I don't know what to do but I really need help!

My boyfriend and I met online through a dating/social media app. We've been together for almost 4 years. I'm at the point in our relationship where I'm kicking myself for letting it get this far but I don't know where to go from here.

He has been flirting with girls on and off throughout our entire relationship. To the point where they send pics and talk about what they want to do to each other. He uses apps like MeetMe and Tagged, and even Craigslist personal ads. We broke up 2 years ago for about a month and he seemed to have gotten himself together, but I recently found out it's continuing.

To make matters worse, we have a 10 month old daughter together. We recently moved from MD to WI to stay with my family and get ourselves together so we can provide a better life for her. Things were going amazing with us and we were closer than ever.

But he has a habit of flirting with other girls. He didn't meet up with them in the past, he had no way to do it discreetly (no job, car, etc). Now he's working and I'm home with the baby all day and I think he's either meeting girls or planning on meeting them. He works half hour away but leaves almost an hour and a half early so he can "mentally prepare himself" for work. Looking through the phone bill he's texting random numbers in the area and he knows no one but my family.

I hate to be this person, but I have snooped through his phone 😔. He tries to delete evidence but forgets about browser history and phone records. He's on Craigslist personals, asking girls to send pics or meet on these apps, but swears he's only on the apps to pass time or get clients to tattoo (which he hasn't done in over a year).

He tells friends and family how happy he is and how much he loves our little family. And not mutual friends, his friends, that he'd have no reason to lie to. So why is he doing this? And what do I do? Leave my daughter's father with no place to go? Do I address the issue? How do I even do that? Please help!

And what do I do? Leave my daughter's father with no place to go?

You said you moved to WI to stay with my family. How do you not have a place to go? Can you break up and he moves out?

Well, if you had independence, financial stability, a house of your own, would you still deal with this?

Are you possibly holding on for fear of poverty and uncertainty where as your partner, even though doing terrible things, offers you some form of stability and comfort.

I'd say everything he's doing is break-up worthy, and to get out, and meet someone else, but obviously it's more complicated than that.

He may do it because he knows your situation and the fact you can't leave ?

I'd say first things first is get your independence in check then start making slow, smart decisions that can rid you of this guy and move on with your life.

Hello and welcome to the forum.

I'm not saying this in judgment of you, in case it sounds brusque - but purely in response to your question.

Why would he do this? Because he's gotten / getting away with it. This isn't flirting, mate.

What do you want to do, at this point?

I would seriously consider splitting up. You don't want your daughter to think thus is how men should treat women.

You said you moved to WI to stay with my family. How do you not have a place to go? Can you break up and he moves out?

I meant he would have no place to go. I do care what happens to him.

Well, if you had independence, financial stability, a house of your own, would you still deal with this?

 

Are you possibly holding on for fear of poverty and uncertainty where as your partner, even though doing terrible things, offers you some form of stability

I've never asked myself that question. I guess if I had a place of my own to raise my daughter I probably wouldn't put up with it.

I want so badly for us to be a family because I was raised with both parents in the house.

I guess I'm just being stupid and optimistic. I just wish there was a way this could work😔

I meant he would have no place to go. I do care what happens to him.

It's good that you care. Perhaps check out some apartments (he works now) for rent in the area, or offer to help him find a new place to live.

He's pretty resourceful in using apps to find new women, I'm sure he'll survive finding a place to live

Excellent you are near family for support. Are you living with your parents?

Do you feel safe with his chronic sexual prowling? There are a ton of ways to "pass time" besides prowling CL for sexual hookups and sex chat.

4 years. we have a 10 month old daughter together. He uses apps like MeetMe and Tagged, and even Craigslist personal ads. We broke up 2 years ago for about a month and he seemed to have gotten himself together, but I recently found out it's continuing. He didn't meet up with them in the past, he had no way to do it discreetly no job, car, etc. Now he's working. He's on Craigslist personals, asking girls to send pics or meet on these apps, but swears he's only on the apps to pass time

I agree that it's gracious of you to consider these elements in such a tumultuous situation.

Of course you care about him - do you feel like your consideration is reciprocal, at this point? He's risking the stability and solidarity of your family for these exchanges with other women.

I wish you luck.

Why would he do this? Because he's gotten / getting away with it. This isn't flirting, mate.

 

What do you want to do, at this point?

I would like the behavior to stop if possible but I don't know how to address it. In the past when I first caught him flirting he was upset because I shouldn't have snooped. So I'm not sure if I should address the things I found out this way, or only what I saw on the phone bill.

I would seriously consider splitting up. You don't want your daughter to think thus is how men should treat women.

I have considered this and feel so guilty about not setting the right example for her.

My boyfriend and I met online through a dating/social media app. We've been together for almost 4 years. I'm at the point in our relationship where I'm kicking myself for letting it get this far but I don't know where to go from here.

 

He has been flirting with girls on and off throughout our entire relationship. To the point where they send pics and talk about what they want to do to each other. He uses apps like MeetMe and Tagged, and even Craigslist personal ads. We broke up 2 years ago for about a month and he seemed to have gotten himself together, but I recently found out it's continuing.

 

To make matters worse, we have a 10 month old daughter together. We recently moved from MD to WI to stay with my family and get ourselves together so we can provide a better life for her. Things were going amazing with us and we were closer than ever.

 

But he has a habit of flirting with other girls. He didn't meet up with them in the past, he had no way to do it discreetly (no job, car, etc). Now he's working and I'm home with the baby all day and I think he's either meeting girls or planning on meeting them. He works half hour away but leaves almost an hour and a half early so he can "mentally prepare himself" for work. Looking through the phone bill he's texting random numbers in the area and he knows no one but my family.

 

I hate to be this person, but I have snooped through his phone 😔. He tries to delete evidence but forgets about browser history and phone records. He's on Craigslist personals, asking girls to send pics or meet on these apps, but swears he's only on the apps to pass time or get clients to tattoo (which he hasn't done in over a year).

 

He tells friends and family how happy he is and how much he loves our little family. And not mutual friends, his friends, that he'd have no reason to lie to. So why is he doing this? And what do I do? Leave my daughter's father with no place to go? Do I address the issue? How do I even do that? Please help!

Do you believe this?

Ah, quite typical for the cheater to derail it into "you snooped". Just address the cheating and make sure you get tested for stds.

I would like the behavior to stop if possible but I don't know how to address it. In the past when I first caught him flirting he was upset because I shouldn't have snooped. So I'm not sure if I should address the things I found out this way, or only what I saw on the phone bill.

I agree that it's gracious of you to consider these elements in such a tumultuous situation.

 

Of course you care about him - do you feel like your consideration is reciprocal, at this point? He's risking the stability and solidarity of your family for these exchanges with other women.

 

I wish you luck.

Thank you for all your advice. I don't think he's considering me. Not because he doesn't care, but he's just very selfish. I know he's not just passing time on these apps, he's flirting with multiple women.

Thank you for all your advice. I don't think he's considering me. Not because he doesn't care, but he's just very selfish. I know he's not just passing time on these apps, he's flirting with multiple women.

I'm sorry. You're trying to do the right thing for all of you and I find that very commendable. Good on you.

I didn't mean to suggest - nor do I think - that he doesn't care about you. I agree with your assessment of his selfishness.

Do you want to stay together or do you know yet what you want to do - outside of trying to figure out the logistics, of course.

I'm sorry. You're trying to do the right thing for all of you and I find that very commendable. Good on you.

 

I didn't mean to suggest - nor do I think - that he doesn't care about you. I agree with your assessment of his selfishness.

 

Do you want to stay together or do you know yet what you want to do - outside of trying to figure out the logistics, of course.

I want to stay together if the behavior can stop. I don't want to keep being disrespected though.

Ah, quite typical for the cheater to derail it into "you snooped". Just address the cheating and make sure you get tested for stds.

What do I say or do if he tries to derail it again?

Ah, quite typical for the cheater to derail it into "you snooped". Just address the cheating and make sure you get tested for stds.

I agree with Wiseman, have you been recently tested for STIs?

If for no other reason than your own peace of mind.

/

I agree with Wiseman, have you been recently tested for STIs?

 

If for no other reason than your own peace of mind.

I haven't been tested since I was pregnant so it's been a little over a year

I guess I should have taken it as a sign that he's never been in a relationship this long before. The closest was a little over a year.

What do I say or do if he tries to derail it again?

Try to find a goal for the conversation. It does not mean that you don't address other issues at other times, but if you affix the goal in your own mind as a query to be answered -

Are you looking for more information, for example, is this a chance for you to establish your opinions, maybe outline a strict expectation a/o boundary, etc

- and keep this goal in mind, it may be easier for you to ensure that he does not manipulate or bully the talk away from a productive exchange.

Just inventing to illustrate - not suggesting *this*:

I'd like to discuss your online activities. It is not acceptable to me that you are soliciting romantic/sexual/intimate conversations with women. I need you to understand that I consider this a violation of our relationship and if you continue, you will not be able to sustain a romantic relationship with me, for a mere start. Please let me know your thoughts and intentions.

I mean, the above is too stiff and odd for practical application, of course, but what I'm going for is a straightforward, linear clarity that he can't wrest away from you.

"Let's stay on topic. I need to know if I need std testing from your extracurricular activities. Also, your chronic sexual prowling continues. So I am moving in with my parents who know about this and support my position."

What do I say or do if he tries to derail it again?

You have your parents, continue living with them.

You're right! You should have been done when you first found out about the cheating, years ago. he will not change, as this is who he is. Either you stay with a cheater, or you do better by you and your daughter, and kick the creep out of your parents house. He is not your responsibility, you are not his parent, so stop making that excuse.

Why aren't you working? You need to become more independent.