closure with my ex - is he over me?

Me and my ex (he is 18 and I am 19), that I was together with for three years, broke up about a month ago. The first post I made was about the break up, for the people that are interested. But long story short: he broke up with me a year ago because he said that he has lost feelings for me. He begged for a second chance 2 months later, and I took him back. 10 months later I broke up after him telling me that it seems like he has lost feelings again, even if he said that he didn´t mean it that way. He even cried like I have never seen him cry before. I then sent him a message, two days later, and asked for a second chance. But he replied with: "What we had, was our chance". We have now been in 1 month of NC, and I am the type of person that really doesn´t make contact after a breakup, I don´t feel the need to bother him. But the way we ended things, has haunted me everyday. I know people say that you don´t need closure, but I feel like I can´t be in peace with myself, or move on, without closure. I think it has a lot to do with my anxiety, and me being afraid of not getting to say goodbye the right way, before something suddenly happens to him or me. I know it is stupid, but I suffer from generalized anxiety and I am really afraid of something bad happening to the people I love.

Thats why I sent him this message yesterday:

Hi. It has now been 1 month since we broke up, and I did not plan on sending any messages to you, since it can be interpreted like weak in other peoples eyes, and maybe yours too. But I have been thinking that it is rather mature and strong of me, to end this relationship the right way. The way we ended things was immature of the both of us. Many people say that you do not need closure, but when we have known each other since 2014, been together for three years og been through both good and bad, I feel like I owe it to the relationship, to end this in a good way, once and for all. You will always be my first love, and I will always be yours. We are from the same area, and we know the same people, so pretending that none of us exist, is just childish. We will always have a past, and I will rather that we are grateful for everything we have been through, what we have learned from each other and how much we have grown together, instead of having hate og bitterness against each other. Everything happens for a reason, and unfortunately we just weren´t meant for each other. Regardless, you will always have an important place in my heart, and I wish you only the very best. Also, good luck on your exams, if you haven´t had them already!!

He only replied with this, so cold..:

I agree with what you are saying, we have a past together, and we should at least respect each other for that. I am not bitter over how things ended, because as you are saying, it is just how things had to happen. I wish you well, good luck on exams too.

I just don´t understand how he can be so cold, and just acknowledge a small part of the message that I sent him. Is he really so over the situation? It really seems that way..

The thing is that the first time he broke up with me, he was this cold for three months. After three months he sent me a message, begging to get me back. Because of that, I am hoping that it will happen again, in three months. I feel like its so stupid of me, because I am sitting here with false hope and thinking that he eventually will come back..

His message isn't cold. Its appropriate to write lezs, share less, invest less then before.

You will need to let this go.

You already broke up twice, it's not likely you will reunite again.

He's not being cold, he's just being on point.

You should deal with your anxiety so that you can move forward.

Let this be your closure.

It is over. But guess what, the sun still rose and its going to set without him in your life. You two had great times and made good memories and that is what you take with you. Don't be afraid to admit that it is over and this will now give you room in your life to have someone better in it. There are many guys out there that would love to be with you and make you happy. This is just a part of life. We love and we lose. And this no longer has to do with blame or why you two broke up. This is beyond the point on why things happened or what could of been done to change it. It is over and he is not coming back.

Remember that you are okay and you are going to be happy.. but with someone else.

OP, my first love was someone I met in 8th grade; we went to each other's senior proms and we broke up but went to the same college and never really broke apart years after that. It ebbs and flows.

Nobody around you will model this behavior, for good reason, but I suggest two things that seem opposite.

(1) Let him go, completely. In your own heart, gut, head. Appreciate yourself and him and everyone else -- acceptance that each of you is an individual unlike any other, showing new petals as you grow new blossoms every day.

(2) Keep yourself open to whatever your future brings.

(3) Communicate your path, your intentions, through deeds, not words. Trust that you will be understood over time. Disregard any concerns that others don't approve/understand - you don't need their permission to be you.

There is neither reason for contact nor for burned bridges.

It is important to learn how to love - all kinds of love - without attaching, and this is your first opportunity to grow this important skill. To be emotionally invested without owning. It requires full faith in yourself that you can withstand, recover from, and grow as a result of pain. Try to see pain as a sort of gift that opens you up to learning new lessons.

The Dalai Lama is said to be without a home. As a practical matter, maybe he doesn't need one because he travels so often; I don't know. The lesson for me isn't about the practical, it is about the idea of home. Let your idea of home be within you and attach to that, find your strength in it. The rest can come and go. It may sound as if such a view will make you hard; to the contrary it is likely to make you welcoming, because your sense of security is within you and therefore not at risk of being shaken by someone else's absence.

All of this relates to your break up question: it is all in how you frame it. You want to call it over for eternity, and it may be so. But there is no reason to call it over for eternity, until you are dead and prove it so. The exception is: if you remain attached in any way, then you may need to call it over-for-eternity to force yourself to detach and move on. Once you learn to attach to yourself, the need to attach to others will diminish, and the need to call it OVER in a dramatic way will diminish also.

Your paths have diverged. Write your own path. Expect the unexpected. The future is unwritten. You control only yourself. Go write your future. Maybe he shows up later, maybe he doesn't. Either outcome is secondary to your path.

I loved this reply, thank you so much for taking your time to write all this. I really needed to hear it. I am going to do my very best to take your advice, thankyou so much

I loved this reply, thank you so much for taking your time to write all this. I really needed to hear it. I am going to do my very best to take your advice, thankyou so much

Yay! Made me smile.