Husbands family have been so nasty

Hi guys. I've been married five years and always had a great relationship with my inlaws, however that's all changed in the past year.

My husbands 40th was coming up so I decided to organise him a surprise party. His parents informed me they couldn't make it as they'd just booked a holiday, which was fine, his two siblings and rest of the family could make it so I couldn't wait to see his face on the night.

In the run up to the party his sister and I are messaging daily, me letting her know the arrangements and so on. Then on the day of the party she just stopped replying, I thought she was busy and went on with the preparations. Well on to the party night she just didn't show up, or let me know she wasn't coming, she was also supposed to pick a few other relatives up on the way to the party and she never let them know she wouldn't be picking them up, as a result they didn't get to come as they were all trying to reach her and couldn't get hold of her. Turns out she decided at the last minute to go out on a date and never thought to let anyone know.

My husband asked where some of his family was and I didn't want to ruin the party and made some lame excuse but the next day I told him the truth, he was quite angry as he'd just seen a post on his sisters fb from a friend asking how her date went.

So he got in touch with her and it got heated between them both and she called him and myself a few names.

Now this is where the problem starts, his parents returned from holiday and just stop talking to us, no reasons given, they just completely side with her (can I add, she is the only girl and the youngest and still lives at home so they really spoil her and never think she can do no wrong)

My husband tries to smooth things over by offering his parents out for a meal and they say no.

My husband and I have a child together and he also has one to an ex, his family have never spoken to his ex as they dislike her, haven't spoken to her in ten years and now all of a sudden they are getting in touch with her and inviting her over to the house.

Christmas and birthdays roll by and they don't even send our child up a present but when we see my stepchild he informs us of all the things they got him and his sisters (who are my husband exes children, who my inlaws had never met before this point)

We were so hurt by this as they didn't get our child purely out of spite as they had fallen out with us.

They keep having the ex over at the house, which is hurting my husband and this ex was really horrible to him and cheated on him and then stopped him seeing his child when he left her after he caught her cheating. He had to spend thousands of pounds in court to get his visitation rights. So for them to be having her over and playing happy families with her other kids and ignoring us and our child really hurt.

Now this is the worst part, my father and sister were killed in an accident and I was distraught, and they didn't even get in touch with us, didn't go to the funeral or send a sympathy card. That was it, I wanted nothing more to do with them.

A few months ago whilst up attending my fathers grave, I got emotional as I cleaned his headstone that this is all I can do for him now, won't be able to visit him, laugh with him, grab a bite to eat with him and it made me realise how short life is.

So when I got home I explained this to my husband and told him I think he should be the bigger person and get in touch with his parents and try and rebuild their relationship before it's too late and he agreed.

He got in touch and went to visit them and since then he has been getting on great with them, the problem is he didn't confront them about their behaviour and how they hurt us and when I asked him he said he doesn't want to rock the boat again but I feel for the relationship to move forward he has to be honest with them and not bury his head in the sand.

He said to me he wants me to make an effort but they have done too much and would need to apologise before I'd consider patching things up with them. I mean I lost two of the most important people in my life and they didn't get in touch.

Now my husband is just carrying on with them as if nothing happened and I'm getting frustrated with him because he is showing no loyalty to me or our child because they totally shut the child out as well.

Can anyone offer any advise? It would be greatly appreciated.

I feel for the relationship to move forward he has to be honest with them and not bury his head in the sand.

You can't have both. When you tried getting them to apologise they ditched you. They are not interested in having a relationship that is based on them admitting that they were cruel and did terrible things.

You asked him to get the relationship back. He has. You're now moving the goalposts because you were acting out of grief not from a place where you'd really moved on from their behaviour.

You told him to be the bigger person. He is doing exactly that.

You can't have both. When you tried getting them to apologise they ditched you. They are not interested in having a relationship that is based on them admitting that they were cruel and did terrible things.

 

You asked him to get the relationship back. He has. You're now moving the goalposts because you were acting out of grief not from a place where you'd really moved on from their behaviour.

 

You told him to be the bigger person. He is doing exactly that.

Sorry I don't agree with anything you said. When I said to him to get in touch it was under the understanding that he would be honest and tell them how he felt so they could talk about it and move forward, he hasn't done that.

I want him to have a relationship with them but one in which they show each other respect.

If we all just thought to move on was to let people away with things then we would spend our lives getting walked all over.

Sorry I don't agree with anything you said. When I said to him to get in touch it was under the understanding that he would be honest and tell them how he felt so they could talk about it and move forward, he hasn't done that.

 

I want him to have a relationship with them but one in which they show each other respect.

 

If we all just thought to move on was to let people away with things then we would spend our lives getting walked all over.

No, you said, and I quote: "be the bigger person and get in touch with his parents and try and rebuild their relationship before it's too late", not "be honest and demand their respect". Those are two totally different things.

So you told him you wanted him to patch things up with his family because life is too short, yet your underlying motive was to have him stir things up again and chastise them for how they acted to you? I've got news for you, letting people get away with things sometimes IS being the bigger person. Who do you really care about here? Him or his family?

Sorry I don't agree with anything you said. When I said to him to get in touch it was under the understanding that he would be honest and tell them how he felt so they could talk about it and move forward, he hasn't done that.

 

I want him to have a relationship with them but one in which they show each other respect.

 

If we all just thought to move on was to let people away with things then we would spend our lives getting walked all over.

Did you tell him to be the bigger person then, or to demand they show respect?

No, you said, and I quote: "be the bigger person and get in touch with his parents and try and rebuild their relationship before it's too late", not "be honest and demand their respect". Those are two totally different things.

 

So you told him you wanted him to patch things up with his family because life is too short, yet your underlying motive was to have him stir things up again and chastise them for how they acted to you? I've got news for you, letting people get away with things sometimes IS being the bigger person. Who do you really care about here? Him or his family?

Listen I came on here for advise, not to recieve attitude. I simply put a short version of what was said to my husband, I wasn't going to say I then said he could tell them how they've hurt us and made us feel and go on from there. All that was said in a conversation, he agreed to have a heart to heart with them and get things of his chest, and hoping they would see where they've went wrong and build on that.

I've never wanted to stir things up again because the last thing I want is to get into rows as currently in grieving over my dad and my sister who left behind four children. So the last thing I need in my life is confrontation.

And you got advice.. You just didn't want to hear it and are labeling it as attitude.

Also, you should probably have posted what you told your husband from the start and not made it look like you just wanted him to patch things up.

Did you tell him to be the bigger person then, or to demand they show respect?

I suggested he be the bigger person by making the first move and then we both discussed him telling them how their behaviour really hurt us both and for them all to get things off their chest so they can move forward.

And yes, I do like respect who doesn't. I've showed them respect by changing my husbands view on things as he was not willing to speak the them ever again and he had made that very clear.

And you got advice.. You just didn't want to hear it and are labeling it as attitude.

Also, you should probably have posted what you told your husband from the start and not made it look like you just wanted him to patch things up.

No, some of what you said was not advice, accusing me of stirring, saying I didn't really want him to patch things up.

I maybe should have put all that in my post but it was a long post and I was just trying to shorten it as much as I could.

Yeah, well you left out a pretty important part. Because you're claiming you don't want confrontation yet when he patched things up that wasn't enough for you and you wanted him to go full on and start another fight with his family over you.

Why don't you confront them yourself, instead of having your husband do your dirty work for you?

By the way, I agree with your husband, you should put some effort into patching things up instead of having him do it for you. But you're clearly too stubborn for that and you want the apology first. But hey, life's too short and all, like you said, right?

Some things are best left be in some families.

Maybe one day he will bring things up to them, but for now he is re-establishing their relationship and I know most of us would respond defensively without that relationship having the chance to be built again.

I truly understand your outrage at how they shut out your child. Children have nothing to do with the family fights but some people do not have the emotional intelligence or maturity to separate that fact. Are they making an effort with your child now? Or is it just your husband?

He said to me he wants me to make an effort but they have done too much and would need to apologise before I'd consider patching things up with them. I mean I lost two of the most important people in my life and they didn't get in touch.

Marriage is a team effort. He's trying to patch things up, you're pouting in the corner waiting for an apology. And it doesn't sound like your kid is anywhere in mind when it comes to this.

Some things are best left be in some families.

 

Maybe one day he will bring things up to them, but for now he is re-establishing their relationship and I know most of us would respond defensively without that relationship having the chance to be built again.

 

I truly understand your outrage at how they shut out your child. Children have nothing to do with the family fights but some people do not have the emotional intelligence or maturity to separate that fact. Are they making an effort with your child now? Or is it just your husband?

I do agree with you, some people deal with things differently. But in my life I've had falls outs and when patching things up I've been mature about it and sat down and gotten my point across and listened to the others issues with me. And that's always worked.

No, because now our child won't go with them as the stepbrother was showing her all the gifts they got him and she broke down and felt left out and asked who grandpa and grandma don't love her, which was very upsetting. So at the weekend she was due to go out with them for the day and then wouldn't go and acted all shy. It's a very upsetting situation.

Marriage is a team effort. He's trying to patch things up, you're pouting in the corner waiting for an apology. And it doesn't sound like your kid is anywhere in mind when it comes to this.

You don't know me, or my child! So stop making assumptions based on a post. They left the child out, didn't want to know her, which upset our daughter so much. So why should I be all over them, I'm a mother, they've hurt my child and I'm upset with that

But in my life I've had falls outs and when patching things up I've been mature about it and sat down and gotten my point across and listened to the others issues with me. And that's always worked.

.

Well since you've got the magic touch, why don't you sit down with his parents and make them see the light?

You don't know me, or my child! So stop making assumptions based on a post. They left the child out, didn't want to know her, which upset our daughter so much. So why should I be all over them, I'm a mother, they've hurt my child and I'm upset with that

I know what you've posted, and you won't give in and patch things up for the child's sake. Yep, life's too short. Sounds like you've got a personal vendetta.

Yeah, well you left out a pretty important part. Because you're claiming you don't want confrontation yet when he patched things up that wasn't enough for you and you wanted him to go full on and start another fight with his family over you.

 

Why don't you confront them yourself, instead of having your husband do your dirty work for you?

 

By the way, I agree with your husband, you should put some effort into patching things up instead of having him do it for you. But you're clearly too stubborn for that and you want the apology first. But hey, life's too short and all, like you said, right?

Because my husband and I are one, we are a team, that's what marriage is about. Right now I'm in grief so the last thing I want to do is go confront my inlaws.

You don't seem to be grasping the fact that I've said my husband agreed to have a heart to heart, get it off his chest and move on from there.

So far he's not done that, when he agreed to.

Because my husband and I are one, we are a team, that's what marriage is about. Right now I'm in grief so the last thing I want to do is go confront my inlaws.

 

You don't seem to be grasping the fact that I've said my husband agreed to have a heart to heart, get it off his chest and move on from there.

So far he's not done that, when he agreed to.

And you, my dear, don't seem to be grasping the fact that you said you wanted him to patch things up, which he did.

You're not acting like a team. You're throwing him orders and when he doesn't do it the way YOU want him to, instead of being by his side having a heart to heart, you're cutting HIM down for not arguing with his own family.

And now I'm wondering if that's why they have a problem with you, because they feel you're pulling his strings to turn him against them.

Sometimes you have to be the bigger person, suck it up and let it go over your head even if you know it's not necessarily what you would ordinarily do. Years ago my ex in laws came across my new BF's parents and literally looked at them like she had trodden in something nasty. I took great exception, told my ex, who of course told his mother who denied everything and refused to speak to me!! I was the one who had to go creeping round taking a bunch of flowers! It all blew over and now, many years later, we get on fine. Y'know, life really is too short to hold grudges. There may come a time when you can discuss this rationally with them but for now you just need to sit back and allow your husband to do what he has to do......

And you, my dear, don't seem to be grasping the fact that you said you wanted him to patch things up, which he did.

 

You're not acting like a team. You're throwing him orders and when he doesn't do it the way YOU want him to, instead of being by his side having a heart to heart, you're cutting HIM down for not arguing with his own family.

 

And now I'm wondering if that's why they have a problem with you, because they feel you're pulling his strings to turn him against them.

Lol i find it quite sad that you are trolling this post, you are literally reading through it all and replying multiple times and you think I'm the one with the problem.

I don't claim to have a magic touch but I'm an adult and I act like an adult, I can get my point across in a constructive way, which is what I find most mature adults do then there's a problem and they want to move forward.

My inlaws never had any problem with me, quite the opposite in fact as they were very nice to me before all this.

And as for me cutting him down, I haven't cut him down, he said he didn't want to rock the boat so I came on here for advise. That's not cutting him down, that's me not wanting to upset him. We are a team and always will be but right now I have to prioritise as I'm currently looking after my nieces who lost their mother, so it's up to my husband to deal with his end of the family and as we reached a mutual agreement one which he was happy with then he should be acting on that.

Let it go. Do you enjoy drama?

Sometimes you have to be the bigger person, suck it up and let it go over your head even if you know it's not necessarily what you would ordinarily do. Years ago my ex in laws came across my new BF's parents and literally looked at them like she had trodden in something nasty. I took great exception, told my ex, who of course told his mother who denied everything and refused to speak to me!! I was the one who had to go creeping round taking a bunch of flowers! It all blew over and now, many years later, we get on fine. Y'know, life really is too short to hold grudges. There may come a time when you can discuss this rationally with them but for now you just need to sit back and allow your husband to do what he has to do......

I can understand why you would do that and I probably would do the same in that situation.

In this situation they excluded our little girl and she was very hurt so my husband said he would explain that to them and explain everything to them so they could all move forward but so far he hasn't.

I just think as they've upset our child he needs to make them aware of that so they can avoid ever doing anyhing like that again.

Let it go. Do you enjoy drama?

Most certainly not but I'm a mother and don't like to see my child being left out and hurt

Have you considered... and I know this might sound obvious and a bit harsh - that they KNEW what they were doing when excluding your child as they knew it would get to you? And it has. And I get that. BUT your husband is stuck between a rock and a hard place and you're grieving for more than one reason......

As cr@p as this is.... If you keep up the barriers it will make things worse and the stand off will continue. I get where you're coming from but surely isn't life too short for all this....??

Maybe I'm too soft but after my own experiences over the past 12 months life really is too short for falling out with those we love.....

Have you considered... and I know this might sound obvious and a bit harsh - that they KNEW what they were doing when excluding your child as they knew it would get to you? And it has. And I get that. BUT your husband is stuck between a rock and a hard place and you're grieving for more than one reason......

 

As cr@p as this is.... If you keep up the barriers it will make things worse and the stand off will continue. I get where you're coming from but surely isn't life too short for all this....??

 

Maybe I'm too soft but after my own experiences over the past 12 months life really is too short for falling out with those we love.....

Yes, my husband and I both agreed they were doing that to hurt us and that's the part I feel as a father he has to address with them, he doesn't have to go in all guns blazing but sit quietly and explain to them that our daughter was so hurt by it.

I have to say I am being stand offish but only due to the fact our daughter is asking us both why they only love Alex (which is the stepbrother) for me as a mother that is very hard to hear so I feel it's my husbands duty as a father to say how bad that is, his kids need to be a priority and if their feelings are being affected he needs to make his parents aware of that so it doesn't happen again.

Life is very short, and I realise that which is why I talked him into making the first move with them as he is so stubborn and told me he never wanted to speak to them again and I'm glad he's speaking to them but I want them to know that they hurt us all, especially the little girl, just so they can learn and try not to let it happen again.

I'm sorry to hear you've had a tough year, I hope things are starting to look up for you as you've given me some good advise.

You've had a rough year, Jackdm. I'm sorry about your father and sister.

What were your in-laws like before all this happened, before the surprise party for your husband that started all this? You've known them a long time, have things been off before with them?

As far as sympathy cards go, I've found very few people send them these days, and I'm sorry to say that. Some people cannot acknowledge the loss that someone else has experienced. My heart goes out to you. And to your little girl. And your husband.