Taking credit and how to confront?

I wasn't sure if this was the right thread to post my question in as it's a mix of communication and trust. Regardless;

For a number of times - years really - me and my boyfriend have been together and have enjoyed writing in our spare time, however... It's come to a point that he'll ask me to write something up for him so he can post it on some forum he's a part of. Okay, I don't mind doing that. Until recently.

He's been taking a lot of credit for things which I myself had written for me, including a 50 page word project and lied about it to my face -- I found out he lied through a friend we both talk to but upon confronting he accused me of spying on his pc or Skype.

Fast forward to yesterday; I mentioned a book I had found which would help both our writing. Mine more so than his as I do a lot these days. When he asked for the name I thought nothing of it but then discovered he took credit for finding it when he sent it to a friend and lied about it when he told me he mentioned I found it. Unfortunately I discovered the lie through means he'd not be impressed with -- when he went to the loo I browsed the current conversation he was having with said friend and saw it as plain as day. I suppose my question is how to go from here? He obviously feels a need to take credit and lie about it but I get the feeling he'll be very defensive and turn it on me prying when I confront him.

Advice and suggestions would be appreciated, thanks

Sapipsmu93

Well, he did find the book - through you. You did not originally find anything, a publisher discovered the writer of the book.

Perhaps it's just about convenience? If I recommended a book to a friend, I would not go into a long story about how my girlfriend found it and now I am telling you.... for the sake of brevity, I might just say "I found a book". - short and sweet.

How does what he said hurt anyone? Perhaps you have trust or other issues or need strokes to feel good?

Its not a matter of who found it that's the issue, but more of the fact he lied about it. As well as credit being taken for other things which he lied about -- such as the word document I had mentioned, saying that he told them it was something /he/ himself had written. The same here, he said /he/ himself had found it, but told me straight to my face that he mentioned he was told about it by me. I wouldn't care so much if he'd told the truth, and that's the issue: The lying. I had doubts and outright asked; 'did you actually mention that you got it from me/a friend, or did you say it was your discovery'? To which he said it was the former and began to get defensive about it. The book isn't necessarily the pinnacle of this, its just one thing atop of another several in the past.

There's been lies in the past - from both myself and him - and we've made a promise to one another to tell the truth; for no lies to be spoken. Ultimately, that's not being held up. I don't need 'strokes' to feel good at all, but I would appreciate credit where its due. I put a lot of time and effort into it and I don't particularly enjoy a) that credit being stolen and b) being lied to about it -- which is the main issue, as mentioned. I can't deny I have trust issues, however.

How long have you been dating? Do you live together?

If you volunteer to give him something then he can use it as he wishes. Since this is nothing professional it isn't as if it's intellectual property.

If you don't want him "taking credit" for things you wrote, don't write them and freely give them to him to use at his discretion. How did he obtain this item you wrote for yourself and why is he posting it?

What do you mean by "takes credit for"? Not sure why he needs to officially cite every suggestion you make.

It's come to a point that he'll ask me to write something up for him so he can post it on some forum he's a part of. He's been taking a lot of credit for things which I myself had written for me, including a 50 page word project and lied about it to my face.I mentioned a book I had found which would help both our writing. then discovered he took credit for finding it He obviously feels a need to take credit and lie about it but I get the feeling he'll be very defensive and turn it on me prying when I confront him.

I had doubts and outright asked; 'did you actually mention that you got it from me/a friend, or did you say it was your discovery'? To which he said it was the former and began to get defensive about it. The book isn't necessarily the pinnacle of this, its just one thing atop of another several in the past.

- nice, sane people don't bait people into lying like that - of course he lied, he was trying to spare your feelings.

It sounds like gas lighting to me.

How long have you been dating? Do you live together?

 

If you volunteer to give him something then he can use it as he wishes. Since this is nothing professional it isn't as if it's intellectual property.

 

If you don't want him "taking credit" for things you wrote, don't write them and freely give them to him to use at his discretion. How did he obtain this item you wrote for yourself and why is he posting it?

 

What do you mean by "takes credit for"? Not sure why he needs to officially cite every suggestion you make.

We've been together 3 years and we do live together. As I'd mentioned, if he asks if I can write something for him, then I don't mind. Its when he takes credit for something he didn't ask for that I get a little annoyed about however, its the novella I had written and had not given permission that he'd also taken credit for. As for obtaining it, while I was writing, I used to send snippets for him to read through and ask advice regarding the content - spelling errors, if a certain thing didn't make sense, that kind of thing. A proof-read. However, he took it further and posted it under his own name. That is something I'm not okay with.

In my previous reply, I mentioned that it wasn't the book that was the issue, but the lying to my face. I don't expect citing every suggestion I make at all, but I am getting annoyed that it seems to be that he wants to make himself look good for others.

- nice, sane people don't bait people into lying like that - of course he lied, he was trying to spare your feelings.

 

It sounds like gas lighting to me.

If sparing my feelings was the issue, then being truthful right from the start would have been a better idea. Lies always get found out. I've said right from the start -- we both said in the start of the relationship for that matter -- that we didn't like lies and we preferred to hear the truth than have things sugar-coated. If it comes across as baiting, then it was unintentional; gas-lighting was not something I was intending to do, nor is it. As for the matter of being 'sane and nice'... That's an entirely different topic, but if I come across as the opposite... Again, not an intentional thing. I apologize if it comes across as such.

In my opinion, you shouldn't be writing things on his behalf. If he is a writer, then he should write. You obviously are and should take full credit for your work. I would have been weirded out at that kind of a request... 'Hey, I am feeling lazy and want to write a story and post it....can you write one for me so I can post that as my work?'

At the end of the day, it seems like he 'wants' to be a writer and is secretly jealous/envious that you are. Unless you have some clear and effective (him not getting defensive) talks, this relationship will likely become more and more rocky ending with a break up filled with drama and resentment. I suppose you could use that in your writing however...

Dont let him rug sweep it. Call it out and address it. Dont let him make it about you. You get an apology, the root of the issue (jealousy?) and steps/commitment to stop the BS.

Unfortunately since this is a personal relationship and these writings are hobbies that you willingly share, it doesn't fall under copyright, plagiarism or intellectually property.

All you can do is not share this hobby and use programs for spell/grammar checks, etc. Why not join a writing club or take a writing class at a local college?

What does he say when you show him the posts with his name on it?

We've been together 3 years and we do live together. I used to send snippets for him to proof-read. However, he took it further and posted it under his own name. he wants to make himself look good for others.

What did he say when you found out he was claiming your writing? I'm a writer and I would find it super upsetting if my partner was taking credit for my work.

@Hyden; He complains that his English isn't very good (which it is) and when I say otherwise he calls it patronising as he used to be 'better'. Ultimately he won't accept that only he can change that and isn't doing any favours by asking me to write stuff for him.

@Wiseman2; I realise it doesn't come under plagiarism or anything of the sort but it is still irritating all the same. We don't really 'share' this hobby any more as it's really just me doing the work that he posts. As for writing class or college, I've got little time to write in my spare time as it is, honestly, as I've got a full time job which can have me called in at any time.

@rosephase: About the things I know and gave permission, nothing. I've allowed that but with the things that I've not given permission, honestly, I've not brought it up in full. The document he took and posted for himself I mentioned that he likely took credit for it and he got very defensive and said that I'd been on his PC and all that. He even changed his password.

As for this recent thing, I've not brought it up, not knowing how to broach the subject as I feel he may get defensive and angered again. Likely turning it on me saying I was 'snooping' and that I'm in the wrong over all.

At the end of the day, it seems like he 'wants' to be a writer and is secretly jealous/envious that you are. Unless you have some clear and effective (him not getting defensive) talks

He used to write quite a lot for himself, but now the excuse is that he either 'doesn't have time' or 'too tired' or simply 'English isn't good', despite my reassurances that actually his English writing is very good and that if he wants to improve then he's not doing himself any favours by letting me write everything for him. Unfortunately, he see's it as patronizing.

All you can do is not share this hobby and use programs for spell/grammar checks, etc. Why not join a writing club or take a writing class at a local college?

 

What does he say when you show him the posts with his name on it?

Well, the way things are going, its not really so much as shared, but rather he gets an idea and asks me to write it. Still, with writing clubs or writing class at a local college, at the moment time is of a restraint for me in that area, due to having a full-time job which includes weekends. My days off are normally spent catching up on house-work ect, but anyway --

Regarding the posts he made; the one's I gave him permission, there's been nothing said. But about the ones he's not aware that I know of, well, I've not confronted him about it as the last time I did he became very defensive, accused me of going on his PC/Skype and decided that the best course of action was to change all of his passwords. He also continued to deny it, though admittedly, I didn't show him how I knew. I just said that I was aware he'd done it, as he's done it in the past and its a long-term habit. As for this most recent thing, again, I've not told him I'm aware as truthfully, I'm not sure how to broach the subject and avoid him getting all defensive again.

What did he say when you found out he was claiming your writing? I'm a writer and I would find it super upsetting if my partner was taking credit for my work.

As said above, he got very defensive and decided that I was 'snooping' and in the wrong. It is very upsetting and while I don't mind writing things that he asks for, its a different ballpark when he claims things that I hadn't given permission for. I, personally, find it quite rude and ungrateful. I might just approach him this weekend, when he's not been working, about it and ask if he really feels so insecure that he has to do this.

Does he see that as a collaboration?

he gets an idea and asks me to write it.

He sounds competitive and wants high accolades and praise for things he hasn't even written.

Just stop writing anything more for him, and I'd probably just stop writing around him from now on, and do it on my own time.

It sounds like he does think is as a collaboration I guess.

As for writing, agreed. Truthfully I'm doubting his ability to empathise; only today did I wake up from a pretty horrific dream about my mother (I lost her 2 years ago and still struggle) and instead of a good form of comfort I was told to go on the PC with just a pat on the leg and that thinking about it won't help, when what I needed was a hug.

Then he decided he wanted to get frisky, turning me around, getting my hopes up when his arm wrapped over me only to be disappointed.

A talks needed, I think.