Should I say something?

Ok...

So this is my first post.

I had my heart broken at the beginning of 2015 and it's taken me a while to start moving past it.

I'm a single mother and don't get out that much so wasn't expecting to meet anybody else.

But I started talking to this guy on social media around June/July this year. We knew each other as

kids and he'd recently moved back to the area. I didn't think I could go wrong...he's well-known as a nice guy.

Our first date in July was a roaring success, he was obviously really keen and full of compliments...we watched live

music and danced and it was loads of fun! I wasn't really attracted to him and played it cool-we didn't even kiss.

After that, initially he made a huge effort, calling in my place of work to see me when he was in town and asking to

meet up every time he was on leave from working down south which was about once every 4 weeks.

He's not conventionally attractive but I started to fall for him, we had a lot in common and he was charming and funny.

I couldn't help but notice our dates were always last minute though and started to focus around a few drinks in the pub then going back to mine.

But he was in the middle of renovating a house which took up most of his free time between working away and kept saying that things

would be different once it was sorted.

Last week when I was waving him off, I leaned into kiss him and he moved back. Alarm bells started to ring.

I texted him the next day asking what was going on. He replied with some long spiel about being too busy for a relationship

due to the nature of his job and how it wouldn't be fair on me but he was really hoping we could be mates. It sounded like BS but I

thanked him for his honesty and wished him good luck with everything. Not heard from him since!

I was confused...as he was so keen to start with and we had a lot in common- he was always like 'Yes! I've finally found a girl on my wavelength'.

And the guy has texted me every single day for the best part of 6 months!

Today my mate shows me her POF account, and browsing through the men having a giggle I see him on there! "Looking for a relationship"!!!

I don't use the site so he wont know I've seen it. Should I contact him and say something or will I look mental? Feeling a bit pissed off tbh...

You will look mental. You called him out and excused him. Let him stay excused and you stay silent.

You were not married, engaged, or even living in the same town. He felt no obligation to you, so he did what he did. Leave this one alone. It was doomed from the start. He will think you are mental if he finds out you've been snooping. Don't do it. Just leave this one be and find the right man for you.

You guys are right...

I know he doesn't owe me anything or an explanation really, I mean if I'm not his cup of tea then so be it.

But why stay in touch every day and invite me to stay over at his first night in his new house last week?

He knew I'd been hurt earlier in the year and wasn't looking for something casual...

I guess I just feel a bit used! But I'll get over it...

He was probably looking for something casual.

I thought that...

But if he was looking for something casual why has he joined a dating site and made a profile saying he's looking for a relationship? There is an option to say looking for casual dating on there but he has chosen looking for a relationship.

Obviously he wants a relationship, but just not one with me. And he knows I'm looking for a relationship. So I guess last week he just used me...

But if he was looking for something casual why has he joined a dating site and made a profile saying he's looking for a relationship? There is an option to say looking for casual dating on there but he has chosen looking for a relationship.

When I was doing the online dating thing I lost track of how many men used that line to simply pick up chicks. It's a player's greatest tool, the whole "I am looking for the one" and everything is geared towards making the girl believe she'll win the brass ring and be "that one." When in reality they're just looking to get laid. It happens to men too, I know from my male friends, but for us women the whole knowledge that we are wanting a relationship can often be used against us.

I don't think he wants a relationship at all. I think he wants casual hookups on every corner that all think he's serious, so they won't be off dating other gents and giving him competition. Or he's married or in a serious relationship and this is his way of looking for side action. Iv'e run into both scenarios when I was doing online dating actually.

Plus you ignored some giant red flags:

*last minute dates all the time? Never do that, once or twice okay but a pattern? Nope, it usually means he had to get away from someone first or doesn't think enough of you to make plans in advance or he called anyone and everyone and landed with you after other women told him he was too late and they'd already made other plans.

*Dates that always focus around booze or getting high. I mean, once in a while sure going to a bar is fun, but every time? Again, nope. If they want a relationship and it's a good one the guy will take you out to a variety of venues and stay sober through most of it.

*You always ended up back at your place, presumably for sex. If that's what was happening then there's your answer, he was in it for the sex.

*While a nice compliment or two is fine to come on strong with heavy flattery and loads and compliments can be a warning sign the guy is trying to play you. A guy who wants to get to know you might pay you one compliment and then he'll focus on talking to you and just getting to know you. They won't carry on and on, but a player oh yeah you'll be hearing how you're this and you're that every other sentence.

*Biggest red flag--his excuse about never taking you to his place, because he was renovating it. Trust me, when someone is renovating their house they are almost obnoxious in showing that stuff off. If that were really true he'd have been hauling you over there every chance he got to show off his workmanship and latest improvements. I know, because i renovated my current house. I showed off every step of that renovation to anyone and everyone in my life and definitely to the guy or two I dated more than once or twice. I've been taken on dates that consisted of nothing more than the guy giving me a tour and going on and on about the work they had done, were going to do etc.

Did you ever even see the house? If not I'm guessing it's because there's someone there like a wife or girlfriend. I'm sorry, but all you can do is learn from this. And him knowing those things about you having been hurt and all just means he used that information to his advantage.

All you can do is block and delete him, learn from the experience, work out the red flags you should have paid attention to before getting too attached and then use that information in the future. And yeah, it sucks. But you will be okay, a little sadder, but a whole lot wiser.

Everything Paris Paulette said. He was playing you. So don't contact him. Move on and learn from this. Next time you will see the signs and know they are red flags

Sounds like this guy is a load of crap. Find someone else.

I thought that...

 

But if he was looking for something casual why has he joined a dating site and made a profile saying he's looking for a relationship? There is an option to say looking for casual dating on there but he has chosen looking for a relationship.

 

Obviously he wants a relationship, but just not one with me. And he knows I'm looking for a relationship. So I guess last week he just used me...

Because you get a better quality woman if you don't say up front you want something casual.

But if he was looking for something casual why has he joined a dating site and made a profile saying he's looking for a relationship? There is an option to say looking for casual dating on there but he has chosen looking for a relationship.

If all online dating profiles would reflect the truth and people would be honest……….. Then there would be much less threads here on ENA.

What mhowe said really.

If all online dating profiles would reflect the truth and people would be honest……….. Then there would be much less threads here on ENA.

What mhowe said really.

This. Oy vey, and stay away from the guys who start off saying, "I'm a nice guy looking for a nice girl...." If you have to say that up front it means you aren't. Period, end of story.

OP, you'll be fine. Delete and block him, learn from this and move forward. A truly good guy into you will take the time to really date you and get to know you. That's the ones you look for while sending everyone else on their way. I feel for you, because I did the same thing when I started dating. But you learn and you get better at spotting the players and schmoozers and you start to hone in on quality people.

Also remember your own worth. You are so much more worthy than a few pints in a pub then back to your place for fun and games. And texting and phone calls all day just mean he isn't doing any work or doesn't have a job. You do not want those, you want the guy that has a life, earns a living, puts all his time into you when it's appropriate and otherwise is out there doing what he's supposed to be doing. I used to shut them down hard if they would start texting and calling me during the day, because that was the kind of person I used to have to fire when I was a manager way back in the mists of time. "Trying hard to romance a girl/guy when you should be working?" Nope, go do your love bombing someplace else, ain't nobody paying you for that.