I have been getting night messages from men lately, does it now work like this?

Hi all, I am new here. I am pretty "new" in this dating world. I have had only long term relationships before which had completely different dynamic.

I started to date again but I don't understand what is going on, if this is now normal or not. When I have my first date I want to get to know the person and see if there is something or not, I don't want to have sex on the first date, I usually have a kiss or a hug. I don't see a problem with this. We also communicate what we would like to get from a potential partner (I am honest to tell, it's usually a man who initiate this question) and I always get the same answer from men - I want LTR, probably marriage and children later. Yet I have the same experience again and again. Man either push me to get to my house to sleep over or if the date is nice enough and there is no push and I feel happy, I get some weird late night text to come over (usually at 11pm or later). If I answer that I am happy to come, but not after the first date, that I would like to know the person better (for me maybe 4 - 6 dates but I don’t have any time frame for it, it should happen naturally, I guess?), I get vulgar and rude answers that I am not normal, b*tch, that I will stay forever alone if I behave like this. Now I am even scared to go for a date. I date men older than 30 yo. My question is if the modern dating is now like that? I am unable to adjust to it.

Are you on a dating site? Trust me when I say that a lot of guys will say whatever they need to say to get into someone's pants. "Oh, yeah, I'm totally looking for a LTR here and not just a hookup"...gracious, I've seen that so much. One time I matched with a friend of a friend who was able to find me on Facebook (I didn't even use my real name on the site; it was through pictures and chance alone) and he followed me over there to continue pestering me for a "visit" to his hometown. Urgh. Another guy asked me for a bootycall straight up, and when I told him I wasn't interested he asked if I would just come over and cuddle with him twice a week.

However, I do want to say that not all guys are like this. Sometimes it just takes a while to dig through the weeds.

This is entirely normal - for men looking for a booty call only. OR these are the ones with zero social skills living in a basement somewhere raised on pornhub. I'm sorry, trolls are what they are and sadly they have found the dating sites. All you can do is block and delete them and move on. It's gotten so bad another forum whose name starts with an "r" and ends with "dit" has an entire thread devoted to "creepy pms" and it is the most depressing thing I have ever read in my life. Ten minutes on there and I was ready to decommission the entire human race.

So what you do is realize this is a numbers game and you either join a paid website who will weed the rude, scary ones out OR you get really fast at the delete block anyone like that and move on. And you don't engage them at all, in any way shape or form the moment you see that. If your profile says you don't do casual sex or are not looking for a good time only, and you get someone who then becomes openly sexual or asks you a sexual question or tries to contact you late at night wanting to come over you just block and delete them on the spot. No talking to them, no trying to reason with them, no arguing, nope, not so much as a "flip off." You just block the guy immediately and move on. And definitely no giving in to anyone who tries to bully/belittle you into meeting with them. Good people don't bully other people and go from nice to rage in zero seconds the moment they're told no. So nope the heck out of there the moment you see that crap.

You're looking for real people, not the trolls of the world who sadly have decided to try and scotch it for the good guys out there and you'll get a certain percentage of that. So look for the dating site that's like this forum, they get rid of people who are there just to upset others, because frankly that is what that is. No one in their right mind says, "Hmmm, this person isn't looking for casual sex. I know! I'll send a picture of my body part then ask for nudes. That will land me the woman/man of my dreams."

So realize those are trolls. They don't want to date you. They want to upset you. Don't let them, just block and delete. And find a good paid website that removes people they get complaints on if you're going to do OLD. Do coffee dates only at first with transport you provide, watch for red flags, because that's something you need to do even with that nice guy your friends might introduce you to - and relax.

You are not doing anything wrong.

Are you on a dating site? Trust me when I say that a lot of guys will say whatever they need to say to get into someone's pants. "Oh, yeah, I'm totally looking for a LTR here and not just a hookup"...gracious, I've seen that so much. One time I matched with a friend of a friend who was able to find me on Facebook (I didn't even use my real name on the site; it was through pictures and chance alone) and he followed me over there to continue pestering me for a "visit" to his hometown. Urgh. Another guy asked me for a bootycall straight up, and when I told him I wasn't interested he asked if I would just come over and cuddle with him twice a week.

 

However, I do want to say that not all guys are like this. Sometimes it just takes a while to dig through the weeds.

Yes, I've also found all kind of "creeps". It's a matter of developing thick skin and weed out the creeps and delete them. It's also important not to give personal contacts before meeting in person. I've made that mistake in the past and I had to block some people.

Some examples of what I've found:

- The "I'm totally looking for a LTR like Wombat said, just to get "to the cookie" faster

- The "I'm totally over my ex" but you can totally see that they're there to look for a rebound

- The ones that try to have the first date at their home and act totally surprised and shocked when you reveal that you're not comfortable in that

- The guys that seem to be there only to get girls to sexting with

- The guys that are never available to meet if you plan it the day before but invite you to meet out of the blue in the middle of the night (booty call much?)

- The guys that seem nice at first and try to take you home after the first date in a public place and get all annoyed when you don't want

- The guys that tell you "you're not adventurous nor fun" when you refuse their booty calls or their quick advances or other guilt tripping methods

It's important to block and delete the red flaguish ones right away so that you don't lose time with them. Some people like one of my best friends find the right one right away and everything goes amazingly. Other people (like me and many of my friends) have to weed through lots of creeps or even people that are nice but they're simply not right for us.

Thank you....

I gave one guy a chance who tried to booty call me and he went all angry after I told him very politely that I didn't do it and then he apologized. I continued seeing him and it was a disaster, he was blaming me for it the whole next two months and only at night so I couldn't sleep, also I only could see him on his terms and I couldn't meet anyone else (and we were only casual) and he was also cancelling on me as he wanted. I finally wanted to end it (in person) but he had headache each time I told him to go for lunch, walk, coffee....so I sent him text that I don't see us as partners....I met him only 6 times but what he did after is beyond my understanding, he sent me threatening and very vulgar texts so I had to block him everywhere. But I guess it's my fault for ignoring red flags and the night text was not only one red flag here. I am quite disappointed. Probably need to be more aware next time.

Sounds like a real winner. Like I said, I had to block a guy who started crying all over my (totally unconnected) Facebook account after he managed to track me down. I had just started a new job and thought he might be a colleague since the mutual friend was someone from work...I leave my phone for half an hour and have 15 messages, about 50 notifications (he went back and forth between liking everything I'd posted and writing comments about how awesome I was/how depressed he was that he couldn't have me), and several actual friends making sure I was okay. Yep, blocked him immediately.

If it's financially reasonable, try going for a paid site. They usually don't have as many bootycallers on them.

I am not from the USA but from middle Europe, I am using one paid dating site - but the fee is very low so I think almost everyone can afford it, it should be the best dating site out here, anyway I used also not paid and they were far worse. I am also pretty honest in my profile - serious relationship, but almost everyone there has the same thing. My friends usually tell me that they had to go at least for 40 - 60 dates to find someone and I went only for 5. One man married, second living with his ex gf, third one looked completely different than picture, the fourth I tried to date and now the last one who was showing me all the pubs where he vomited and got drunk. Yet 4 of them tried to sext me at night and went all angry when I refused. And also there are people who you describe and you can spot them immediately - so I don't go out with them at all.

I am quite worried that I see even in other countries there are similar people. Really sad.

I am not from the USA but from middle Europe, I am using one paid dating site - but the fee is very low so I think almost everyone can afford it, it should be the best dating site out here, anyway I used also not paid and they were far worse. I am also pretty honest in my profile - serious relationship, but almost everyone there has the same thing. My friends usually tell me that they had to go at least for 40 - 60 dates to find someone and I went only for 5. One man married, second living with his ex gf, third one looked completely different than picture, the fourth I tried to date and now the last one who was showing me all the pubs where he vomited and got drunk. Yet 4 of them tried to sext me at night and went all angry when I refused. And also there are people who you describe and you can spot them immediately - so I don't go out with them at all.

I am quite worried that I see even in other countries there are similar people. Really sad.

Which website is that, may I ask?

I've only used apps and never websites. Free apps are a pot of creeps even though as I said there are success stories too.

I always had the feeling that dating websites didn't have much people in my age range (twenties) so I never tried them.

Which website is that, may I ask?

 

I've only used apps and never websites. Free apps are a pot of creeps even though as I said there are success stories too.

 

I always had the feeling that dating websites didn't have much people in my age range (twenties) so I never tried them.

Success stories are fake. Before getting into any dating site. Try reading it's reviews. You will see something stinky about each one if them.

I tend to agree Heman.

The arrival of internet dating sites, apps and all the rest must have seemed like paradise had arrived for the creeps, losers, predators of the world, because that is where they tend to congregate in huge numbers.

Hidden behind a screen, probably a false photo, false name the OL world is their oyster.

Which website is that, may I ask?

 

I've only used apps and never websites. Free apps are a pot of creeps even though as I said there are success stories too.

 

I always had the feeling that dating websites didn't have much people in my age range (twenties) so I never tried them.

It's called Š.t.e.s.t.í. please delete the dots between the letters. I can read there some happy stories but I don't know if they are real. Unfortunately I don't have the gut to go with so many people and also my friends claimed that they had to sleep with many of them, I am not really like that. I simply hoped that If Iam honest enough I will attract the same back.....

Success stories are fake. Before getting into any dating site. Try reading it's reviews. You will see something stinky about each one if them.

I was talking about success stories I know off among my friends. Like a girlfriend of mine that found her future husband (they'll be marrying next month) in Tinder and it was like the second guy she ever met through online dating. I also know about other cases of people who ended up in LTRs through online dating. However I never had that luck and I also know many people who didn't have either.

Maybe you and i both are unlucky. Lol. Dont worry i will pray to god for you

I simply hoped that If Iam honest enough I will attract the same back..

Don't bank on it, Kitty!

Hi hemantmohan,

Thank you for your answer, I am very surprised to learn about their aggression too, it was NOT like that when I was teen, sure I met some players but they weren't aggressive back like this, they simply moved on.

I will write you, you can definitely share with me.

I am not aggressive. I apologise if you felt so. I am tired. Not giving up coz that is not an option and i have faith in god... i must thank everyone here for their true opinions and thoughts.

I am not aggressive. I apologise if you felt so. I am tired. Not giving up coz that is not an option and i have faith in god... i must thank everyone here for their true opinions and thoughts.

not your aggression, I mean the people from the dating site I met....definitely not yours

And btw, this is NOT a dating site.