How to gain confidence?

I'm 18 and throughout my life I've never really had confidence. I've got two siblings and they've always pushed me aside in my family and one is very bossy. (I think my family life is a factor causing my loss of confidence).

This confidence loss therefore continued in my last relationship which led me to put up with him not being 100% invested as I was, and basically for him to have control of the relationship because whenever we'd argue etc I'd always be the one to apologise.

He then took me for granted a lot.

I really want to gain more confidence. I want to be the girl who can stand up for herself and is self-assured etc.

I look at others who are more confident than me and I'd love to be like them!

I'm naturally a quiet and introverted individual.

Does anyone have any advice? (No therapy or counselling isn't my thing, I'm looking for alternatives to that).

Thanks! X

It may take time, but if you can develop or focus on a talent that makes you feel confident while doing it, such as writing or playing music, that confidence can begin to bleed into other areas of your life. I had confidence issues as well a number of years ago, but I became quite good at playing piano and it opened up new ways of thinking for me. I felt powerful when I was performing, and I began to cultivate that same feeling in other areas of my life.

You don't have to be an extrovert to be confident in who you are. (Check out the book "Quiet" by Susan Cain.) If/when you have the option to move out and get a job or go to school, that will do wonders for your self-esteem as well.

I used the "fake it till you make it" technique. You'd be surprised by how the way you're standing, walking or sitting can change the way you act and speak

Agreed with fake it till you make it

Each day, stand in front of the mirror and say 3 good things about you. It can be the same 3 things early on, but switch it up over time.

Find hobbies so that you have something interesting to talk about (and be good at)

Buy cute underwear - for you. Feeling good will make you exude confidence.

And do something that scares you. Rock climbing, traveling alone, going alone to the gym, whatever. Conquering your fears (as long as you're safe!) will make you feel like a BA and it will help.

Excerpt:

Low self-esteem can predispose you to developing a mental disorder, and developing a mental disorder can in turn deliver a huge knock to your self-esteem. In some cases, low self-esteem is in itself a cardinal feature of mental disorder, for example, in depression or in borderline personality disorder. The relationship between low self-esteem and mental disorder is complex, and a person with a mental disorder is more likely than most to suffer from long-term low self-esteem.

People with long-term low self-esteem generally see the world as a hostile place and themselves as its victim. As a result, they feel reluctant to express and assert themselves, miss out on experiences and opportunities, and feel helpless about changing things. All this merely lowers their self-esteem even further, and they end up getting caught in a downward spiral.

Thankfully, there are a number of simple things that anyone can do to boost his or her self-esteem and, hopefully, break out of this vicious circle. You may already be doing some of these things, and you certainly don't need to do them all. Just do those that you feel most comfortable with.

1. Make three lists: one of your strengths, one of your achievements, and one of the things that you admire about yourself. Try to get a friend or relative to help you with these lists. Keep the lists in a safe place and read through them regularly.

2. Think positively about yourself. Remind yourself that, despite your problems, you are a unique, special, and valuable person, and that you deserve to feel good about yourself. Identify and challenge any negative thoughts that you may have about yourself, such as ‘I am a loser’, ‘I never do anything right’, or ‘No one really likes me’.

3. Pay special attention to your personal hygiene: for example, style your hair, trim your nails, floss your teeth.

4. Dress in clothes that make you feel good about yourself.

5. Eat good food as part of a healthy, balanced diet. Make meal times a special time, even if you are eating alone. Turn off the TV or radio, set the table, and arrange your food so that it looks attractive on your plate.

6. Exercise regularly: go out for a brisk walk every day, and take more vigorous exercise (exercise that makes you break into a sweat) three times a week.

7. Ensure that you are getting enough sleep.

Being introverted has nothing to do with confidence. Confidence comes from within from having goals and achieving them. This means doing your best at school, getting involved in other activities and finding things you enjoy. it also has nothing to do with your siblings, family etc.

Decide who you are, who you want to become, what you want to do and what you want to accomplish and begin pursuing those things. Without direction, you will just be blowing in the wind at the mercy of others defining you, looking for outside reassurances.

I'm 18. I want to be the girl who can stand up for herself and is self-assured etc.

Quite so.

"Being introverted has nothing to do with confidence."

I'm 18 and throughout my life I've never really had confidence. I've got two siblings and they've always pushed me aside in my family and one is very bossy. (I think my family life is a factor causing my loss of confidence).

 

This confidence loss therefore continued in my last relationship which led me to put up with him not being 100% invested as I was, and basically for him to have control of the relationship because whenever we'd argue etc I'd always be the one to apologise.

He then took me for granted a lot.

 

I really want to gain more confidence. I want to be the girl who can stand up for herself and is self-assured etc.

I look at others who are more confident than me and I'd love to be like them!

I'm naturally a quiet and introverted individual.

 

Does anyone have any advice? (No therapy or counselling isn't my thing, I'm looking for alternatives to that).

Thanks! X

I used to feel the same way growing up. And in highschool it's especially hard. But things that happened to work well for me was pretty much what others were saying before "fake it till you make it" . This doesn't mean your being fake or anything, but sometimes we all gotta act like we know what we are doing , to actually learn how to do something. Also what worked for me growing up was positive self talk. Finding attractive or positive qualities about myself. Me being 14 or 15 not having much confidence but starting highschool, I badly wanted to learn how to do my make up and actually make it look good like the older girls in highschool or like in the magazines. I would look in magazines or on YouTube and teach myself how to do it in the style that I wanted it. I tried to develop a sense of style as far as clothes. Just be me. I used to be like a deer in head lights over just about anything. But not hardly anymore . Some things I may still be self conscious about, but you will always have something like that. We're not all going to be or look perfect all the time. I'm not trying to sound materialistic or shallow, with the make up and all of that. I was just saying what worked for me when I was in highschool, I was more on the girly side and my confidence played a lot into me being happy with my body and how I portrayed myself. Sometimes it happens like that in the beginning. In highschool I would never go to school without makeup, or even leave my house without make up even. Just in case I ever ran into someone I knew from school or just someone I knew in general. I was self concious about my face and the whole acne thing. But it gets better over time, acne goes away one day, ( for the most part) you get more comfortable in your skin, now a days I can leave my house without make up and be ok with it. If your more on the tomboy side, that's ok too. Embrace that if that's your style and your personality, then go all out tomboy if you have more of a bullying problem like people say rude things and you just can't bring yourself to be brave enough to stick up to someone, I know that feeling too. And their words can hurt, but if you think about it, so could yours. I'm not saying being a bully , but if your minding your own business and someone starts something with you and it really hurts you, put them in their place , give them a taste of their own medicine. In grade school once there was a girl that would just ask all kinds of questions to me and the rest of her peers. A lot of the time I would just play dumb and say "I don't know" and she laughed and was like , "you must not know much of anything , huh?" Or something to the fact of "do you know anything???!" Practically calling me dumb. Thinking back I could've just said " well your the dumb one asking all kinds of questions that we don't have answers for!" But I didn't. It was a time in my life when I hadn't mastered sticking up for myself yet. Trust me there's going to be a lot of times when people are going to make you look like the idiot, or the dumb one.. But when you haven't gotten brave enough to say anything yet. Suck it up, take in every word. Go home, and remember how humiliating it made you feel in front of everyone and reflect on comebacks that you COUDLVE said. Then, one day , before you know it, you'll learn how to have comebacks handy, and you'll be able to voice it. But I remember that being my motivator... Going home and reflecting on how humiliating something made me feel, how it was just not fair, but thinking "one of these days, I'll be able to stick up for myself and know exactly what to say" and I was just waiting for that day to come and of course it did over time. It's all about practicing it in your head or even with your mom with comebacks if she's willing to help you with it. Have her act like she's picking on you . That's what my mom did for me. Also on a different note of gaining confidence, I also am more introverted. I can sit happily at home doing my own thing or doing things I like to do around the house. I do like to go out sometimes too, but I don't have many friends. And I've learned and taught myself to be ok with that. I used to grow up thinking what's wrong with me why don't I have a ton of friends like these other girls in highschool do? A whole clique of friends was never something I had. I had small groups I would hang out with occasionally but that was it. Then you find out some people are fake friends , not real ones. A lot of people find out who their real friends are the hard way. Anyway I always thought there may be something wrong with me

Physically or maybe I'm just socially awkward or not cool enough? Well I got so fed up one day that I finally just stopped caring. And not in a negative way like , I didn't go curl up in a ball in a corner and want to die or anything. No I took the higher road. I took it in a positive way. Like ok... So and so doesn't want to be my friend? That's fine I don't need that person to be my friend to be able to go on with my life. I'm sure I will survive ! LOL so my journey with that was me coming to the realization that not everyone is going to like you, or even want to be your friend.. And that is ok. Being able to come to terms with things like that, and still knowing that your going to be ok is all that matters but most importantly feeling satisfied with yourself and about yourself. Being that person like hell no, I don't need a ton of friends to be happy Bc majority of people who have "a ton" of friends, usually have a lot of fake friends. The people who have a small close knit group of friends usually are the ones that have lasting friendships with friends. You know that saying.. I'd much rather have 5 real friends than 50 fake ones. I made myself feel confident enough to be able to walk through the halls in highschool confidently even if I didn't have someone to walk with or talk to. That would just irritate me. When I would see girls in highschool cling to their friends or their group desperately just so they can be seen talking to a certain person , or that they're too afraid to be seen walking alone. Get over it and just do it, it won't kill you lol. I understand the feeling, but it takes time to get your confidence just the way you want it and finally feel comfortable in your own mind and body. Also coming to the realization that what you say and think does matter. Your opinion matters even. But if YOU don't think it does, how will anyone else care or think that it matters? It has to begin with you. Many people out there have changed the world, even with just their thoughts, opinions, and words. your words could do the same, but only if you believe it. You have to believe in yourself, love yourself, and do a lot of convincing to yourself . Then , confidence over time will start to come naturally. It's all about having that sense of self worth and making yourself feel important. You can do it girl