Feeling unloveable

Hi all,

I'm really struggling today. After a recent break up and being the dumpee on all my past serious relationships my self esteem has taken a kick in the face!

I feel like I'm not loveable. When I get to the stage of a relationship where I feel confident that things are going well, I get dumped. The most recent one simply said that he was unable to say he loved me after 8 months and didn't see a future just before being deployed with the army. The ex before said he loved me 'as a friend' but his actions were very different and he left me for another girl which 2 years later he is still with and they have a 9 month old child.

What do I do wrong? My most recent ex often said I didn't open up about my emotions, so I tried hard to be more open with him. I thought I was getting better and we were getting closer but was still very much protecting myself knowing he was deployed soon. He then dumped me. Since then I have thought a lot about the relationship and agreed I wasnt opening up to connect me with him, but I'm so scared to do this. Especially to then be told I'm not loved. It wasn't a bad relationship, we rarely argued and got on great when together and also coped with some time as a LDR too.

My confidence isn't great, but I'm not a complete mess. I have a good job, which I have to be confident in. I am really passionate about my hobbies and sport. I know I'm 'likeable' and funny. And although I don't agree I do get told I'm pretty. I've recently joined a dating app and got lots of matches so know I'm not a complete turn off. But it all means nothing. I know I'm not a terrible person, but I don't feel enough. I feel likeable but don't feel loveable.

Before meeting my recent ex I was really happy single. I'd picked myself up from an awful breakup, and loved my life but just felt like my life was missing a life partner so agree to take things further. I took things slow within the relationship and tried to keep my own identity as much as poss. He didn't like this and wanted us to be closer. So I let my guard down. Now I'm back at square one!

I just want to be happy. Has anyone else got past this feeling? I want to be able to like myself. Im so bad at the moment im struggling to look at people as im talking. Ive completely most my mojo. I'm too scared to date again now as I can't handle rejection any more. I'm 28 and I dream of having a family. I've got to push past this to live my dream.

Thanks for reading.

The way you perceive yourself is how others will perceive you.. take a break from dating and try to love yourself a bit more

It's a catch-22. This clock ticking thing is palpable and turning people off.

It's fine to have your goals but you have to reverse your thinking to being selective instead of 'i need a man' 'i need some sperm' 'i need a baby'.

Relax and date make it about getting to know them not husband/father checklists and milestones and a race to the finish.

I'm 28 and I dream of having a family. I've got to push past this to live my dream.

I've never mentioned that to them, it's just something I would eventually like in years to come. I'm not one of these must get married and have kids type of girlfriend. I'm more of a career person. I just have in the back of my mind that I want that. Not just lots of meaningless relationships.

I simply ment this comment as in I feel safer being single but I wouldn't be able to have a family if I did that.

I'm sure there a lot of people out there that can relate to you. I know I can nothing super wrong. Just life put you in certain circumstances. I too have a problem trying again but eventually you have too. It's the only way things will change. Good luck

I thought I was getting better and we were getting closer but was still very much protecting myself knowing he was deployed soon. He then dumped me.

I'd consider exactly what you were 'protecting'. In other words, if you clamp shut out of self-protection, you don't expose yourself to the possibility of being loved because a lover can't connect with you and discover the simpatico of love. So he didn't fall in love, and he bailed without never connecting with the true 'you'.

That's not dumping 'you,' it's dumping the anxiety you used to protect yourself that he couldn't connect with.

Since then I have thought a lot about the relationship and agreed I wasnt opening up to connect me with him, but I'm so scared to do this. Especially to then be told I'm not loved.

Given that most people are not our match, we'll more often not be loved than loved. However, the only way to love and be loved is to connect. If you're too scared to do that, then you're ensuring that you can't be loved, because you can't be known.

Love is vulnerable. That doesn't mean stupid or without practical cautions such as an unwillingness to play doormat or sign your personal assets over to another.

If you're too frightened to go vulnerable and connect, there might still be lovable aspects of you, but they're covered up by the anxiety that keeps you closed. So cutting off love before it can even come to you ensures that you won't feel very loved, and neither will the guy.

Fear is not inspiring. We all get to decide whether we'll develop the resilience to love past it and potentially get our heart broken. When we survive heartbreak, we learn whether we can roll with that or whether we'll play small going forward. If we play small, our chances of finding love are even smaller.

This is why all those Oprah book club authors are such big sellers--they examine love on full throttle, and they inspire people to open up regardless of the consequences. The alternative is to squelch love and then wonder why we feel unlovable.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Cat feeder your replies are always great, this one gave me a lump in my throat. You hit the nail on the head exactly! Thank you. X

I'd consider exactly what you were 'protecting'. In other words, if you clamp shut out of self-protection, you don't expose yourself to the possibility of being loved because a lover can't connect with you and discover the simpatico of love. So he didn't fall in love, and he bailed without never connecting with the true 'you'.

 

That's not dumping 'you,' it's dumping the anxiety you used to protect yourself that he couldn't connect with.

 

I'm going to keep reading this bit. This has helped a lot

Are you me? (except you're a bit older than me) lol

Could it be possible that your fears of abandonment and feeling unlovable are making you choose emotionally unavailable men because even though it hurts you don't get to risk into getting more deep into the relationship? Do you feel that this insecurity of yours makes you act needy or at least have a needy vibe in the relationship? Did you feel insecure and unlovable when you were younger?

Possibly I am choosing the wrong men. But the men that leave me seem to go into happy relationships. As the most recent really was a good guy.

I've thought a lot recently. As my most recent ex really tried to get be to open up and connect with him, but i wouldn't Or maybe more couldn't. I did try. But looking back I didn't try hard enough. I had my guard up way too high.

I think It's because I would rather be told im not loved by someone who I had held myself back from than to risk showing someone my true self and them still not love me, or prefer someone else.

I've booked a therapy session next week. I want to get to the bottom of my insecurities. This has really made me dig deep and I know I've got a lot of sadness deep down that I've never let go of.

Im hoping that diving in head first ti my issues may sort my lack of self love. I was thinking back to when my ex used to tell me I was pretty, it used to annoy me. Which is ridiculous! But I find it really hard to believe.

No wonder the relationship failed. Poor guy did try. And now I've thrown it away!

Hey Kudos

It sounds like you're doing all the things you think you 'should' be doing, which is a bit of a give away that you're not being your authentic true self, and these guys are picking up on that.

To love and be intimate with someone means that they understand you, they can see you (all of you), they can touch the true essence of your heart - terrifying if you've had to spend most of your life in hiding, and it's exhausting hiding yourself isn't it?

If you struggle to keep a hold of your identity in a relationship it means that you probably lack confidence in your self identity (and some of it may well be unexplored), your boundaries (in terms of who you are, what you like and don't like, what you want and don't want) and in this way a common coping mechanism is to hide in the identity of the other person - the rub being that they never really get to know you, and it can be really lonely in a relationship like this.

I sometimes think that being authentic is one of the toughest challenges we all face today because it means that we need to love ourselves for our shadows and our light, and that does mean some emotional journeying. You sound like a brave lady though, open minded and willing to look and that is the best place to start.

It's totally true that to love others we must first have to love ourselves, because then what we offer comes from a place of love and light and not as a way to dodge our shadows.

You sound like you're on a good path to me

Possibly I am choosing the wrong men. But the men that leave me seem to go into happy relationships. As the most recent really was a good guy.

I've thought a lot recently. As my most recent ex really tried to get be to open up and connect with him, but i wouldn't Or maybe more couldn't. I did try. But looking back I didn't try hard enough. I had my guard up way too high.

 

I think It's because I would rather be told im not loved by someone who I had held myself back from than to risk showing someone my true self and them still not love me, or prefer someone else.

 

I've booked a therapy session next week. I want to get to the bottom of my insecurities. This has really made me dig deep and I know I've got a lot of sadness deep down that I've never let go of.

 

Im hoping that diving in head first ti my issues may sort my lack of self love. I was thinking back to when my ex used to tell me I was pretty, it used to annoy me. Which is ridiculous! But I find it really hard to believe.

 

No wonder the relationship failed. Poor guy did try. And now I've thrown it away!

Ps.. I would caveat everything I've just said to say that despite the fact that you have some issues to deal with, if your gut tells you that it's not safe to open up to someone definitely trust it. It either means that they're not trustworthy or that you're not ready - you'll know the difference.

The sadness that you're talking about is interesting because it's something that I recognise and this might resonate with you - it's super common especially in this society to repress our emotions and to mould ourselves in terms of how we're expected to present ourselves to other people and situations to keep ourselves safe.

The things that we reveal about who we are, and how we behave, is often a result of how safe we feel with ourselves and in our environment, and whether we've been brought up to know that expressing both positive and negative emotions, is a good thing or a bad thing. If we feel unsafe or we're taught that expressing our emotions is bad, we stuff them and suppress them and there becomes a part of ourselves that feels invisible, unseen, insignificant and desperately lonely and sad.

The problem with this is that the more we emotionally abandon ourselves by stuffing our emotions, the more unsafe we feel within ourselves, the more we distrust ourselves and the more sad, lonely and anxious we become. The challenge is to shed light on how we truly feel, learn what caused it, heal the emotion and practice the art of loving and approving of yourself no matter what mood you're in or how you're feeling or whether you're having a good or a bad day.

In a way, you've picked men who have been perfectly right for you - you've picked men who have reflected back to you your own isolation which is exactly what your heart is crying out for. Funny old world isn't it?