A bit about my past.

Well, today is my birthday. The family didn't remember, but I don't honestly know what I expected. My friends have been real stars though. I'm going to tell you a bit about my past, simply because it would get complicated otherwise, and I wouldn't make any sense. It's not particularly tragic- especially compared to some of your lives, I'm sure.

When I was six years old, my grandmother passed away. I was the only one in the house at the time, and I was the one that found her. Being six, I didn't know anything was wrong, I thought she was just sleeping. When my Mum and Dad came home and found her dead, they thought it was my fault. On my seventh birthday, not long after she had died, they chucked me out of their home. They had thought I didn't care about my grandmother because I hadn't done anything when she died. Even though I didn't know she was dead. I tried to plead with them, but they wouldn't listen. I didn't know what to do. I got into a routine of getting food wherever I could find it, and sleeping under a bush for shelter. I continued to go to school as normal. Eventually, the teachers found out and I lived with my best friend for a while. However, her dad died a year later of illness, when she and I were nine. I had formed a great bond with him- he had been like a real dad to me. I didn't feel it was fair of me to greave for him though, so I tried to help my friend through it. I guess I kept it all in. Not long after that, I was in town when I saw my brother (my hero), who was two years older than me. Apparently he had been looking for me ever since I had been chucked out, but was punished for this by my mum and dad. He never gave up. When we saw each other, he ran towards me. I can still see it all so clearly. He got run over by a car as he was running towards me. It was all my fault. He died in my arms before the ambulance came. I've never fogiven myself for his death. That's around when I started cutting. I felt that I could never have anyone around me, because anyone close to me seemed to die or get killed. Nobody ever knew/ knows I cut. I'm a very happy person on the outside. After this happened, social services found out about me not living with me parents, and they were forced to give me a home again. Though I was now responsible for two deaths. Ever since then, I have been a frequent cutter. My parents hate me, but I am very lucky because I have the best group of friends ever. They are totally awesome. Sometimes, they are the only reason I stay alive. I could never tell them I cut. I wouldn't want to ruin what I have.

It doesn't matter if you didn't read all that, but I just felt you needed to know the basics. I wont write down the whole lot- far too boring I'm sure. I am very surprised to have got through today so far without cutting. With hope, I will last the whole day.

Congratulations on resisting the compulsion to cut! I can imagine that requires a lot of strength. Good for you for finding it!

I'm confused about a couple of things in your life story; maybe you can straighten me out:

Your parents blamed a six-year-old for your grandma's death because you didn't realize she was not just sleeping.

They were so angry, in fact, that they put you on the street on your 7th birthday.

You lived under a bush and scrounged food until you were 8, and nobody called the police to have your parents arrested and have you placed in foster care.

You remained in school, your teachers found out about all this, and they didn't call.

You lived with a friend until you were 9, and her parents didn't call.

Your brother didn't find you for two years, even though you were still going to the same school. He didn't think to tell someone to call the cops, either.

He spotted you from accross the street one day, ran to you, got hit by a car, and died in your arms.

That's when Social Services finally found out about you, and they sent you right back to live with the parents who had abandoned you to the streets at barely age 7.

Here in the States a story like that would have made big national news. Your parents would have done time, and the teachers, your friend's folks and the Social Services workers would have been in pretty big trouble as well. I guess my question is this: are you sure none of this is false memories? My ex-wife's brother used to think that some really incredible stuff had happened to him (like that Fidel Castro was out to get him, that I had four doubles, that he was Robert Plant from Led Zeppelin but had been brainwashed and replaced; things like that).

Please don't be upset with me, Indigo. I'm not at all unsympathetic, k? I'm just trying to make sense out of the bizarre details of your story because it's hard to believe that things could ever happen that way in a civilized country, and it just makes me wonder if you might be suffering from some sort of delusions in addition to your depression. Have you been checked out by a doctor for this?

EDIT: Oh, I almost forgot: happy birthday!

Hi there Indigo, First, I want to say **Happy Birthday!!!** I really hope it's a wonderful one, full of love laughter & happiness.

I'm sorry your family didn't remember. but like you said, considering thier history, I would shocked if they did remember. Thank God you've been blessed with suportive encouraging positive friends.

I'm truly sorry for all you've been through. But i must say, you seem like a wonderful success story, all you've overcome & the trials you had.

Please do NOT blame yourself for your brothers death. That was no your fault, you could not control him, or the vehicle. I'm glad you recognize the others weren't yours either. There was a reason for it, as hard as it has been, it was beyond your control & you will see him again. Don't take this on your shoulders. That guilt will destroy you.

Cutting: Yes you must find a way to stop, because it will tear you apart & leads to worse things . Finding why you do it? and how to control it is the first steps. You have a lot of pain inside, that you haven't dealt with. And projecting it on to the outside it probably a part of why you do it.

You must find a healthy way to release the pain. Pray, write, get a punching bag, learn an instrument, art....

Build yourself up, release all your pain in a healthy way that will strengthen you... don't tear yourself down one more day.

(reply for somebloke)

I'm not upset with you, and don't ask for your sympathy. But posting this will make it easier when I post other comments, if I happen to mention something from my past. Ok I'm going to try and sraighten this out for you.

My parents, well my Dad is an alcoholic. The stress of this makes my Mum not think straight either. Although I guess it's not their fault, they strike me as very uncaring. When they found my grandmother dead, it was almost like they needed someone to blame. I was the only one there at the time. A lot happened between this and my seventh birthday, which I did not include. When I was chucked out, I only lived on the streets for about a week. During that time, I did sleep under a bush a find food. I was lucky, because the man who owns the bakery became wise to me and gave me food for free. Nobody called the police, because nobody knew. Whenever anyone asked if I was ok, I told them I was. At the time, it didn't seem like a big deal. My teachers however thought I was making more of it than they thought. They thought I was exagerating things, thereforeeee arranged for me to stay with my best friend for the time being. My parents through all this just lied to fit with any reasonable story. My brother didn't see me for two years because he was never allowed. You assume wrong in that we went to the same school. I went to an all girls school, and he went to an all boys school. He could never have been responsible for calling the police either, he was only nine when I left. I don't think anybody ever actually told him what was going on. He wouldn't have known, and must have been very confused. After all this, surely you can imagine it was an incredible moment when we first saw each other. Everything around you goes into a blur. He ran. When he got hit, everything from there went kind of in slow motion. All I remember is holding him in my arms, and the paramedics telling me he hadn't made it. After this, the police were of course involved, so discovered I wasn't living with my parents. Which is when social services got involved. My parents always made out it was my choice to leave. I was too scared to go against what they said, so social services encouraged me to move back in. So that's what I had to do and why. Please ask more questions if you need to- and I'm sorry that I've put it all so confusingly. It's been overall a very confusing day.

And I am ->positive

(reply for flower99)

Wow, I'm certainly not a success story, not yet anyway, but thanks! I will always blame myself for my brothers death, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that there was nothing I could do to control it. Sometimes I just wanna see him so bad I think about just finishing it. But I know he would not be proud of me for that.

You have a point with the fact that dealing with emotional things on the inside has made me take it out physically on myself. I think this probably is part of why I do it. It has taken me ages to admit and accept that. If I make it to the end of today, I will have gone three days without cutting. I'm not quite sure how I'm doing it, but it sure is damn hard! Thank you for your support.

Love indigo

You're doing it cause you have far more strength within you than you know. Keep taking it one day at a time.

I believe you are a success stroy (: maybe you don't feel like it yet...but damn girl you will be. You're brother is waiting to see it

I hope you don't mind...but there are 2 verse that come to mind. They helped me when I was quiting cutting & meth I thought I'd pass it on...I found it encouraging. Maybe it might help you two...maybe not...but i'll let you decied (:

1 Corinthians 10:13 Remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.

James 1:2 whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.

If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do--ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking.

I wish you happiness indigo. I believe you have far more strength than you're aware of yet (: You're so wise & you've come so far...I believe you'll do something amazing in life.

You're doing it cause you have far more strength within you than you know. Keep taking it one day at a time.

I believe you are a success stroy (: maybe you don't feel like it yet...but damn girl you will be. You're brother is waiting to see it

 

You have more faith in me than...anyone! As each day comes, I will try and over come each little thing as it approaches. Its one of the only ways of getting by. If my brother was relying on me for entertainment he sure isn't getting it right now, ey? (unless he likes blood You've certainly helped cheer me up- thank you.

 

I hope you don't mind...but there are 2 verse that come to mind. They helped me when I was quiting cutting & meth I thought I'd pass it on...I found it encouraging. Maybe it might help you two...maybe not...but i'll let you decied (:

 

1 Corinthians 10:13 Remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.

 

James 1:2 whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.

If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do--ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking.

 

Of course I don't mind. I am glad you felt able to share them with me. They are very encouraging. I have a booklet of little things to encourage me and remind me it's possible. These are going in there right now. Thanks so much.

 

I wish you happiness indigo. I believe you have far more strength than you're aware of yet (: You're so wise & you've come so far...I believe you'll do something amazing in life.

 

It's amazing you have so much belief in me. I live in hope that what you say will one day become true.

 

x x x

You have more faith in me than...anyone! As each day comes, I will try and over come each little thing as it approaches. Its one of the only ways of getting by. If my brother was relying on me for entertainment he sure isn't getting it right now, ey? (unless he likes blood You've certainly helped cheer me up- thank you.

 

 

 

Of course I don't mind. I am glad you felt able to share them with me. They are very encouraging. I have a booklet of little things to encourage me and remind me it's possible. These are going in there right now. Thanks so much.

 

 

 

It's amazing you have so much belief in me. I live in hope that what you say will one day become true.

 

x x x

Glad I could help cheer you up

Trying to overcome little things as they approach is the only way to do it !!! I don't even know another way......if you try to take on the world it becomes overwhelming. You should be giving yourself more credit!

when you feel the urge, distract yourself. And post anytime.

I believe that you're still alive & still trucking it, and pulled through all these struggles for a purpose, and its not all in vain.

I don't think you're entertainment for your brother...although that makes me laugh...can picture him up there watching you

But I do believe that one day it will all make sense & you'll see why things happened the way they did & how all of it played a part in a big picture, something amazing you achieve or do with yourself.

None of it was done in vain.

Take it one day at a time, overcomeing each little thing that comes your way. 2 days going on 3. Happy birthday to you!!!!

pm me anytime (:

Firstly I forgot to say, well done on quiting cutting and meth!!! I cannot begin to think how hard that must have been...seriously- you're awesome!

One day I will join my brother, but that day will come in its own time. I will always blame myself for his death, but letting go will not make things better. I used to think it would, but I've learnt it wouldn't. Lately everything has seemed so slow and painful, it's like i'm only just coming to terms with everything that has happened. I actually had the knife on my skin last night, but managed to see it as though I was looking at myself. I was shocked and ashamed. I didn't do it though. Somehow, I didn't drag that knife.

I hope that one day, I will be able to look back at my scars, and be proud of the battles I fought- and won. I aim to be able to look at them and know they are in the past, and that I wont be fighting temptations later that day.

So, somehow I have done three days! This is the longest I've gone in....ages! Im trying not to look at the bigger picture. If I said right im gonna go 3 days, because even just three days looks huge to me.

Indigo x