I became engaged with a girl who calls herself a "free spirit"......need clarity

I met a wonderful and bright girl 3.5 years ago and she by far stole my heart. She is appositely beautiful, funny, intelligent and outgoing. She is 36 years old and is the love of my life. She is a traveler and likes to experience new things all the time.

I am what she calls a square type person. I am a cop and traditional in some cases. I have learned to go with the flow with her and I do except certain things she likes which we learned to agree on. I have two children one in the Army and one is 14 years old which I have full custody of.

In the past year we have gone through a really rough time, but seem to continue to try to work it out. I have researched what it is to be a free spirit but do not agree on certain things she calls free spirit-ness.

I am asking for help understanding if Im wrong or am I looking at this the wrong way.

I have noticed that she is very inappropriate at times with the opposite sex and she is a dirty fighter. Example. I took her to a concert with some work friends which she never met. During the concert I seen her speaking with a sergeant friend of mine. The next thing I see is that she sat on his lap and put her arms around him in order to take a picture. His face was priceless, but I felt very uncomfortable with that and thought it was not appropriate for her to do. I addressed it with her at a later point and she said that I was just insecure and controlling. I tried to explain to her that even if she did not have a sexual intent that it did not look right and was embarrassing. If we go to clubs she always finds her way to be around men and would leave me by myself while she talks and mingles. We have argued about a male friend of hers that is a single man and what I feel is disrespectful to not only her but to me as well. He would invite her away for the weekend to a lake on his boat or the beach to stay in a hotel just the two of them. I told her this was not a case of mistrust on my part, but of case of inappropriateness if she accepted because she is not a single woman. I tried to explain that would put her in a possible relationship ending position. Being alone with the opposite sex, while drinking and partying could lead into anything happening. And since we lived together that would leave me sitting at home wondering and waiting for her to return. Those are really basic examples. One time she invited me to dinner with some work friends of hers. This was the first time I met them. While having dinner one of the guys (which was a gay couple) asked me to give his 21 year old nephew advise on getting a girlfriend. After I told him a few things she looked at me and stated “I know you wont like this but whatever”, and told him in front of everyone “your young and a red head. My brothers are redheads and they are good with the ladies. Im sure your working with a really good package down there and will make a girl really happy one day”. I was embarrassed to say the least and upset. I tried to address it with her but again I needed to lighten up.

And during agreements she always curses and calls me names like d-bag, , , good for nothing man, so on and so on. Then she would say that I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. She has changed how I act around her and I don’t even want to go out in public with her because she does not represent our relationship well.

This relationships she has with men and the way she acts and is not able to control her drinking and appropriateness has nothing to do with being a free spirit it basically has everything to do with her having respect for me and herself.

Its crazy what I have accepted from her in the name of love. But I feel I cant do it anymore no matter how I feel for her. can anyone step in and tell me what they think.

I do not think I am controlling person, but I would like respect. She wants to be with me and wants me to invest in her with marriage and property, but she refuses to change.

Carcord:

The excessive drinking seems to be at the heart of this matter. Alcohol lowers the inhibitions and all to often people make right exhibitions of themselves when drunk.

Does she also engage in the behaviour you describe when she is cold sober?

Just to add, from what you say OP, that she is a little short on the social graces.....

She is being very immature and disrespectful of your relationship, and has been manipulating you to deflect blame. But thing is, you've been putting up with her behavior for 3.5 years and even proposed to her. What has changed your mind? Did you expect her to change? That's not going to happen. You've told her how you feel and she is dismissive of you. So it seems to me you can either accept it, or move on.

not as much, but still does.

being disrespectful with the type of words that comes out of her mouth happens at anytime.

You've been with her for 3.5 years. What more clarity do you need about her - you know how she acts and you have decided to become engaged to her anyway.

Never get with someone who makes you feel devalued, never get with someone you see as a fixer upper.

She is easily dismissive as well. When ever presented with something she does not want to hear she acts out even more or does not even engage.....

No boundaries does not equal free spirit. She sounds like the life of the party, a loose canon and a huge flirt. This may be the other side of the coin you are so attracted to. Unfortunately she's not going to change or settle down because she's having too much fun.

is not able to control her drinking and appropriateness

Not looking good, is it, Carcord?

You can do better.....

we were engaged after only 1.5 years being together. I then started to see this behavior and have pushed back the wedding......now I just feel stuck because im in love. she has almost convinced me that I am looking at this the wrong way or that Im just a controlling person......

Wait, you remained with this person for 3.5 years? Forget about her, you need to take a look at yourself in the mirror.

My red flag bell is going insane, where do I start.

First, based on what you said above. This lady is NOT a long term relationship material. Not even close. I wouldn't even consider dating such person....forget about getting into relationship with them.

Red flag #1

Inappropriate and disrespectful behavior around opposite sex

Red Flag #2

Close contact/friends with opposite sex. This lady must be really naive.....come on now. No man will be her friend unless they want her.

Red Flag #3

Alcohol.I like what JMan said in one of his posts. "I trust people but I don't trust alcohol". It lowers your inhibition and makes you careless. Add opposite sex to the equation and you are on a slippery slope.

Red Flag #4

Gets fits like a little kid when confronted. Curses and calls name like a spoiled brat. That is NOT mature nor adult like.

Red Flag #5

Labels - Free spirit? Let me tell you exactly what that means. Free spirit "I do what I want when I want" as in, no rules for me buddy. When people apply labels on things, the refuse and often overlook the DETAILS. And devil is in the details hehe. Free sprit is BROAD label and based on her actions it simply means "don't even THINK about applying any rules".

Honestly, I can keep going. Above should be enough to tell you to get the hell out of there.

There is also # of red flags for you......so right off the bat I suggest you pick up 5 love languages and read it few times/study it. 1.5 years into relationship and making life decisions? During honeymoon phase?HUGE mistake (and one of the red flags).

YOU DO NOT WANT THIS LONG TERM.

Also, defines CLEARLY your boundaries and rules for your next relationship. This is important. What are you willing to accept and not accept. Don't worry, most people make this mistake.

In my relationship for example (20 years of happy marriage), we have have "no opposite sex friends" rule. when I say friend, I means someone close/special....not what most people consider "friend" or facebook friend (you know, people you never meet, spend time with or even know) hehe

# of reasons for this.

1) experience with us and what we have seen with other couples....over and over again.

2) human nature - whenever you have 2 member of opposite sex spending time together, EVEN if there is no attraction, FEELINGS will develop, by default. Just how it is.

3) Most relationship experts recommend it.

4) it's inappropriate and disrespectful towards your relationship

there is many more....you get the point.

Read this, we go by it!

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My best advice, disengage from this person ASAP. Go no contact/block her and get her out of your life. You will need good 3-6 months (possibly more) to heal/recover and reflect on yourself. So you can address yourself and figure out what went wrong. ANY contact with her resets this time, so don't do it. And stay away from opposite sex during that time.

Also, do yourself a favor and get a STD test asap. Just for a piece of mind. This person seems reckless, inconsiderate and careless.

Good luck

I did expect her to change somewhat. be wild and crazy with me. I listened to her. she told me she was tired of what her life was and wanted to settle down and be more committed.

Carcord:

Wedding!!! Are you out of your mind

You even say:

"I don’t even want to go out in public with her because she does not represent our relationship well. "

Leaving aside her drink problem, she seems a bit unhinged, there may well be an underlying personality issue, and all in all not a good prospect for the long haul.

Imagine what your life would be like at the side of someone like that....

In her case the "free spirit" stuff = flakiness. Also, she is 36, not 17!! But, there she is: a teen archetype.

......now I just feel stuck because im in love. she has almost convinced me that I am looking at this the wrong way or that Im just a controlling person......

That's called gaslighting. She is refusing to accept responsibility or blame, so she is twisting to make you think YOU are just being unreasonable and crazy, when you aren't. You thought you could change her, and she would settle down with you. Well, you were wrong. So what more do you want? How much longer are going to put up with all this? It ends when you break up with her and go NC. Until then, have fun.

I did expect her to change somewhat. be wild and crazy with me. I listened to her. she told me she was tired of what her life was and wanted to settle down and be more committed.

She lied (based on her current actions).

Remember, what people say and what people do are often on completely different galaxies. Take it with a grain of salt, actually remember what people say and watch what they do cause often that will tell you EXACTLY what kind of a person they are (great little in your head test, works wonders for me).

90% of people I meet are full of shhhhhhheeeeeet, and that's a low estimate hehe

thank you Dof......I have recently purchased all of the boundaries books along with change your words change your life, safe people, and battlefield of the mind. I know I have a self esteem issue now and have a lack of boundaries for myself.

So, let's re-wind:

"She is 36 years old and is the love of my life. She is a traveler and likes to experience new things all the time. "

What exactly do you love about this woman? What does she bring to your life?

As for being a traveller, many people are travellers and experience new things. Doesn't mean they are totally flaky.

what can I say without sounding crazy......when its good its great.

she is very smart and caring at times. and in the beginning she saved me. I was married for 15 years before her. I was single after the end with my exwife for 3 years until I met her. I have never been treated as special as she treated me or made to feel what I felt with her.

I guess I just have held on to that for a long time and have hoped for it again. and I must admit my sin or being vain. she is the most beautiful girl I have ever been with (although I have only been in two relationship and just turned 39)

what can I say without sounding crazy......when its good its great.

 

she is very smart and caring at times. and in the beginning she saved me. I was married for 15 years before her. I was single after the end with my exwife for 3 years until I met her. I have never been treated as special as she treated me or made to feel what I felt with her.

 

 

I guess I just have held on to that for a long time and have hoped for it again.

Next time you go shopping, shop around for the best item you can purchase. Not buy the FIRST item in the FIRST store (unless it's really good). Blame it on shopping instinct and desperation.

Oh boy Carcord.

"I have never been treated as special as she treated me or made to feel what I felt with her. "

"in the beginning she saved me."

This kind of "artist" is so expert on mirroring, on making you feel "special", all of which is an act. They can read you like a book, and know very precisely what to provide at that given time. Then you get reeled in.

Only you can make you feel special Carcord.

So, bottom line, Carcord. What are you going to do?

what can I say without sounding crazy......when its good its great.

 

she is very smart and caring at times. and in the beginning she saved me. I was married for 15 years before her. I was single after the end with my exwife for 3 years until I met her. I have never been treated as special as she treated me or made to feel what I felt with her. I guess I just have held on to that for a long time and have hoped for it again.

The key is that this all in the past tense. Even psychos know how to draw you in during the honeymoon phase, or they'd never be able to be with anybody at all. And no, she didn't literally save you. That's just what you've been telling yourself as an excuse to stay and put up with her bull so you don't have to start the dating process over.

Carcord. Please re-read this:

"If we go to clubs she always finds her way to be around men and would leave me by myself while she talks and mingles. We have argued about a male friend of hers that is a single man and what I feel is disrespectful to not only her but to me as well. He would invite her away for the weekend to a lake on his boat or the beach to stay in a hotel just the two of them."

And you were contemplating a wedding!!

lol........

I have no choice but to end it......at the end of the day if I have to question and asked people their advise then it isn't right. and I actually use to walk around and I felt proud of who I was and now I feel defeated all the time. my 14 year old does not even like her anymore. in short thank you to everyone for taking the time to speak to me about this.

I am going to end it.......its going to be hard as hell. I haven't done it and already my chest is tight. but I know it needs to be done.

I have no choice but to end it......at the end of the day if I have to question and asked people their advise then it isn't right. and I actually use to walk around and I felt proud of who I was and now I feel defeated all the time. my 14 year old does not even like her anymore. in short thank you to everyone for taking the time to speak to me about this.

 

I am going to end it.......its going to be hard as hell. I haven't done it and already my chest is tight. but I know it needs to be done.

WHOLE lot of smart reasoning in this post.

No emotion

ALWAYS separate reason from emotion and don;'t let emotion make decisions for you. It will steer you in the wrong direction!

Good luck. Don't think of this as a great big ending, think of it as a great new beggining!!! Cause that is exactly what this is (everyone agrees)

Carcord. Please re-read this:

 

"If we go to clubs she always finds her way to be around men and would leave me by myself while she talks and mingles. We have argued about a male friend of hers that is a single man and what I feel is disrespectful to not only her but to me as well. He would invite her away for the weekend to a lake on his boat or the beach to stay in a hotel just the two of them."

 

And you were contemplating a wedding!!

STD test FOR SURE

This lady is eating your cake, that guys cake and EVERYONE'S cake.

Since I've been in this place, i've never heard/seen anyone's significant other be as far away from long term relationship material as your girl.

She gets the DoF award.

Run forest, RUN