said that wasn't fair because I was the one to break up with him. Which is true, but like I said I never wanted to, and now it's like he has the chance to give it a go and he's choosing not to.

So basically, is that just it? What's with the being friends stuff? If I want a shot with him, is there anything I can do? I'll also say that through all of it with me being bitter, sometimes I'd lash out at him and he'd just take it and seemingly never judge me for it. He has been nothing but kind to me since we broke up.

What was the “mistake” that he made that led to the breakup?

He got drunk at a party and was a total .. blah. Flirting with other girls etc. We'd been fighting before we got there, but hadn't talked about it. So I think he drank more, and then acted horribly.

At the time it was so hurtful I just felt I can't be with a guy like this. But now with a lot of time I do accept he made a mistake. In all honesty I don't know whether that would still be an issue, I just don't know, but I do think it really was a genuine stuff up.

You need to give up the idea of having a relationship with him. You were in, then you were out, then you were in and then you were out. How can you even think that he would give you another go after all of that? You don't seem to know your own mind. chi

I know... there were reasons but I do accept I couldn't communicate and I should have.

So then what now...? There's no making up for my own mistakes with him, even though I forgave him for his...?

Now, you let him go. You don't really have another option at this point, as he hasn't expressed an interest in reconnecting now and he's moving on to someone else. He might not have hard feelings anymore, but he also doesn't want to get back together anymore either. After seeing that you don't trust him, and engaged in the push-pull dynamic, he doesn't want to keep trying. And he's right: You two tried. It didn't work.

Making up for mistakes is fine, but it's in the past now.

I wouldn't advise trying to be friends, either. Not at this time, anyway. It won't work. You still have feelings for him, and he is dating someone else. That scenario isn't the stuff of friendships. You will continue to hurt and keep yourself stuck, while his attention and time are with another girl.