Possible GIGS leading to potential divorce

Hello everyone, I have seen a lot of threads about gigs, and have become interested in sharing my story to see what about advice can be given even though I think I already know the answer. So my wife, and I met in 2010 when she was working at a resort I was staying at in Wisconsin. She was 18, and I was 21. We talked for quite a while, and it turned into a long distance relationship for about a year a half. We would drive to see each on the weekends/holidays during that time, since we only lived 2.5 hours apart. Everything was great, and after aboutique a year and a half she decided to move down to Illinois with me. We lived together for the next few years, being engaged for a year and a half. We decided to get married in September of 2015. Our relationship was always great, both physically, and emotionally. A new guy started at her work in April of this year, and nd then in June out of nowhere she says to me that she doesn't know if she wants to be with me anymore. She insisted it had nothing to do with this other guy, yet I suspect otherwise because she started going out with work friends frequently. I at first thought that if I fought hard enough that I'd get everything back, but it seemed to push her further. In August I decided to move out of our place. I cut contact with her almost completely, and started seeing a therapist to learn a little about myself, mainly because I felt that I was the reason this was happening. After 4 months of not seeing her, barely talking to her, and a happy thanksgiving text that I did not reply to, we decided to meet up to talk. She was crying, and told me she misses me, and isn't happier without me, but also said she still doesn't know what she's doing, and feels she may need medication. She's the love of my life, and I'm so confused by this as is was completely of out left field. I appreciate any comments that are made on here. Thanks in advance to everyone!

Are you legally separated? Have either of you considered, talked about or filed for divorce? Why did you leave her rather than try to work on things?

Are you looking to work things out or just "stay no contact" but neither get counselling nor get divorced? What does she mean "she may need medication"? Is she bipolar or using drugs?

she says to me that she doesn't know if she wants to be with me anymore. she started going out with work friends frequently.In August I decided to move out of our place. She was crying, and told me she misses me, and isn't happier without me, but also said she still doesn't know what she's doing, and feels she may need medication

Welcome to ENA

Sorry to hear what happened to what seemed like a happy marriage.

The only way to even begin to rebuild your relationship is with complete honesty from both of you. She needs to admit her real motives for telling you she didn't know if she wanted to be with you any longer and you need to be brutally honest with yourself about what you fear if you decide to try again.

If the air can be cleared with brutal honesty and if you both see a therapist/counselor together the path ahead will become clearer.

Like you I would be concerned she will just pull the same thing again in a year when some new guy attracts her attention...

Lost

We are not legally seperated. I started the divorce process, but quickly backed out because I feared I may be jumping the gun as its not what I want in the first place. I tried to work things out for almost 3 months, and felt I was the only one trying. There were nights where she wouldn't even come home, and I couldn't take it anymore. It was making me more depressed to be there, so I decided to give her space to figure out what she wanted. Even with the no contact, she has always known where I stand with everything. If she decided that she wants to get back together before I decide I've waited long enough then I will ask her to please join me in counseling, as I've already started going back in September. The medication question is not an easy question to answer. She has struggled with bulimia since before we got together, so I know she has her own issues within that she needs to seek help for. She just says that she doesn't understand why she doesn't know, and thinks that she may not be thinking things over properly making her question if she needs medication. Thanks for the response.

Welcome to ENA

 

Sorry to hear what happened to what seemed like a happy marriage.

 

The only way to even begin to rebuild your relationship is with complete honesty from both of you. She needs to admit her real motives for telling you she didn't know if she wanted to be with you any longer and you need to be brutally honest with yourself about what you fear if you decide to try again.

 

If the air can be cleared with brutal honesty and if you both see a therapist/counselor together the path ahead will become clearer.

 

Like you I would be concerned she will just pull the same thing again in a year when some new guy attracts her attention...

 

Lost

Thank you for the reply. She struggles a LOT with stressful things, and is very bad with anxiety. As stated in my other reply, I believe she has a lot to work out within herself, and would greatly benefit from seeing a therapist. I do get concerned about the possibility of the same thing repeating itself though.

Wow. Does she admit to an affair? Yes she need to get mentally healthy and get herself together perhaps during this separation and some talks about trying to heal things between the two of you.

There were nights where she wouldn't even come home, and I couldn't take it anymore. The medication question is not an easy question to answer. She has struggled with bulimia since before we got together

Well.....you guys got together extremely young, especially in her case. She literally jumped into a committed relationship and marriage before experiencing life and having a chance to grow up and mature and figure herself out as a woman. So, when people do that, it's not uncommon to get lost in the idea that you've missed out, that there are too many things out there she doesn't know about, etc.

On top of that, she has personal issues and no doubt she needs to seek help with that.

Regardless, her going on medication is not going to solve your marital and relationships problems. There is no pill that will fix a marriage. So, if you are both willing and wanting to work on your marriage, then go to marital counseling and start working out what is going wrong or perhaps just get tools and coaching needed to make things work going forward. If that doesn't help, consider that you are both young enough to release each other without too much strife and baggage and that perhaps it's better to actually divorce and move on, grow from the experience and find better partners in the future.

Well.....you guys got together extremely young, especially in her case. She literally jumped into a committed relationship and marriage before experiencing life and having a chance to grow up and mature and figure herself out as a woman. So, when people do that, it's not uncommon to get lost in the idea that you've missed out, that there are too many things out there she doesn't know about, etc.

 

On top of that, she has personal issues and no doubt she needs to seek help with that.

 

Regardless, her going on medication is not going to solve your marital and relationships problems. There is no pill that will fix a marriage. So, if you are both willing and wanting to work on your marriage, then go to marital counseling and start working out what is going wrong or perhaps just get tools and coaching needed to make things work going forward. If that doesn't help, consider that you are both young enough to release each other without too much strife and baggage and that perhaps it's better to actually divorce and move on, grow from the experience and find better partners in the future.

I do understand that the age could very well play into the situation. I had a son from a previous relationship right out of high school, so I had to grow up quick, and I really don't feel like I've missed out on anything myself. Now that obviously doesn't speak for how she feels, because she's the only one in her head. I am very open to seeking marital counseling, but I'm not sure how to bring that up to her, because it's not a topic of discussion that we have talked about before. Thanks for the advice.

Wow. Does she admit to an affair? Yes she need to get mentally healthy and get herself together perhaps during this separation and some talks about trying to heal things between the two of you.

She has been adamant that there was no physical relationship. She admitted that there was an emotional, but the fact that there were nights that she wouldn't come home makes me think there was also a physical affair. No one knows except the two of them unfortunately.

I think she settled down far too young.

She has been with you since she was 18 ; how old is she now? As Dancing Fool says, it's not at all rare for relationships or marriages to crumble when one person has had little experience with life and other people. I very much believe that is a factor here. She is not mature enough to be married, yet. In my humble opinion.

You two definitely need to improve your communication. If you don't feel comfortable even bringing up the topic of counseling to your own wife, your marriage isn't going to survive this. There will be too many unspoken feelings and undiscovered truths that will erode what remains of your relationship. Those things will be a heck of a lot harder to talk about than discussing the possibility of counseling, so you both need to be more prepared to deal with some hard truths.

I would not believe her affair didn't go physical. Sorry, but what exactly what she doing until dawn when she didn't come home to her husband? I doubt it was just having deep conversations and watching cat videos on YouTube. And what has she been doing in the months since you moved out? My feeling is that there is a lot you don't know, and she might never come completely clean. But you need to stand your ground and dig deeper.

The others are right, medication won't fix your marriage. That is not the main problem here. It might indeed help her tremendously in feeling more at peace with herself, but it doesn't change the fact that she chose to engage in an emotional affair. Make sure she understands that seeking medical attention is a great step, but not the only one. She still needs to be ready to open up to you and confront whatever feelings she has that drove her away from the marriage to begin with.

I think she settled down far too young.

 

She has been with you since she was 18 ; how old is she now? As Dancing Fool says, it's not at all rare for relationships or marriages to crumble when one person has had little experience with life and other people. I very much believe that is a factor here. She is not mature enough to be married, yet. In my humble opinion.

 

You two definitely need to improve your communication. If you don't feel comfortable even bringing up the topic of counseling to your own wife, your marriage isn't going to survive this. There will be too many unspoken feelings and undiscovered truths that will erode what remains of your relationship. Those things will be a heck of a lot harder to talk about than discussing the possibility of counseling, so you both need to be more prepared to deal with some hard truths.

 

I would not believe her affair didn't go physical. Sorry, but what exactly what she doing until dawn when she didn't come home to her husband? I doubt it was just having deep conversations and watching cat videos on YouTube. And what has she been doing in the months since you moved out? My feeling is that there is a lot you don't know, and she might never come completely clean. But you need to stand your ground and dig deeper.

 

The others are right, medication won't fix your marriage. That is not the main problem here. It might indeed help her tremendously in feeling more at peace with herself, but it doesn't change the fact that she chose to engage in an emotional affair. Make sure she understands that seeking medical attention is a great step, but not the only one. She still needs to be ready to open up to you and confront whatever feelings she has that drove her away from the marriage to begin with.

I agree with everything you, and everyone else has said. It's just hard to come to terms with it all ending this way. She wanted us to get a house in April, and then June everything changes. I am the type to talk through issues. She has never been the kind of person that talks. She deals with things internally, which seems unhealthy to me.

Just an update for everyone. I spoke to her last night, and she once again made it clear that she is not happier without me, but things like her career, and where she wants to live are things that she is unsure of. To me, being her husband, I would support her decision on those. The living situation could definitely be discussed, but I do think more than ever that it is her age. The worst part is that she pushed for the marriage, when I was content on being engaged a while longer. I really think that pushed things a little too far, even after 5 years. I also afters ked if she would seek couples counseling, to which she replied that she would think about it. I know it's not a yes, but at least it wasn't a for sure no. Her answer to that will give me the answer newer to my next step I guess. Thanks for the support everyone. I love her more than anything, and I'd that means I have to let her go, then that's what I'll have to do no matter how much it hurts.