I miss my mom and I think I am freaking out....

Lately, I can't stop crying. I am having some delayed reaction, she has been gone for two months. I was all she had, and vice versa. She was not well mentally or physically, and I was there for her for a long time. We did everything together. We were very isolated. I know it wasn't the healthiest relationship, but we needed each other. Our family never came to visit and friends were just fair-weather friends. I don't have any real friends. Just friends that call if they have an event they want to go to or something. I have no one. Literally.

I tried anti-depressants which made me too numb, so I went off them. Now I am too emotional. My only comfort is ENA and our cats (she had two and I have one, but it's a big house). They are my rock. I thought I could date, but I must have been delusional - I am a trainwreck right now.

I am frightened - how long does this last? Until you are no longer immobilized by it? It was hard for me to even drive the other day, I got spaced out and almost had an accident.

I miss her so much and I keep thinking about how frightened she must have been in those last days when she could not walk or speak. I am so unbearably sad.

Honestly, without knowing I have the cats to care for, I don't know what I would do. But they need me.

I understand how you feel, sweetie. I lost my Mom too, and she was not well mentally or physically at the end either. She had a long and painful death. It is a very difficult thing to come to grips with. You should be proud of yourself. You were there for your Mom in spite of everything. You were there for her. That says a lot about you and your character.

Please access your ability to drive before you do it. You are the best judge of that. Take good care of yourself. Look for a support group for others who have suffered the loss of a loved one. Grief support groups are great to talk it out and most likely you will meet a friend and it will help to combat the loneliness. Also, look for an organization that you can volunteer your time. It sounds like you like animals, so maybe an animal shelter? Anything you get you out and about. Talk to people about your feelings and your Mom. Other people have suffered the loss of someone they love, whether it be a brother or wife or child....and you can hear how they coped with it. You are not alone, sweetie.

There is a book called, "Tear Soup" that I would like to recommend to you. It is available on Amazon.

Hang in there.... chi

Duplicate posting............

Thank you, Chitown9 - there is a grief support grief at my local hospital, I just haven't gone yet. I know I will break down. But I guess they will be expecting that. I will attend the next one, which is next week.

How long was it until the pain began to subside a little for you? Our situations sound similar.

It has been 7 years now. I can still cry about it. Your story made me cry because it brings it all back, ya know...but "Tear Soup" explains that. It comes and goes and it does become less as time goes on....I honestly cannot recall how long it was constantly on my mind. It was a gradual thing. However, I have experienced death with my Dad and a husband too, so I am getting experienced. Not something someone wants to get experienced in; is it?

You will never get over it, but you will get through it, and it does get better with time. Like they say, "Time heals all wounds." ...chi

Misskitty, first my condolences and a big virtual hug. I lost my dad some years ago and it took me roughly four months for the worst of the pain to subside although the pain would still come and go in huge waves for months afterwards offset by relief and guilt since he'd been in such pain before his death. And I still miss him, but life did eventually reassert itself and I pulled through. When you can get yourself to that grief support group, it will help. After a bit if you can volunteer there or find a way to reach out and help others somewhere it will help. Music, music, music and yes animals helped me too. I played Peter Gabriel's song "I grieve" until I wore out the recording and had to buy a new one, but weirdly enough it helped. I also had kids, so in many ways my grief often had to be tabled to deal with the business of raising them and they helped too.

All of these things helped, but the biggest thing of all was just time.

Losing anyone you love is just a hard thing no matter what. Ride the storm through and do whatever it takes to make yourself feel even a bit better. I also took up yoga and went through a phase of popping into every church, synagogue and temple I could find to pray and meditate and seek peace. I'm not sure why, but it helped to be able to talk to whoever was there in a setting where I knew I wouldn't be judged. And I'm not a particularly religious person, but something about the peace and beauty and the spirituality of those places helped ease the pain for me.

My own mother has Alzheimer's now and it's a battle and when she goes I'll have to face the same thing. I'm not looking forward to it, but there are days now when I just pray she finds peace and happiness, it's all I want for her. And I'm tearing up writing this, but understand your mom wants you to be happy and lives on in your heart forever.

Be well, seek peace wherever you can find it, don't forget the beauty in something as simple as the arch of a cat's back or the roses you pass in a garden. And music will help. And time.

That's rough. My condolences Miss Kitty. Something like that is never fun for anyone. I am fortunate that I still have my Mum so I am probably not in much of a position to comment but I did go through trying anti - depressants and a period of being very lonely. Still am as a matter of fact. It can be awful living alone. I would suggest a counsellor. They're someone you can just let it all out to. I found it really helps to talk. A holiday might also do you the world of good. All my best.

I understand, and my heart goes out to you, MissKitty.

It's not a delayed reaction, it's a natural cycle of grieving. I found it a relief to learn that, because my grief over my Dad came in waves over weeks and months. I'd be fine for a time, and then I'd plummet into a spell of agony that felt like I was crying not just for my Dad, but for every hurt I've ever felt or never allowed myself to feel before.

And it was alarming.

So when I learned that our deepest grief is something we're unable to process all at once, I embraced the idea that I could use these times as a purging period. While they are devastating and feel so fixed and permanent at the moment we're in them, they also bring forth all the buried emotions and fears and 'stuff' we've plowed through and pushed aside because we needed to focus on immediate concerns.

Grief can only be yielded for so long.

I found two things helpful. First, my belief that those I've loved who've passed and those who I would have loved had I been old enough to know them are 'with' me in this. I've decided to link my energies with my ancestry in order to honor their existence, and I've adopted the idea that we can choose to accept a legacy of spirit passed on through generations to aid us in our navigation. So during grief I tap into this connection and I renew my strength through it. I speak a promise to my loved ones that I will make them proud of how I will represent them in the ways I'll live my life going forward.

Second, I use both online and local resources to extend myself beyond my self. I've made a private goal of using my own vulnerabilities as a strength rather than a weakness. I've decided that my heart has been cracked 'open' not shut. Where I was self centered and limited before, I am now awakened to the frightened human animal within all of us, and I find it healing and energizing to help the next person. Support groups, clubs, neighborhood projects, animal rescue orgs, classes--you name it, they're all sources of healing when you approach them through the right lens.

And of course, there's always us (wave!).

Holding you in my thoughts, MK.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Please, please make sure you get to the group at the hospital. Even if the day comes and you completely don't feel like it, make yourself go. I think you will be very relieved to have some real-life connections with those having the same experience as you.

It sounds like you like animals, so maybe an animal shelter?

I think that's a wonderful idea.

MK, when you are ready to venture out, consider this as a way to thank your cats for being such a comfort to you, and to meet other compassionate people like yourself.

Thank you, everyone - This place is the best.....but I promise to go to the hospital support group. The next meeting is Tuesday night.

Saturday's are the hardest because that is when we did the most stuff together - grocery shopping, out to eat, watch cat shows (she liked Animal Planet - they have this kitten show called "Too Cute", it was one of her favorites.).

This is one place where people don't judge. I am so tired of people telling me how I shouldn't be feeling at this point. People can be so incredibly judgmental and cold while they actually think they are helping. I guess not everyone can be like the folks at ENA : )

I am so tired of people telling me how I shouldn't be feeling at this point. People can be so incredibly judgmental and cold while they actually think they are helping. I guess not everyone can be like the folks at ENA : )

Sure, people can be clumsy around those who are grieving. I tend to forgive that pretty quickly when I recall all the times I should have shoved my own foot in my mouth.

I find it much gentler on myself to appreciate discomfort for what it is. It feels threatening, and it makes people come out sideways. I try to understand that my pain can bring up the worst in people who simply don't own the skills to handle it--and supporting people IS a skill.

Well, who teaches such a skill? Not everyone is socially graceful, in fact, most people are not. I've found that the kinder I am about overlooking faults in others, the kinder I tend to be toward myself--and visa versa. This is also a learned skill.

Think of babies; they're unabashedly selfish. It requires consistent and skilled parenting to breed that out of people. So when we consider the default infantile position to be selfish and every attempt at kindness and civility to be a learned correction of that, it's a wonder and a privilege when we meet people who can offer support to us.

There ARE kind and generous people in the world. It's up to us to seek them out and cultivate more of that in our own lives. It is a healing and generous pursuit, and it will reward you in ways you cannot fathom after such a long singular focus on caring for a parent.

((Hug))

It's so strange to hear how other people have reacted to their mother's death. I was talking with a woman that I know, and she went through something similar. She said she felt mostly "relief" when it happened so that she could live her life and go back to school (I guess her mom was kind of controlling).

And here I am, wondering how I am ever going to get through this. But I know I will never be the same person again.

Thinking of death reminds me of connections. Maybe it is just my woo-woo way of coping. I remember reading essays by Alice Walker in her book In Search of Our Mother's Gardens. She demonstrates the importance of telling our stories, so that we may braid our stories into bridges.

My mom's mom died when my mom was 24. She had only just met my father, whom my mom would marry two years later. When I was 24, I was walking with my mom and thinking what a treasure she was in my life. I asked her, How was it losing your mom, at a time when so many life decisions were ahead of you? She said, What do you mean? My mom corrected me: I never lost my mom, she said decisively. When it came time for my mom to let the cancer win the battle, I asked if she felt ready. She said, I want to go see my mom. Some 55 years later, that connection remained real for her.

None of us ever met my mother's mother. Yet we all feel as if we know her. We recognize her independent spirit, her can-do attitude, her balance of propriety and adventure.

Some connections seem likely, like this connection among several generations whom never met. Or, like when my maid of honor arrived with the dress she chose for the ceremony, being the same dress in a different color that I chose to wear afterwards. Or when my very different sister and I found we bought the same odd shirt, though we lived in different cities and have different figures and different tastes. But what of the random connections... so many.

In telling our stories like we do IRL and on eNA, we braid our stories into bridges for one another. The connections can be obvious, like among siblings and best friends, or intangible, like from my grandmother to me; we inhabited the earth decades apart. The connection exists despite the lack of physical evidence to prove it.

---

My nephew. I never write of my nephew. He isn't here either. It hurts, I am not at peace with it. I must learn to talk of it more.

There is no one way to process that the world shifted on its axis. Of course it did.

For me, I think of the process as one that happens in waves. The man I am not dating, that wave is like a tsunami he is staving off with straight arms. Maybe he will be ready upon the first anniversary. The emotions came over me at first at odd times, and not at expected ones. The dates were irrelevant, unknown even. Years passed and I thought it had only been several but it was nearly ten. How can that be? It makes no sense, she has not been gone so long.

____

And that brings me around to where I started. No, she hasn't been gone so long, for she never left.

Gosh dang I miss her.

I went to the grief support meeting tonight at the hospital. It was just okay. I don't know if I will go again.

I went to the grief support meeting tonight at the hospital. It was just okay. I don't know if I will go again.

The first support meeting of any kind is usually a groaner. Consider committing to 3 meetings if you want to get an actual idea of whether it can be helpful to you. Meanwhile, attend the next 2 with the sole intent of just showing up as a demo of support for those who go there for support.

A support group is not a party, and it won't feel like one, but you may end up thanking yourself later for pressing past your resistance today.

Oh, no, I didn't expect a party atmosphere I just didn't find it very supportive. But I will go back another few times. I REALLY need a giant hug. Someone to wrap their arms around me and let me cry. And I don't have that. I may never have that.

I have heard similar feedback from others about grief support meetings. I haven't been, but I must say, therapy would have been good at that time had I been willing.

Oh, no, I didn't expect a party atmosphere I just didn't find it very supportive. But I will go back another few times. I REALLY need a giant hug. Someone to wrap their arms around me and let me cry. And I don't have that. I may never have that.

Re someone to let me cry. .. never had that. It's why it came out slowly to inappropriate audiences. I wonder if a group might offer a similar source of comfort/relief.

I have heard similar feedback from others about grief support meetings. I haven't been, but I must say, therapy would have been good at that time had I been willing.

Yeah, that might be a better avenue for me. I think I am going to start back on my anti-depressants, too. I hate the idea of them, but I am spiraling downward quickly.

Yeah, that might be a better avenue for me. I think I am going to start back on my anti-depressants, too. I hate the idea of them, but I am spiraling downward quickly.

I support your meds idea. Tale care of you, then slowly rebalance in increments. It's okay.

I support your meds idea. Tale care of you, then slowly rebalance in increments. It's okay.

Thanks - I DO need to start taking better care of myself. I have not been eating right and have been drinking more. I know alcohol is Satan when you are already depressed. I need to just nip that in the bud while I can.

Thanks - I DO need to start taking better care of myself. I have not been eating right and have been drinking more. I know alcohol is Satan when you are already depressed. I need to just nip that in the bud while I can.

Yes you DO need to stop drinking. Same thing happened to the man I am not dating, and it made him more angry, more depressed, more resentful that life was hard for him. Alcohol is a depressant and also it delays the healing process.

I have been thinking about the people from Group. I think I will be going back. I am not sure, but after giving it some thought, it wasn't so bad.

I have been thinking about the people from Group. I think I will be going back. I am not sure, but after giving it some thought, it wasn't so bad.

Glad to hear the new acquaintances from group have stuck with you in your imagination. That says something -- good luck with it.