Ex has GIGS or is in a rebound - how to cope?

Hi all,

Long story short: I have been in a lovely and passionate LDR with my ex boyfriend of 1,5yr. We were in so many ways each other's first and as cheesy it may sound we claimed it was our first true love. Of course we had our up and down's but months before the breakup, I felt we were disconnecting emotionally -he was always busy and didnt make an effort for skype dates. I felt for granted but as I felt we argued already too much, I rather kept it to myself.

Nevertheless, all was okay until he went on a wedding and vanished again for 5 days without telling me anything. Even a day afterwards, no messages or updates, I admit I had some personal issues as well and felt lonely which led to me outburst. I messaged him being all sarcastic and passive agressive which I am very ashamed of. Sure, I have used some words, I never used before but it all came out that after all these months of telling him and begging him to change something about the circumstances, to truly make a effort. He did but it was not enough. But I guess its out of sight, out of mind.

After this incident, he broke up with me telling me even that he cannot imagine 'living with me under a roof' and marriage is out of sight as well. I understood. However, in the conversation 1 week after the split, where I pathetically asked him to reconsider, he told me about a girl he is currently hanging out with a lot and there might be something going on later. He does not want me to wait and be a backup and that I should move on.

Right now, I am trying a complete NC. I am feeling 'better' but I do still miss him and I would consider taking him back if he wants to try. Even as a friend but it would take so much effort and I dont know if it is worth it -I dont get it how you can tell your ex after a week who is clearly upset and cried that there might be someone else? I felt like there is no emphathy at all and he changed, that we had was forgotten and I am worthless, replaceable, disposable.

Indeed, he has lost my respect and trust - as a possible friend (he wants it) or remotely lover again. Not because of anger or sadness but out of decency because I never would have done it to him but try to help him to cope if I were the dumper. But it is a pity after everything we have been through.

I know time will heal wounds and I might let all go but I can hardly forget when someone is treating me this low.

Does anyone has the same experience?

Any advice on how to move on with him but trying to overcome those feelings of his changed image I have and also his possible rebound/GIGS issue? I appreciate all, thanks!

Sorry to hear this. Have you ever met in person? How often do you see each other? Yes, it's natural to want to date locally and be with someone in person who you can spend time with physically.

Unfortunately it sounds like you were more invested than he was particularly talking about and wanting marriage and begging he him to make more effort. It sounds like you dodged a bullet, since you weren't on the same page, were frustrated and argued too much.

Remain no contact delete and block him from everything. Enjoy your new freedom in general and also to start dating local more compatible men when you're ready.

LDR with my ex boyfriend of 1,5yr. -he was always busy and didnt make an effort for skype dates. we argued already too much. vanished again for 5 days without telling me anything. months of telling him and begging him to change something about the circumstances, to truly make a effort. He did but it was not enough. he broke up with me telling me even that he cannot imagine 'living with me under a roof' and marriage is out of sight as well.

Sorry to hear this. Have you ever met in person? How often do you see each other? Yes, it's natural to want to date locally and be with someone in person who you can spend time with physically.

 

Unfortunately it sounds like you were more invested than he was particularly talking about and wanting marriage and begging he him to make more effort. It sounds like you dodged a bullet, since you weren't on the same page, were frustrated and argued too much.

 

Remain no contact delete and block him from everything. Enjoy your new freedom in general and also to start dating local more compatible men when you're ready.

Thanks for you message.

Yes, we have met a few times. It always has been a loving relationship and I couldnt ask for more even as a LDR.

But yes, its NC time and I am trying to move on as well as I can. But during the times where I broke the NC he was so sensitive, cold and distant. Like he did not care about me at all or my suffering. I mean even as a dumper - dont you have any emphathy at all?

Guess there is no need to if you already have someone new.

Something similar happened to me years ago with my LDR, except that the other person was my best friend. I can't say this will work for you, but I immediately found somebody local to share my time and affection with. It helped. Remember he doesn't owe you anything. Love is inherently a dirty game, but also very rewarding. he may have thought if he tells you there's somebody else, you'll move on faster and realize its truly over. That's the only reason I can imagine somebody would discuss a new relationship to a grieving ex. That or possibly he's cruel, in which case you should be happy he's out of your life.

he may have thought if he tells you there's somebody else, you'll move on faster and realize its truly over. That's the only reason I can imagine somebody would discuss a new relationship to a grieving ex. That or possibly he's cruel, in which case you should be happy he's out of your life.

Thanks for your words.

That option actually never came to my mind - I just felt like he wanted to "get rid of me" as he told me to just move on and he does not know how things with this girl will end up. Whether he did it intentioanlly for my own good or not, it still hurts thinking about it and I do not know how to forget that.

I know everyone is coping differently with a breakup but I still do not get it to move on 1 week to the next person (guess we never really know the intentions of someone going straight into a rebound).

I know that we say 'all is fair in love and war', but that statement does not by itself make it true (of either). I happen to believe there is good reason for thinking fairness does and should exist in both. At least some basic level of kindness. Both are human endeavors, after all, and there's no reason we can't try to exhibit basic decency and kindness in our treatment of others, no matter the situation.

Well, I say 'no' reason, but of course there are psychological explanations, or else we wouldn't treat each other like crap! Love is hard. It's hard, for example, to be empathetic to someone you're angry with. It's hard to dump someone in a kind manner if you never felt the same or lost all feeling (though I think something is usually going on there if someone has gone 100 to 0 in five seconds). It's really hard to be understanding an empathetic when a loved one is being cruel to you or is dumping you. I get all that. It's also just plain easy for us to be focused on our own needs in the moment, and romance is an arena where there is a lot of fear and desperation for all of us – which for many people, means retreating defensively, trying to soak up the win from the pavement and pushing over children to do it when you're starving (metaphorically speaking... Tale of Two Cities, anyone? Sorry! )

Often, I'm guessing, the ones that become cold, uncaring, callous, etc., or seem to (and we have have to remember that we ourselves are not 'neutral observers' – we are in pain because of that withdrawal of love) are indeed either doing it consciously or doing so as an unconscious defense mechanism (the latter primarily).

I'm going through this right now, and I can tell you, it's been a series of convulsions seeing someone who can be so kind, with such a big heart, remain incredibly angry and perhaps get more and more callous with me, even as I tried to be kind and empathetic.

I'm not my usual self because of it. But because I'm older (41) and just don't wanna do the same old anger/ resentment crap any more, I have been working on remaining empathetic even in the face of unkindness. To her friends, of course, she's probably just doing what she needs to do... she may be telling them my behaviors in a different light ('he's being needy! clingy! I liked him and he didn't like me, and now he's making it seem like I'm the bad guy!', the kind of stuff I see very differently). It IS true that there is not one perspective or 'truth' – in that sense, and that one only, 'all's fair' is true.

But maybe I'm the minority here. I just don't see it as necessary or justified to poop on someone you're dumping. Or for that matter being dumped by. Empathy still has a place. It doesn't mean you don't dump them if that's what you need – sure, love is tough that way. Love is SO tough. We will always lose the one we love, either by breakup or death. That is life. Must we then be content to march through it with hard hearts and so on?

If your guy thought he was 'making it easier', well, maybe it's good to know. I don't think it's a good approach, though. Honesty, with lots of kindness buffering the blow, seems to me a good recipe! Honestly, even no-contact (which I'm entering) would be easier to bear for me if I had received some kindness, some expression of true feeling.

Here's where I add the disclaimer that I've ed up many times. However, I can honestly say I've broken up with numerous people while trying to maintain my empathy. Maybe I still did it badly (haltingly) at times, and I have tried to work on that. Maybe those exes don't give a – I don't feel in a position to give them a survey 5 or 20 years later, you know? But count me as one not convinced that hard hearts should rule the world.

All that said, you can't make the other person do anything, so yes, you have to do your best to move on and heal under your own terms. I will try to do so – but I will also try really hard to remember how much it can hurt to be treated this way and use it to be empathetic to others whom I affect.

 

All that said, you can't make the other person do anything, so yes, you have to do your best to move on and heal under your own terms. I will try to do so – but I will also try really hard to remember how much it can hurt to be treated this way and use it to be empathetic to others whom I affect.

Thank you for sharing empath! It really has a huge impact on me.

Yes, it is true that we cannot make someone do anything and we may never understand the behavior of the person who has let you go but what I am trying to do (with the NC) is to move on and try to forgive. Even though the path may be rocky as I feel I will do so at some point - I am just struggeling with the "forget" part because I would hope that he and I can become comfortable again without any hard feelings or awkwardness. Currently, I am trying to figure out whether or not I can even be a friend to him after everything he has done to me.

But whatever the decision, I will definitely keep the emphathy towards my surrounding and definitely towards my next relationship. Everyone deserves to be treated this way.

Thank you, layla. I should probably be clear, though, that your first responsibility is to your healing! I definitely wouldn't put yourself through the ringer trying to be a friend to him, etc., if it makes things worse. Your first goal should be getting through and healing, however you can do that, whatever works (well,not whatever, but within reason!) Over time, it may be easier to reflect and to think about being empathetic.