Spending money on credit cards

I found out a few weeks ago that my boyfriend of 4 years was spending money before we had it or just putting it on a credit card. He already has $15,000 in debt from his previous marriage. He has lied to me about how much he spent and he always tells me "I got it" or "I'll figure it out". After I found all of this out I took over the financial responsibility and took control of how much we were spending and where. Well jump forward to today, he told me that he messed up and bout a $300 scope for a gun yesterday. So not only did he put more money on the credit card but he also didn't tell me about it for an entire day! I feel so hurt and betrayed. I honestly don't know what to do or even what to say at this point. Any help or advice out there???

Money is a big issue in relationships.

Are you living together right now? Do you have plans to get married? Does it seem like,you two are compatible when it comes to money management?

It is one thing for him to have debt from the past, but if he was managing his money well right now and paying off the debt, then that would be a good sign. But he is not.

On the other hand, he is an adult and you as a girlfriend should not be "mothering" him in this way. Essentially you are trying to change him, and he will end up resenting you for that. Most especially because you are not married.

If you were married, then I think both spouses should agree on a budget (that includes payment toward paying off credit card debt). But each person should have some discretionary money built into the budget so they can spend that set amount on things of their choice.

Some couples have an agreement that they would discuss purchases over a set amount before spending it.

My concern with the power struggle you seem to have, your bf is just going to hide his purchases from you better. My friend's husband simply got a few new credit cards he didn't tell his wife about. Eventually she found out, and they separated.

My advice- you two don't seem to be compatible when it comes to money management. It will only get worse if you get married, because then his debts and poor credit affect yours.

I would think seriously of letting this relationship go.

I agree with the above poster!

My question, does your boyfriend have any intentions on paying down or off his credit card? Does it not bother him that he has such a big credit card debt? It's only going to get bigger, hence the interest rate. Has he thought of maybe getting a line of credit, pay off the credit card and get rid of the credit card until he pays off the line of credit?

Something for you to think about, you are just going to resent him. Then you two are just going to fight about this over and over again. It will take a toll on you.

You aren't married. You're not legally liable for his debt. There's no reason in the world to completely voluntarily put yourself in a position to be. If his financial habits leave too much to doubt, leave him. However, don't mistake your urge to control and dictate with simply being "responsible."

We have a 2 year old daughter. We do live together. He goes through spurts of wanting to budget and pay debt but after a few weeks he breaks that plan.

We have a 2 year old daughter. We do live together. He goes through spurts of wanting to budget and pay debt but after a few weeks he breaks that plan.

It's probably a good thing you two are not actually married. That way you are not personally liable for his financial issues. As for trying to fix it, honestly you can't. The more you try to the more he'll end up resisting and resenting you and eventually it will wreck your relationship. One idea that might be better is rather than you trying to teach him and budget him, get a neutral party in - like an accountant. Many accountants provide these types of services and some are quite cheap. Even a consultation and a talking to from someone other than you might help. Either a different person or a different approach that another person might offer and get him excited about might help.

Honestly though, if he is a compulsive spender.....I wouldn't hold my breath about change. Keep your finances separate and don't be surprised if at some point he'll end up in bankruptcy. So keep your finances strictly separate.

Do you have any sort of legal agreement regarding your finances? Not sure what the laws are in your state, but if common law marriage exists, you could be legally liable for his debts.

Smart of you to recognize this, but you really need to protect yourself, and your daughter, legally.

he told me that he messed up and bout a $300 scope for a gun yesterday.

Well, he could return the scope, and sell the gun, putting that money toward paying down his debt. But he's not the one on here asking for advice.

So, here's the thing. You know what he's like (' He has lied to me about how much he spent and he always tells me "I got it" or "I'll figure it out"') and rather than hoping he'll change and feeling hurt when he doesn't (by "messing up", then fessing up), it might be worth your while to make your choices about the relationship as if he were never to change. Would you stay? Because if you knew he would never change, could you stay and not nag and not become resentful? If not, you could choose for you, and move forward with your values and best interests in mind. If, down the road, he changes and proves himself to be changed and reliable at it, then you could consider starting anew. As it stands now, you two have different values when it comes to money, and how to handle it within a partnership.

You can't change him or hope he'll change, you can only change you, and what you do.