Should I find him and tell him he's a father

I'm new to this site and I haven't found any other posts that really ask this, I may not have looked in enough places either. But I'm trying to decide if I should find my son's father and tell him that he has a 2 year old. Some more info: We didn't even really date, it was more of a hook up that lasted more than one night, we used protection, apparently noot very good protection, but the attempt at preventing this was made. I meet someone else, had a period and started dating the new guy. Came up pregnant didn't even consider that it wasn't my boyfriends and we got married. Ultra sound led to doubts and I told my husband, he said that regarldess of what dna might say this was his baby. Now 2 years later not so much. We are divorced and he made sure to verify the paternity. so now I need to decide if I should find him or not. We never really had a relationship, and yes I know that he is the only possible father since my son is not my ex husbands. I just can't imagine how a guy would take finding out three years after a fling that he is a father. I worry because he may try to exert parental rights, or may want nothing to do with him and honestly I can't tell you which response scares me more. He could be married now, have other kids, or who knows what else. I figure he'll either be excited about being a parent and pissed that he found out so late or just pissed and relieved that I'm not asking anything of him. Which is the case, I don't need child support nor do I expect him to suddenly be a full time parent to a lil boy he's never seen before. Any ideas of how I should tell him, any precautions I shoud take, and how he might react?

My neighbor, who is a single parent, took her son to meet his father when he was around 5. His father spent the a couple of hours with him, had fun, and then has never spoke to him again. He even sent my neighbor a letter and denied him as his child and said to never speak of him again. And yes, there was a DNA test that confirmed paternity. The dad is a douchebag, but the impact on the little boy has been heartbreakingly hard. He is 13 now and asks her why his father never wants to see him. See, he remembers his dad and wants to have a dad. My neighbor said that she wishes she had never taken him to see his dad, that way he wouldnt be sad and miserable thinking that his dad doesnt want him and wondering what he did wrong as a child to not deserve his dad's love. How would you like to explain that one? I wouldnt.

That is something that scares me, but I would not let him see my son until we had discussed things many times and he had time to adjust to the idea and make a decision. I now that the first reaction to hezaring it may not go so hot, but I have an older son who never knew his father, he died when he was 3 and we lived accross the country from each other after he was born. He says that he wants to have a father, and I don't want to deny my younger son the chance to know his. I'm just scared of reactions like you describe.

I say do everything that you can to protect your son and let the father know. It will be a shock to him, so give him some time after telling him to adjust to the news.

You had your period after you slept with him?

Then you started sleeping with your ex and (I'm assuming) you didn't go back and sleep with this fling?

Then it can't be the flings baby.

I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way.

I really don't know that I have any advice for you but I just want to say that you are not alone. I had my son when I was 20 and never saw his father again, like you it was a hook up type situation that was over before I realised I was pregnant.

I often wonder if I should have found him, or if I would even have been able to.

I was terribly afraid that as I didn't know him well that we might have ended up in a worse situation than being alone, that he might have been abusive or that as he was older he might have had a partner that I didn't know about.

My son is a happy ten old child now and I have always been as honest with him as is appropriate for his age as to why he does not have his father in his life. I have made sure that he has good male role models to emulate but I will never know if I made the right decision.

I hope that someone will be able to give you the advice that you need but whatever you decide I am sure that you're a good parent who will always do the best for her child and that's worth more than anything else in the world.

You had your period after you slept with him?

Then you started sleeping with your ex and (I'm assuming) you didn't go back and sleep with this fling?

Then it can't be the flings baby.

I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way.

Women can have what appears to be a period after conception. Its called implantation bleeding.

Women can have 2 or 3 periods after conception.

Yup. My friend had a period through her entire pregnancy. In fact she didnt find out she was pregnant until she was 6 months along, because she kept having periods.

I said I had my period but let me qualify that... I had been on the shot for about 8 years, during that time I seldom had a period and it was never the same, heavy one time really light the next. The period in question was a couple days of very light on again off again bleeding, which hadn't been unusual while I was on the shot. I have talked to a doctor about it and she told me that even if you are pregnant a small amount of bleeding is normal, some people even continue their period throughout their pregnancy...

My ex husband had a paternity test done, the fling was the only guy I had been with for 6 months prior to my marriage so if it's not his... I ain't goin there...

What if he finds out he has a son and turns out to be the best father ever?

I said I had my period but let me qualify that... I had been on the shot for about 8 years, during that time I seldom had a period and it was never the same, heavy one time really light the next. The period in question was a couple days of very light on again off again bleeding, which hadn't been unusual while I was on the shot. I have talked to a doctor about it and she told me that even if you are pregnant a small amount of bleeding is normal, some people even continue their period throughout their pregnancy...

My ex husband had a paternity test done, the fling was the only guy I had been with for 6 months prior to my marriage so if it's not his... I ain't goin there...

lmao! Immaculate conception!!!!!

What if he finds out he has a son and turns out to be the best father ever?

This would be the absolute best scenerio. And for the sake of her little boy, I hope this is what happens!

I would tell him... but expect nothing from him. Allow him to make the choice to be involved or not, because regardless of what kind of father he is, his child will want to know. And it's only fair to both.

Hookups are certainly harmless fun, aren't they?

You made a grave mistake when you didn't tell him as soon as you found out. You absolutely 100% need to tell him today. Any rights he has to his son are his rights and yes, he may exercise them, or he may not, but that is his choice. You also have the right to ask him for support if you retain custody.

You should apologize for taking away the first 2 years of his life as a father. He'll never be able to get those years back and your decision to keep his child a secret from him is the sole reason for that. You should consider being extra generous to him when/if there is a custody hearing as you had the child all to your self for 2 years without giving him a choice.

You can't keep someone's child a secret from them because it serves you. Tell him today. If I were him, I'd be getting a lawyer to find out what my options are regarding a remedy for keeping my son from me.

And that is why I am looking for him but that is a big what if, it could also go what if he is married and this causes unreparable damage to his marriage, or a million other things. I'm really not to worried about it if he has no interest in it because then we just go on as before, but if he wants to be there that will be a big change in our lives, or if he decides that he wants to make up for lost time and try to take custody. Sooo many questions that I won't be able to answer on my own...

The only reason I didn't tell him was because I had no reason to think there was a chance my son wasn't my ex-husbands until 4 months after the fact, and even then I didn't really think the baby wasn't my ex-husband's until he got a test during our divorce. My ex-husband made me swear that I would never contact him about the baby. Telling him right away is a bit more difficult as I did not stay in contact and he was military, so chances of him even being in the area are slim to none 3 years later. I am hiring a private investigator to find him this week as online searches have produced no results.

lmao! Immaculate conception!!!!!

you sooo went there....

It's a hard decision to make, but think about the outcome. Your son will either have a good father or one who doesn't want to hear about him. He is still a young boy and that is good because the consequences wouldn't be as hard as it would if he was older.

I would find the father, because I believe he needs to know he has a child. Regardless if he has a family or not. Ultimately it's your decision to make, but think of the future and when your son is old enough to know the truth. You will have to lie to him all his life or tell him he has a father you never bothered to contact about his existence.

What if he is 18 and the father doesn't want to know about him? That will hurt him more than you doing it now, and if the man wants nothing to do with him you can tell him when he is old enough to know (adult) that you went looking for the father but he didn't want to accept the child. I personally would choose the latter, because your son wont blame you for lying to him in order to protect him; whereas he would blame you if you lied to him and he found out the truth somehow, or if you told him you never bothered to find the father in order to protect his feelings as a child.

It's a tough situation, but I think your child would be more forgiving if you lied to protect him because the father didn't want him rather than to simply lie because you never bothered to find the father and he never had a say in knowing his child.

And that is why I am looking for him but that is a big what if, it could also go what if he is married and this causes unreparable damage to his marriage, or a million other things. I'm really not to worried about it if he has no interest in it because then we just go on as before, but if he wants to be there that will be a big change in our lives, or if he decides that he wants to make up for lost time and try to take custody. Sooo many questions that I won't be able to answer on my own...

Married, single, unemployed whatever...he deserves to have the information and answer the question himself.

Which answer is going to be easier to deal with in 16 years when your son wants to know why he never had his father....

A. Your father wasnt interested in knowing you, but I loved you and tried to be the best mother and father I could.

B. I wasnt interested in telling your father about you.

First off, thank you all for the responses, it has been a great help in putting some questions into better perspective, and others in worse, but hey I need to be prepared regardless.

I want to tell him he has a son, the problem is finding him to do so. As I said he is/was military and that is making it difficult, he also has a pretty common name as I've found trying to find him. I realise that I made the decision to not tell him, but that does not mean that I am going to just walk up to him and offer my child up as a sacrifice for my mistake. Once I find him there will be questions answered before I tell him about his son, not only to reassure myself, but to decide how best to tell him, "hey, remember me and that crazy weekend back in 07? Yea... by the way your a father..." just doesnt seem to be the way to go.

If you do find him, you can write him a letter with your address and make it as kind and non-threatening as you can, let him know why after all this time you are deciding to come forward. You can gauge his response then.

I mean, if he never replies, or responds for you to leave him alone, you have your answer and best not to say anything to your son about it all.

Or maybe you could converse with him for a while before agreeing to allow him to visit.

I would also offer him the opportunity for paternity testing if he is at all concerned and wants to question that which, at this point, he would have every right to.

I never knew my dad! My mom killed herself when I was nine. She took this secret to her grave, leaving me with this empty hole I'll never have a answer to.

If you feel it is to hard at this point, maybe it would be good to record all you know of him sow your son may look for him when he is 18.

It's hard living and not knowing your biological dad.

I am bipolar and there is a lot of research in the field, but most of the time I'm always dropped from taking part in these research programs due to not having the information on my family background. "Not knowing my dad"

Most research programs for anything medical in life today need some background of both parents. It could hurt him in future in ways you can't think of at this point, sow please don't keep him in the dark about his father.