Am I overreacting?

My wife has issues handling stress. Rather than handling it like I feel most would she essentially has a nervous breakdown. That is really just "background" information for the issue at hand.

Yesterday I found out that she told a coworker that I am an . There was no reason for this, meaning we weren't fighting nor did anything bad happen. She said this in an email that was accidentally sent to me as well. The topic of the email was simply to ask a question about a contract. She simply stated that we felt that certain verbiage was misleading. She ended the email telling the coworker that I am my brother's brother and that meant that I was an , followed by a smiley face. This is somebody I have never met and probably will never meet.

My issue is that she seemed to be in good spirits when composing the email but her excuse was that she is over-stressed and not thinking clearly. She has since apologized for saying what she did but hasn't redacted the statement (she hasn't told me her statement weren't her true feelings). That tells me that she truly does feel this way. However, whether or not she does isn't the issue. The issue is that she spoke badly about me to a third party. This really upsets me and I feel is unforgivable. I am a very private person and tell her over and over that any issues we may have should not be shared with others. Even if we are fighting I make it a point to not say a single bad word about her to others because I know once you say it you can't take it back.

So I'm wondering if others feel that I am blowing it out of proportion or if there is good reason for me to be upset by it. If we didn't have to be together last night, to sign our wills, I would have gone to a hotel rather than stay at the house. We really haven't spoken since I confronted her about it other than the necessary conversation at the lawyer's office and through text, her apologizing and telling me why it happened (her being stressed).

I don't think you're overreacting. She basically disrespected you behind your back to someone else, rather than talking to you about it. That's not a very mature way to handle her feelings, even if she does feel that way.

Even if you never meet that person, she told someone who isn't you that she felt badly about you. That doesn't speak very well to how she thinks of you in general.

I think you are over reacting. She called you a name, in reference to your brother....and put a smiley face.

While you don't think it is amusing --- it is easily forgiven and forgotten --- it is not a relationship felony.

And you are blowing it completely out of proportion.

Wow. I am sure that really really hurt.

It is really difficult to know why she said that without knowing more about the context.

Do you and your wife work together? It sounds like you both discussed the wording in a contract so that is why I was wondering about that.

If that is the case, did you tell her to email that coworker? Is it possible that she did not agree with you?

Another possibility is that she may have a difficult time asking for the contract changes - she may feel worried that she is inconveniencing the other coworker by asking for changes in the wording. So she may simply have tried to make you look like the bad guy, implying that you are the one inconveniencing him.

My ex always has had a tough time saying no to people and would smile and give them a vague answer in a very positive way- which led them to think he was saying yes. Or he would say yes to something that conflicted with our set plans and when I asked him why - he said he didn't want the other person to feel bad, so he said yes to them and blew off our plans.

You can imagine how that made me feel.

Another possibility is that perhaps you really are treating her in a hurtful manner but that she simply didn't feel comfortable confronting you.

Or she may have been trying to open the door to a relationship or emotional affair with that coworker.

In any case, what she wrote was highly unprofessional and extremely hurtful to your marriage, and if you have any hope of saving your marriage you will need to go to a relationship counselor- preferably one that can teach you both some solid relationship and communication skills.

In the meantime, you will get better results in your marriage if you try to set aside your anger because that is only going to make her defensive and will verify what she said. A better approach is to have a heart to heart two way discussion in which you tell her how deeply, deeply hurt you are.

Find a counselor for your marriage now!

I agree with mhowe. I think you are overreacting.

Really, I don't even consider what she said "talking bad about you". It's a bit of a grumble for SURE, but it's not an out-and-out talking smack. I would take a comment like "he's his brother's brother" to mean "aaack! annoying - but I love him anyways".

I also agree that it was probably more about not wanting to ask for contract wording changes and shifting the blame to you.

I wouldn't be upset about this at all, other than maybe a minor annoyance. Sleeping in a hotel is WAY over the top, IMO.

“Am I overreacting?”

- Wrong question.

Instead, why is my wife talking to other people, (man?), about our marriage? Is my bullying, (hotel), possibly the reason and if so how do I change so I don’t end up divorced.

There are many stages that lead to divorce. You marriage sounds like it in a later stage of its existence.

I don't think you're overreacting. She basically disrespected you behind your back to someone else, rather than talking to you about it. That's not a very mature way to handle her feelings, even if she does feel that way.

 

Even if you never meet that person, she told someone who isn't you that she felt badly about you. That doesn't speak very well to how she thinks of you in general.

This is basically my thinking as well. She doesn't think I'm an **** but used that word to convey how difficult I can be at times (and I wholeheartedly agree that I can and am difficult at times). It would be one thing if she said it to somebody that knows me well, because they would understand her meaning, but to say it to somebody that doesn't know me is what I took issue with.

I think you are over reacting. She called you a name, in reference to your brother....and put a smiley face.

While you don't think it is amusing --- it is easily forgiven and forgotten --- it is not a relationship felony.

And you are blowing it completely out of proportion.

I tend to agree, I believe I am blowing it out of proportion but, for some reason, getting over it isn't as easy as I'd like. Being that I can't seem to get over it I thought that may be a sign that I am not blowing it out of proportion (I hope that makes sense). She feels HORRIBLE about it and I know she is suffering due which isn't a good feeling, knowing my reaction is causing her pain.

Thanks for the "no nonsense" post.

It is irrelevant. And I bet if someone asked this coworker about you --- she wouldn't say "his wife thinks he's an A$$". That person would say "who".

You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

I agree with mhowe. I think you are overreacting.

 

Really, I don't even consider what she said "talking bad about you". It's a bit of a grumble for SURE, but it's not an out-and-out talking smack. I would take a comment like "he's his brother's brother" to mean "aaack! annoying - but I love him anyways".

 

I also agree that it was probably more about not wanting to ask for contract wording changes and shifting the blame to you.

 

I wouldn't be upset about this at all, other than maybe a minor annoyance. Sleeping in a hotel is WAY over the top, IMO.

I think this post pretty much hits the nail on the head. I'm the type that over-analyzes EVERYTHING (which is why I'm at the top of my profession) and that causes issues in my personal life (however I am unable to turn it off).

It is irrelevant. And I bet if someone asked this coworker about you --- she wouldn't say "his wife thinks he's an A$$". That person would say "who".

You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

It's pretty amazing yet sad at the same time that after reading your posts and RedDress' my frustration/"hurtness" (that needs to be a word) has gone away. I'm very glad I found this website as it was exactly what I needed, level-headed thinking and directness.

I don't think you're overreacting. She owes you a sincere apology for disrespecting you like that to a stranger when she knows how you feel about putting personal business to 3rd parties--that is what the issue is. If she had no idea how you felt, that would be one thing. But she does.

If she apologizes for you taking it the wrong way, then you need to really take a step back with her. I'd be upset. Being stressed is not an excuse. At any time, she could have proof read her email and deleted what she said before she hit "send" on it. I'd also be concerned that it was only by happenstance that you were cc'd on the email--God only knows what else she's said about you to others and you weren't cc'd on the email. She may be making a habit out of doing this and that's why she didn't pay attention to the details.