"The Talk"

Online, I met the guy I am seeing now. We have been writing to each other since this past winter '09. He will usually email me a few times a week, unless he is really busy or not at his computer.

We have lots in common (similar background, interests, values, physical chemistry) and both college students. He began 3rd year med school and I am pursing my bachelor's degree. At this point, he is not sure which area or medicine he will be pursuing or where his medical residency will be.

In mid April, we met for the first time. We have been on four dates so far. We live an hour and a half away from each other and take turns visiting each others cities.

Last night, we went out and he introduced me to an acquaintance of his that bumped into us as his friend. He was asking about challenging issue in my life and offering suggestions. He told me that he is concerned about me since he is my friend. He has disclosed some private information about his past.

We are both busy and have a lot on our plates. I understand that having a somewhat long-distance relationship (one date = 3hrs of driving round trip) and dating in college, particularly med school, may present a difference in "dating rules". We have been intimate, yet it does not seem like it is all about sex. We talk about a wide range of topics and we go out and do different things. I don't think he is seeing anyone else.

I have a sense that he cares about me yet we never had "the talk". I want to discuss this with him but I want advice on how to pose it to him and when is a good time to start this discussion. While I am not sure exactly where this relationship is headed, I feel there is a connection between us and potential for a relationship. How do I tell him this without sounding weird?

Does it make sense to assume that probably introduced me as his friend either because he only sees me as a friend or may potentially see me as more, yet did not see it appropriate to call me his girlfriend since we haven't had "the talk" yet. FWB seems more like a booty call, which I don't think we are.

Could it be that "the talk" is just as awkward for a guy to bring up as it is for a woman?

If a guy does really like a woman, would he hesitate giving it a label if he is not exactly sure about where he is headed career-wise?

I don't want to rush things but I don't want to be strung along and get dumped if he always knew all along this won't go anywhere.

The guy should bring up the exclusivity talk, I think. Don't push it. If he doesn't bring it up after, say, 2 more dates, then maybe you should ask. It troubles me though that you've already had sex. That usually comes after the "label." He might figure now he can hang out with you and get sex without the necessity of calling you his girlfriend. 1.5 hours is far to drive, but guys will do a lot for sex and female attention.

Oh I went through this!

After I'd been dating my boyfriend for about 3 months I was wondering what we were but neither of us seemed to be saying anything! One day early on we were talking about doctors dating patients (he's a doctor, can't remember why this came up) and he turned the conversation round somehow and called me his girlfriend but didn't say anything else about it. It was driving me mad! He obviously had feelings for me and cared about me a lot, we'd spent a lot of time together but neither of us had really spoken about what we were.

Then one Saturday I just decided to ask him what we were and he said he thought we were exclusive, he'd thought that for a while and was that what I was thinking too? He seemed like he was worried that I thought differently. We spoke about it again a few days later (he was going to work the first time I brought it up) and he said he was glad I'd asked because he'd assumed there was no need to talk about it because we were a couple anyway.

I'd say ask him. Maybe he's just assumed you're exclusive and hasn't felt the need to bring it up. Maybe he's nervous about mentioning it. Maybe he's waiting for you to ask. Who knows. But it was driving me mad not being sure what we were. I was so pleased I'd asked him after and he was glad I'd asked too because I wasn't sure.

What's the worst that can happen, right? Good luck!

We have already had sex, so I can't go back there.

If you are comfortable enough having sex with him then you should be comfortable enough to ask him if you two are officially a couple.

I was thinking of bringing it up the next time we see each other (5th date). I think it would be best to do this in person. I am just nervous on how to put it!

I think you should give it more time considering you've only physically seen each other a few times.

Give him a chance to get a sense of what a relationship with you may be like.

Then, if he doesn't bring it up within a reasonable time (that depends a lot on you and how long you are willing to be ambiguous for), you ask.

In the meantime, you can learn more about him and how he rolls and whether or not you can see yourself in a relationship with him .....with his sure to be hectic schedule for a long time, and possible moves to somewhere further away for work.

Are you looking for something long term at this point in your life?

The guy should bring up the exclusivity talk, I think. Don't push it. If he doesn't bring it up after, say, 2 more dates, then maybe you should ask. It troubles me though that you've already had sex. That usually comes after the "label." He might figure now he can hang out with you and get sex without the necessity of calling you his girlfriend. 1.5 hours is far to drive, but guys will do a lot for sex and female attention.

I agree with this.

If you are comfortable enough having sex with him then you should be comfortable enough to ask him if you two are officially a couple.

Uh yeah. I think so. I work with someone who was completely resistant to talking to her SO about just this topic. I have had girls ask me "are we bf and gf?" I have had them insist on exclusivity if we are having sex and I recall a time after I brought up exclusivity the woman I was dating said "I already assumed that we were exclusive."

That is a long distance relationship, and that I think is really difficult to maintain, you have every right to ask about exclusivity. I wouldn't sweat the fact that he introduced you as his friend, that is probably because he just doesn't know how to introduce you now because you haven't spoken about it.

I have never been in an LDR, I just can't do it. What are the expectations there?