Feeling terrible about myself and guilty for ending it.

I'm sorry this is so long, I haven't been here in years, and I know there are good people here, maybe a couple will listen and help me...I'll keep it as short as I can.

We met a few years ago and became friends for a couple of years before dating. Her marriage had been on the rocks for over a decade and she wanted a divorce. We went to a dance together with friends and she got drunk and wound up kissing me. I didn't fight it, even though I felt terrible and guilty the next day. She kept pushing to hang out more and although I told her I wanted to wait until the divorce was done, she got mad and I didn't put my foot down, so we started seeing more of each other. She filed for divorce and her husband started following her, catching us together once. It was ugly and I felt bad for not having put my foot down in the first place. I've felt ashamed of myself and guilty ever since that night.

She has 3 teenage boys. I knew them before we started dating and they all approved of me and their mom dating. We got along very well in the 2 years their mom and I dated. Unfortunately, in the beginning my dad caught wind that I was dating this married woman and told me he would never accept her, that she seemed to want everything on her terms, and that I deserved better. This upset my girlfriend and was the cause of many fights over the 2 years. She was almost obsessed with winning him over, and I knew she never would. But she could not let it go. When the time finally came she was even allowed in my parents' house, my father wouldn't speak to her, and the night would end in her crying and a fight between me and her.

She wanted me to start staying at her place more about 2 months into the divorce, and badgered me to move in. I didn't, totally, but I spent most nights there, only going to my condo once a week. Going from bachelor in a clean house enjoying a few hours of peace and quiet changed to chaos, a filthy house with clothes strewn everywhere, loud kids, a dog and 3 cats walking over me all the time. If I wanted to talk to other female friends - one that I'd known for over 12 years - she got mad, and often times told me to tell her whenever one of them would text me. The fights continued over my dad not liking her, and the fact that she drank every night made those fights worse.

She would drink a bottle of wine every night, and I got in the habit too, so we would split a bottle. One bottle became two, and on a weekend three bottles in a day wasn't uncommon. Some work nights would be 3 in one night. Drinking of course made fights worse. She got me in a choke hold once, and another time I had to call the cops on her. Sex was often great, but when she was loaded, having sex with someone stinking of wine and with bloodshot eyes just felt wrong to me.

She couldn't sit still, either. It seemed every ten out of 11 weekends was booked, by her, for us. Sitting in, relaxing and watching a movie wasn't common, and if we DID happen to watch a movie or tv show, it was interrupted by her constant talking. If I ever requested time to myself, she'd get offended and take it personal, or she would allow me to have my time, which consisted of me doing what I wanted but her talking to me incessantly, resulting in me never really being able to immerse myself in anything anymore.

A night out used to be something I looked forward to with her, but more and more it wound up in a drunken row and her either hurting herself physically or hurting me emotionally. She started to tell me I didn't have to go places all the time with her on the weekends, but some days would go on about how her ex didn't go places with them. She'd tell me he barely ever fixed anything around the house, so while often times I WANTED to fix stuff for her and her boys, often times I felt I HAD to.

My brother's wedding was last week. I was the best man, but I dreaded it for months. I had been to two weddings with this woman and both ended in drunken foolishness. Sure enough, my brother's reception not only included her accusing me of flirting with a bridesmaid (I had been talking with my AUNT, actually) and then half an hour later telling me she never said that, but the night also ended in her getting drunk again, and causing a scene because my father wouldn't say goodbye to her. Two other people also told me she told them we were getting married next year, which she also claims she never said.

Well, two days later after lots of thought, I ended things. I told her that in two years she clearly couldn't get over my dad not liking her, and her drinking never improved, no matter how much she said it would. She begged and pleaded with me in person and via text until I got very mean with her, something I hated to do. She said I hurt her children and was a father figure to them. She also pleaded saying maybe we could start over and that she hadn't had a drink in two days, something else that was likely a lie, since yesterday when she was at work I went to her house and collected my things, finding empty beer bottles around her bed.

My parents say I did the right thing. My best friend says she was nice, but a handful. And despite all of this, I STILL feel guilty. I was no angel and she was no demon, but I hurt her and her boys. I feel terrible but these last two days I've felt able to live again. Granted, it's just going for a walk on my own or watching a movie all the way through, but it feels good. And that makes me feel even more guilty.

I don't know what to do. I am seriously considering making a psych appointment, because I feel hopeless and like a jerk. Can someone give me any advice, please?

wow, breaking up seems like it was the right thing to do. Read your post again and pretend that your best friend wrote it. Wouldn't you tell him that he deserves better out of life??

I'm so sorry. hang in there, don't contact her, try to get back to your peaceful old life and stop drinking crazy like that.

hugs

Oh Annie, you're still here! Thank you, I was just reading it again. I'll refer myself to this post whenever I feel bad. Thank you so much.

I think you made the right decision to leave this relationship. I'm sure you feel badly for her and her children, but with the drinking and the rows it doesn't seem to be particularly healthy, or what you wanted.

I'm curious though, it seems as though that a big factor in your break up, and the cause of many arguments between you, was your father's behaviour. He didn't speak to her throughout your relationship, not even to say hello or goodbye and actually went so far as to ban her from his house even though you were dating her?

This because she seemed like a woman who wanted things on her terms? That was his reason? This sounds very controlling and highly unfair on you. Sorry if I'm out of line here.

I think you made the right decision to leave this relationship. I'm sure you feel badly for her and her children, but with the drinking and the rows it doesn't seem to be particularly healthy, or what you wanted.

 

I'm curious though, it seems as though that a big factor in your break up, and the cause of many arguments between you, was your father's behaviour. He didn't speak to her throughout your relationship, not even to say hello or goodbye and actually went so far as to ban her from his house even though you were dating her?

This because she seemed like a woman who wanted things on her terms? That was his reason? This sounds very controlling and highly unfair on you. Sorry if I'm out of line here.

He was against the fact that she thought nothing of having an affair before divorcing, he noticed that I was always running around suddenly and figured she was the cause and that it wasn't like me to be so active, he wanted me to be able to have kids and also felt she was taking advantage of my being nice. He also felt that her fixation on his feelings and not mine wasn't what I deserved, and that her obsession with him talking to her was pushy in and of itself. But yes, I felt that was awfully childish and even now after the breakup I told him I'm not happy with him and his behavior, either. He said "I don't have to like anyone and I don't have to talk to anyone."

Regardless, when my ex would get upset about him, I kept reminding her if I cared so much what he thought, that I wouldn't have been with her for 2+ years. She would then say you're right, it doesn't matter what he thinks, yadda yadda...then 2 months later another fight about it. She just couldn't seem to get over it.

Your dad sounds a bit of a handful himself! Parents, eh? 😩

You've really been though it. I feel for you and I hope that you find peace and heal.

Oh, I've convinced myself that if there ever is another girl, I'm not introducing her to him for at least a year. He's childishly stubborn. Thank you, AntyPat.

You're feeling guilty, most likely because that's all SHE would do with you. Lay blame.. lay guilt, etc.

She had way too much 'control' over you.

She's damaged in a lot of ways and is NOT mentally or emotionally stable.

she moved on way too quickly from her relationship into one with you. She had not dealt with anything. (accepting & healing) from her marriage BU.

Sadly, you came into the picture way too soon.

But.. finally, you've managed to act out for YOU. Good!

She is not good for you and you've come to realize this.

Do NOT feel guilt. You just need some down time to work on yourself again. Get yourself back to good.

This can take a few months and yes, if you are feeling a need for some professional help.. no harm there.

You're feeling guilty, most likely because that's all SHE would do with you. Lay blame.. lay guilt, etc.

She had way too much 'control' over you.

She's damaged in a lot of ways and is NOT mentally or emotionally stable.

 

she moved on way too quickly from her relationship into one with you. She had not dealt with anything. (accepting & healing) from her marriage BU.

Sadly, you came into the picture way too soon.

 

But.. finally, you've managed to act out for YOU. Good!

She is not good for you and you've come to realize this.

Do NOT feel guilt. You just need some down time to work on yourself again. Get yourself back to good.

This can take a few months and yes, if you are feeling a need for some professional help.. no harm there.

That was one red flag I ignored, but a couple of my friends saw it - 2 months after merely FILING for divorce and she was asking me to move in and talking marriage. Her claim was that I shouldn't feel guilty because he raped her. And according to her, they'd been married 20 years and in therapy for 10-15, so the relationship was basically over so...yeah. Thanks SoooSad33!

Parents have some sort of a sixth sense when it comes to their children, they are able to tell right away if someone is good or bad for them. Your dad saw right through this woman, and was right about her 100%. Maybe in the future you should at least keep his opinions in mind, instead of dismissing them and calling him childishly stubborn...as he was clearly able to see red flags about this woman that you yourself missed (or chose to ignore). I'm not saying you should do everything your dad tells you to do, but at least don't dismiss it.

With that said, you absolutely did the right thing, the woman is a train wreck and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Yes, probably her kids were disappointed, but you said they are teenagers, so not young enough to think of you as a dad or anything. They will be just fine.

You were smart to do what you did, because life with this woman sounds so miserable...

yeah, i think that the dad had a pretty fair red flag (her having an affair with you). It's not like she was legally separated and just waiting on the paperwork or something.

hang in there. I really think you are better off now. do not feel guilty. i feel bad for her kids.

Parents have some sort of a sixth sense when it comes to their children, they are able to tell right away if someone is good or bad for them. Your dad saw right through this woman, and was right about her 100%. Maybe in the future you should at least keep his opinions in mind, instead of dismissing them and calling him childishly stubborn...as he was clearly able to see red flags about this woman that you yourself missed (or chose to ignore). I'm not saying you should do everything your dad tells you to do, but at least don't dismiss it.

 

I don't agree with this entirely. It wasn't his father's opinions that were the problem, he made them very clear - it was his behaviour toward her. Sometimes parents do have a protective instinct, but here his behaviour was very unhelpful and petty, going as far as to cause trouble at his son's wedding! That just comes off as selfish.

 

Okay, so he thought she was trouble, maybe he even personally disliked her too, (though it doesn't sound like he gave her much of a chance either) and maybe he was right, but he could have made more of an effort (or at least not banned her from the house!) for the sake of his son who had chosen to be with this woman, rightly or wrongly. After all, the affair he thought was so awful was with the OP - his son! Even if the OP was manipulated into the choice by his ex, it was very early in the relationship. He DID have a choice! We all make mistakes after all.

 

I know a man who is like this with his son's girlfriends. Not one of them has ever been good enough. (Until they split up and then the last one is always better than the current one.) It causes so many problems within their family. But the person it hurts most is the son.

 

People sometimes make mistakes, they sometimes date the wrong people, it's life. Parents have their opinion and often knowing their children so well, it's the right one, but behaviour such as this only smacks of control.

 

I think the OP is right to wait before introducing anyone new to his father. .

 

Don't blame yourself OP. You did the right thing. It sounds like your ex has a problem with alcohol, and definitely needs some therapy.

I was with an alcoholic for a long time, at first I didn't really notice it as we both liked to go out drinking with friends and have a laugh together then as time went on I started to notice the hidden booze bottles and the drunken bullying from him became more and more and the rows were more frequent then it just spiralled until I had nothing left to give and it took a long time for me to finally leave and it was awful for me and horrific for him as he just turned to drink, it turned out to be the best thing for both of us in the long run....I hear now he's doing very well for himself in a new job and has stopped drinking altogether.

Leaving was definitely the best and kindest thing you could've done for both of you, kind of a blessing in disguise and hopefully she will recognise it and use it as a chance to sort herself out. But if she doesn't, it is not your fault/responsibility.

Thank you, guys. I'm just a mess tonight. I just feel like I wasn't enough to make her see how her drinking hurt me or her kids. She'd send her kids down to get her another glass of wine and I'd tell them not to, but they'd accepted this as normal. I feel like if there was only more I could do and I keep beating myself up over it and for hurting her...I defriended her and her family from Facebook because seeing how much pain she's in really got to me

My mother is going to be seeing a psych soon, and will let me know what she thinks of him and maybe I'll go to see him. Between work and ending this relationship I'm worn down so much...

Do not feel bad. Seem to me that you did the right thing. For what you described she was very unstable and affecting you deeply. I believe things could be different with therapy, support. I do not know, normal people, normal couples should be able to talk and arrive to agreements, that include looking for professional help on time.

Maybe your dad, affected her with his behavior, but that cannot be an excuse, or it is not enough argument for her acting the way she is acting.

Never get involve with a married woman. I know that sometimes odd things happen, but we must learn and never repeat the same mistakes.

Wish you well.