How do I deal with being a bisexual who is still sort of in the closet?

I feel like I don't fit in anywhere because of my sexuality. Straight people won't take me seriously and will claim I'm just experimenting and there's a lot of biphobia in the lesbian community as well. In short, all of this has led me to feel a bit of shame about my sexuality and I wish more than anything I could just be completely gay or completely straight. I want to keep this short and sweet so i'm not going to write a long thing about how I came to find out I am bi, just understand that I know it like I know I have 2 feet and 2 hands and its something I can't really change about myself. The thing is, over the last few years I haven't met any men I'm attracted to but I've met some wonderful women that I'm insanely attracted to, especially studs. Thing is- as far as 99% of the people in my life know: I'm straight. I've never "come out" and I don't really want to but I will if that's what it's going to take to date other women. I feel stifled and it's been so long since I've been with anyone and I really want to meet and start dating more girls but I worry they will look at me differently because I'm not a lesbian and don't have all that much experience with dating. I don't really know what to tell people when they ask about my sexuality because saying I'm straight feels like a complete lie and it feels all wrong coming out of my mouth. I'd rather avoid the conversation entirely but some people don't really understand boundaries and ask me about my sexuality anyway and I don't really know how to deal with it. I guess what I'm wondering is- how can I date women in an ethical manner considering my lack of experience and the fact that I am bi and not a lesbian? Also, how can I signal my sexuality to women without signaling it to straight people? And also, how do I respond when people, especially straight people ask me about my sexuality? I usually try to avoid the question or change the subject but somehow I feel that's probably not the best option. Please help, thank-you. I wish I could've written that better but that's the best I can do atm.

also, is wearing a small piece of rainbow jewelry to signal to other women that I'm game something ethical for me to do or is that particular signal something reserved for only lesbian and gay people?

You should tap into an online community that is completely devoted to the LGBT lifestyle.

You'll get more specific advice because I'm not sure what wearing that bracelet would suggest.

It feels like a safe way to quietly announce you're interested because you can always tell people you don't trust that it's merely how you support LGBT.

I'm somewhat in the same boat.

I confess Id really like to try an actual relationship with a girl and I was getting close to a friend openly interested, but I had to call that off.

I don't want to be accused of just being curious, but I need some explanation as to why I'm more emotionally attached to women than men.

I think it's time to live a double life, lol.

Distance yourself a little bit from your current circle so you can branch out into the LGBT community and keep what you're doing to yourself.

You don't need anyone's input while you do this.

As words of encouragement I will say that the LGBT community is generally very welcoming and it's much more normal (common, even) to go to events solo.

Good luck

I have never, as a straight woman, been asked about my sexuality. Nor, in a dating situation ever asked anyone else theirs, so I am confused as to who is doing the asking? Women? Are you currently hanging out in a GLBT setting?

If asked, I would be honest....that your sexuality seems to be emerging and you are looking to have a relationship with a woman.

Sexuality isn't a neon sign these days.

I think you need to own your sexuality more, than you do. Your letting it own you. If you meet a woman and you like her, go for it. If you like a man and you like him, go for it.

You need to be more confident in exactly who you are. If anybody is concerned your not fully straight, that's their fear. They could be scared you'd leave them for a man. But the reality is, you could leave them for another woman aswell.

When you meet people and the subject comes up, own in. Be proud, and if those people try to pigeon hole you into being either straight or lesbian, don't let them. Say "this is me, take it or leave it". I think it's sexy.

Thank-you.

Do you have any suggestions for where I might find these communities or online communities? Aside from just typing in lgbt into the search engine I guess lol. Thankfully I live near san Francisco so I'm lucky but I still fear going anywhere by myself and I don't have any straight allies that I trust to kind of accompany me to events and whatnot. Also, I really want to be ethical and I know how wary some people are about the whole bi thing- and while I totally get it, I just want everyone to be on the same page and I don't want to step on any toes. I don't want people to think I'm not committed just because I haven't chose to make my sexuality a big part of my identity I guess I want it to be okay for me to be bi, and many lesbians I've encountered have led me to feel that it's not okay- (not personally, just in the way they talk and everything). Also, I wonder if leading the double life thing is ethical. Like, am I entitled to keep my sexuality to my self from most other people while I date other women or is that just plain wrong? I love the idea but I really don't want to step on any toes.

I have never, as a straight woman, been asked about my sexuality. Nor, in a dating situation ever asked anyone else theirs, so I am confused as to who is doing the asking? Women? Are you currently hanging out in a GLBT setting?

 

If asked, I would be honest....that your sexuality seems to be emerging and you are looking to have a relationship with a woman.

 

Sexuality isn't a neon sign these days.

I don't know where you're from but it's a pretty common question where I'm at. I get it every once in a while, often from coworkers. It just comes up as meant to be casual conversation like, oh where are you from, what are you (nationality?) and somehow, my orientation winds up getting asked about eventually. It can be men or women doing the asking but it's always heterosexual people. All my gay/lesbian friends seem to know better than to ask, probably because they can empathize with what it feels like to have your sexuality prodded into. idk.

I think you need to own your sexuality more, than you do. Your letting it own you. If you meet a woman and you like her, go for it. If you like a man and you like him, go for it.

 

You need to be more confident in exactly who you are. If anybody is concerned your not fully straight, that's their fear. They could be scared you'd leave them for a man. But the reality is, you could leave them for another woman aswell.

 

When you meet people and the subject comes up, own in. Be proud, and if those people try to pigeon hole you into being either straight or lesbian, don't let them. Say "this is me, take it or leave it". I think it's sexy.

You have a really good point. I guess I feel that the LGBT community is so LG centric I don't really know how to find my place in it, but maybe I don't have to.

I don't know where you're from but it's a pretty common question where I'm at. I get it every once in a while, often from coworkers. It just comes up as meant to be casual conversation like, oh where are you from, what are you (nationality?) and somehow, my orientation winds up getting asked about eventually. It can be men or women doing the asking but it's always heterosexual people. All my gay/lesbian friends seem to know better than to ask, probably because they can empathize with what it feels like to have your sexuality prodded into. idk.

Wow.

Where are you from? normal

What nationality are you ? intrusive and possibly racist?

What is your sexual orientation? holy guacamole

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Here is a forum I found. I don't know if it'll be helpful. Have you tried dating bi women? Personally I would start being social in LBGT spaces. I find that a lot of women who ID as lesbians are actually bi. It isn't lying, it's just choosing a short hand... like if your unlikely to date men and your really only looking to date women right now there is nothing wrong with calling yourself a lesbian. Personally I would go into more detail about my sexuality with close friends and potential partners... but really it's nobodies business. I'm polyamorous and live in a triad with my boyfriend and girlfriend a lot of people make assumptions about my sexuality, I can choose to correct them or not. It's not a super easy world for people who's sexuality doesn't fit into straight forward categories... but if you can stop caring what other people think (and they will -always- find ways to judge you without knowing you) I think you'll find there are a lot of people like you out there including women who are not scared of your bisexuality.

Wow.

What nationality are you ? intrusive and possibly racist?

idk, I'm white, don't really see anyone wrong with asking where I or my family is from, didn't know it was that offensive. I actually am not all that offended by the sexual orientation thing either I just find it uncomfortable more than anything.

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I find that a lot of women who ID as lesbians are actually bi. It isn't lying, it's just choosing a short hand... like if your unlikely to date men and your really only looking to date women right now there is nothing wrong with calling yourself a lesbian. Personally I would go into more detail about my sexuality with close friends and potential partners... but really it's nobodies business.

That's interesting. I've made the same observation about many lesbians but I feel like that can backfire dramatically. Like if you id as a lesbian and a few years later you start dating a man it just looks bad you know?

But thanks for the advice, I'll have to look into the site and I suppose you're right, it really isn't anyone's business.

I didn't know the lesbian community was so strident. Do they take back your membership card if you date a guy?

How do they even know?

I have never, as a straight woman, been asked about my sexuality. Nor, in a dating situation ever asked anyone else theirs, so I am confused as to who is doing the asking? Women?

I was thinking the exact same thing. I have never experienced this, nor do I know anyone who has.

OP, own who you are and when asked, be upfront and proud - that should shut people up quick enough.