Is that marriage dead already?

Hello everybody,

I am currently a bit desperate as I do not know what I shall do. Maybe to add, I was coming from a very destroying relationship, went to a psychotherapy etc. (did not take any drugs to make my mood change) when I was beginning a relation with my nowadays wife.

She is not from the same country, rather from a poorer country of this world. We have been married for three years nearly but I feel like that the marriage is already dead. Our sex life is actually dead already. Within the last year we had two times sex - but rather a very unsatisfying one as she always has pain when I am going inside her. She says my "d" would be too big for her and she doesnt enjoys it. Earlier in the relationship it was okay, but usually the sex was not great, too. Sometimes she gave me bj or hj - however I always needed to ask for it, sometimes even little "beg" her to do it. From her side there was not any activity. So, from that side its already like a dead end street. I can somehow live with that, since I just do it myself in the meantime to get the pressure off me.

Our fights intensified the recent months. One thing we always fight is money. In all those three years we have been married she never worked until two months ago. Now she is having a small part time job and earns some money, what is fine. Before she always was asking for pocket money every month, however she has access to "my" bankaccount which is already a shared bank account with her name on it, too. However there is just "my" money in the account. We have a savings account where I always put the leftover money on it, to have some money for trips or something else... For me, I cannot understand why she would ask me for pocket money always, as she has a bank card and can buy whatever she wanted. I am even not checking my bank account statements carefully. Anyway I gave her pocket money then, not every months but every once in a while and also took care of buying some more expensive things for her. But what made me a bit angry whenever I gave her the pocket money for example was, that she then still used money from "my" bank account to buy her personal things - I dont get this. She wants pocket money for herself, but then for her own things still use "my" money? Why? If its like this, I actually would think "ok, we use the other money for "our" things we need." - but it wasnt like this ever.

For birthdays or christmas I never received any gift from her, as she said she would have no money (although she had because of the pocket money) - it always let me feel a bit sad.

Many times she argues about the money thing. I even dont have a bank account for myself where I can store "my pocket money" and just buy something I like myself. From the money she earns now, I am not even asking anything to participate in our monthy costs like rent, food or anything else. As we are married she has the tax class which is a bit "unfair" for her, but for my tax class can save more money in the end of the month, which is because I am earning about 4 times than her - so for me its totally fine and I would also not think of taking away any of "her" money as I am the one who should take care of that. Yet, she still is asking for pocket money as compensation for her higher tax payments... However I am telling her, that I am putting all money on our savings account and not using it my own pleasure.

I have so much a "we" thought, but she just seems a bit selfish and too focussed on the money thing. One could think that she is actually just collecting money and waiting for the right time, then leaving me. I currently feel like this.

Additionally, we are actually not spending too much time together anymore which I find quite pity. Sometimes I am very busy with work, due to my responsibilty I have to work some overtime. But she for example for like the last two or three weeks just is meeting with the same colleague every evening and she is just coming back home very late... She brought our e-piano to him, since he can play very well, what is fine. However she now ordered another Yamaha e-piano for about 500 bucks, but was telling me like "oh its not for me"... she brought it to this guy, but even didnt answer my question why she bought a second one and why she ordered it for the guy. For tonight I actually was planning to watch a movie with her, so I told her in the morning that I would pick her up after work... she said I do not need to pick her up. She wore a nice dress today and a push up bra, and brought her little makeup bag. During her break she texted me and again said, that I should not come to pick her up. I asked why and what her plans would be. She said that she wanted to go out. I asked with who, because I think can just ask for some reasons of being interested (also for some emergency case). If she is meeting with her girlfriends she also always tells me, who she is going to meet). She did not answer that. So I needed to ask three times like what she will be doing and with who she will meet. She again did not answer... I told her, that I find this kind of talk really suspicious and usually I feel like a bit that she is hiding me..... maybe I also feel lack of self confidence due to her talkings towards me that I will tell in a bit about. Therefor I might also feel insecure and have this behaviour... might be. I think I still would go there tonight, but park a bit far away to see what she is doing when leaving her work. Maybe holding hand with some colleague... who knows.

Last week I needed to stay at hospital for a bone marrow donation and I was sent back home on a friday, when she needed to work... instead of looking after me in the night, she again was outside. She totally let go of the household what we usually did together. She did a bit more of course as she was staying at home. So I usually do most of the work in the weekend what needed still to be done...

But now, she is mostly not available for some housework at all - before she was so cute to prepare food for me so that I can bring it to my company the next day. Nowadays its really barely happening.

She had a very difficult past, needed to grow up without her dad, since he was kind of playboy. She also met stupid guys in past and was just too easy to get. I fighted a long time with me, if I would be willing to accept that, since she seems to be so easy to attract guys and always saying in front of the mirror "oh look at me, i am so pretty" ... she is telling me, that i am looking so old and not attractive to girls... however she has been kind of rude somtimes since we know each other... calling me "" and some other words what is actually not a really girl-like behaviour. thats also why she told me that she is usually more considered as being a boy, because of the way she is talking to people. However this also hurts me, and I told her many times already that I feel a bit sad if she is rude to me.

Yesterday I have been to the donut store to bring her some sweets. Today morning when she was opening the package, she took one donut, bite in it and first thing she do is, is complaining, as so many times before already... "why did you buy lemon, dont you know that i dont like lemon?" ... I then just continued eating my cereals for a moment, but then left to our bedroom since I was really hurt.. I tried to show some cute gesture, but all she can do is complain again.

As I mentioned before she is coming from a not so rich country, actually a developing country. Her family wasnt so poor but still in their house its not like here. She is not a big spender of money, actually most of the time quite considerate when buying something. But also she is complaining about our flat that we rented. I admit, our flat before was a lot of better, because the building now is a bit older and therefor it doesnt have such a good insulation etc. But its worthy the price and as the price for rents are so damn high at the moment I think its worthy to stay a bit longer and save the money what we would "waste" now when still rent a place instead of having bought something already... I could afford a more expensive place of the double or even triple price, but I do not want to throw money out of the window. I rather save it to be able to take a lower loan from the bank in a few years when I will buy something.

Although she knows my plans she often still complains about here - but its a conflict like the thing with the pocket money.... she wants a bigger kitchen to be able to feel like cooking more likely again. I should buy a new one if we move to another flat. I do not want to buy a kitchen for a flat that I am not living permenantly in. Its waste of money and its such a big effort to put it inside the new flat and eventually remove it again when moving out. I could also leave the kitchen in there for the next person but then would need to sell it with high loss.

I dont know what to do... I feel like I am actually just used by her. She said she wants to apply for our country's nationality as soon as we are married for three years. I feel like that will be the moment when she is going to tell me: "Alright, thanks for bearing me that last years, but I am leaving now" - and that would be the moment that I would be going to explode since I actually was really just being used to provide a better life in another country. From her behaviour I could expect that. But no matter what I do - I am always the stupid one. She wants to leave me, or I want to leave her. Its me that needs to pay her off 50% of the money I have saved for the future. Since she is the "poorer" part of this marriage, I am the one that need to pays for compensation then every month, knowing that the woman was maybe really just playing a role the recent years, which could also explain all the behaviours.

Now, I am expecting your replies like: "you are such an insecure, disrespectful " ... maybe I am, but my past made me become like this... I always tried to be a cute, caring and considering husband to her, doing so many things for her, that others never would even think about to be cute to a girl... but I feel that all I do is never appreciated by her. Just many times as I wrote above she finds some reason to complain to me....

Thanks for reading, I might feel a bit better now.

You know this right well, OP.

"knowing that the woman was maybe really just playing a role the recent years, which could also explain all the behaviours."

You got rightly conned, and were just a vehicle for the nationality thing. You are at least aware that you were used.

So, you'll have to take legal advice, cut your losses and get a life for yourself.

And when you do get her out of your life, please spend some time alone, by yourself and get back some peace of mind.

It also does make more sense, since her mom is married also to an European guy. In their country they must live together for 8 years... sometime my wife told me that her mom would plan to leave him when she got her nationality. I then mentioned something like "well, you will just do the same when you got your nationally, right just with a bit sad tone. She said: "I am not like my mom. My mom is cold for that" --- but however it more feels like that, that I am also in the same position.

You can and should get a divorce. I wouldn't give her the three years she needs.

You can and should get a divorce. I wouldn't give her the three years she needs.

I know that this would be the best. But I wonder if there is a difference between "me wanting the divorce" or "her wanting the divorce" ? Will that have any effect of the outcome? I dont want to say, that i am greedy. But for the money which I have saved before it took a long hard way, including a lot of overtime. I would feel treated very unfair if anybody would ask me to share 50% of that possessions and the only one who is benefiting from my lack of spare time and hard work would be my wife".

I also would be interested if I would need to pay some monthly compensation, if it was the same amount if she needs to return to her own country as if she stays here due to her upcoming nationality... In her country, divorce is not possible. Only Annulment of the marriage, like it never happened before. I am scared of the step of being divorced, especially if I am the idiot and need to pay for her livings then until she decided to marry again one day... if she doesnt? I am her supporter until I die?

I am sorry, I never have been in that kind of situation so my questions might sound very stupid.

An attorney could give you better insight into those scenarios than I could. However, the financial hit rarely gets lighter the longer the marriage goes on.

Do you think she is using you to sponsor her for residency in your country? It sounds like she is rather bratty/nasty since the marriage...and no sex? What happens when you try to talk to her and tell her what you feel and what's going on?

Today morning when she was opening the package, she took one donut, bite in it and first thing she do is, is complaining, as so many times before already... "why did you buy lemon, dont you know that i dont like lemon?"

Desperate. For legal advice on your position you need to see a lawyer in your country. That is the only way you will find out how you stand (you don't mention in which country you are living). It is vital that you consult a lawyer now, be completely upfront with him or her, and most importantly, follow his/her advice....

You have been taken for a ride.

There are few countries in the world where there is no longer divorce so I am surmising where she is from.....and I wouldn't be wrong in saying the country starts with a "P".

However, you can file for divorce in your country, and it will have to be you who does it.

She sometimes tell me that she felt a bit forced that time to get married with me, since I was asking her quite soon after knowing her. And she said that she rather firstly wanted to get a bit stable i her country first, and earn some money herself. So, there was not too much bf/gf time between the marriage and knowing each other.

It was not always tensioned like now. Before it was harmonic, but it seems like she got tired of some things, she asked me to change, but I felt hard to do.. just like changing some habbits.

I told her many times, that sex is not the highest priority for me, but that it would be nice to enjoy intimate time together from time to time.. maybe even once a month would be fine for me, i think. But when I make some approach she usually just calls me like "why are you always so horny" ... well, maybe because I lack something. She just seem to not care so much about it her own sexuality and because of that, of mine, too.

It feels like she lost her passion for it, but it also seems she never was (alao not before knowing me) the sex bomb that some men might would desire. That might also comes from one of her ex bf's who treated her like , but she still fell for him again and again...

I might should find a specialized lawyer for international marriages.

Well, the old saying holds true: "Marry in haste; repent at leisure".

What was your hurry, Desperate?

I am surmising you met online, and not "on the ground" in your country.

This woman is a total piece of trash. ?! Desperation on your part. Own it.

Go see a lawyer ASAP before she wipes her butt with you more than she already has.

I'm sorry, but people like her make me sick to the stomach.

Well, the old saying holds true: "Marry in haste; repent at leisure".

What was your hurry, Desperate?

 

I am surmising you met online, and not "on the ground" in your country.

We met via a kind of dating app. She were visiting her parents in Europe that time and somehow we got in touch, yes. I was cute and different than the dozens other men that contacted her, so she found me interesting and we talked a bit and decided that I come to see her. we then stayed in my place for about one week and was in love from first second i saw her. One could say that she also was seeing some other guys in her parents country before meeting with me, whats fine as i have no right to judge her before we meet.

This woman is a total piece of trash. ?! Desperation on your part. Own it.

 

Go see a lawyer ASAP before she wipes her butt with you more than she already has.

I'm sorry, but people like her make me sick to the stomach.

I somehow always find only this kind of girls.. i dont know. i feel myself very good hearted and kind, trying to fulfill every wish a woman could have... but somehow the women just start to change after breaking up... my two ex gfs before my wife totally became a different person. they changed to the person that would be called "being able to have a relationship"... it looka like that i was always their teacher and showed how to be good in a relationship, but the one who profitted from it just was the next boy... I feel pity to be in that kind of situation. I always pick up the mental unstable persons, bear them until i make myself in a mental unstable situation and then i break up, with broken heart and broken head just because i had hope until the very last day, that everything will be fine one day.

My last relationship tooks me a two years psychotherapy to get over it and get stable again. this happened while i was already with my nowadays wife.

Was this an arranged marriage or foreign bride dating app? What culture/nationality is she?

Do not let her continue to hurt you and tell her unless you go to counselling and clear up some problems you will seek annulment/divorce. That you want a marriage for love and respect, not a sham marriage for residency or gold-digging..

No, neither arranged marriage nor an app for choosing a bride It was an app like Tinder(?) where you can see people nearby and/or people who matches your search criteria..

Before I met her, I already lived in a far distance relationship and felt very exhausted from that. therefor I was thinking that I do not want that again and as we had some nice harmony actually, and you never have a guarantuee for anything in life, we were thinking to get married. being separated for months and can only see each other via a pixelated and unstable webcam connection made me so exhausted before.

OK. Desperate. There is a pattern emerging indeed.

And you remark.

"this happened while i was already with my nowadays wife."

Never, ever, enter on a rebound relationship.

Go back to your therapist, and work out why you are attracted to and attract these unstable people. It is not your job in life to teach anyone anything, less so your partner or spouse, nor to fulfill their every wish, as you put it. A marriage or long term relationship is a give and take business between two adult people, it isn't about one shoring up the other.

Look this up and get it:

The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome

by Harriet Braiker

"People pleasers are not just nice people who go overboard trying to make everyone happy. Those who suffer from the Disease to Please are people who say "Yes" when they really want to say "No." For them, the uncontrollable need for the elusive approval of others is an addiction. "

I might be a "yes-sayer" many times.

So, D, what are you going to do?

Your plan to get out of this unhealthy enmeshment?