Long term relationship

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years, out of the 6, we have lived together for 4. I am ready to get married, I know I want to spend forever with him. His excuse is we have our whole lives. But really people are dieing everyday and I want to be his wife. I feel he doesn't want to get married bc we already live like we're married so why tie the knot. I need advice on how I can bring this up to him. He talks about buying land and building a home for us and all the details but you don't do that with your girlfriend you do that with your wife. If you have all these plans for us why not marry me. Just let me know what you think.

Well, what are his reasons for not wanting to marry at this point? Has he actually told you it's because you already more or less live as a married couple?

How old are you both? Sometimes age is a factor. How has your relationship been? How are your finances as a couple? There could be other things here that are holding him back from marrying at this time.

As for buying and building a home, well, plenty of unmarried couples do that, too. If you feel that you do not wish to take that step without being married, be honest with him. It's not wrong for you to want to marry, by the way, but it is important that you two make sure you on the same page for the future. After 6 years, you both need to know where this is heading and what you want out of it.

He talks about buying land and building a home for us and all the details but you don't do that with your girlfriend you do that with your wife.

. If you have all these plans for us why not marry me.

I'd start the conversation exactly with what you said above.

Something to note: If you are the beneficiary of his will, his life insurance, his power of attorney both for financial and medical reasons and you're living together and have bought property that is in both of your names, then you are as good as married... You just don't have the license.

In fact, where I am from after three years of living together you are considered as being in a Common-Law Marriage and you are in a dynamic that gives you just as many rights and obligations as if you did have that license.

So: Are you the beneficiary of all those things? Have you two even discussed wills and powers of attorney? If you haven't then you certainly should particularly if you are going to have children or even buy property together.

Well, what are his reasons for not wanting to marry at this point? Has he actually told you it's because you already more or less live as a married couple?

 

How old are you both? Sometimes age is a factor. How has your relationship been? How are your finances as a couple? There could be other things here that are holding him back from marrying at this time.

 

As for buying and building a home, well, plenty of unmarried couples do that, too. If you feel that you do not wish to take that step without being married, be honest with him. It's not wrong for you to want to marry, by the way, but it is important that you two make sure you on the same page for the future. After 6 years, you both need to know where this is heading and what you want out of it.

I'm 23, and he's 24. Our relationship has been great! He has never come out and said that's why. But he has said I want us to at least have careers, I think bc he wants the best for me and so we can support each other as well but we do that now. We support each other financially now.

He had money set aside from his parents passed away when he was a baby. So he will be purchasing the land out right and in the future we will build. I will not be purchasing the land with him bc I am not financially able to. I told him I would even sign a prenup if we got married bc I would never try taking the money he has from his parents he knows that as well.

He had money set aside from his parents passed away when he was a baby. So he will be purchasing the land out right and in the future we will build. I will not be purchasing the land with him bc I am not financially able to. I told him I would even sign a prenup if we got married bc I would never try taking the money he has from his parents he knows that as well.

What are YOU doing to protect yourself should this live-in relationship go south? Are you capable of living independently or does he support you? Who would get this land should he die before you?

Good questions. The house we live in was passed down from his grandma after she passed away a few years ago, she first adopted him when his parents passed. The house is payed for so all we have are utilities, he pays that. His truck is payed off. Mine isn't I pay my car, and insurance and he pays the utility bill and Internet bill. It equals the same I am paying for my bills. I help out when I can. I also do most of the house cleaning. If we were married and he were to die he said he would leave it to me. We pay for each other's food all the time, we support each other. To answer your question if we were to break up, I would not be able to afford a place of my own bc of my bills, however if the house and his truck were not payed off he would probably struggle a little as well. But we are lucky we have no house payment and his truck is payed off.

He helps me when I need it and I help him. He's always like my money is your money kinda thing and same with me.

Reading all this it sounds like you're in a stable and happy relationship. Why is the marriage title so important?

If you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay? Marriage is definitely not just a title, at least not to me. Is it to you? To him? Would you marry him if he believed marriage was just a title? It's completely valid to want to be married and not common law or live together or fiancee or girlfriend. Can you meet with a counselor -either at your church/temple or a psychologist -or some outsider where you can air your feelings about what getting married means to each of you?

Reading all this it sounds like you're in a stable and happy relationship. Why is the marriage title so important?

I am, I just feel like marriage is a sacred commitment and I want to make that commitment to him. I want to be his wife.

If you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay? Marriage is definitely not just a title, at least not to me. Is it to you? To him? Would you marry him if he believed marriage was just a title? It's completely valid to want to be married and not common law or live together or fiancee or girlfriend. Can you meet with a counselor -either at your church/temple or a psychologist -or some outsider where you can air your feelings about what getting married means to each of you?

I would not marry him if he believes marriage was just a title. He believes marriage is very sacred and shouldn't be taken lightly. As do I. Idk if maybe it's because of everything he's been through with his parents passing and the way some of his family has treated him. He could just be scared, scared things might change. I'm not sure. I think he may also be scared bc so many people our age that we know marriage hasn't worked out for them. But we are doing great always have been. I know in my heart he's my soul mate and I feel he feels the same way I guess I just want to take that next step ya know.

Your opening post made me cringe, to be honest. It sounds aggressive, panicked, desperate. If someone came at me with that tone and attitude, I'd be placed on my guard. It's like an attack, so I suggest you change how you approach this with him. Don't make it a battle it doesn't need to be. Go in with open ears. Be calm and logical. Really hear him out on what he has to say.

So he's already told you he'd like for your careers to be up and running before marrying. How are things going with that?

I'm curious why the panic on your part.. if you know it's going to happen anyways, and that he shares your values on marriage? What's with the comments about everyone dying and that 'his excuse is'- damn, he doesn't owe you marriage, you know that right?! Maybe he really just isn't ready or thinks YOU aren't ready.

When you moved into together and mingled finances/assets did you have a conversation about your intentions about marrying and if so was there a timeline?

Your opening post made me cringe, to be honest. It sounds aggressive, panicked, desperate. If someone came at me with that tone and attitude, I'd be placed on my guard. It's like an attack, so I suggest you change how you approach this with him. Don't make it a battle it doesn't need to be. Go in with open ears. Be calm and logical. Really hear him out on what he has to say.

 

So he's already told you he'd like for your careers to be up and running before marrying. How are things going with that?

 

I'm curious why the panic on your part.. if you know it's going to happen anyways, and that he shares your values on marriage? What's with the comments about everyone dying and that 'his excuse is'- damn, he doesn't owe you marriage, you know that right?! Maybe he really just isn't ready or thinks YOU aren't ready.

Your comment is an eye opener. As far as careers go we are both still trying to figure out what we want to do in life. We have done some things we thought we wanted to do but they just didn't work out. You make a good point, I guess I feel this way bc I feel pressured by certain family members, they always ask when are y'all getting married, why aren't y'all married yet, etc. and I know I shouldn't be bc I know we both love each other with everything in us. And with seeing all of my high school friends getting married and not being together half as long as me and my boyfriend have. But I'm starting to see that my life my plans aren't measured by anyone else's. Your right, if I know it's going to happen then I shouldn't be panicked as you say. I am a worrier, I worry about things I shouldn't. I've experienced a lot of death in my life, and I mean who hasn't. I'm working on those issues. And like you said, within my relationship I always go to him with listening ears and in a calm matter. We don't argue much and if we do it's over stupid stuff and we always apologize and work through it. I want to thank you for your advice it has helped me a lot.

When you moved into together and mingled finances/assets did you have a conversation about your intentions about marrying and if so was there a timeline?

We have talked about marriage a few times. His biggest concern was he wanted us to be in careers first. I just felt that wasn't needed since we live like we are married now. There was no timeline put into place. From all of the replies/advice I am getting I'm starting to see the big picture now.

We have talked about marriage a few times. His biggest concern was he wanted us to be in careers first. I just felt that wasn't needed since we live like we are married now. There was no timeline put into place. From all of the replies/advice I am getting I'm starting to see the big picture now.

I meant before you agreed to move in together and share finances- did you tell him that that was ok to do long term without being married? What did you say on the subject. If nothing then he was entitled to assume you were fine being "like married" without making a marital commitment.

I meant before you agreed to move in together and share finances- did you tell him that that was ok to do long term without being married? What did you say on the subject. If nothing then he was entitled to assume you were fine being "like married" without making a marital commitment.

I did not, it kinda just happened so fast bc his grandmother passed away and I moved in with him to help keep the house up. You are absolutely right. Nothing was said on the subject.

I did not, it kinda just happened so fast bc his grandmother passed away and I moved in with him to help keep the house up. You are absolutely right. Nothing was said on the subject.

So, some of this might be out of left field for him since you didn't discuss specific intentions before moving in together.

It sounds like you want to get married for the wrong reasons. Saying you want to get married because people keep asking you when are going to isn't a very good reason. Family pressure and "all my friend's are doing it" aren't very good reasons either.

You wanting to get married should be an internal thing between you two. I understand you want to be his wife but that is really the only person reason I read.

I was 23 when I got married. I started dating my eventual wife when I was 17. I wanted to get married way too fast. She told me she wouldn't marry me until I could be a supportive husband with a profession. Her huge concern was that we needed to have stable professions before marriage. Same thing you were told it seems.

So I sat down and we laid out a potential plan. She said she wouldn't marry me until then so I got another job and went to college. Finished college and got a nice job. Then proposed.

If you want to get married but he said he wants to work on careers then go work on a career then get married.

You life isn't going to change after marriage. It sounds like you are very much together. You already have someone to struggle through life with so I would do what he says and work on your professions.

I would tell him I was tired of being just his girlfriend.

So art packing your things, leave.....and he will come running. He will beg you to marry him.