Feel like im going mad, please help

Hello everyone,

I am pretty new to this asking for help business but I am really stuck in a muddle and could do with do some others opinions to help me know if I am the problem or he, I feel like I am going crazy. It’s a long story so bear with me if you have time.

So I met this guy on the internet coming up 2 years ago. When I met him he was the most sensitive and kind guy, something I had never experienced before, after dating for several weeks he took me to a castle and asked me to be his girlfriend. Again something I had never experienced before, I think men normally presume they have entered a relationship. Well with me any way. I am a 33 year old woman with no children.

He is a 32 year old man with one child.

He lives 2 hours from me and we make the effort to see each other every weekend, of which one day he has his child which I am absolutely fine with.

Where do I start, rows have continued to happen over I say the past 6 month and it’s almost a fight for who’s right.

My ex-boyfriend could be very cold and insensitive to any issue that I raise if I feel hurt or upset. The amount of scenarios I could give are unreal. Should I give some? I think I will so you can help me to decide:

*My step father is in hospital and I am upset and he tells me so he is not your dad, He choose to smoke that’s not your problem

* A friend of his who thinks its ok to cheat on his wife send him screen shots of women on facebook and he right underneath (mmmm) he see no sense in my upset

* My mother comes round to see us, he says hello and then does in another room to phone his mum for the whole duration and afterward when I raise the point says I’m not in relationship with your mother.

* I booked tickets to the circus (a very famous one) for Christmas and when the time came he made a big song and dance about him having his child for the day and he would meet me there. I said no and that the plan was we go for dinner with my mum and bf and all together, it was a pretty far drive and I was not sure of the route. He chooses not to come. He told me his child was his priority which I totally understand, I would never let him loose time with his child but i was talking about him dropping him off one hour earlier so he could come with us.

You see they generally are petty things but the fact he has no compassion gets me on a line.

The most recent deal breaker was that I have broken my knee and can’t make the activities we normally make for a few months but he decides to go ahead and make them without me on the one day we spend together, again he sees no compassion that I may be upset about this. Instead he tells me im crazy, I have no balance or stability in my life. My response is that even if he asked me maybe I would of said fine go but the fact that he made the plan without any consideration. His answer, so you cant control me or my life. Which is far what I was trying to do. I simply asked if we could do something else instead so that I could come.

I have told him if he really thinks all of the above of me then this cant continue, I don’t want to be with someone who thinks there GF is controlling, well of course he told me this is the End and there has been no contact since. (5 days ago)

I know writing this we have made the best choice by breaking up but in my head I don’t think its for the best and I still love and yearn for him. I made my life his everywhere I look he is still here.

This is pretty short so if anyone is wanting to give me there opinion and ask me any questions please do.

Tonight I will be doing the usual post break up, bath, chocolate and pjs (and waiting to see if anyone can help me suss this out)

Thanks in advance.

This guy is bad news. No compassion. No respect. You definitely made the right choice. Go ahead and eat all the chocolate you want. Just don't go back to him, whatever you do.

When you have spent two years with someone, it's going to be an adjustment for a while. Just take care of yourself and don't jump into anything else too quickly. It does sound to me like the situation wasn't making either of you happy anymore.

thank you for both of your replies, my post may seem quite calm but I am quietly very hurt.

The be all and end all is that really deep down he is a lovely guy we just didnt ever have the same view on anything which is also fine but I think compassion comes as standard but not fir him and I just cant deal with that.

unfortunately it sounds like this incompatibility with communication, schedules and compassion needs has been building for a while. In away it's good you brought it to a head because it seems an impasse was developing. It will take time to process. Has he tried contacting you? Have you ever had an argument this bad before?

I have told him if he really thinks all of the above of me then this cant continue, I don’t want to be with someone who thinks there GF is controlling, well of course he told me this is the End

Hi Wiseman, Yes unfortunatley we have. There is so many things I could tell you and ask for your opinion but I know that its always a different scenario but with the same outcome. He is dismissive of everything that makes me feel bad. He goes on auto protect and the outcome is always the same that I am crazy and without balance.

Its really hard to explain on here but im feeling like a really bad person when I know im not.

There has been no contact for 5 days, I decided to contact him today and his answer was pretty much move on, im with my family and my son, stop being so dramatic and get on with your life. Problem is I invested so much of myself into him my life became him. Now im sitting here alone whilst his life continues as normal.

Very insightful choice of words. He may have too much drama in his own life with his kid, custody, ex, etc. and this may explain his low threshold for anything adding to that, that he perceives as drama. At this point try to stay no contact. It's doubtful he moved on without emotion, it sounds more like he is in robot mode.

Actually from everything we encounter there is something to glean and this auto-protect, robot mode may not be such a bad idea to incorporate when you need strong emotional boundaries. That is not to say lack compassion or empathy but at times someone's emotions or problems can inadvertently drain us when we are dealing with too much of our own stuff. That is when we need to decide how much and how important something really is, relative to what we can deal with at the time.

He goes on auto protect

Honestly, this guy is sounds like he's one of those people who "prides" themselves on not having empathy. They actually think it's a badge of honor to be "tough" "hardcore" "I'm out for number one, and if you don't like it you can stick it, crybaby." And all too often it's true, they really just don't give a crap about other people. On the more benevolent end of the things this person makes for a crap friend or loved one. On the far end of crazy of the scale they become a sociopath or worse.

Yeah, trying to have a normal relationship with one of these guys or gals is a bit like trying to keep feeding a dog and having it as a pet that bites you all the time. After awhile you just have to say, "I'm tired of getting chunks taken out of me and you know what? I'm done."

And the reason you feel guilty is because he's been gaslighting you that this sort of behavior is "normal" and I suppose it is to certain no empathy/sociopathic/narcissistic types. Not saying he's one of those, I'm not a professional therapist anything, but he definitely displays some pretty alarming characteristics there.

I'm including a link to an article titled " You're Not Going Crazy, How Gaslilighting Erodes Your Sanity" by Alethia Luna. Read it, I think you'll find it very eye opening and pretty much what's been going on.

Anyways I say good on ending things, now don't let him hoover you back in. I actually flinched over his remark about your stepdad and thought, "Did he really just tell her that about someone she cares who's in the hospital?" I mean, cold is one thing, but that was a deliberate low blow to the kidneys.

You are far better off to cut this off before it escalates to worse, and escalate it will. Read the article, I think it will be very enlightening and hopefully you'll learn how to screen out people like this better. Good luck, what hurts now is just the end of hope it would all work out, but I think as you get some distance you'll start to see things much clearer and wonder why you didn't walk away before.

@wiseman2 Thank you for your reply, I can assure you that he has 0% drama in his life, he can pick his child up as and when he pleases, his own mother cooks and cleans after him. He is very involved with his sports and that comes first before anything. These are extreme sports by the way of which I have taken part in. The recent damage to my knee has not allowed me to do this and that Sunday he just went ahead and made his plan and expected me to be ok with this, well I was not as we live so far away from each other I appreciate out time together as its so little. His response is its just never enough what I do for you is it. its always the same battle for the fight to be right. I honestly thought he would back down and say ok babe no worries lets do this instead but this proves everything after 2 years. Im sorry I gave so much of myself.

@ParisPaulette again thank you so much for your reply, I have been doing a lot of reading these past days and it comes down that I am a caregiver and he is a dissmissant. I will read that right now. I am not saying I am perfect but I do perfectly adapt for other and try to treat others how I would like to be treated.

I am torn up right now as saw my whole life with him but I know life goes on and I will move on and be stronger and better

Hi Again,

I read the article, some things I can apply. I just know that I am a caregiver and he is not. quite hard to explain on here the type of man he is. He grew up a loner, his child is cold and not loving and although there is a lot of love in the father and son relationship he doesn't come across like other dads i know.

One thing I did pick up from the article is this While it is true that in some situations we genuinely might be overreacting, or might genuinely be exhibiting irrational behaviour,

I cant keep feeling that it is me that over reacts and if I really loved him surely I would just accept him for how he is and not pipe up all the time or even have an opinion, he tells me this is not love, Love is letting some live freely to their own free will and not making them do anything they do not wish. In my eyes its about compromise.

Love is letting some live freely to their own free will and not making them do anything they do not wish.

I strongly disagree.

I disagree with that as well. Love is the two of you having common core values and behaviors and being able to agree on those. Love, really good healthy love, isn't a hard thing. You don't find yourself disagreeing all the time and fighting or arguing or just feeling crappy.

This is something people tend to forget, but the fact is the above statement is fine if someone sane makes it. But it can, and I've actually had something similar used on me by a cheater, it can be used to excuse all sorts of behaviors that actually are harmful to a relationship. "Hey, if you really loved and accepted me you'd be totally cool with my sleeping with other women. But you can't sleep with other men, that would hurt me." "Yeah, I know you don't like me hitting the bar every night, BUT if you really loved me you'd let me do this..."

Nope. Now it is true though you should either accept your partner at full face value and if you see something you don't like or they are not compatible with you or something is a deal breaker you should just leave. Trying to wish or pressure someone to change IS a waste of time, both of yours.

And if you believe you were part of the problem then now is a good opportunity to take an inventory of why you were willing to stay in a relationship that brought that out in you.

Bottom line, if you don't find yourself compatible and able to spend most of your time enjoying each other's company then something is wrong regardless of what it is. But me, yeah I would just personally have a real problem with someone belittling a family member's problems. My family is important to me, people don't get to say, "Well, that's on them, so what?"

But that's my standard.

P.S. Caregiving is great for being a mom or dad. But to be a caregiver to your partner? Yeah, now you're taking on the role of a mom or dad to a grown person who should be past the need to have "caregiving" and that usually pretty much kills any sexual energy two people share. You shouldn't have to be the caregiver to a partner, you should be an equal partner. And there is a difference, a big one.

Hi,

This is the thing he says that I make love to difficult, too complicated that it should be free will and not hold any partner back. In my eyes I do not do that but If I am not happy with a situation for example him making a plan to go somewhere that I cant come on our only full day together I feel I have a right to an opinion, he says yes and I respect your opinion and but goes ahead and does it anyway.

I have had to get some help with me anger something he asked me to do because I would get so wound up over his answers to me it would make me irate, the last time he broke his arm and I was taking care of him, we had a bit of a fall out over the shopping as he wouldn't help me decide what to buy but I think any in normal relationship things like this would blow over pretty easy, instead because I told him im not his mum i.e I dont have all day everyday to stay around cooking for him then he igonred me for 2 days, the atmosphere in the house was awful, I came home one night and thought something has got to give so I will be an adult about this. So I cooked us a really nice dinner. As soon as I came home from work he took himself to the bedroom and was just laughing a stupid Youtube videos for 2 hours. I went in once dinner was ready and told him I had cooked for us and he just looked at me cold and said you are not my mother I can make my own food. I asked him if that was really going to be his answer like really? and he said yes so I just flew at him, his clothes everything was out the wardrobe, what did he do but pick up his bags and put his stuff in there so it continued and I slapped him across the head, I felt like I could of smashed the whole house up. At that point he said he couldn't be with me because of my anger issue and he didn't want that in his life. We said one last go and he agreed that he would be more sensitive.

This was the last bad argument and like I said ive since been to try and get help with my anger BUT and its a big BUT no one has brought this anger out in me before, not anyone. Im angry again, I am having bad thoughts about myself and really cant see my life without him. We made some many activities together he is a real adventurer and showed me places most people will not ever see. Now im left with nothing. My life became his. I work all week and come home to my dog but at weekend I would travel to his house or he would come here.

Now im just left feeling empty and he will and is continuing like nothing has happened.

When I talk about the care giving I dont mean like his mother, I mean just like I am a giving type of person, emotional and compassionate for others this article explained it well to me

Dismissives will learn to get their needs for attention, sex, and community met through less demanding partners who fail to require real reciprocation or intimacy (often the anxious-preoccupied!):

The dismissive-avoidant individuals (who we will call Dismissives) have completed a mental transformation that says: “I am good, I don’t need others, and they aren’t really important to me. I am fine as I am.

I want to take the time to thank you for writing to me as it is really helping my mental state. Part of me wants to work this out with him and go back to "normal" maybe I am the one who needs to change my dependency on him, but the other part of me think no, you are you are and he should accept that, but that leaves me thinking shouldnt I be accepting him.

One very confused lady!

Well, I don't know of most people who wouldn't have a problem with the person who claims to be their partner making other plans on their only day together that don't include their partner.

That's just weird. I get it if you've all been together years, and you each have something that day. But my husband and I, having gone through this with other partners, make it a point to spend our time together as much as possible when we have free time. Too often we don't, he travels for work, so our time is precious together.

And we treat it as such and make that time for each other as a priority.

That said though, look it just sounds like you both have very, very different priorities and love styles. A woman who doesn't really care as much, who needs a lot of alone time, would likely be delighted with this fellow. "You want to go somewhere instead of be under foot on my day off? Hooray!"

But that isn't you. And this is where you need to ask yourself the really hard questions of why you're after someone who can't and won't give you what you need in a relationship. The fact is love alone isn't enough to make a relationship work. You need to be compatible, you need to enjoy each other's company, and to be able to work through differences.

And if you can't all the jamming a square peg into a round hole is going to get you nowhere.

Up to you, but if it was me I'd just be accepting that did not work out, can't work out actually since it takes two to try, not one making all the demands on the other with no compromise. If he were saying, 'Okay, I can't do that, but this is what I can do..." I would tell you to maybe work it out. But he's not, and a full-grown adult gets set in their ways. If his way is always "My way" then that's who he is and always will be. If he hasn't changed that yet for you, he never will.

And I'm telling you all this, because I was that person who was convinced Love changes people, that if only I loved someone hard enough they'd change for me. Hoo boy did I have that wrong. And it was kind of a bad thing, because at the end of the day no I wasn't accepting the person in front of me. And worse, I wasn't accepting that I should have a voice too in the relationship and that if it wasn't what I needed, if the person couldn't be who I needed, then maybe I should just end off and keep looking until I found someone I was compatible with.

That's what I did and it finally worked. Not to say I didn't spend time alone, because yeah I did. But my life was still easier and less stressful and I stopped getting hurt when I simply took people for who they are, not who I thought they could or should be.

When it comes to breakups, it makes no sense to toil over who was more 'wrong'. No matter how you slice it, you were both wrong for one another, and you'll each be right for someone else who is more compatible.

If it would make you feel better to hear what a jerk he was, that's understandable, and we can all do that. But focusing there deprives you of valuable information: why would you want to stay involved with a jerk?

If you want to defend wanting to stay with him, you can do that, but what does that buy you in self assurances that you won't just set yourself up to be at the mercy of the next guy who will mistreat you?

So the only productive discussion to have with yourself after a breakup is not about blame, but an honest evaluation of what you got out of the deal, what price you paid to get it, and how you can teach yourself how to get your needs met in ways that won't cost you so much misery in the future.

From there you can build confidence in you ability to walk away from jerks in the future, or even better, to identify them early and avoid dating them in the first place.

Head high.

Things sound pretty much cut and dried, black and white, and no leeway or sympathy for anyone outside his family. His caring doesnt extend to you or to anyone in your family because he is not dating them, he is dating you. I am not like this, but I can see how he is like this. If he doesnt have to care about others then he doesnt worry about others. He doesnt involve himself in anyone elses affairs. Its who he is and he is not going to change for you or for anyone.

You cant take his personality personally. It doesnt matter if you were betty or susan, he is going to treat every girlfriend and their families the same.

You decided that you dont need this type of guy in your life and you have to be given credit for breaking up with him. A lot of people would of not done so but you did. So good for you..