Looking for a proper approach to a decreased sexdrive of my partner

I just moved in with my girlfriend a while ago, and I have been quite disappointed to notice that her sexual needs went down almost instantly.

When we cuddle and I try to move forward, she just turns away from me most of the times after a quick kiss, or takes my hand off her. It wasn`t like this a while ago, and I almost feel like I have been fooled here. She was all over me a while ago, and she never turned me down, like really never ever, and now I`m facing this daily torture. I want to have sex with her about every minute since I`m awake, and it`s really painful to wake up in this nightmare of being rejected by someone who you just had an amazing sexlife with. Don`t get me wrong, we still have sex (and it`s still amazing) but way less than what we used to have, and it`s me who keeps doing all the initiatives hoping to get accepted every now and then. I never had to be afraid of getting rejected a while ago, and she also used to do initiatives.

This is something I don`t want to confront her about yet, because from my past experiences I can tell it only makes things worse, because after that sex can really become psychologically heavy for the woman. I don´t want her to feel like I`m pressuring her to have more sex than what she wants to have.

I have a really high sex drive, and I want sex every day, preferably twice. At the moment I need to masturbate in every real chance I get, even when she`s sleeping. I`m also noticing I`m carrying this subconcious grudge towards her because of this, and it`s bothering me because I want to be a good loving man for her. I`d love to get back her sexdrive which was the same as mine a while ago.

I have a few options to go for here in my mind which are;

1. Put even more determination to the initiatives to restore the impression of confidence I might have lost here, and don`t take no for an answer until it`s really a NO. She is a woman who appreciates determination, in romance and in life in general, so I`m positive she also appreciates condifence. She hates getting hinted about stuff, and wants direct approach. The risk in this approach is that she might feel I`m not respecting her will, which is not my goal obviously.

2. Stop all the initiatives for good, and see what happens. This would sure have a strong effect and turn things around, but not necessarily for the good. It would break our dynamic, which has led me into a very uncomfortable situation. I would most likely seem like I`m angry about something if I pull this off, because it doesn`t stop me from wanting her. I don`t believe I could act normal with this option because of that, but atleast I could see how long it would take until she starts taking initiatives.

3. Start spending as much time off the house as I can until she starts to normalize her sexdrive. If the reason for her drop has been us spending too much time together, this could work. Only risk here is that she might think somethings` off because I normally don`t spend much time outside the flat.

4. I need your help here, what more options do I have and what would be the best one from the 3 I have come up with?

Wow, what a lot of resentment I am reading here ! Is there anything going on in her life right now maybe? What about just asking what her expectatons are ? Moving in together is a big adjustment. Whereas before when you were not living together she was probably putting her mind in a mindset that there would be sexual activity and was responsive . Now, probably now that you live together she cannot be on that mindset 24/7.

Lastly what is exactly according to you a ''real NO'' ??? A real no imo is the first one you receive. After that making her repeat and justify her refusal is just going to accentuate resentment and exhaust her, whichy will not play in your favor if you want to increase sexual activity.

I wonder if she is feeling pressured to have sex when she isn't in the mood. That can really put a girl off. She may not want to cuddle or kiss you because she knows you want it to lead to sex. It doesn't always have to, you can cuddle and kiss her and that's it and she may feel more comfortable. Also it's normal when you're living together for sex to go down a lot. Just masturbate more when you want to, no shame in that. You could also try spicing things up in the bedroom with her (when she is in the mood) to bring more excitement.

I'm in the same position. My bf says he's too tired or too stressed to get up but always seems to look online at naked women. I feel insecure when that happens cause it's like hello naked woman right in front of you. I'd go with option 3 yes it might be a little weird for her but she will began to miss you and crave you. Or you can go with option 1... in my opinion I think it's great when I man wants you all the time. It should make you feel great! Only you know her best. So go with a route you think will be best for your relationship. Encourage her to go out with some friends that way it's not weird

. She hates getting hinted about stuff, and wants direct approach.

If this is true I would suggesting skipping all the tricks and games and talk to her. You are adults in a committed relationship you should be able to have a open conversation about sex.

Wow, what a lot of resentment I am reading here ! Is there anything going on in her life right now maybe? What about just asking what her expectatons are ? Moving in together is a big adjustment. Whereas before when you were not living together she was probably putting her mind in a mindset that there would be sexual activity and was responsive . Now, probably now that you live together she cannot be on that mindset 24/7.

 

Lastly what is exactly according to you a ''real NO'' ??? A real no imo is the first one you receive. After that making her repeat and justify her refusal is just going to accentuate resentment and exhaust her, whichy will not play in your favor if you want to increase sexual activity.

I`m the first man she has ever lived with, that`s a big thing naturally for her. I have been really thoughtful about her expectations, and we have discussed them openly and I have respected everything she wanted. By a real NO I mean that I wouldn`t just give up when she gives me a signal I perceive negative. I`ve been really kind to her and this has nothing to do with me trying to force her into anything, it`s just a way of coming on more confident than she is used to now.

I wonder if she is feeling pressured to have sex when she isn't in the mood. That can really put a girl off. She may not want to cuddle or kiss you because she knows you want it to lead to sex. It doesn't always have to, you can cuddle and kiss her and that's it and she may feel more comfortable. Also it's normal when you're living together for sex to go down a lot. Just masturbate more when you want to, no shame in that. You could also try spicing things up in the bedroom with her (when she is in the mood) to bring more excitement.

That`s exactly what I try to avoid, making her feel pressured. But I have come to the point where I need to start doing something or I will lose my mind. She wants to cuddle a lot, and we cuddle a lot without me trying anything, so that should not be a problem. I also kiss her a lot without trying to get laid. I don`t want a relationship where sex goes down a lot. High sexdrive is one of my key requirements for a partner because I need it. I don`t want to force myself into masturbating because I can`t have sex with my girlfriend, that`s not ideal at all. Spicing things up is always a good, but our sex is really great every time so I can´t even come up with any area that would need spicing.

I'm in the same position. My bf says he's too tired or too stressed to get up but always seems to look online at naked women. I feel insecure when that happens cause it's like hello naked woman right in front of you. I'd go with option 3 yes it might be a little weird for her but she will began to miss you and crave you. Or you can go with option 1... in my opinion I think it's great when I man wants you all the time. It should make you feel great! Only you know her best. So go with a route you think will be best for your relationship. Encourage her to go out with some friends that way it's not weird

My symphaties for your situation, it`s really frustrating to experience that. Yeah I tought all of those would be valid options, with pros and cons..

If this is true I would suggesting skipping all the tricks and games and talk to her. You are adults in a committed relationship you should be able to have a open conversation about sex.

So far she doesn`t know I feel this way, and I would like it to stay that way until it`s absolutely necessary to confront her. I`m a person who breaks things down in such detailed levels, that I`m a bit afraid I could mess things up with it.

So far she doesn`t know I feel this way, and I would like it to stay that way until it`s absolutely necessary to confront her. I`m a person who breaks things down in such detailed levels, that I`m a bit afraid I could mess things up with it.

You are building resentment while you aren't talking to her. It's going to be easier if you talk about it now instead of when you are bitter from trying to trick her into doing what you want.

High sexdrive is one of my key requirements for a partner because I need it.

That is pretty clear. If high sex drive is a MUST for you, you need to be able to talk about it. This is someone you are thinking about spending your life with, you need to be able to talk straight forwardly about your needs. And this is clearly a need.

You say that she wasn't like this before. Did she perhaps go on any different medications recently or have some major upheaval in her life?

I also echo the question about medications. Has she started a new birth control, for example?

Also, ask her without seeming like you are trying to guilt her or complaining, and definitely not like you are demanding or making ultimatums. Come from a place of concern - I mean, what if she is depressed?!

Maybe something like, "I notice we don't have sex as much anymore. It's important to me to have sex with my partner on ___ basis. Is there anything bothering you that has caused this change?". Then let her talk and really listen.

Otherwise

- Do you split chores pretty evenly? There is an insightful joke that the dirty dishes in the sink will find their way into your bedroom and ruin your sex life. Having to do most of the household chores can build resentment in many women (since they usually work outside the home too) and kill their desire for their partner. It makes a man seem like a child and the woman feels like a mother - not a sexy dynamic

- Are you too controlling or too passive? Either can mess up your dynamic. One makes her feel like a child and like you're Dad, and as noted above, the other can make you seem like a child and like she is Mom.

- Do you still woo her? Sometimes when you live with someone, you can start taking them for granted except when you need something from them (ie sex). You spend a lot of time around each other, but not really connecting. Many women basically need consistent wooing from a partner in order to feel emotional connection and romantic attraction that turns them on sexually. This includes quality time, connecting with deeper conversation, being flirty & playful again, sharing experiences outside of the everyday tasks of life (get out of ruts, inject novelty), and making her feel beautiful with compliments and your general treatment of her (big difference between "I desire YOU" and "I want to use your body to meet my sexual needs").

You are building resentment while you aren't talking to her. It's going to be easier if you talk about it now instead of when you are bitter from trying to trick her into doing what you want.

 

 

 

That is pretty clear. If high sex drive is a MUST for you, you need to be able to talk about it. This is someone you are thinking about spending your life with, you need to be able to talk straight forwardly about your needs. And this is clearly a need.

There indeed is a need of discussion, you are right there. I don`t want to build up resentment. I really don`t believe I`m trying to trick her into anything, I just tried to have a plan to fix things without having to make it an issue for her, which I will do if I speak up. For example stating that high sexdrive is a requirement for me (which it is), can feel a bit pressuring. However if I don`t come up with anything or whatever I come up with, I eventually need to talk with her.

You say that she wasn't like this before. Did she perhaps go on any different medications recently or have some major upheaval in her life?

We just moved in together, and she has never lived together with anyone before. In my knowledge she doesn`t use any medications, but that`s something I can ask her without confronting her.

I also echo the question about medications. Has she started a new birth control, for example?

 

Also, ask her without seeming like you are trying to guilt her or complaining, and definitely not like you are demanding or making ultimatums. Come from a place of concern - I mean, what if she is depressed?!

 

Maybe something like, "I notice we don't have sex as much anymore. It's important to me to have sex with my partner on ___ basis. Is there anything bothering you that has caused this change?". Then let her talk and really listen.

 

Otherwise

- Do you split chores pretty evenly? There is an insightful joke that the dirty dishes in the sink will find their way into your bedroom and ruin your sex life. Having to do most of the household chores can build resentment in many women (since they usually work outside the home too) and kill their desire for their partner. It makes a man seem like a child and the woman feels like a mother - not a sexy dynamic

 

- Are you too controlling or too passive? Either can mess up your dynamic. One makes her feel like a child and like you're Dad, and as noted above, the other can make you seem like a child and like she is Mom.

 

- Do you still woo her? Sometimes when you live with someone, you can start taking them for granted except when you need something from them (ie sex). You spend a lot of time around each other, but not really connecting. Many women basically need consistent wooing from a partner in order to feel emotional connection and romantic attraction that turns them on sexually. This includes quality time, connecting with deeper conversation, being flirty & playful again, sharing experiences outside of the everyday tasks of life (get out of ruts, inject novelty), and making her feel beautiful with compliments and your general treatment of her (big difference between "I desire YOU" and "I want to use your body to meet my sexual needs").

Thank you for your good post.

She doesn`t use birth control (neither of us wants that), and I`m not aware of her using any form of medication.

I have already tried to ask her if everything is ok with her, and if she is feeling fine in general. She told me that everything is fine with her, and started asking me if I`m ok, so I quess she is fine. She doesn`t seem depressed neither at all.

That`s what I`m scared of, that she will feel like I`m making demands about our sexlife, or otherwise feel pressured as a result of the confrontation. If I talk to her about this, I quess I need to think very carefully what I would say. "Is there anything bothering you that has caused this change" sounds like a good way to ask about it.

I`m going to talk with her eventually if I can`t fix things with other solutions.

While we have been living together, I have done about everything from cleaning the kitchen to hoovering the house without her even asking about it. She was a bit afraid about these things before we moved in, because my own apartment was always such a mess and I really didn`t care about cleaning it, so for me it was obvious I would do my best with the chores from the first day we lived together, and I also promised her that before we decided to move in. I`m doing well in this field in my own opinion atm.

I have tried to be passive lately with the flat, because I have noticed that she really doesn`t like a lot of stuff I`m suggesting about our apartment etc. We had a few fights about furniture, paintings etc when I tried to make suggestions regarding them, and she really didn`t accept any of my visions. I was a bit bothered about this, which made me want to be able to decide atleast something because hey I live here as well, which led to a fight because she wanted to decide everything honestly. And to tell the truth I don`t care that much, I just want to live with her, so I told her that she could decide everything if that`s what she wants. I still paid half of everything obviously. In general she makes plans all the time for us, so I quess she`s way more controlling than I am. But we are both fine with that I quess, because I don`t plan my life the way she does, and we both know it.

I woo her a lot. I bring her flowers and cook for her, and tell her nice things every day. This definitely shouldn`t be the cause of the problem. Sometimes I think if the problem is that she`s taking me for granted, because I`m too available for her and give her too much attention. A while ago I also tought that there were some issues in our deeper level conversation, but it was about some other stuff. Could be related to this issue also tough, if we have lost some part of our connection. That was only a minimal thing though, nothing big.

I have read many a post where the sex goes bye-bye. When one partner decides they don't need it much anymore, what do they expect the other partner to do? Cheating will eventually occur, and the spouse not engaging in sex will be so hurt and wonder why... Sex is an important part of a relationship. If she thinks she can check out of that without a mention, I have a feeling your next post will read "Single" again.

I have read many a post where the sex goes bye-bye. When one partner decides they don't need it much anymore, what do they expect the other partner to do? Cheating will eventually occur, and the spouse not engaging in sex will be so hurt and wonder why... Sex is an important part of a relationship. If she thinks she can check out of that without a mention, I have a feeling your next post will read "Single" again.

Sex going bye-bye.. I wonder why would people are wiling to accept that kind of relationship, unless they don`t enjoy having sex at all, which I would also wonder. I also read a lot of people accepting the fact that the initial high in the relationship causes you to have more sex than normally etc, and when it`s over the amount of sex decreases a lot. I`m not willing to accept the kind of drastic decrease most people seem to be, as I`m not willing to accept the kind of relationship where you are not having a crush for your partner over and over again. I want to be able to be that for someone, and have someone being that for me, so there would be no need for cheating desires. I need to figure out why my partner experiences the lack of sex drive, and counter that somehow. She is the best thing ever happened to me really, like she`s almost too perfect in every aspect; Beautiful, funny, smart, fit and wicked in a good way. It would really be a pity if she would lose her interest in sex.

I have found somewhat stable road to take here as a test, that seemed to work out well.

Early yesterday I tried to kiss her passionately two times, only to get disappointed by her reaction which again was a quick kiss and face turned away from me even tough I grabbed her waist.

I got frustrated, but didn`t express it directly at all, I just smiled. After the last time I started to spend time in other rooms of the apartment than she did, and honestly lost my interest in talking with her, I also went out jogging and just tried to live my life without interacting with her more than absolutely necessary. I still didn`t display any frustration, or negative emotions to her at any point. When she talked to me, I talked back normally, but only what she asked me of. So in a way I turned back the same cold cheeck to her in other areas, than what she did to me in sex, very politely though. At some point she started trying to get attention from me by saying nice things more than usual, which I replied with stationary nice replies, again being nice to her but not saying more than necessary to meet her words. Then at some point she made a very passionate initiative. I was so happy. This whole series of reactions from her now made me believe she might had already felt emotionally a bit pushed to the corner, and really received too much attention from me than optimal.

Well I hope it works out for you. Maybe just a bump in the road. Perhaps a bit of aloofness will work. Let her come to you.

...I would like it to stay that way until it`s absolutely necessary to confront her...

Keep in mind that it will really only be "confronting" her if you let it be long enough to turn into a huge problem.

Talk to her now and it won't be a confrontation. I guarantee she'll appreciate your openness far more than the passive aggression she'll likely experience if you "confront" her.