Should I Wish Her a Happy Birthday (My current situation, please read)

So here is the current situation. We broke up about 4 months ago and since then, she has been talking to a mutual friend of ours. He was my friend at first but slowly drifted as I did not like the type of person he was. My ex knew that I did not like him and she also used to talk a lot of crap about him too while we were in a relationship. But now, they have a "thing" since we broke up because she likes

him now.

Some history with my ex: We had been together for a little more than 5 years (highschool-college). My mother had passed away 2 years ago and my ex had been there through everything the funeral, the family get together, etc. She cared about me a lot and for those two years things were goods between us but I had changed after my mothers death. I became more depressed and not myself which in turn slowly made my ex not like me anymore. I was neglecting her, not going out on dates anymore, not texting her like I usually would and it just went all down hill from there. I had hurt her really bad because I was not giving her the attention that she wanted and I was just not myself anymore. She tried to fix it a lot of times but I was just so stubborn and did not want to change because of the depression I was going through and she could to take anymore of my emotional punches. So when college started she went to a different college than I did but we tried to remain in contact. But the same guy that was my old friend went to the same college as her and they became friends. Me knowing that made me depressed even more about everything and in turn we broke up and she went to him.

Now recently: After our break up she had told me that she needed time and space away from me and wanted me to do me and she wanted to do herself. During that time period I had went to a therapist got myself together and feel like my old-self again. I had sent her a hand written letter by me stating how i felt about her and that I appreciate her and that she is a gem. And also I said how I was an and was not myself during that time. She had texted me saying that she appreciates that and she's happy that I am doing good now for myself. 3 months had passed with very minimal contact or NC (with the letter in the middle of that), but my mothers death anniversary had passed (july 18th) and she had contacted me asking if I was alright and how I was doing. I said I'm doing good my family is here for me so things are looking good. And then I had asked to hang out but she said no because she believed that it would hurt me seeing her because she knows I am not over her and it would hurt my healing process. So I said okay, I need some space from you to get over you and hopefully we can be friends in the future. After about a week she contacted me again saying that she feels guilty of how she acted at the end of our relationship and how she was so nasty to me and inconsiderate. I said its okay it is in the past and we need to move forward from this. Then I asked her, why did she stop having feelings for me in the first place. Then she said would you like to hang out? And I said yeah sure so we did. (mind you she still has feelings for this other guy we both know and they went on a lot of dates by now). At dinner we talked about our families and what we have been up to and then our relationship had came up. She had told me that she still loves me a lot but she also has feelings for this other guy a lot. She also said she would want to give us another chance if this other guy was not in the picture , but he is, so she said that she cant just chose right away and she feels like she owes him something. I just said hope everything works out in our favor and i will be happy for you regardless of what you decide because she deserves to be happy. And the whole situation was just confusing for her and for me. Now she really wants to be friends with me, like she said she wants me in her life. And I told her that im sorry i cant be your friend because it will hurt me knowing that you like the other guy while being friends with me. It would just hurt me in the end if things do end up working out between you and the other guy. And she said she understands and she left the conversation off by saying that if I ever need anyone to talk to she will always be here and that if I ever want to be friends she will always be open to it and that she will always always love me. (Now i think she means the friend kind of love not the boyfriend kind of love, which im still confused about). But overall her birthday is coming up and I do not know if i should wish her at all. And if there are any tips on how to get over this please help.

She is my first love and I was her first love as well, I've known her since 7th grade, we started dating in 8th and officially broke up during the first year of college (which is when she started having a thing with one of my old friends who has been trying to get her since highschool but always said he "hated" her). We broke up a lot of times during the years of being together and had plenty of fights. But now it is for real, we still love eachother and are fully invested in eachothers families. Her parents love me a lot and she said that she doesn't know how she will bring another person to meet her parents because her parents will always compare that guy to me because they love me a lot. I just need help getting over this. It just sucks how she got over such a stong relationship so fast and to move on like that. She was there for me in my darkest times and its hard for me to move on.

Thank you for reading this. I am currently 19 and she will be turning 19 when her birthday comes around in August.

You asked for tips on how to get over this? Well, you already know the answer - no contact. You're taking a big risk opening yourself up and most likely getting hurt knowing her relationship may work out with the other guy. So, you should focus on healing yourself. I know this is not what you want to hear, but you have to look out for you. As for her birthday, I'd probably just send a quick birthday text then go back to NC.

Yes I agree with nihongo, going NC is the only way to heal yourself.

Don't wait for her, you deserve to be happy.

A Birthday text won't do any harm though, not too sentimental though. Just "Happy Birthday, enjoy your day" or something like that.

I am also on NC with my ex at the moment and it definitely hurts. I know how you feel.

Good luck!

Also, try these threads:

They have been helping me a lot.

Thank you vegancatlady, it is really hard. Especially because I know the guy she is after and I've known him since middle school as well. It just sucks how they both hated each other almost a year ago and now they have a connection. Just hurts that both of them would do that to me. And how she got over a 5+ year relationship so fast. But thank you it means a lot !

You are right nihongo, I just needed some reassurance because I truly do still like her a lot. But im just as confused as she is. Thank you for the advice it means a lot.

Well obviously being in a relationship with him is more important than being friends with me. Someone who literally despised you for over years in comparison to someone who had never stopped loving you. It shows where you motives and importance for people lie. I get that you like him but, I've I were you in your shoes I wouldn't/couldn't have gotten over a such a long relationship in matter of 2 months. I hope you know that if he were to ever leave, you will be in so much pain because you do not know what it is like to be single. And thats the difference between you and me i guess. I can be single and happy with myself and dont always have to be in a relationship. And please do not say that he has respect for me by not posting anything on social media to give things away. He is not very good at hiding it, and also if he truly had respect for me and my feelings as just a human, then he would not be in the picture at all. But it is also you that doesn't respect me for going to him after you have talked so much crap about him to me and how our relationship seems that it was always not satisfying to you. I feel as if i were lead on if you started to lose feelings in the middle of our relationship and i guess hats why you got over it so fast. It is just not fair on my part because of what i was going through and i have apologized for a fire that i did not mean to start. It clearly shows what type of person you are on the inside even though you might seem like a genuine person, you always be selfish with what you want and will always want t have everything your way. I hope everything works out between you and him and I am sorry that i could not give you what he has been giving you. I would love to give that to you now but you already have someone doing it which is why i guess you rather go to him now which is understandable. I pushed you to that state and it is my fault. Sorry and i Hope things ork out for you in the long run. I just cannot stand and wait for you as such as i would like to. I have been trough so much in my life and it is just not fair to me to sit there and watch my heart be torn to shreds. I need to move on in life and like others say, the reason some bad happens to you is to make room for something good to happen. I hope you are happy and I hope the best for you and him. Thank you for reading this.

You didn't send that, did you??

No @boltnrun I didn't, just needed some way to get my feelings out

That's actually a really good idea.

Thanks the whole situation just sucks, but got to move on !

Thanks the whole situation just sucks, but got to move on !

Well yeah, when the only other option is to wallow in sadness and misery, moving on is really the better choice.

UPDATE: She has just texted me saying that she was talking to the other guy and was telling him how she wants to be friends with me. And she said if I am okay with it and he is, she want wants to try to hang a little like every now and then. And then she said I could totally say no to her but she wants me in her life. What should I do?

UPDATE: She has just texted me saying that she was talking to the other guy and was telling him how she wants to be friends with me. And she said if I am okay with it and he is, she want wants to try to hang a little like every now and then. And then she said I could totally say no to her but she wants me in her life. What should I do?

Do you want to watch her making out with the other guy right in front of you? And then see her smirk with glee when she sees how upset it makes you?

Seriously???

This is very simple and very hard at the same time.

You two are eventually going to be friends. You two are woven into eachothers lives and right now its hard because it sounds like you two have a love for one another. I can tell you that this is the best thing to happen to you. She is going to be better as a friend to you than as an X. As a friend she can be in your life until the day you die. She can love you, support you, be there for you and care for you as a true friend. Be there when you are down and you can be there for her when she is down. But that is not going to happen until both of you heal from the relationship part. That will take time.

I personally would rather have her as a lifetime friend than as an X that I no longer talk to. Now eventually in time the wanting to be in a relationship with her will go away. She will meet someone and youll meet someone and when the relationship part fades out then you will be happy for her and she will be happy for you. Im thinking long term here, not just next week or next month.

But for now its going to be hard on you. You cant imagine her with another guy and I dont think she likes the thought of you with another girl but thats reality. You two were just meant to be great friends instead of being boyfriend and girlfriend. Now, no one can predict the future and who knows maybe in 10 yrs you two will say something different but for now, for today you have to let the relationship part fade. It seems like you two are on the right path for healing but just dont know how to get from relationshp to friends. Time will allow that path to open up. I know, Ive been there.

So you asked about right now, today.. what do you do? IF you want to be friends with her, great, but you can tell her that you just havent made the transition yet and thats going to take time. Give no time table because in reality it could take months or maybe a year so give no time table or promises. Be honest with her. Say that it hurts to think of her with another guy so you have to take time to heal and to understand. You two could be great friends in the future, but she needs to give it time. Now if you dont see being friends with her, then you dont have to be friends with her, there are no rules. You just have to do what is best for you.

I am not one who will always say no contact. maybe in your case very limited contact will work, but thats up to you. If you feel anxiety, stress or if your blood pressure goes up just thinking of talking to her then dont contact her. Never contact an X when you are low or down. Youll be okay, youll fall in love, have sex, kiss, hold hands again with another girl. Life moves on.. youll be just fine

@No1, you have no idea how much this has helped me. Thank you so much. I appreciate it a lot.

She had told me that she knows she likes this other guy but also will "always always always will love me". But yet she still chooses his presence over mine. She said that she doesn't think she has feelings for me but she knows she likes him right now. And she is just very confused. Can anyone tell me what is going through her head at the moment? I just hate how she ends every conversation by saying "I will always always love and care about you. And when you are ready to be friends, I will be here, and I don't care how long it takes. I just hope the best for you and I'm sorry that I've hurt you and I cannot give you the world." It just makes my feelings for her flood back into my mind.

Of course she did. Why? because this situation works out great for her. She's got the new guy and she wants you to be her friend. You could hang out and listen to how she is having sex with this guy and how amazing he is etc. Cool, huh?

She should not have the ability to text you if you are no contact and blocking her from everything. Then you wouldn't receive these mind-bending nonsense texts.

UPDATE: She has just texted me saying that she was talking to the other guy and was telling him how she wants to be friends with me. And she said if I am okay with it and he is, she want wants to try to hang a little like every now and then.

Yeah, don't allow yourself to be demoted to the friendzone. You are in no way, shape or form ready to be a platonic friend with this woman right now, so don't try. It'd be foolish and disastrous. Maybe down the road once you've recovered it'll be possible, but it isn't now.

Her sister has followed me on social media, should I block her as well?

Her sister has followed me on social media, should I block her as well?

Do you stalk her sister's social media looking for clues about what she's doing?

If so, yes, block her sister too.

Brother... one thing I have learned and its still very hard for me to do is accept the 'now'. The situation that is currently going on right now. Here is your situation. You are single.. Your X likes someone else. Your relationship is over.

If you can accept that, then most if not all questions you have are answered right there. You asked why she says things like that... The relationship is over.

Remember my last post? I said you two can be very good friends after your want for a relationship goes away. That want can take time to get rid of but it will eventually go away. Also, know that she does love you and does care for you, but doesnt want to be in a realtionship with you. It doesnt mean you are not worthy of being in a relationship, just means you are not going to be in a relationship with this girl. There are tons and tons of other girls out there and even tho you might not see it now, there is one out there (who is single) that is waiting for a guy like you. Youre a good guy, you care, you have a good heart but it just wasnt meant to be.

It hurts, I know.. time doesnt move fast enough and you wish it was already Feb 3rd so you can be healed but I cant make time go faster. So in the meantime, do what you want that makes you happy. Focus on you and youll be just fine

Yes, of course. Why would you want that connection, when the primary one is done?

Her sister has followed me on social media, should I block her as well?

No1, she had also said that she would give us anther shot if the other guy wasn't in the picture. he said it would be easier to like you and try again if he wasn't in the picture but he is. And that she feels as if she has an obligation towards him and that she does like him.

That's a really crappy thing to say. I don't know if she's deliberately being manipulative or not, but you need to take some time with no trace of this girl in your life.