My boyfriend had a child and did not tell me

Hello,

I need advice. I began talking to my now boyfriend online last summer (June 2016). He lives in another country and we didn't actually meet in person till December of 2016. from June till December we talked everyday, we really enjoyed our relationship, he even asked me to be his girlfriend in October. Meeting him in December was great, he was everything I had imagined and more. I spent a great deal of time with his mother during his days at work and we would spend all of his off time together.

I spent about 3 weeks with him in December-January 2017, on my trip we decided that we were in love and having a long distance relationship was not feasible. We got engaged so I could begin the paperwork for what is called a K-1 visa, fiancé visa to bring him to the States. Everything was great. I remember asking his mother to do me a favor and send me a copy of his birth certificate as I needed it for the paperwork. I noticed she had took pictures of a few papers and send it via text. I had not had a chance to look at them at work and intended to do so later that evening.

That night he called me, and said he had to talk to me about something important, (at this point I still had not looked at the birth certificate). I asked him what was so important, he said that he wished he could have told me in person and he was so sorry, at this point I still don't know what he is talking about. He begins to explain that before we begin communicating, he had a fling with a girl and she got pregnant. She had the baby in November. We met In person in December, the baby was only a month old.

I was so upset, he told him he hadn't said anything to me because he didn't know if when we met in person things would change, and that he didn't want to hurt me. THE FACT IS, he was telling me because his mother had accidently sent me a copy of his child's birth certificate. The worst part is I am 32 years old, the girl he had a baby with was a teenager, he is 26.

This had destroyed me, I have tried so much to move forward with him, because I genuinely love him and think he is a great guy. But every time I see a picture of him and the baby, I just crumble. At this point, I still don't know if it is something I can live with. It has been several months since I now know the truth, but every weekend he goes to see the baby, I just feel so sad. I wish so bad it was my baby. I need advice, I need to know what to do. I feel like I am going to lose the love of my life.

hi,

this is a tough one. i imagine you're asking yourself if he would have ever told you about the baby if his mother hadn't sent the wrong birth certificate?

that is impossible to find out. he should have told you either before you went to visit him or when you were actually there.

i have children and i tell people normally on a first date.

however, you're not only going to be struggling with not knowing the truth about that but you say you crumble every time you see a photo of him with the baby.

i must ask, if he does end up moving to the states will he still be visiting the baby regularly? if he sees the baby every weekend now he is building a relationship with the baby as he should do.

when he does move to the states will you be happy with him going to visit the child and ultimately the child coming to visit you both in the states. and if he doesnt go visit the child do you want a man in your life who has deserted his child?

i always look at the worst case scenario and that is that he ends up with custody of the child. could you deal with that?

there are a few questions which only you can answer. you are going to have to do some soul searching to find the answers.

and one question i would make sure i get the answer to is...are there any more???

Wow wow WOW! He had a baby recently with a TEENAGER?! You do know in the US this is illegal right? Not to mention it's statutory rape. How old is the child? I mean by child, as in the mother by the way.

Look, you barely know this guy (in person and online), he has a newborn, has committed serious acts of misconduct, and you guys are high driving this young relationship. You two barely know each other and are engaged already, as well as saying very early I love you's and plans for children (?!). Just up until now he has been hiding something critical from you and only told you all of a sudden because he knows it is wrong and you were going to find out by mistake anyway. How in the world do you think this relationship is genuine? It is going way too fast and there are serious red flags here. You would be a fool to marry and give even more children to him. Think about what other things he may be hiding, if he could hide something as big as this.

Do you think once he is in the US, will he be tried for his crimes if he decides to become a citizen (aka marry you)? You may want to ask an agency or a lawyer.....is what he did illegal in his own country? Where is he from?

she is now 20 years old. she became pregnant at 18. in my eyes he did not break the law, but it is hard because at 18, 19, 20 you are still so young to even realize the responsibility of a child is.

Not telling you about the child is huge! How can you trust this guy? Be glad that you found this out, before marrying him.

Also, be very careful about people seeking marriage in The States. Many would do anything to be citizens.

How is he supporting the child?

He works full-time, to be honest, him coming here was my idea. He has always asked me to move to his city, which is where my family is from. I am currently finishing up my masters degree and moving to another country is just not realistic for me. I believe in my heart that he is not with me for citizenship. I believe he truly is in love with me.

Okay.

How are you going to deal with the deceit? Why didn't he tell you? Was he ever going to tell you, or keep this poor baby a secret? I would be concerned about other things, too. Hon, this is huge!!!

Honestly, i could not marry this man. I could not live with the fact that I got in the way of someone making things right with the mother -- fully coparenting that baby and being a present dad even if they were not together, or maybe giving it a shot at a relationship and family with her. He is pond scum to me if he is looking for a girlfriend when his baby is 4 weeks old (and was probably looking before that but just met you at that point). I would have hoped his whole focus was on figuring out about life as a dad to this precious child. I would not want to be with someone who hid his child - he should be a father that is beaming with pride about his child even if he is not with the mother.

Honestly, I am wondering in some way if he didn't see an opportunity - you being American and decided that he would hide the child for a chance at a VISA. You decided awfully quickly to get that fiance VISA instead of deciding to have him make a visit in return and giving yourself a few visits over the course of maybe 2 years just to give time for the relationship to unfold.

You do know if he comes to America, he is leaving the infant behind to not know his father? And also, with a fiance VISA, you are alright with financially providing for him? Its not like he is coming on his own merit - he doesn't have a job offer and a VISA independent of you.

Anyway -- my advice is to run.

I have visited him a few times since I have found out about the baby, but at this point, I cant afford to keep traveling and I am tired of a long distance relationship. I have to make a decision and it has not been easy. It is weighing heavy on my heart.

He works full-time, to be honest, him coming here was my idea. He has always asked me to move to his city, which is where my family is from. I am currently finishing up my masters degree and moving to another country is just not realistic for me. I believe in my heart that he is not with me for citizenship. I believe he truly is in love with me.

And what job would he get in the United States on a fiance VISA?

If he is truly in love with you, then he will still be in love with you if you cancel the VISA request, you visit him another time, then he visits you in your country. Do not marry in haste. You are just getting to know him. You don't know him well enough to marry him.

I have visited him a few times since I have found out about the baby, but at this point, I cant afford to keep traveling and I am tired of a long distance relationship. I have to make a decision and it has not been easy. It is weighing heavy on my heart.[/QUO

 

So he has never visited you?? He needs to do that. You have been doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. Or you need to dump him. Travel is expensive, but supporting someone who cannot work with the VISA they have or even divorce is more expensive. And if you marry him and he can't find work, you are supporting him and possibly money to send for the baby.

How can you get over the fact that he kept this from you? Have you met the child? Is he supporting the child?

I think this says a great deal about his character. You are seeing who he is.

she is now 20 years old. she became pregnant at 18. in my eyes he did not break the law, but it is hard because at 18, 19, 20 you are still so young to even realize the responsibility of a child is.

Oh well at least she was barely legal. There are still major red flags here, hon. I would tread carefully. This is a similar situation to what my father was in. It didn't fare well. At all. Knowing the aftermath from what he went through, it won't be easy as your boyfriend's significant other and, as my father's child, I can never forgive all the wrongdoings my father has done to my older half sibling, as well as myself. Just think of all the possibilities and the worst outcomes that can happen. Prepare yourself for hardship if you stay.