I want a divorce so bad, but I can't hurt my wife

It took me a year and a half to finally get the courage to tell her. I want to separate. She totally lost it. Sobbing, begging, and not eating for three days. I finally couldn't stand it anymore, seeing how much pain she was in. So I told her I'd stay. We've been so distant for the past few years, I had no idea she was so emotionally dependent.

So now I feel like I'm trapped. My morality and my empathy forbid me to do anything that would cause so much suffering. Even though I feel no love for her anymore. After the way she treated me in the past with sexual abuse among other things, I can't stand the sound of her voice, her mannerisms, everything. My feelings for her are poisoned to the core, and I don't think I'll ever recover. But I saw the anguish in her face and I felt like it would be horrible cruelty to leave.

How do you untangle from someone who thinks they'll never be happy without you?

Sent from my SPH-L900 using Tapatalk

She sexually abused you and your morality won't allow you to leave?

She's better now. She hasn't done it in a couple of years, but I still feel disgusting.

My morality is about maximizing total happiness in the universe. I could be wrong, but that's the only thing that makes sense to me.

Sent from my SPH-L900 using Tapatalk

My morality is about maximizing total happiness in the universe. I could be wrong, but that's the only thing that makes sense to me.

you're not maximising anything. You're making yourself miserable, and you're going to keep her unhappy. She will probably start to make you even more miserable now. Divorce and you are both unhappy in the short term. You will both end up happier.

And then there will probably be kids now, born to a couple who don't like each other and of whom one sexually assaults the other.

You don't want to be uncomfortable, but you're ruining your life for someone who is a rapist. You need to see a therapist.

So you are fine to be unhappy, so that your wife is happy? How about you being happy and an unhappy ex-wife? For the total happiness in the universe it does not make a difference, but it makes a difference for you!

Sexual abuse is a crime! Please don’t even try to make it sound harmless!

She's better now. She hasn't done it in a couple of years, but I still feel disgusting.

 

My morality is about maximizing total happiness in the universe. I could be wrong, but that's the only thing that makes sense to me.

 

Sent from my SPH-L900 using Tapatalk

If that's the case, that means that you've done the calculation and decided somehow that her unhappiness at you leaving somehow adds more happiness to the world than your unhappiness staying with her?

How do you even weigh or measure something like that?

You're all about spreading happiness to everyone but yourself? Unhappy people will not bring happiness to the world. Think about if you focused on yourself and became a happier person, you could then go out there and make hundreds or thousands of other people happy. Instead you choose to make just one person in the world happy at the expense of your own happiness? Do you realize how insane that is?

You can't stay with her if what you wrote is accurate.

My god, I didn't expect so many replies. And you're all unanimous. But how can I do this to her? Maybe I just have too much empathy for my own good. I can't make myself cold-hearted enough to go through with it. I wish there was a way to cushion the blow for her. I've even thought about trying to find someone to replace me. Is that weird?

I used to puzzle over abuse victims and wonder why they didn't just leave. Now I geuss I'm one of them. And I think I get it. No matter how evil someone is, they still have feelings, and you see that when you live with them long enough. Besides, I don't think she's evil, just dumb. "Never attribute to malice what can be attributed to stupidity." I think she didn't understand the harm she was doing.

Sent from my SPH-L900 using Tapatalk

But how can I do this to her?

How could she do that to you is the question that you should ask yourself.

"Never attribute to malice what can be attributed to stupidity." I think she didn't understand the harm she was doing.

I will say it again, if she did what you are telling us that she did, that was a crime. And you will not manage to convince me that it was stupidity.

I think she didn't understand the harm she was doing.

Stupidity isn't a defence.

She did harm. And now you want to throw away your life to spare her an unhappy few months.

Are you seeing a therapist?

Are you seeing a therapist?

Not currently, why? Seems like she's the one who needs therapy.

Sent from my SPH-L900 using Tapatalk

She does, but you do too. Neither of you sound like you have healthy thought processes.

You are right op, you have too much empathy for your own good. I have been where you are, I was miserable and in a dead end relationship for over 10 years but I couldn't leave for a variety of reasons. Eventually after a death in my family I realized that my life was passing me by and I needed to leave, the cold hard truth that life is fleeting was an abrupt awakening. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done, I have no regrets about leaving but I certainly have regrets about how long I stayed.

Your wife's behaviour is very manipulative. She knows how empathetic you are and she is exploiting it. Trust me, you don't want to look back years down the road and think "coulda, woulda, shoulda" about something as big as this. Leaving a marriage is very painful but in my experience feeling that life is passing you by and feeling regret is far more painful.

She does, but you do too. Neither of you sound like you have healthy thought processes.

I second this post.

Codependency is not.love. Google it.

Not currently, why? Seems like she's the one who needs therapy.

 

Sent from my SPH-L900 using Tapatalk

You BOTH need therapy. You need one ASAP, you are an abuse victim who is staying with their abuser because you don't want to hurt her feelings. You need some serious help to figure out why you think so little of yourself.

I was an abusee (I don't like saying victim), and my ex would go nuts if I threatened to leave. Threatened to kill herself, physically kept me from leaving and once even choked me.

I was codependent, although I did love her. That meant realizing that as long as I was with her I was enabling her by standing for her abuse, and the only way she could ever change was if I left. It was incredibly difficult, as she had 3 teenagers who liked me a lot. And I hate her for pushing me to make that hurtful decision, but I believe it was best for both of us.

You need to realize that you are enabling her by falling for her pleas. Nothing will change. Sometimes you have to suffer for the ones you love and it sucks.