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Thread: How do I make her realize she's WRONG?

  1. #1
    tommyknocker
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    Angry How do I make her realize she's WRONG?

    My GF and I have been together for almost 5 months. She is the GIRL OF MY DREAMS in every possible way. We fit together perfectly, she's everything I've been looking for. I am so in love with her it hurts. When I think about ever losing her, I start shaking cause it scares me so bad.

    Everything was going really well (I thought) until a few days ago. I pride myself in treating a woman well, and I've been the perfect boyfriend to her... paying for meals, always letting her know how beautiful she is, getting her little gifts just because. Seriously I have done NOTHING wrong as a boyfriend, I'm always there for her, and we haven't even had sex yet because I'm respecting her wish to wait! It's hard to do, but that's how much I love her.

    I should also mention, I KNOW she loves me back. When I say "I love you" she says it right back. She said she's never felt this way about someone before.

    Ummm anyway. Flashforward to a few days ago. I was going to drive up to visit her for a 3 days (we live an hr. and a half away) and out of the blue she drops this bomb. She says she's "confused" and isn't sure how she's feeling... and that she wants a "break." UMMM excuse me?

    I know exactly what's going on. She's scared because the love is so intense. She even said that to me once - that she's never had someone love her this much and it scares her. And now she's running from it because she's afraid of being in love. She's had a lot of bad relationship experiences, including something that was almost rape, so i know she has trouble getting close to people, and will run away instead of letting go and opening up. So right now, I know she's in love with me like I am with her - but her intimacy issues are making her want to flee instead of continue our relationship.

    Anyway. We got in a fight on the phone, it was pretty late at night, but I decided to drive up and just sleep outside her place in my car, so I could see her in the morning. I sent her a text message saying to call me when she woke up.

    In the morning, I surprised her at her door with some flowers, and said I was sorry for fighting and was 100% willing to forget all the stuff she said last night, and keep moving forward with our relationship. But when I tried to kiss her, she refused, and said she really needed "a break to think things through." I asked her what she needed to think through, and she said she wasn't sure she liked me romantically! She said she thought of me as a best friend but not really as a boyfriend, and it was stressing her out. Well I told her that was BS because through her words and actions, she clearly has feelings for me. It's obvious, she's just in denial because she's afraid to get close to someone. It ended with both of us in tears and she said to just give her some space for a week.

    Today she didn't answer any of my calls or text messages and I'm mad beyond belief.... I can't believe she would throw away such an amazing relationship. I know we're not broken up yet but I feel like she might end things soon. Which TERRIFIES me so bad. I understand she's afraid, but she CAN'T let that destroy what we have. I won't let it happen. I just need to make her see that it's not scary for her to be in love with me and that everything will be OK, if she just relaxes and lets go. She's high strung so she has trouble doing that. ARRRRRRG. I just need to her to see how perfect we are for each other. This is a once in a lifetime thing, what we have. No way can she just throw that away because she's scared.

    How can I ease her fears so she wants to stay with me?

  2. #2
    velvetapathy
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    back off and let her have some space, if you continue to call/text/give her gifts you stand a good chance of just pushing her away. She has made her wishes known and you should respect that. I know it is hard but sometimes that is all you can do.

  3. #3
    jp89
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    This is something she has to do on her own. You can't always fix her problems. Just let her take a break. It's only been a 5 month relationship. to tell you the truth, I can almost guarantee it's not love. Just take some time off. If you keep bugging her, it'll push her away

  4. #4
    punk76
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    back off for a bit man. sleeping in your car outside her house is not as romantic as you think it is. also, if she is saying no, she probably means it, but at least take her words at face value.
    Last edited by punk76; 09-26-2007 at 03:10 AM.

  5. #5
    Honneur

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    ncluding something that was almost rape,
    This stuck out to me. You didn't do anything wrong. I can tell that you blame yourself, because you strongly emphasize that you treat her perfectly. My philosophy is to never date a girl who has been raped, abused, pregnant, or married in the past. It tends to not work out a lot of the time. Harsh, but I learned it the hard way. Anyway, that doesn't really help you at all.

    I can only guess as to why she is doing this. Maybe because of her turbulent past, but I don't think so. If that were the case, why would she spend 5 months with you, exchange the L word, even confront the topic of sex, only to feel scared 5 months down the road? I think it's something different.
    Maybe she is just scared, and needs some time to be alone to realize how much she misses you in that time, which is a hopeful idea to cling to. There could also be another guy in the picture, and like most women, would rather take a "break" to investigate it rather than be upfront.

    You don't know, and certainly no one on here will know why she is doing what she's doing. Let me ask you this instead. Why are you torturing yourself? Why do you call her and try to erase everything with promises and flowers and sleeping outside her house? Those are bandaid solutions for her internal problems. She has to fix them on her own, without your help. The more you push the relationship on her, the more she will back up. Torturing yourself with the "how" and "why" of this will kill you!!!! I've been through that sh** storm more than once. You now have no way of knowing what she is doing. Worry about YOU now. Don't push her memory out of your life, but DON'T contact her. There's nothing you can do for her. Instead, just be patient. Keep yourself busy. She will contact you, with whatever decision she makes. Only then will you understand. There may yet be hope my friend. Cling to that hope until you know for sure.

  6. #6
    Gath
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    Quote Originally Posted by tommyknocker [Register to see the link]
    My GF and I have been together for almost 5 months. She is the GIRL OF MY DREAMS in every possible way. We fit together perfectly, she's everything I've been looking for. I am so in love with her it hurts. When I think about ever losing her, I start shaking cause it scares me so bad.
    you're putting her on a pedestal. Thats unatractive. You're easy for her, which is boring.

    Everything was going really well (I thought) until a few days ago. I pride myself in treating a woman well, and I've been the perfect boyfriend to her... paying for meals, always letting her know how beautiful she is, getting her little gifts just because. Seriously I have done NOTHING wrong as a boyfriend, I'm always there for her, and we haven't even had sex yet because I'm respecting her wish to wait! It's hard to do, but that's how much I love her.
    You're being really easy here. Total doormat. Also untractive.

    I should also mention, I KNOW she loves me back. When I say "I love you" she says it right back. She said she's never felt this way about someone before.
    Words don't mean a lot. Actions do.

    Ummm anyway. Flashforward to a few days ago. I was going to drive up to visit her for a 3 days (we live an hr. and a half away) and out of the blue she drops this bomb. She says she's "confused" and isn't sure how she's feeling... and that she wants a "break." UMMM excuse me?
    You're being excessivly clingly, while at the same time not a challenge, and generally a doormat. You're boring her and the relationship isn't exciting. She's going to break up with you.

    I know exactly what's going on. She's scared because the love is so intense. She even said that to me once - that she's never had someone love her this much and it scares her. And now she's running from it because she's afraid of being in love. She's had a lot of bad relationship experiences, including something that was almost rape, so i know she has trouble getting close to people, and will run away instead of letting go and opening up. So right now, I know she's in love with me like I am with her - but her intimacy issues are making her want to flee instead of continue our relationship.

    Anyway. We got in a fight on the phone, it was pretty late at night, but I decided to drive up and just sleep outside her place in my car, so I could see her in the morning. I sent her a text message saying to call me when she woke up.

    In the morning, I surprised her at her door with some flowers, and said I was sorry for fighting and was 100% willing to forget all the stuff she said last night, and keep moving forward with our relationship. But when I tried to kiss her, she refused, and said she really needed "a break to think things through." I asked her what she needed to think through, and she said she wasn't sure she liked me romantically! She said she thought of me as a best friend but not really as a boyfriend, and it was stressing her out. Well I told her that was BS because through her words and actions, she clearly has feelings for me. It's obvious, she's just in denial because she's afraid to get close to someone. It ended with both of us in tears and she said to just give her some space for a week.

    Today she didn't answer any of my calls or text messages and I'm mad beyond belief.... I can't believe she would throw away such an amazing relationship. I know we're not broken up yet but I feel like she might end things soon. Which TERRIFIES me so bad. I understand she's afraid, but she CAN'T let that destroy what we have. I won't let it happen. I just need to make her see that it's not scary for her to be in love with me and that everything will be OK, if she just relaxes and lets go. She's high strung so she has trouble doing that. ARRRRRRG. I just need to her to see how perfect we are for each other. This is a once in a lifetime thing, what we have. No way can she just throw that away because she's scared.

    How can I ease her fears so she wants to stay with me?
    You've entirely misread the situation. You are now in the "friend zone" for lack of a better term because you were easy and boring. Women admire gentleman but they sleep with cads, because being "nice" is boring and unatractive.

    You're also extremly clingly and acting rather weak. You don't stand up for yourself and don't drive for the things you want. Had you described this situation to me a few weeks ago when things were fine and dandy I would have told you she'd break up with you soon.

    If you want this relationship, then you need to change your behavior pattern. make it clear that you are as worth winning for her as she is for you. Don't be a doormat. Don't put her on some pedastal up on mount olpympus. You may feel like she's a goddess but she sure don't and treating her like one will drive her away from you.

  7. #7
    Clabs
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    Hey tommy - and welcome on here.

    You have come to the right place because lots of people on here have been through what you are experiencing.

    You won't like to hear this but break virtually always = break up.

    Those words - I am confused, I don't know what I want, it's me - not you, I love you but I am not in love with you - BS. This all means the same thing - they don't want to be with you - for whatever reason. She may have met someone else, she may dislike a certain trait in you, she may want to be alone - who knows - even they sometimes don't know. It is as confusing as hell and it hurts like hell.

    So - what can you do? In a nutshell - nothing. You need to leave her alone - that is what she has asked for. You cannot make somone love you - you cannot ease her fears. Stop driving up and sleeping outside her house - you will be seen as a stalker.

    It sounds like this relationship was imbalanced and that you invested heavily in this girl - to the point where you possibly relied on this girl for your happiness. This isn't healthy - you need to be able to make yourself happy first - and anything else will add to your happiness.

    As I say - you cannot make someone love you - they are either in or they are out, and it sounds like she is out fella. As hard as it may seem - step right back from this. Go away and start to accept that this is over. Don't contact her because that will harm your healing. Keep yourself really busy - lean on your friends and family and come back hear when you feel down.

    Have a look at some of the other posts on here - you will se that you are not alone. You will read stories of people who have beeen in a much worse position than yourself who have gotten through a bad break up. They got through it and so will you - but it will take some time.

    Take care fella - it will soon get better.

    Mark

  8. #8
    jujubes
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    This sounds a lot like the situation I had with my (now ex) boyfriend. Let me offer you a different perspective -- one that may be what your girlfriend is experiencing.

    My boyfriend was deeply in love with me. He thought we were "perfect for each other" and told me this often, and thought we had a storybook romance. Like you, he treated me like a queen, told me I was beautiful, was generally a perfect boyfriend.

    However, I could never feel that spark with him. I loved him in the platonic sense, but not more than that. It took me about four months to gather the courage and self-awareness to tell him how I was feeling. Up until that point, I was so flattered to be loved that much, and I mistook it for love of my OWN for a while. But I later realized that was a very selfish thing -- to be in a relationship for the ego boost, and not because I truly loved the other person -- and ended things.

    He was shocked, and told me I was in denial and afraid of being in love (sound familiar?). I understand why he'd think that, because until that point, I didn't give him any red flags about my feelings. From his view, we did have a perfect relationship. But in reality, I was in silent turmoil, stressing about why I didn't feel more passionately about him.

    I have to wonder, if you take your blinders of love/infatuation off, if maybe your girlfriend HAS given you warning signs. Sure, it's possible she does have intimacy issues and runs when things get too intense. But it's also possible -- very possible -- she's telling you the truth. I know because I've been in her shoes.

    Some questions to consider:

    Does she say "I love you" on her own, or only after you've said it?

    I know you two haven't had sex, but how are other things in terms of affection and physical intimacy? Does she seem to be attracted to you, or do you do most of the initiating?

    In the past, did she seem to prioritize you in her life? Or did she continually make other plans instead of seeing you, or cut dates short, etc. (I ask because my boyfriend always wanted to spend more time with me than I did with him)

    Did she care when you went out with female friends, or when you got a call from a female, etc.?

    Did you two ever have arguments (beside the one a few nights ago)? If so, what were they about?

    Has she had other relationships after the rape experience that she DIDN'T run from?

  9. #9
    Momene
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    Sorry but I'm afraid that it's you that's wrong. I've been in your position and I've only realised quite recently how bad it is. I'm afraid that love stories and romantic love songs like "I can't live without you", etc, etc are a load of trash when it comes to the real world. You don't love your girlfriend but are obsessed with her. The chances are, you're just worshipping an image you have of her, which isn't.

    This may sound harsh but I've been there and designed the T-shirt on this one.

  10. #10
    nuttybuddy
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    Oooo, i think Jujube's got a good point. and her questions are tough! but good!!!! yeah... can u please answer those questions for us?

  11.  

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