Pakistani girl with white boyfriend - stressed about parents

So I'm a Pakistani girl, 21 years old and I've been dating my white boyfriend for over 2 years. We go to college together, have a healthy relationship and really love each other. We both have high career goals and are doing well, we want to stay together and one day get married. The only issue is my family, I come from a strict Muslim family and I'm not allowed to date at all. My parents always remind me I'm only allowed to marry a Pakistani Muslim man and that's it. They don't know about him at all, I plan to tell them when we're closer to actually getting married but for now telling them is still some time down the road but I worry about how they'll react. My parents and my boyfriend are very important to me, I don't want to give my relationship up but I'm so scared my parents will disown me or will never speak to me if I go through with being with my boyfriend. I don't even know how I'll go about telling them, their anger and hurt makes me scared to do it (something I feel very guilty towards for my boyfriend for).

Honestly, I would just appreciate any advice or encouragement. It's hard to find genuine supper in my community because people tell me it's not worth the trouble and sadness but I love my boyfriend and were so great together. I would hate to let my happiness slip away because I was scared to defy my parents.

My parents always remind me I'm only allowed to marry a Pakistani Muslim man and that's it.

You would do well to break up with him now, heal and then save face with your family by never letting them know that you have been with someone that they would never approve of. If they find out, they will cut off any college funding and that will be the least of your punishment.

It would be different if they were modern and willing to go against custom and culture but clearly when they say "a Muslim man and that's it" they are not going to waver. Not even if he converts to the Muslim religion because he's not of your culture.

I'm sorry you're now in this position... it's not going to be easy no matter what you do.

You're old enough to make your own decisions and live with the consequences. If you try to please them both by lying, you will lose them both. You'll need to decide if racism is something you want to control the rest of your life just to make your parents happy.

You're old enough to make your own decisions and live with the consequences. If you try to please them both by lying, you will lose them both. You'll need to decide if racism is something you want to control the rest of your life just to make your parents happy.

Its not racism at all. Its culture. Im sure they wouldnt mind if she was just friends with him. but marrying falls into cultural things. its either your parents, or the guy. Pick one. Youll have to. The reason your parents want you to marry in your own country is because you will have a better chance of staying together with him and in the muslim culture, they always resort to work things out in a relationship if something seems off. Its a more promising future with a muslim guy. With the american culture, its very rare for it to be promising. People see a problem with their relationship and want to break up as if it will never work out. and in my opinion, both of these ways are neither right, nor wrong. It is just how people function.

I suggest you really take a step back and decide what will be better for YOUR future and YOUR career/education. If you pick the guy, your parents will be hurt, and will disown you. You will have no financial support or emotional support whatsoever from them. You will have your boyfriend for that. And then if something happens in your relationship that results in your boyfriend leaving you, you will have no one. My suggestion would be to break up for now until you are able to stand on your own two feet financially and emotionally. Then, go fall in love with who ever.

In all honesty your parents intentions are only for you to be happy for long term. They want you to never have to go through a break up (how it used to be way back in the day).. Thats all. The decision is yours. &again, neither culture is right or wrong, its whether you want to take the risk for this guy you love so much or not.

I'm so scared my parents will disown me or will never speak to me if I go through with being with my boyfriend.

If your parents disown you, then they never loved you. No good parents will choose to disown their child over a dating preference. This isn't the 1800's.

My parents openly voiced their disapproval about me being in a serious relationship with a foreigner of a different race. I held my ground despite their disapproval, eventually moved in with him. It pissed them off that I would move in before marriage (sorry, my job was far from their house and rent in an inner city area is outrageous). I didn't speak to my parents for two months, but they got over it. My partner and I are now happily married.

Your parents can rage, gripe, and get pissed all they want. How they handle their own reactions and emotions is their own problem. They need to deal with that.

You are responsible for creating your own path and sticking with your choice with minimal regret. Part of being an independent adult is owning up to your decision, whether it's a god one or a mistake.

I don't even know how I'll go about telling them

Honesty is the best policy. You tell them. No more secret relationships like you're in grade school. You are 21, not 12. They have no control over your relationship and they cannot force you to break up; you must decide that on your own terms.

Your real problem is maintaining boundaries and standing up for them. This sets the tone with your social circle. You need to have boundaries with people - especially your family - if you want to be in an interracial/intercultural relationship because people WILL walk over or discriminate against you.

In time, or will discover that not everyone will approve your relationship over the smallest things whether you do decide to marry someone to your parents' liking. That's just life. If you cannot stand up for your relationship, then you are giving others control of how you live.

I, as well as many posters here, cannot give you absolute advice on what is the best way to approach. Do realize that the common viewpoint of this online community is based on a Westernize culture. However, you should not cower forever with any decision you make from this point on.

Its not racism at all. Its culture. Im sure they wouldnt mind if she was just friends with him. but marrying falls into cultural things. its either your parents, or the guy. Pick one. Youll have to. The reason your parents want you to marry in your own country is because you will have a better chance of staying together with him and in the muslim culture, they always resort to work things out in a relationship if something seems off. Its a more promising future with a muslim guy. With the american culture, its very rare for it to be promising. People see a problem with their relationship and want to break up as if it will never work out. and in my opinion, both of these ways are neither right, nor wrong. It is just how people function.

 

I suggest you really take a step back and decide what will be better for YOUR future and YOUR career/education. If you pick the guy, your parents will be hurt, and will disown you. You will have no financial support or emotional support whatsoever from them. You will have your boyfriend for that. And then if something happens in your relationship that results in your boyfriend leaving you, you will have no one. My suggestion would be to break up for now until you are able to stand on your own two feet financially and emotionally. Then, go fall in love with who ever.

 

In all honesty your parents intentions are only for you to be happy for long term. They want you to never have to go through a break up (how it used to be way back in the day).. Thats all. The decision is yours. &again, neither culture is right or wrong, its whether you want to take the risk for this guy you love so much or not.

It's discrimination based on the color of his skin, it's racism. As a minority myself married to another minority I've had to deal with this racism first hand.

How can you be sure she'll have a more promising future with a Muslim guy? No one can say and insisting on it is a little racist too.

My suggestion would be to break up for now until you are able to stand on your own two feet financially and emotionally. Then, go fall in love with who ever.

This is the only advice the OP needs.

I hope you will reflect upon my advice about boundaries. Not just for dealing with your family, but for people in general.

It's discrimination based on the color of his skin, it's racism. As a minority myself married to another minority I've had to deal with this racism first hand.

 

How can you be sure she'll have a more promising future with a Muslim guy? No one can say and insisting on it is a little racist too.

Muslim is not a race- it is a theology. The issue is mainly going to be on religious differences. And in Muslim society, for the OP's boyfriend to be accepted by her family he will be expected to convert to Islam- otherwise he will be viewed as an infidel. The chances of this working are extremely slim.

This is the only advice the OP needs.

 

I hope you will reflect upon my advice about boundaries. Not just for dealing with your family, but for people in general.

 

 

Muslim is not a race- it is a theology. And in Muslim society, for the OP's boyfriend to be accepted by her family he will be expected to convert to Islam. The chances of this working are extremely slim.

My mistake, but op clearly indicates Pakastani Muslim man, therefore racism.

Pakistani is a nationality. Muslim is theology.

Heck, my parents didn't want me to marry my husband mostly because he wasn't American. He came from a third world Asian country legally for better education and training in medicine. We both practiced the same religion, but there definitely were significant culture clashes. If my husband wasn't Catholic, I don't think we would have overcome the many cultural obstacles we had in our first few years of dating.

This is the only advice the OP needs.

 

I hope you will reflect upon my advice about boundaries. Not just for dealing with your family, but for people in general.

 

 

Muslim is not a race- it is a theology. The issue is mainly going to be on religious differences. And in Muslim society, for the OP's boyfriend to be accepted by her family he will be expected to convert to Islam- otherwise he will be viewed as an infidel. The chances of this working are extremely slim.

Pakistani is a nationality. Muslim is theology.

 

Heck, my parents didn't want me to marry my husband mostly because he wasn't American. He came from a third world Asian country legally for better education and training in medicine. We both practiced the same religion, but there definitely were significant culture clashes. If my husband wasn't Catholic, I don't think we would have overcome the many cultural obstacles we had in our first few years of dating.

I could argue the colloquial use, but let's settle on xenophobia instead.

To the op, do you want xenophobia to run the rest of your life just to please your parents? Doing so may make them happy, but it doesn't mean you will be.

hey browngirlprobz, i know a pakistani and white couple too. The girl is Pakistani and her boyfriend is white. That is quite a tough situation. I'm an Indian AMerican who faces a similar issue in terms of parents wanting us to marry certain people. You have my encouragement.

Tough situation that's for sure. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do in this type of situation, you know in your heart what you want to do and unless you do that you won't be satisfied. My best advice is once you're done school, able to start a career and move out you should tell them. Be stable on your own that way if they do disown you, you're not left in a bad spot. Yes emotionally it will be difficult, but it's your happiness against your parents. You have to do what's best for YOU, you know? Sounds like you're doing pretty good and I don't think you should punish yourself for the rest of your life to have approval from your parents. either way when they find out they're going to be pissed whether you've broken up with him or are still together. Yes others can say BREAK UP but although it might make your life easier it won't necessarily make you happy. I use to be in this position and there really isn't any easy way out, but I believe if you dig deep within yourself and really really think about what's best for you, you will make the right choice. Best of luck!