very unique situation after separation and divorce

Hi , I am new to this site but I wanted to share my experience with you all and yes wanting advice ....but it's a bit of a lost cause to get my ex wife back so it's really for me to heal properly.

Well was with my ex for over 5 years married for 3 and a half , separated last September 2015 , divorced in May 2016 , initiated by her I might add.

Well i have been speaking , by phone , text to her this last 12 months , meeting for drinks , dinner etc , all very platonic , I suppose i got stuck in the dreaded friend zone , she would text me , i would ask her to meet up , but I'm still in love with my ex , so I stupidly thought by being friends was better than nothing and that if I stuck around she would hopefully get back with me ...big mistake i know , even though she has a boyfriend , which she has been seeing now for about 6 months... it's funny really as she will text me every two weeks for a catch up.

Anyway I met up with her about a couple of weeks ago for drinks and she told me for the first time the reason for our break up was that her mother had told her to divorce me or she will cut her out of her will ....which shocked me to the core....how evil is that , ok I was no angel , had a few financial issues and liked to have a beer , but not to excess ...well the upshot is , I wrote her a long email telling her that i cannot be friends with her at the moment and please do not contact me ....

Well , about a week later , she sent me a text , asking how my mother was (my mum had to go into hospital for surgery) , however i did not reply to her text , it has been 14 days of no contact and even though we got divorced in May 2016 , i do keep thinking about her , I will continue no contact but I'm worried that she will forget about me , I suppose I will have to stay NC for another month at least ...to get rid of this emotional attachment , but what really eats me up is how her mother split us up.....that I find sooo hard to deal with!!

Thanks for reading

I suppose I will have to stay NC for another month at least ...to get rid of this emotional attachment ,

Going to take a lot longer than a month, I'm afraid.

but what really eats me up is how her mother split us up.....that I find sooo hard to deal with!!

Her mother didn't split you up. Your ex-wife split you up. She could have gone against her mother's wishes if she'd really wanted.

Thanks for your sage advice Rich...

Yes I suppose it is going to take many months , I did read somewhere that for the time it takes to complete heal divide the time that you were together by two ...so in that sense i got about another year and a half

and as you say , I think I'm just making excuses for my ex ...after all , she obviously must have bad mouthed me to her mother , although her mum is a bit of a narcissist and hated me from the off , I don't know why ...probably didn't match up to her high expectations !!

Yes I suppose it is going to take many months , I did read somewhere that for the time it takes to complete heal divide the time that you were together by two ...so in that sense i got about another year and a half

I never believe in specific timeframes like that. So a couple who separate after 30 years together are going to need 15 years to get over the relationship? Nah, all kind of variables may affect the recovery. The most important will be how proactive you are in terms of your healing; so how you build yourself up, how you change your bad habits, how you increase your self esteem, how you turn your life around. There's no need for the sad smiley face either - it probably took me a year to get over my last ex, but that's not to say i was miserable throughout those entire 12 months. I travelled, I met new people, I read, I exercised, I studied. Yeah I felt down in between on many occasions, but slowly, gradually, you will start to feel better and will probably come out the other side an improved version of yourself.

 

and as you say , I think I'm just making excuses for my ex ...after all , she obviously must have bad mouthed me to her mother , although her mum is a bit of a narcissist and hated me from the off , I don't know why ...probably didn't match up to her high expectations !!

Yeah, and i don't think you've heard the whole story from your ex. She was probably trying to pin all the blame onto her mother to lessen her feelings of guilt for hurting you. Nobody wants to be the bad guy, so quite natural to blame someone else.

Agree. Don't be friends with an ex, particularly since she has moved on and has a bf. It's only hurting you and preventing you from healing and moving on. So sending a no friends, no contact message was the best thing you did.

Now you know more about her reasons for divorcing, but surely many of them were covered at the time. Consider it the final "closure". Forget the ex-MIL rhetoric, the ex divorced you for multiple reasons .

divorced in May 2016. even though she has a boyfriend, she will text me every two weeks for a catch up. I was no angel , had a few financial issues and liked to have a beer. I wrote her a long email telling her that i cannot be friends with her at the moment and please do not contact me

If it wasn't her mother, it'd be peer pressure off girlfriends. You're best off away from these poisonous trolls so just block her everywhere and go no contact. She friendzoned you to assuage her guilt, nothing else.

Stay NC.

Your ex has the same values as her mother.

Dodged a bullet.

Thanks to you all for your help as I am really struggling with this...the thing I don't understand is that why has she kept in contact , even asking me out for drinks etc , this has been going on for all through being separated and divorced?!?!

If her life was so great after divorcing me as she has a new guy who she has been going out with now for 6 months , why does she want to keep in contact ?????

Its been just over 3 weeks now since i sent her that final email telling her not to contact me ....then barely a week after i sent that email she sent me a text asking how my mother was after her surgery (my mum has just had major operation)....I just thought she was testing my resolve , i dont think she really just only wanted to know how my mum was , I mean it's not as if she saw my parents much over our 5 year relationship as they live in a different part of the country.

Anyway i didn't reply to her , so onwards with NC ...but what I don't understand why she still wants to be friends with me , text me , even hang out with me ....when it was her idea to divorce me ...so confused