jealousy with gf hanging out with male friend

hi every one, first time poster here. is it strange to have feelings of jealousy that my gf and a close male friend of mine are hanging out together? i've known this male friend for years and i've been with my gf for 4 years. i like my friend and i love my gf, she's great and i feel like i trust her enough, she's very committed to me. but i feel weird that they are spending time together alone, they dont hang out often though. and i wouldn't mind her hanging out with her girl friends or guys if it was a group, just this one on one thing is strange. please help!

That's some "friend" you have there. Yep he's a real close friend to be hanging out with your girl.

well the thing is they are not hanging out often. i should have been more clear about that in my first post sorry, they are only hanging out to go to the movies to watch horror flicks since i dont like watching horror movies so he's kind of become her horror flick buddy. seems she's thinking of making this a regular thing since horror movies bore me and i dont feel like going. neither one of them have given me a reason to doubt them, me and my gf spends lots of time together but we are also pretty independent of each other and dont usually give the other a problem if they feel like hanging out with some one. the only difference in this case compared to the past is that before it would always be with a group of people, not a one on one situation. so i would like to know is it alright to be feeling weird/uneasy about this or am i making a big deal out of nothing?

No girlfriend of mine would be hanging out with one of my close mates. If she did, there had better be a damm good reason for it.

No I don't think your over-reacting - the whole situation is dodgy. Your close friend does not need to hang out with her to watch horror flicks and neither does she.

i guess you have a point. what your saying actually is how i was feeling from the start. just needed some justification i guess. thanks! i'll have a talk wit her about this tonight pretty much

I agree that it isn't appropriate. She doesn't have any girlfriends to.see.horror flicks with? I also suspect that there is more to the story. Your gut is screaming at you. Are you picking up any subtle hints of mutual attraction between them?

No girlfriend of mine would be hanging out with one of my close mates. If she did, there had better be a damm good reason for it.

What's your specific issue, exactly? I mean you're talking about your girlfriend and close friend. If you can't trust either of these people who exactly can you trust?

Ok let us know how it goes. It just doesn't sit right for those two to be hanging out alone. And as good old Judge Judy always says in court "If it doesn't make sense, it's usually not true".

What's your specific issue, exactly? I mean you're talking about your girlfriend and close friend. If you can't trust either of these people who exactly can you trust?

The issue is they have no business to be hanging out together socially. Most people wouldn't put up with it.

My phone won't let me edit a post. But I wanted to add this. My boyfriend often goes out to lunch with his ex girlfriend. Normally this situation would make my head spin right off. However, I see how they are together and I can tell that all romantic feelings are gone. Therefore my gut doesn't say a peep about this at all. I trust them both.

If you are freaking out, it doesn't matter what the situation is...you are probably picking up on something subtle that is undefined but real.

That sounds completely harmless to me. But maybe I'm missing something obvious? She likes horror movies, and you don't. She goes to see them with a mutual friend on an admittedly infrequent basis. I mean, I can sort of understand the concern if they were randomly hanging out for no reason all of the sudden--but you've stated that there's a clear occasion which drives it, and presumably the situation wouldn't come up at all if you liked horror movies and wanted to tag along.

The issue is they have no business to be hanging out together socially.

Actually it does sound like they have clear business. He's a mutual friend who likes horror movies, which the OP doesn't seem to like, so they happen to hang out when this situation arises.

Most people wouldn't put up with it.

The amount of people who would be bothered by something doesn't validate the position. Insecurity is insecurity, regardless of whether it's a dozen or thousands of people who have it.

If you are freaking out, it doesn't matter what the situation is...you are probably picking up on something subtle that is undefined but real.

That may be true sometimes, but it's generally my experience that these feelings are completely irrational 90% of the time. For example, I do not have have a heterosexual cell in my entire body. However, that still does not stop the boyfriend of one of my better female friends from getting jealous occasionally when I spend time with her alone (which we often do--movies, dinner, etc). The funny thing is that he knows and trusts that I'm gay but just can't kick the "Omg a competing penis!" feeling. He's even told me that he gets mad at himself for feeling jealous but just can't stop it. He has gotten much better over time though. Sometimes the battle of logic and reason over kneejerk emotions isn't something that can be won overnight.

wow thanks every one for the input. no she doesn't have many female friends or friends in general. i'd say she only has one female friend "they barely hang out since her friend works a lot and has a bf of her own as well as other responsibilities. so i'd say i'm her only friend while the rest are acquaintances. i'm not picking up on any weird vibe like attraction/flirting or anything like that. i've seen how they are toward each other we all hung out with some people at a bar the other night and they were just friendly, making jokes and what not. i think my issue isn't with not trusting one of them, but just feelings of it being inappropriate to be hanging out with one another alone with out me since practically the only reason they are friends to begin with is because of me. i mean in my entire life i dont think i've ever asked to hang out with the gf of a friend alone unless i had some secret motive. i guess another thing that bothers me is that he just got out of a 6 year relationship a few months ago and he is very social, i'm feeling like "oh, he has plenty of friends, why does he have to hang out with my gf to do this thing out of all those people?" but my gf is kind of to blame too since she started this thing. so yea i dont know

also Mauxly i really wouldn't like it if she was spending time with any of her ex's, thats even worse then the friend thing since they actually had a relationship in the past. that seems kind of shady to me, no reason your current love interest should be spending time alone with an ex for any reason.

Ask her how she would feel if you had a regular movie date with one of her friends.

And if you were straight? Would you still be hanging out with this girl? Or would her man put his foot down.

Actually it does sound like they have clear business. He's a mutual friend who likes horror movies, which the OP doesn't seem to like, so they happen to hang out when this situation arises.

 

 

 

The amount of people who would be bothered by something doesn't validate the position. Insecurity is insecurity, regardless of whether it's a dozen or thousands of people who have it.

Normally I would agree with you. However, they have been together for four years. I'm assuming that this is the first time he's felt threatened. I have this weird feeling that there is something deeper than movies here.

If he trusted her, trusted his.friend, and didn't catch a vibe...I don't think he'd be on ENA about a few horror flicks.

I've been cheated on multiple times in my past and sought counseling to learn how to trust men again. This is somewhat counter intuitive, but my counselor taught me to trust my gut...and that has actuality lead to trusting my boyfriend. In the past, when my gut was screaming bloody murder I made justifications for them and blamed it on my insecurity...only to find out that they were cheating or were having an emotional affair that eventually came to the horrid logical conclusion.

It is really counter intuitive to defeat trust issues and insecurity by actually believing yourself when you see a red flag and not pushing it under the rug. But it works. It really does.

well when you've been with any one this long of course your going to have your going to have some problems, arguments, jealousy etc. it really doesn't happen often. and i did feel this way once before when we first started dating she went out to dinner with one of her ex's and two other friends. but i didn't mind that much at the time since we still weren't that serious. i'd say i haven't felt this way since that time. i'm on this site because i have no one to talk to about this situation, i dont have many friends my self as well and people online have interesting perspectives/theories so i felt i should give it a shot for a change instead of just bringing it up and talking about it with me thinking about it on my own like i usually do. just this situation i guess is unfamiliar territory to me.

yea i could come along if i wanted to. actually i dont even think she'd ask him to come out if i were willing to watch movies like that with her.

That sounds completely harmless to me. But maybe I'm missing something obvious? She likes horror movies, and you don't. She goes to see them with a mutual friend on an admittedly infrequent basis. I mean, I can sort of understand the concern if they were randomly hanging out for no reason all of the sudden--but you've stated that there's a clear occasion which drives it, and presumably the situation wouldn't come up at all if you liked horror movies and wanted to tag along.

ea i could come along if i wanted to. actually i dont even think she'd ask him to come out if i were willing to watch movies like that with her.

It is really counter intuitive to defeat trust issues and insecurity by actually believing yourself when you see a red flag and not pushing it under the rug. But it works. It really does.

Let's assume for the sake of argument that this is a red flag, that something sinister is indeed afoot. What is telling her to stop going to the movies with this guy going to achieve? To rein her in until the next possible tempation comes along, at which point you'll have to yank on the collar once again?

And if you were straight? Would you still be hanging out with this girl? Or would her man put his foot down.

Well, she's the kind of person who would not be in a relationship with a guy who would think he could "put his foot down", so I don't think the situation would change too much. While he may get jealous he doesn't let it stop him acting rationally, and that's the point. We all have kneejerk emotions sometimes. The trick is to acknowledge them for what they are rather than be controlled by them.

On the flipside, I do have a few gay friends I hang out with--although not a ton as I do live in a small town. I know a couple whom I hang out with both individually an as a couple. Generally speaking I don't think this dillemma arises all that much in the gay and lesbian community. I mean, no one questions whether two gay men can be friends, for example. But there's always a skepticism around whether a straight guy and straight woman can be friends. Ultimately I think that's the underlying prejudice. It leads people to ask "Why couldn't she go to the movies with a female instead?!?" as they just can't comprehend it happening with a guy on a pure friendship level.

*he's kind of become her horror flick buddy.* With that statement sir, I'm going to have to make a *derogatory comment about your manhood* and advise you to swallow a bitter pill and develop a sudden interest in watching horror films w/ your gf & best friend. Stuff like this is the innocent/unwitting beginning of the end of relationships. Telling her to stop hanging w/ your friend would cannotate that you're jealous. This way you can play both sides of the fence and be jealous and not seem like it.

Just a little background on me so you know where I am coming from: I have a lot of guy friends because the college I went to had 1 woman for every 4 men ration. When I would hang out with them alone, go some place with them my BF at the time always knew about. He didn't make me tell him, I would offer the information freely and if he hung out with a female he would do the same thing.

Right now, I don't see anything to worry about. It sounds like they are both very honest with you, don't hid anything, don't get together very often, so I don't see anything suspect. That being said, I think you should talk to your GF in a very non-judgmental way, express your feeling and have an open and honest dialogue with her. If you notice anything like little white lies from either of them, and increase in the amount of time they spent together, how often they communicate then I would start to worry.

well i spoke to her, it didn't go to well. i spoke as rationally and calmly as i could and explained the situation and the way i felt. but to her i came off as i didn't trust her or my friend, and that i'm stopping her from developing a friend ship with some who shares interests with her that not many people have (not even myself) i'm literally the only person she hangs out with "her best female friend she barely hangs out with since she is so busy" it was pretty touch and go for a while, with neither of us truly understanding where the other is coming from, or rather not abandoning our defenses since we're both equally stubborn when we want to be "most of the time she's pretty passive and i'm the aggressor so i get my way pretty often since she thinks fighting about small stuff is petty and a waste of time" so her being so stern about this kind of caught me off guard. no i dont if she's fighting this because something is going on or because she generally does want a friend and feels i should trust her more. before ending the conversation in an awkward silence and us saying "i love you" very cold,nonchalant and we just had a fight it's obvious kind of way, she did bring up i should come with her next time she's out with him if i feel like and reassured me they wont hang out often like twice a month. but i just have the fear i'll keep feeling this way and it'll get worse each time, and that their "twice a month hang outs" will snow ball into becoming more frequent. so in the end i really didn't get want i wanted, i thought i would since i never bring up situations like this.

i hate to admit it, but i'm starting to think maybe i do have trust issues and maybe dont trust her with him. but at the same time i know i wouldn't feel this way if she was out with girl friends or if she was out with a group of guys. just this one alone time is a problem.