Need serious advice

So i have been married 12 years and have 2 adorable kids, My whole married has been challanging as i have always be 2nd to his family. He recently broke free of the family hold and got a new job i looked at his phone and he has been recieving texts of another woman he works with when i confronted him he went of at me accusing me of lots of nasty stuff. I have been distant since that occured then the other night he asked me if id mind if he jacked of to pawn i said i didnt mind as i didnt really want him touching me lol then i layed there pretending to be asleep he watched gay porn then i heard him say omg whats wrong with me i have to stop this i confronted him and he said he watches it all the time. I have stated i will support him but now he is saying he can fight this he loves me and wants to stay married i dont know what to do im sexually not attracted to him anymore but i do care and then there is the kids. I just want to be happy 😓

This post makes absolutely no sense. What I picked up in the end though, is that you are not attracted to him and that there are signs of him talking to another woman as well as being gay... (hence why this doesn't make sense?). I'm just gonna keep this simple; an unhappy, loveless marriage is no good for you nor your kids; you will not be setting a proper example for them by trying to maintain a marriage to someone you don't really love. If you don't "love" your husband anymore, maybe it's time to end things.

There is so many things that dont add up or make sense thats why im so confused myself

He might be trying to keep the OP thinking. Pretending to have an affair and be gay. Trying to bring the spice back to there marriage. By keeping her on her toes.

I'm with musicman, I was confused too. I'm not sure what you have most issue with as you jumped from one thing to another rather quickly. That being said, the bottom line is you aren't sexually attracted to him and he would rather jack of to gay porn so it seems you have come to the end of the road as regards your relationship. Whatever it is that is still holding you together is more of a friendship or kind of kinship than anything else.

According to some therapists, there is a connection between hypersexuality, sex addiction and unhealthy parental control from childhood onward, the symptoms of which your husband seems to be showing. These therapists also argue that the emotional incest the child is exposed to at a young age results in excessive masturbation and and sometimes homosexual or bisexual tendencies. I have no intention to pathologize non-heterosexual orientation, neither do I believe that watching gay porn hints at anything. People are turned on by these things sometimes but that means just that. However, yes, some experts who work with adult victims of childhood emotional incest and sex addicts elaborate about how these individuals find ways to release the unhealthy developmental tension - I briefly dated a "mama's boy" like this.

I think it's better to look at what you want from life. Being the second fiddle to someone's family of origin (not his "family", you are his family, others are extended family now) must have left its traces on you. And the moment you feel you have some relief from the family's hold, he has introduced another element in your relationship - this seems to be common, too, with all the commitment problems and passive aggression of these adult children. And now, there are also sexual incompatibilities like the last straw on a camel's back. It is completely understable I think that you don't feel attraction for him anymore.

Staying for the sake of children will not be for the sake of children really; they need a family model where their parents prioritize each other and have a functional unit - or they will learn how to cope with living with less love than they deserve. That's never a good thing to teach children, is it?

What is usually recommended for these adult children of controlling parents is marital therapy plus individual therapy; some break the cycle, some don't - but please know that sexual stuff is not resolved easily and your husband needs to see this as a problem, too - without being pressured by the family unity, existence of children etc. I mean, maybe it is heterosexuality that's the problem - as these children were not allowed to find themselves during formative years, it is not always possible to believe that their current form in life is what they really are or who they would like to be. Recovery is actually about this belated journey in life.

If I was in your situation, I would start my own therapy without any expectations from him at first as a first step of taking care of myself properly. This would help me find out what I want for myself without the stresses someone else brings into my life. It must be so tiring, dealing with all these one after another. I feel for you.

It seems like it's time to step in, start showing proper love to yourself and then start taking the steps that will take you to emotional safety and happiness - and he is responsible for his children and has to continue with fatherhood duties even if there is a divorce.

Stay strong!

Hello, Kitty, and welcome to the forum.

Do you wish to remain in this marriage? It does not seem to be a satisfying or fulfilling environment for you, your husband or your children.

You sound dedicated to your family and, in spite of the unpleasant confusion of current circumstances, you seem to be focusing on the rational and healthier solutions for all of you. I sincerely commend your efforts.

Perhaps you might feel this is the better time, then, to begin to make changes to a dysfunctional setting and see yourself and your family evolve into a different dynamic - separation and divorce is never seamless, but it may be the best option for you all, now, and with your attitude to understanding and civility, you might capitalize on the productive momentum of your approach to unburden each of you from the present quagmire of uncertainty and strife.

Whatever you choose, I wish you and your family the best.

Thankyou all for your thoughts. We have talked rationally tonight he has omitted lying to me, seeing this woman outside of work, and having obsessive sexually tendancies so all is out and he finally omitting to them we are going to try being friends and seek some councelling he claims he loves me. I dont believe their is any returning to what we had to many things have occured and im warn out.

He supports you and the kids? Do you work? Do you still have a sex life?

What's the issue, his parents, texting a coworker, watching porn/masturbating or watching gay porn?

Such a long list of complaints, are you just sticking around so you can be a stay at home mother?

im sexually not attracted to him anymore but i do care and then there is the kids.

Kudos to you Kitty kat for taking action. At least, it's all out now so you can approach this more directly with the help of a professional.

Take good care of yourself.