My heart is being torn in two different directions

I have a girlfriend of 10 years and we are not married. I believe it is because I fell in love with another girl that I've only met a handful of times. It took years to get over not leaving my gf and being with the other woman. She has recently come back into my life, songle, and we have been talking about those days. I get the feeling she never stopped loving me either. Should I ask her? If I do, should I leave my current life that I am 90% happy with and risk it all to chance a great life with a woman that is closer to my age and sex life? In every way that I know her, she's amazing. We've met, weve had sex, weve talked every day for hours on end, until my current gf told me to stop talking to her because I told her that I had fallen in love with the other. I need advice on if I should jump and risk it all or continue to live my current life knowing the other girl will never leave my mind?

Just leave your girlfriend. Your heart is not torn, it's not with her at all. You're comfortable and don't want to lose that, that's all.

Agree with agent. Do the right thing and break up so she can find someone who actually cares about her.

You shouldn't be dating your current g/f. By that I mean, she's too good for you. Ten years and you're still not married? Do you think that gives you a free pass to cheat just because you aren't married in the eyes of the law? The fact that you reengaged with this other women speaks volumes to me. If you respected your g/f of ten years, you would have recognized the danger here and would have kept your distance with this other woman. AND if this other woman was such a great and wonderful person, what is she doing trying to drive a wedge between you and your current g/f? Where's your commitment?

Frankly, it doesn't even sound like you are monogamous. Meaning, perhaps you should seek more open relationships where you can date multiple people.

If your current g/f still wants you... AND you wish to remain monogamous, then I personally wouldn't gamble all those 10 years away. Cut your ties with the other woman and focus on your real relationship... not some pipe dream.

You know, your post is the very definition of the word "selfish", can you not see that?

Do you realize that you are playing God with an innocent person's life? You have wasted 10 YEARS out of your partner's life, 10 YEARS, only because you are too scared to be single for a while. I just don't have words for what you're doing to that woman! You have cheated on her with that dimwit who, much like you, has no qualms about having sex with someone in a relationship (and by the sounds if it, she was in a relationship too!), and still went on to waste even more of her life. And now, you want to base the decision whether to leave her or not on the other woman's availability???

YES, please leave your girlfriend today, she deserves so much better than you! Let her find herself a man, you know, one who could love her genuinely, be loyal to her and eventually marry her. You and the other woman clearly deserve each other, yes you may be in for the shock of your life when you realize she's not the hot amazing stuff you thought she was, but oh well...I won't be shedding tears about that.

Damn, this form is harsh! ha.

Okay, thanks everyone. Heres a little more backstory:

When my gf (lets call her sandie) first started dating, it was a somewhat open relationship. We can sleep with other people, as long as we do it together. We found this new girl (lets call her Jessica) and her and I became very close via text for a good year. The 3 of us saw each other a few times but nothing serious happened. A little fooling around together, but no sex with each other. However, Jessica had her boyfriend with her when she came down. It was very awkward. She was planning on leaving him too, which she did. I realized I was in love with two women now. We tossed around the idea of a sister wives situation so to speak but in the end, neither of them wanted that, they just wanted a one on one relationship. So, I chose my current gf, we had been together for 2 years at this point. I was 22 and she was 19.

After that happened, I was in a terrible depression for a few years and it took me years to get over Jessica. I'm still not over her I don't think because every time I see a picture of her, I get all jittery. You're right, I'm terrified of being alone. I am a hopeless romantic, or whatever they call it. I've always wanted to be in the best relationship possible. The reason this is so hard is that I truly do love Sandie. She is an AMAZING woman, I mean, no one that I have ever met compares...except for Jessica. I don't know Jessica as well and she does live a bit away.

Within the past two years, Sandie and I have become very close and it has been a great relationship. The best I have ever had. I had gotten over Jessica pretty well until recently, she texted me. It opened up all the wounds I had healed.

Should I simply ask Jessica if she still feels the same way, and if she does, why would I choose her? I am being selfish you're right. Thats a part of my personality and Sandie has always been understanding of all of my flaws (mental nonsense). I am super bored though with where I am at life. I am young and I feel like a 45 year old couple.

If I am not in love with Sandie, how do I know that? I feel like I do.

Fantasies almost always look better than reality.

Well then, how can I get over Jessica without it taking years and taking a toll on my current relationship? I know I can just cut her out of my life, thats what I did last time. It still took forever for me to not think of her every day.

Thank you guys so much, this is actually helping. I don't have anyone to really turn to on this one.

Hopeless romantic is not the term I would use to describe your actions...

Before you make any decisions about who you will move forward with then first you need to really ask yourself, why have you not proposed to your current girlfriend. Especially in all that time this other woman was out of the picture. I get a strong feeling there is something else holding you back and until you address that you won't be able to move forward one way or another.

Once you identify that, that will be the best time to put together a plan of action essentially to either get this other woman out of your mind or to end things with your current girlfriend. It doesn't matter how great your current relationship is, if you haven't moved forward there is another issue underlying there. I have worked with so many clients, many of whom actually got married to the person that they had a great relationship with, went so far as to have children, and then realized they were not as compatible as they had thought, but now had more serious things to work through since they had committed to a marriage and to raising their children.

Relationships are not always black and white and sometimes someone forcing you to look inside to see what's really holding you back or keeping you from something. And it's very possible because of something in your past, your parents relationship or a close friends, that you are hesitant with your current girlfriend because of a fear and that this other woman just gives you an excuse to hold out longer.

Skern, I have never really wanted to get "married". I have a fear of commitment for sure. I love being in long relationships, I definitely dont want to be in the dating scene ever again though. My parents are still together but they have both told me that they would do it differently if possible. I see them as perfect for each other, but I guess they arent. Im sure that plays are part of not getting married. We have definitely talked about it a lot and both of us are really keen on the idea of legally being married. Whats the point? To tie each other down? That sounds like a trap to me.

I am seeing my therapist soon (hopefully) to go over this as well. Ugh, relationships have always been hard for me.

I am a hopeless romantic, or whatever they call it. I've always wanted to be in the best relationship possible. .

In order to be in the best relationship possible, you have to be the best boyfriend/partner possible. You're not.

Jessica can tell you whatever she wants if you ask her, it doesn't mean it would be the truth and it wouldn't guarantee you that she won't be cheating on you this time next year. And you need to realize that you don't know her as well as you think you do, she's an almost stranger for whom you have developed some kind of idealistic obsession that has nothing to do with who she really is.

The thing is, you are bored with your relationship, but you don't want to let go until you have another sure thing lined up. This is not you being a hopeless romantic, it's you being extremely insecure and, as I said earlier, selfish. Sandie has been selling herself too short, because it sounds like she has been putting up with too many things she shouldn't have been putting up with; ignoring all the red flags didn't really get her anywhere, did it?

As I said, break up with Sandie, because despite what you are trying to convince us (or yourself?) you don't love her. You care about her, for sure, because you've been together for so long, but love? No, or this post wouldn't exist. Chances are things with the other woman won't go far, but hey, this is a chance you've got to take, just like the rest of us. Even if you end up being single for a year or 10, it won't be the end of the world, I promise. You will never have a healthy, happy relationship, until you become a better partner, and at this very moment, you are quite the opposite of that.

Seek help and make sure you don't destroy her when you drop the bomb

Jessica is just an escape fantasy. She's a way for you to keep a little piece of yourself away from the relationship with Sandie because you're afraid to have a deeper more committed relationship. Get yourself to a therapist and sort it out. If you actually really commit to Sandie, you won't be interested in Jessica anymore. If you continue to fantasize about Jessica your relationship with Sandie will fail.

And don't let anyone here tell you who you do and don't love.

Thanks TMifune. People seem to think I don't love sandie at all and can just leave her in one day? That ludicrous. This has happened so suddenly, I haven't even had time to fully process it and she neither of them know that I am even considering this. Thank you.

Before you make any decisions about who you will move forward with then first you need to really ask yourself, why have you not proposed to your current girlfriend. Especially in all that time this other woman was out of the picture. I get a strong feeling there is something else holding you back and until you address that you won't be able to move forward one way or another.

 

Once you identify that, that will be the best time to put together a plan of action essentially to either get this other woman out of your mind or to end things with your current girlfriend. It doesn't matter how great your current relationship is, if you haven't moved forward there is another issue underlying there. I have worked with so many clients, many of whom actually got married to the person that they had a great relationship with, went so far as to have children, and then realized they were not as compatible as they had thought, but now had more serious things to work through since they had committed to a marriage and to raising their children.

 

Relationships are not always black and white and sometimes someone forcing you to look inside to see what's really holding you back or keeping you from something. And it's very possible because of something in your past, your parents relationship or a close friends, that you are hesitant with your current girlfriend because of a fear and that this other woman just gives you an excuse to hold out longer.

Do all relationship coaches advocate marriage as strongly as you? I'm really quite surprised about that in this day and age.

I need advice on if I should jump and risk it all

You already have jumped and risked it all. Do you see?:

We've met, weve had sex, weve talked every day for hours on end, until my current gf told me to stop talking to her because I told her that I had fallen in love with the other.

This is already destroying what you had, and at the same time building a messy, questionable foundation with the other woman.

You're positioning yourself badly with the second woman. You're giving her a front row seat to witness your capacity for disloyalty. Even if she 'wins' she loses. At what point does it occur to her that your behavior behind the back of your LT girlfriend who you've claimed to 'love' is exactly what she'll need to grapple with running through the background of her mind--all the time.

Gloss over:

"To make attractive or acceptable by deception or superficial treatment

And doing it with the help and good intentions of ena advisers.