The burden is too heavy.

Hello all. I'm new here. I don't want to overload you with details, but a little is necessary for context..

I have been with my now husband for 3 years. We married in December. I really didn't want to marry him, but I had begun having debilitating panic attacks (sometimes I was in a state of complete panic for days at a time) regularly, and I had no health insurance. He kept telling me to marry him so I could have health insurance, and he actually became really angry at me because I kept thinking I was having heart attacks and going to the ER, and I was really racking bills up. I've never had anxiety or depression in my life.

The first two years I was with him, things were great. I prided myself on the fact we only argued three times, max, a year. A year ago, we went to get custody of his children (I have no children of my own, and I don't really like children, to be honest). Since then, it has been downhill.

His children have been traumatized. I finished potty training the youngest one right before his seventh birthday. They have been abused, they were put in dog crates, choked, hit, fed dog food, they lived in a shack and showered in the rain. Because of these things, they have a lot of emotional issues. I had to teach them both (7 & 9) how to read, write, do basic arithmetic, etc. Their mother is useless. Although I don't like children, I saw that they were hurting, and I tried to help. They are both very abusive to other children, they have done sexual things with other children.. I don't want to go into too much detail about all of it, but it's really bad. This is our second time involved in a CPS case because the children go to school and lie and say we beat them. I'm terrified I will lose my freedom. They are both in counseling and things seem to be getting a little better, but it has taken its toll on me.

My life has been completely miserable. I stopped working, I stopped going to school. My husband began going to school. I am not the "domesticated" type, and yet he brags to his friends that his wife does the "wife" stuff. Cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids. He does not want me to get a job. I sold my car to pay our rent, and we moved to the country. I have no friends, I live in the middle of nowhere with no way to go do anything for myself.

It has taken six months for me to heal somewhat. I have roughly one panic attack a month, I no longer think about killing myself, I have managed to continue to exercise regularly throughout all of this..

I am not in love with my husband anymore. Today, he has been violently ill. He's throwing up, diarrhea, passing out.. I offered to take him to the hospital but he refused. I got him a cup of water and then I immediately grabbed Clorox wipes and started sanitizing the house because I don't want to get sick. Normally, I am a very selfless woman, and catching germs would be the last thing on my mind. I do not care that he is in pain, I am actually aggravated by it, because it allows him to continue to lay around the house and do nothing (he goes to school all day, sometimes 14 hours a day, and I watch the children and cook, clean, etc. he does nothing besides school). For the last year, he has had sex with me 3 times. I would cry to him about how deprived I felt, how I felt like he wasn't attracted to me, how he didn't love me.. He would have a five minute quickie with me to shut me up and then it would go back to 4-5 months without sex. Now, he wants to start having sex, and I refuse. I no longer want to have any physical contact with him, when he says he loves me I rarely return the gesture, I resent his children and I resent him. I am miserable. The only reason I haven't left is because I went from being the "breadwinner" in our relationship to having to ask to borrow five dollars. I have nothing. I have two dogs that piss themselves when he touches them, and I refuse to leave them behind. I do feel bad for his children and I don't want to leave them with him (he has PTSD and TBI and he is very quick to anger- he doesn't hit them but he does scream and that's traumatizing in itself). I believe he has inflicted his PTSD on me. If a door slams, I jump out of my skin. I cannot handle loud music, I can't be around people anymore, I am terrified all of the time. I want out but I have no idea what to do. I'm not even sure what I'm asking from you all. Am I being unreasonable? He doesn't cheat on me, he doesn't hit me, but he does mentally abuse me. I'm sorry to burden you with such a long forum entry. Thank you for reading.

You need to begin planning financial independence and seek employment, especially with health insurance. Also consult an attorney regarding divorce proceedings.

I have been with my now husband for 3 years. We married in December. I really didn't want to marry him. He kept telling me to marry him so I could have health insurance. I am not in love with my husband anymore. I resent him. I am miserable. The only reason I haven't left is I have nothing.

I guess it's also worth mentioning that I'm 26.

Thank you. I have begun searching for a job but it's hard because he's at school while his kids are home so I'd have to apply saying I can only work certain hours, and I have no vehicle. It's a 10 mile walk to the nearest gas station.

You need to begin planning financial independence and seek employment, especially with health insurance. Also consult an attorney regarding divorce proceedings.

Thank you. I have begun searching for a job but it's hard because he's at school while his kids are home so I'd have to apply saying I can only work certain hours, and I have no vehicle. It's a 10 mile walk to the nearest gas station.

See an attorney about divorce and your rights. His children are his and their mother's responsibility.

I have begun searching for a job but it's hard because he's at school while his kids are home

See an attorney about divorce and your rights. His children are his and their mother's responsibility.

I really don't feel like it's that simple yet. How do I pay for an attorney? How do I get to an attorney? Where do I live?

Co Dependence = no freedom and being controlled by others

You might have not "really wanted" to marry him, but you did, cause it seemed appealing at the time.....blame it on laziness and comfort.

Time to change. Work towards becoming a better person and changing. And rely on NO ONE but yourself!

Time to put on the big girl pants. You cannot blame ANYONE but yourself for your choices and decisions you made. So focus on YOURSELF and blame YOURSELF only.

When you file for divorce, your spouse may have to pay the legal fees if you are insolvent/a homemaker. Look online or in the phone book...many have free consultations. If he keeps you in the house with no car so that you are trapped call a domestic violence agency. Yes, it is that simple but you must take action.

How do I pay for an attorney? How do I get to an attorney?

Are you in the US? A women's and children's shelter would likely grant you a place to live while you figured out how to get on your feet, and would even help you with setting up a resume, the application process, transportation, etc. (At least the one where I volunteer is willing to do this sort of thing when needed - they may not all be this way, but it doesn't hurt to ask.)

As harsh as it sounds, other people are right: the children are his responsibility, and he will need to make the necessary arrangements for their care in your absence. That's not to say that you should just bolt one day when you're at home with them, but you are not responsible for taking them with you or anything beyond making sure that AT THE TIME you leave, they are being cared for/supervised.

I normally don't recommend this, but you sound like you're in a horrible situation. Do you have a parent, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, grand parent or even an old friend you can go to until you get one your feet? Even if they live in another state (if you're in the USA)? This is a very bad situation for you. Forget the lawyer - just bail. Get out of there. How do you leave? Get someone to pick you up and get you out of there. Go to a woman's shelter. You have a computer and internet access so use it to find one.

It's easy to see why he wanted to get married. Unfortunately it doesn't appear he really cared who he married just as long as he had someone to cook, clean and take care of his psycho kids.

Ugh... Nothing like living in a real nightmare.

I normally don't recommend this, but you sound like you're in a horrible situation. Do you have a parent, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, grand parent or even an old friend you can go to until you get one your feet? Even if they live in another state (if you're in the USA)? This is a very bad situation for you.

I was wondering the same thing. Surely you've made some connections with some person prior to getting together with your husband?

Does he let you use the car when he's home? What do you do while the kids are in school each day?

Oh my goodness! Just read your post, SOOO! Much going on and I think you need to take a step back and think about what it is you want. Make a list of all the pros and cons. Sounds silly, but it will clarify for you, more than you think. Once you have done that, it's time to get yourself some support, as there is an awful lot going on in your life that needs addressing.

Christina

I do have my grandparents, and they've offered me a place to stay, but I can't bring my dogs. I know my dogs lives pale in comparison to my own, but they're my only friends, and they're terrified of him. They won't even go outside with him. I live in the middle of nowhere. I usually just lift weights in my garage, clean, cook.. While the kids are at school. For about 9 months I was so suicidal and anxious that I didn't even know who or where I was. He would scream at me because I didn't want to take medication, "GO BE F*%KING CRAZY SOMEWHERE ELSE!" I stopped taking the medication anyways, and he started taking an antidepressant. Surprise, surprise. My anxiety is cut to about 25% of my life now. I'm not trying to play the victim, but his illness has bled into my life and consumed me. He would always say that I was too nice, too naive, I loved too much, the world was going to eat me alive.

In the end, he's the only one whose tried to destroy me.

I know in my heart what is right.. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable

It is a nightmare. It's really crappy because I loved him so much.. He had nothing when we got together, and I dragged him out of debt. I've sacrificed everything for him, and that's my stupidity. Now he has good income, a huge house, his two kids back and he's getting a degree. And all I have is a miserable life 😔

Put your energy into extricating yourself from there...take your dogs and run.

In the end, he's the only one whose tried to destroy me.

Both of these children's parents belong in prison and you need to get the hell out. As much as you have suffered I cannot believe the suffering of those children . Both of their parents belong in prison.

He wasn't present in their lives until a year ago due to deployments. Their mother and stepfather abused them. He is still not much of a father as far as being emotionally present, so I have taken on most of the load.

Put your energy into extricating yourself from there...take your dogs and run.

Yes, I'll just have to save some money to be able to go somewhere with them 😔 It's really hard to not tell him how I feel because I am afraid to tell him I don't love him.

They are still his responsibility deployed or not. He had to know who and what he had children with. Being deployed does not excuse you of your responsibilities at home . My husband is military and he would never allow himself to be deployed if his son was in anyway being abused or potentially abused.

Don't tell him anything. Act just same ol'-same ol'. You should plan your departure covertly. Abuse gets much worse with announcements about leaving. Do contact a domestic abuse place rather than make excuses why you can't leave. They will help you with everything, including financially and provide useful info.

Yes, I'll just have to save some money to be able to go somewhere with them 😔 It's really hard to not tell him how I feel because I am afraid to tell him I don't love him.

They are still his responsibility deployed or not. He had to know who and what he had children with. Being deployed does not excuse you of your responsibilities at home . My husband is military and he would never allow himself to be deployed if his son was in anyway being abused or potentially abused.

We obviously were not aware. He was sending 1500$ a month and when we got the boys they didn't even have socks or underwear. Yes, he should have been present more, but she would not even let him speak to them except two or three times a year. We had to find her. This post isn't about that story though.

Don't tell him anything. Act just same ol'-same ol'. You should plan your departure covertly. Abuse gets much worse with announcements about leaving. Do contact a domestic abuse place rather than make excuses why you can't leave. They will help you with everything, including financially and provide useful info.

Thank you, I'll find a DA unit here! I don't know why I didn't think of that.

I do have my grandparents, and they've offered me a place to stay, but I can't bring my dogs. I know my dogs lives pale in comparison to my own, but they're my only friends, and they're terrified of him.

So you're saying that your grandparents are the only people you knew before your husband? No friends, no other family, no former coworkers?

And does he let you take the car when he's home? What about a part-time job a couple of nights a week when he's home, or on the weekend? Does he object to this?