All my exes left me. 4th times a charm! Mens' perspective please

So.....I was here not too long ago. I have made a mess of my life. I have been dumped for the 4th time. Let me give you a little background. I am currently 25

1)First Bf [19 y/o]. Crazy and abusive. I became his mommy. He actually left me but I was happy when it happened. He was terrible liar and a cheater.

2) Second BF [27 y/o]. I was friends with this person for 3 years. Met in undergrad and he moved to California. Decided to start a relationship. I was hesitant because I care about his friendship. Anyway, he whood me, surprised me with flowers and gifts for a whooollleee 2 weeks. After that he turned into a judgmental ass who argued with me every chance he got. We went for 6 months until he ignored me for two days then dumped me.

3) Third BF [30 y/o]. Instant chemistry and so much passion. We were inseparable for at least 2 months. He moved 100 miles away after a training program. He was consistent, loving, kind.....for 6 months. Dumped me before our vacation to Paris. Ha, and I thought he was going to propose. He comes back 3 months on the dot and begs for me to take him back...crying once again. I consider, but I don't jump in, as I am too old for this game. Well the second time around he says were incompatible and everything is to hard. Dumps me on our year anniversary.

So here I am. At work, wondering why I allow this mess into my life. I don't think Im a bad person, but gosh I WANT to be one. Im not ugly, mean, or stupid. I am kind hearted, confident, a nurturer and a great friend and listener. Im not that crazy, Im attractive and a damn good catch!!

Im thinking about giving up. Maybe its not in my cards to have a decent and committed partner. I honestly believe the next man who lets me down I will physically hurt.

I have a history of depression and anxiety(but who doesn't these days?). I have had reoccurring depressive episodes after each breakup. I was suicidal after the first one, almost homicidal after the other two lol.

Men....please explain. What do I have to do to never be walked all over again

PS. Every last one of them have came back begging for another shot BTW

Before you get into these relationships, do you recall being truly happy with yourself? I too suffer from anxiety and low grade depression with some loneliness in there, but I have come to find how true it is, you must be happy with yourself or all your relationships are doomed. When you are not happy with yourself you look to other things to make you happy, sure we all want a relationship and to be loved, but it should be a desire to have someone in your life and not a need. My guess is from your description and from what I have experienced myself is, you put up with more than you should because at your core your not happy, and it makes you weak and dependent, you are not you. Just my hunch, I could be way off base, but again, are you generally happy with yourself?

Before you get into these relationships, do you recall being truly happy with yourself? I too suffer from anxiety and low grade depression with some loneliness in there, but I have come to find how true it is, you must be happy with yourself or all your relationships are doomed. When you are not happy with yourself you look to other things to make you happy, sure we all want a relationship and to be loved, but it should be a desire to have someone in your life and not a need. My guess is from your description and from what I have experienced myself is, you put up with more than you should because at your core your not happy, and it makes you weak and dependent, you are not you. Just my hunch, I could be way off base, but again, are you generally happy with yourself?

I think moreso now than 5-7 years ago. I have sought counseling and am in a better position in my life. I have a great job at a research institute and even greater friends.

I do think you hit the nail on the head though....I think I let them get away with wayyy too much. Im no sure if this is true, but if men think they can get away with anything, they ultimately lose respect for you. I never want to be that guarded girl who didn't let a man in...but I might have to. To protect myself and my sanity

Not a man but....you know what stood out to me? All your relationships start out like Hollywood rom com, with intense whirlwind romance which then ends up in ...well ....poop....which is actually the real life version. When someone is too good to be true they are. Healthy relationships start out more slow and steady, a date, then another, spaced out. To give time to get to know each other, figure out if the connection is actually there in terms of friendship, things in common, etc. It builds slow and steady over time.

This actually ties into the post above that when you are not happy with yourself, you are very vulnerable to falling for whirl wind romance type stuff that is actually very very bad for you and really messed up.

Your picker is off.

I agree with Dancing. You move too fast, not allowing yourself to see these folks for who they are.

Stop talking people back, and show yourself some love/respect.

Set boundaries, start listing things you don't want/red flags in a man. Before you get in a relationship, state clearly what you want and if he can't provide it to you, be willing to walk away.

Another rule is, don't mother him. Don't give him wife benefits when you're a girlfriend. For every two investments he makes in you, you contribute one investment in him. Two for one.

I agree! I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I just want to stop dating altogether

The easy answer... Address your own depression and anxiety first. Your saying your old and your actually young, thats an indication that you feel worn out. Take some time to heal yourself, if we're injured emotionally we tend to have emotionally injured partners in our life.

Not a man either, but full of two cents.

My quick take on the relationships you've described is that you are maybe entering relationship because you are bored. Not particularly because you are driven to seek or be in relationship, and, somehow, not even because you feel very fond of or drawn to that particular person or its character.

I know that is kind of a strange take on it, maybe, but I want to ask you -- is there something you would rather do, than relationship? There's some social or societal pressure to couple up at your age, but it isn't necessary, and if it's not your core drive, it sounds like the partnering is a bit indifferent and maybe interfering with what you are truly wanting to do in life.

Not a man either, but full of two cents.

 

My quick take on the relationships you've described is that you are maybe entering relationship because you are bored. Not particularly because you are driven to seek or be in relationship, and, somehow, not even because you feel very fond of or drawn to that particular person or its character.

 

I know that is kind of a strange take on it, maybe, but I want to ask you -- is there something you would rather do, than relationship? There's some social or societal pressure to couple up at your age, but it isn't necessary, and if it's not your core drive, it sounds like the partnering is a bit indifferent and maybe interfering with what you are truly wanting to do in life.

Interesting you say that. Every time I started a new relationship here was no real want for it. I was happy on my own and strived to excel in my career. They all wanted the relationships more than I did and I took that as a sign they would be committed.

I'm currently trying to get back to school and have a career in academia. If I choose to be in a relationship I would want someone to help support me in that.

Interesting you say that. Every time I started a new relationship here was no real want for it. I was happy on my own and strived to excel in my career. They all wanted the relationships more than I did and I took that as a sign they would be committed.

I'm currently trying to get back to school and have a career in academia. If I choose to be in a relationship I would want someone to help support me in that.

Seems like you kind of identified your problem - a misconception of how healthy dating goes and how healthy relationships actually start out. Basically, in your mind, if a man chases you hard and fast, sweeps you off your feet rom com style, he must be really into you and you'll fall for it. What you need to ask is whether this kind of over the top behavior from a man is actually healthy.....hint...it's not. In normal healthy situations, dating, learning about each other, doing things is more slow and steady, more reciprocal and it takes time to develop friendship, connection, trust - you actually grow into a relationship rather than leap into something almost instant. Plus the effort is more equal. It's not just the guy chasing you, making all plans, etc. A normal guy will expect you to reciprocate, show interest and start planning some dates as well. He won't actually chase as such and if you don't reciprocate, he is liable to walk away from you.

To add to all the great responses from other users, I want to add as A MALE that you sound very intelligent and accomplished in your field.

While it's not my case, MOST guys are intimidated by someone smarter, more accomplished, more mature, earning more than they do. It's a question of maturity and self-confidence.

Don't know if that's the case or if they earned more than you or not, but think about it and see if that could be the case.

As for me, I love intelligent women and the money issue isn't an issue at all. The more the merrier.