My foreign boyfriend is starting to get to me

Hello,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. When I first met him, I thought the foreign language was sexy, until it became a huge barrier. He wasn't born here, and English is not his first language, although he speaks it fluently. The problems arise when his family gets involved. Every time we are at his parents house, it's all foreign language, even though his parents speak English as well. I tried not to let it get to me at first, but it's becoming a barrier to our relationship. I hate having to ask him every time he gets off the phone with family what's going on. He feels so connected with my family, but with his, I'll never have that "mother-daughter in law" relationship. I love him but I'm afraid the longer this relationship goes on, the harder it will be.. especially when it comes to kids.

Am I being reasonable for having this concern?

Why shouldn't they speak their own language at home, Test?

It is their house.

Have a go at learning some of it...maybe? Another language is always useful.

No I do not think you are being reasonable...

Why shouldn't they speak their own language at home, Test?

It is their house.

 

Have a go at learning some of it...maybe? Another language is always useful.

 

No I do not think you are being reasonable...

When we sit at the dinner table and eat, I thought it's only fair that we can ALL be involved in the conversation. I feel like I only hear what they want me to hear, and it makes me feel really uncomfortable sometimes.

I've tried picking up on some of their language (I know basic words), but it's hard to learn thoroughly when you're a full time student.

This isn't the real issue in your relationship. It's just a sign of some other fundamental issue. Can't say for sure what it is without more details. I do sense that you are on the edge of breaking up though. It will probably happen soon.

You are not "ALL", Test. You are one person at their table. And I am sure they interject with English from time to time.

You think they are talking about you lol. That is called a persecutory complex.......

You don't have to write a thesis in their language, just pick up enough to make some contribution to their conversation..

You mention "mother/daughter-in-law". Are you getting married soon to this man?

You may do well to consider if this is an ideal scenario for you.

I would worry more about food throwing and car keying than his parents speak another language.

We're not getting married anytime soon, although we talk about it from time to time. We do live together which makes problems more visible.

I love him as a person but there are so many "uncontrollable factors" that I wish I could change.

I would worry more about food throwing and car keying than his parents speak another language.

Yup, you're definitely right.

What language does his family speak? I understand some languages are vastly different from English in terms of vocabulary, structure, and phonetics, to the point you're just not going to pick up a whole lot listening to conversation, but anything Latin-based I feel like you should have at least picked up conversationally if you wanted to interact with his family in their own home.

Sometimes my gal will come home griping about folks speaking another language at her work, which I do consider disrespectful when everyone's got a responsibility and communicating in a common language is important, but when it comes to how a family choosing to communicate in the language they're most comfortable with in their own home, I think that's fair enough. For what it's worth, I'm bilingual.

I would worry more about food throwing and car keying than his parents speak another language.

I do think it's rude for them to speak a language you don't understand when you're invited over for dinner. (I grew up in a bilingual household, by the way, and now live in a trilingual one. We try very hard never to do this.) They may not be conscious of doing this, however, and how it feels from your perspective.

If you are serious about your boyfriend, I think it could be helpful for you to learn the family's language. I would also speak with your boyfriend and ask if his family can make some effort to speak English when they invite you over. Perhaps you and your boyfriend could take his parents out - gives you a chance to get to know them, and perhaps being outside the home will mean there's not the habit of automatically speaking their native language.

As far as relationships with inlaws, there's no guarantee that you would be close with or get along well with another boyfriend's family. If you two do marry, you have the rest of your life to build a close relationship with your inlaws. I consider a close relationship with your spouse's family to be a bonus, not a must-have.

If you do marry, I would strongly suggest learning his language as you'll feel very left out when your children speak it and you don't.

I'de rather not specify which language because I don't want to put anyone on blast.

We have tried stressing to his parents to speak English when I'm around, but it seems as though they disregard it most of the time.

" which now scares me even more because I am noticing more and more things come up that bug me about him. "

So in essence it is not about the language. Other things are bugging you. What?

Find a BF who is native to your own land, OP. Then you won't have this problem.

I just realized that none of the threads can be removed. I came on here with the intention of asking for advice without anyone in my life getting involved.

Who in your life do you think is on this thread? OP? Unless you tell them they cannot possibly know.

I appreciate the advice. Thank you..

I just don't know. I'm a huge overthinker and my boyfriend is a computer nerd.

There you go OP. Done.

Now, what makes you think your BF is on this forum? How could he unless you told him YOU were here.

You are perfectly entitled to seek advice here and anywhere else, but surely you can talk to him about your concerns, in particular as you may well (or not?) be marrying him.

I don't imagine he knows your "name" on here?

You seem very uptight and worried, OP. And it is definitely not the language issue that is really bothering you, is it?

There you go OP. Done.

 

Now, what makes you think your BF is on this forum? How could he unless you told him YOU were here.

 

You are perfectly entitled to seek advice here and anywhere else, but surely you can talk to him about your concerns, in particular as you may well (or not?) be marrying him.

 

I don't imagine he knows your "name" on here?

 

You seem very uptight and worried, OP. And it is definitely not the language issue that is really bothering you, is it?

Everything you're saying is right. I do have every right to be on here seeking advice but I'll admit that I've gotten to a deseperate state of asking for help. Him and I used to be able to work everything out together, but I've been feeling very insecure lately even after we "make up." I've always been one to feel confident so this sucks.

I can't even pinpoint what the "real" issue is. Realistically him and I have everything going for us, but lately I feel as though he deserves better than me.

Not sounding good at all, OP. If you are in a desperate state seeking help then something is wrong.

Don't go further with this relationship or the other, er, matter, if you are having these doubts. You are surely not tied into the situation in any way are you? Not obliged?

Not sounding good at all, OP. If you are in a desperate state seeking help then something is wrong.

 

Don't go further with this relationship or the other, er, matter, if you are having these doubts. You are surely not tied into the situation in any way are you? Not obliged?

What I meant by "desperate" is that I've gotten to a point where I don't want to discuss these matters with family or friends because I already feel like I know what they will say. Getting a strangers perspective allows it to be more cutthroat and unbiased.

I'm not in any way tied to this relationship. When we're on good terms, he treats me like a queen. When we fight, things get nasty. I say I don't feel like I deserve him because he's about to graduate college and have a steady career, while I'm going through this quarter life crisis not knowing what the f*** I want or where I will be in the next 5 years.

If in doubt "don't" OP. Good for him if he is graduating. However, you need to live your life too and you are entitled to do so. Don't get tied down if you don't want to. It will cause resentment. At your age you should be out there travelling and having a life. Lots of time ahead to settle down.

I presume your friends and family are urging you to leave this relationship. Am I correct?

I do have to agree with them. You feel left out of his family, you two get into toxic arguments where things are thrown at one another and you keyed his car.

This relationship, no matter how many "good times" are interspersed between the toxic fights, doesn't seem like it's the right one for you. At least from what you've written.

Thanks, LaHermes. I really don't feel tied down. If anything, it may be the opposite and HE feels tied down. I don't know. What I do know is that I need to stop stressing about what could go wrong, and focus on what's right.

And no, no one has tried to persuade me out of this relationship actually. From the outside everything seems good. It's just lately that I've been having more concerns.. it's only recent that our fights have gotten pretty nasty.