chitown9 Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 And it is true that I have not felt her at all since her death. Isn't that unusual? No, MissKitty, I really don't think so. I would not put too much credit on some spiritual advisor myself...I think it is a bunch of baloney. chi Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Oh no, please don't take the word of some random internet stranger claiming to be a spiritualist. They sound like a troll. MK...I don't think it's unusual at all. I have had close loved ones to me pass...Do you want to know something interesting about my father? His death was sudden. I was very small, 14 months old. I don't have any recollection, but I would always hope that he would come to me in my dreams. I used to try to focus on him all the time and look for 'signs' and other things...So I could feel some connection. 6 years after my father passed, my mom(who I later found out, in my adult years, was doing much of what I was) had a dream that he was on a ladder, climbing up to their second floor. My mom was so happy to see him, she tried to open the window. It was stuck. He tried, they both tried at the same time. No matter what they did, they couldn't open it. So they just stared at each other for some time. Eventually, he motioned that he had to go. My mom again tried to open the window, but to no avail. He told her it was okay. It wasn't going to open, because it wasn't time. That was the one and only dream she ever had of him...And when she had it, was when she was coming to a certain peace and resolution about it in her life. Myself...It took until this year, almost 32 years later(and of trying so hard for...something), that I finally had a dream of him. Not one, not two, but three. It came when I accepted the circumstances around his death. My acceptance gave me great peace...And I felt freed. I thought it was very interesting that I would have those dreams of him afterwards, in succession. So no, I don't think it is unusual at all. 3 months is a drop in the ocean when it comes to grief. I don't mean that as a way to make you dread the journey, but to show you that...There's nothing wrong with you, my dear. Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted May 23, 2015 Author Share Posted May 23, 2015 Thank you both of you, yes, perhaps it is too soon for the dreams or anything else. It just seems almost everyone says "oh, I feel them, they are here with me, blah blah..." I never felt that, not once since her death. So maybe it is because I haven't processed her death yet. I want so much to believe that her spirit will eventually reveal itself in some subtle way. Not doors banging open and closed or chains rattling like in the movies - just something - a warmth come over me for no reason, or a coldness in the room for no reason, a whisper that I can't quite make out - a breath on my shoulder when no one is there. What does help me, is it seems the cats feel her. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 I don't know, she had some mental issues most of her life so sometimes it was hard to tell. But I remember towards the end she pulled her hand away from me when I tried to hold it. I thought at the end is when they most are afraid and want to be near their "loved" ones? When I was in nursing, I performed a lot of end of life care, and the pulling away was common--even with the kindest people with whom I had bonded. I was taught that this was largely unconscious and had to do with avoiding constraint. It made sense to me that those who needed to leave the body would avoid the current from those who would unknowingly keep them tied to the body. No, I didn't pay money - it was just a spiritual forum. I just don't know...we were always together, but we did fight a lot. And it is true that I have not felt her at all since her death. Isn't that unusual? No, it's not unusual. Speaking opinion rather than claiming fact, loved ones often don't come through our conscious state for years, even while we connect through our unconscious states, where we hold no barriers. We interact through the dream state--and we only recall this or connect consciously when the psyche is ready for the experience. We can try to 'will' it, but fear usually precludes the connection. Speak with your Mom as often as you wish, trust that you're sending everything that you wish her to receive, trust that she's far beyond any petty limitations of the personality, and trust that you get to control how much access you have to her while in your dream state. If there's anything from that connection that you can handle recalling after awakening, you will. Otherwise, it will remain unconscious unless and until you're ready to process it. I never understood why, of all family members, it was my Grandmom with whom I was intimately connected and who was most spiritual and openly metaphysical during life, was the one person with whom I could not connect after her passing. Until years later. Both my sister and I were suffering our own brands of life stresses. Sis was away at school, and we were not in daily contact. We both awakened to SERIOUS contact dreams with Grandma on the same morning, and I don't recall which of us dialed the other first, but we both recounted significant and symbolic dreams of Grandma that moved us each to tears on awakening. We have never had similar dreams ever since, but this one was especially powerful and confirmed that we should continue our communication with Grandma, and that it is heard. Trust. Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted May 24, 2015 Author Share Posted May 24, 2015 Thank you, Catfeeder - it does make sense that if they know they will soon be leaving this world, that would not want to feel any kind of physical constraint, such as a hug or hand holding. She didn't even care for that when she was alive! Seriously. She was not a touchy-feely person. I guess in the final journey, I should have realized she probably wanted that even less. So I am glad you shared that with me. It makes more sense now. I had my first dream last night, but I don't think it was related. I dreamed the picture of me as a child hanging on the wall in my bedroom fell out of it's frame. The frame didn't break, the photo simply came out of it. She hung that photo up shortly before I moved in with her. Maybe she was looking at it, I don't know. I hope so. They do say our loved ones will tend to "visit" more in dreams and/or when things are very quiet because it is hard for them to break through the barriers between worlds - like, it's a lot of work, apparently, and easier to do with less distraction in a room. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Honey, have you joined a grief support group or gone to a therapist who specializes in grieving? It might be helpful to you... Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted May 24, 2015 Author Share Posted May 24, 2015 Honey, have you joined a grief support group or gone to a therapist who specializes in grieving? It might be helpful to you... I went to a support group, but have not been back. I am not saying I won't go back, just that at the time it seemed a waste of time. I have been to therapists over the years - again, none to write home about. As you can see, I am not exactly the model of mental health. I will most likely go back to the group therapy, at least a few more times. It's just all compounded by the fact that she was all I had in the world. Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 Honey, have you joined a grief support group or gone to a therapist who specializes in grieving? It might be helpful to you... I need to do this, I am not pushing forward. It's been nearly four months. Catfeeder, I really like the info you provided about them not wanting to feel "restraint" just prior to their journey, and that is probably all it was and not that she was pulling away from me, specifically. I struggled with that for a long time - why she had pulled away. But it makes sense what you said. Still no dreams of her - I guess it's too soon. I long to see her in my dreams. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Have been thinking about you sweetie. Did you get the book, "Tear Soup?" chi Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 Oh my goodness, no - but I will! My friend sent me a bunch of books and I became engrossed in them and just forgot to order. I will go on Amazon tomorrow, hopefully they should have it. Link to comment
kalikat Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Misskitty - So sorry for all you have gone thru. And even though we ALL have to go thru this, it is different for each and every one of us. How we grieve, how long we grieve, etc... My father passed away almost 12 years ago, and there is still not one day that goes by that I don't think of him. Two weeks after dad passed away, mom had a massive stroke which left her speechless and in a wheelchair. For 5 years we watched her slowly disintegrate, until she finally passed on as well. So, yeah - it isn't easy. But you learn to deal with the pain & sadness. It may never go away, but it will become tolerable. Life will never be as it was before, but you will find a new definition for your life. What I have found is that the connection between you and those you have lost will come when YOU are ready for it to come. There are lots of issues floating around you right now. And the last thing your loved one wants to do is make you sadder. They want the connection to bring you joy, not pain. So you may not sense her yet. But I am certain you will Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 I am sorry, Kalikat - you went through five years of what I only went through for three months (the effects of the stroke). And I thought three months was rough. I can't even imagine five years of it. I hope you are right about sensing her. Perhaps I am "blocked" emotionally right now and when I am calmer I will feel her presence. Link to comment
kalikat Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I know you will feel her presence, MissKitty. I believe it will be at the moment when you realize that thinking of her brings a smile instead of tears. Hugs to you. Remember - there are always people here who care Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 My Dad passed away on July 4th, so the fireworks etc. hold a different meaning for me. Yes, we have all been through it. It is a part of living to learn how to survive the death of our loved ones, sadly. chi Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 My Dad passed away on July 4th, so the fireworks etc. hold a different meaning for me. Yes, we have all been through it. It is a part of living to learn how to survive the death of our loved ones, sadly. chi I am sorry about your Dad - I can't imagine how hard last night must have been - and the loud fireworks probably making it harder. Mom was on a ventilator at Thanksgiving, home with me at Christmas, back to a few more hospitals, then gone by February. So November through February are going to be something. Christmas will be the hardest since she was cognizant then, and we had a beautiful night and she was home and touched my face as I read to her (she was unable to speak). Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 I went to a psychiatrist today. He didn't say much, and sent me home with four prescriptions and wants me to also see a therapist. I don't know about all this....maybe I should just cry it out until I feel better. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Well, that is the correct procedure. Psychiatrists prescribe medz and therapists actively listen and offer suggestions. I think that you are on the right track, myself. chi Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 Well, that is the correct procedure. Psychiatrists prescribe medz and therapists actively listen and offer suggestions. I think that you are on the right track, myself. chi It's a lot of meds - two anti-depressants, a sleep drug and Ativan (to ween me down because I am currently on a fairly high dose of it). So two anti-depressants and two benzos - my head might explode Seems an odd combo. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 It's a lot of meds - two anti-depressants, a sleep drug and Ativan (to ween me down because I am currently on a fairly high dose of it). So two anti-depressants and two benzos - my head might explode Seems an odd combo. Psychiatrists are EXTREMELY EDUCATED, so I would definitely trust their judgment as to what they prescribe to you. chi Link to comment
catfeeder Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I went to a psychiatrist today. He didn't say much, and sent me home with four prescriptions and wants me to also see a therapist. I don't know about all this....maybe I should just cry it out until I feel better. You can get the therapist's opinion about the meds, but definitely see a talk therapist. Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 You can get the therapist's opinion about the meds, but definitely see a talk therapist. I think talk therapy would be best. I don't like the idea of all these meds. I don't judge, but for me, I am just not comfortable with it. I would almost rather feel the pain (for awhile). I remember my mom towards the end and they had her on all those drugs and she was in another world. I know that her situation was different (plus, she had brain damage), but still. I think the first order of business is to ween myself off the lorazepem. I hear benzos are the devil if you have been depressed. :subdued: I will do it slowly and carefully. Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 On top of everything else, I have to sell my childhood home. I am very depressed. But as much as I want to stay, maybe I will be less sad in a new place, not surrounded by all her things. Or maybe I will feel worse because I feel she "comes with the house" and I fear I won't feel her. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 On top of everything else, I have to sell my childhood home. I am very depressed. But as much as I want to stay, maybe I will be less sad in a new place, not surrounded by all her things. Or maybe I will feel worse because I feel she "comes with the house" and I fear I won't feel her. My advice is for you to take things that remind you of her with you when you move. I have many kitchen items, for example, that remind me of my Mom that I took with me. It helps a lot. chi Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 My advice is for you to take things that remind you of her with you when you move. I have many kitchen items, for example, that remind me of my Mom that I took with me. It helps a lot. chi Absolutely. I will take all the little bric-a-brac and trinkets from her room, among other things. She has a lot of china and all, but I will be moving by car with cats and my space will be so limited. So I am sad that I cannot take everything that I would like. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 So I am sad that I cannot take everything that I would like. Well, my Mom was a pack rat, so I smiled when you said you would like to take everything. I could just see me loaded down. chi Link to comment
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