How do you know you're ready for a baby?

I'm 25 and happily in love with my husband, with whom I'm celebrating our second wedding anniversary tomorrow. He really wants to have a baby with me. He's ready anytime. He loves kids and I know he will be a good father, especially since his father is. I, however, don't really like kids. Babies are cute though. I feel very awkward around kids because they're so honest and acute. I know I'll love my own child and be a great mom, but all I think about is how it will change our lives, take away my free time, and just overall be very hard. I have no idea when I'll be ready for a child. Even if one day I think it's a great idea and we have unprotected sex... what if the next day I don't want kids anymore? I just don't know if/when I'll be ready! What's a good way to feel ready? Any thoughts?

It doesn't sound like you're ready. You will know that you're ready when you think about kids and the joys of having the child and raising one outweigh the difficulties. I think you should also talk to your doctor about it because if you wait too long to have your first child, then complications will be more likely. But i'm no expert on that so I couldn't say if that means that 10 or 15 years from now will be too long or anything definitive like that.

hi there,

I think you're still very young to have children. You seem like a very wise and mature woman that thinks seriously about such an important decision, congratulations!

I don't think there's a specific thing that will tell you if you're ready or not, it's life in general. In my case, I've always thought I'd like to have one at age 35, and until now, I still think the same (I'm 32).

Listen to your heart, it will tell you when the time is right. Good luck!

$$$$$$$$ is my answer!

From my science background, I can tell you that the younger a woman has children, the larger chances that her children will be healthier, and that you'll be healthier in the long run. Did you know that women who have children in their teens have lower breast cancer risks than other women who wait longer, or never have kids? (but, they also have an increased risk of uterine cancer.)

Do you want to be a young energetic mom? do you think you'll have the same energy level to chase after rug-rats at 35 as you do now? these are big issues!

however, the money is another thing to think about. can you afford a child right now. children are a huge financial drain, and I wouldn't recommend having one unless you can figure out how to raise it. It's estimated that raising one kid, from birth to 18 costs $200,000! that's a lot!

so, you have a lot of factors to balance. energy vs. money. and as you get older, it will be harder to get pregnant, that is another thing to think about.

best of luck to you!

I'll never forget this piece of advice one of my best friends gave me after I asked him this exact same question a few years ago. He and his wife had been married for about two years, both in their early 30's, and were raising a one-year old:

"You are never really ready to have a child. It's the most challenging and rewarding thing you've ever done regardless of how 'ready' you think you are."

Those words really stuck with me for some reason. Maybe they'll speak to you too...

I, however, don't really like kids.

OOOPS!!!! I didn't catch this the first time around!

Um... raising kids is hard enough even if you are crazy about them!

do you even want children? if you don't, maybe you shouldn't be a parent in the first place.... they are a life-long committment, not just for 1 afternoon here and there, like babysitting.

I wouldn't have a child just because your husband wants one.

I would do some real soul-searching and decide if motherhood is for you. I like children enough... other people's children! I'm not decided if I want my own. But don't make that decision just because your husband wants them, because you're on the hook too!

Although I never wanted kids and will never have them, I would imagine liking kids would be a must. Even I like kids.

I think when you are ready youll know. NO one ever is truly ready, but if you dont want kids...... dont have them. Thats alot of weight on a kid if they arent wanted.

I am going to go with both this:

"You are never really ready to have a child. It's the most challenging and rewarding thing you've ever done regardless of how 'ready' you think you are."

And this:

I would do some real soul-searching and decide if motherhood is for you. I like children enough... other people's children! I'm not decided if I want my own. But don't make that decision just because your husband wants them, because you're on the hook too!

I don't think anyone can truly be prepared, no matter how much they love children, no matter how many experiences they have with siblings, babysitting, cousins...it's NEVER the same. However that being said, while it can be exhausting, it is also very rewarding from anyone I have talked too, and ultimately the love you receive in return in your life, the family you have, is in my opinion the most important thing in the end. For me, family, and having that through my life is so important.

At the same time, I know I am not ready NOW. I have a few things I need to accomplish first, in terms of my financial and emotional readiness for children, and my partner and I both do want to have them ONE DAY. Just not today, or tomorrow for that matter. And, I also know based on the facts I live a very healthy lifestyle and take care of myself, I do know I will have the energy, and better emotional and physical balance to take care of kids even if I do have them later on. If for some reason I do have problems conceiving when I am in my 30's, I will look at adoption instead, for me the fact I may have more trouble in my 30's is not a reason for me to rush into having them now when we are not yet ready.

So, ultimately, I think you are ready when you are ready, and you'll feel it. You'll never be totally prepared, but we as humans are amazing and adapt well to those changes and responsibilities. Of course it is hard....not just because of time, but because you will love that child immediately, and immediately feel you are responsible for that life. However, I know plenty of people whom had children whom also have a lot of their own time too and still have time for their hobbies and passions, it's all about balance, and especially supportive partners whom share in the child duties.

I think based on what you have said though, you are not ready for kids, at least not yet. But, honestly, I wonder if you and your husband ever discussed this BEFORE you got married, as it sounds like you may have had doubts about having kids for a long time, and it seems to me that this is an issue that would be rather important to be addressed before getting married. You should not have kids out of pressure, but ultimately, having such radical differences about having children or not is a bit of a dealbreaker for most people.

Thanks for all the thoughts!

I said that I do not like kids (generally, not all-inclusively), but this has made me not yearn for kids like women who love kids do. I am not concerned about loving my own child and thoroughly enjoying him or her... that is a non-issue. I know as a fact that I will LOVE my child and treasure him or her and want to be together all the time and do everything together. It's just because I don't like other people's kids that I do not CRAVE my own. I don't think "wow, kids are GREAT, I've got to have one of my own". I work at a furniture store and all the kids I ever see are uncontrolled maniacs who scream, or knock down all the sales signs, or climb on things, etc. HOWEVER, I believe this is more a reflection of the PARENTS, not the child. I have met utterly amazing kids whose parents are role-models for my future parenting. It'd just be easier if I loved kids and yearned for my own... then I wouldn't have to figure out how to be ready.

I think I am one of those people that will never feel really READY for anything that's hugely life-changing like having kids (as friscodj said). There's always something that must be in place... we must make a certain amount of money, we must live in a certain place, we must have a 4-door car, we must do this and have that. It could be endless. I think money is our big issue now since we need two incomes to live comfortably, but I want to be a stay-at-home mom indefinitely.

I am also apprehensive about labor... you know, the pain. I have experienced nothing remotely as painful.

Edited to add: I DO want kids one day! My concern is that I will never feel ready, so I could put it off indefinitely then find myself childless at 40 years old! That would be awful for me!

vagabond,

While all kids have their moments and some have more moments than others, I definitely would not take what you see in supermarkets as the rule...ha! Definitely the kids are often a reflection more of their parents...at least from what I have seen in my experiences in and outside my family. My mother is my role model personally for raising children! That's some big shoes to fill

Anyway, I want kids, but not know. I don't have that huge desire to have them yet either. I have in the past, it comes and goes, but this is okay with me too. It does not mean I do not want them I don't look at others kids and want them for myself either! I look at how great my relationship is with my siblings & mum though and know I want that...but that is not a yearning really, more of a desire and admiration of sorts.

Anyway, it sounds to me then like you do want them, and know they are a lot of work, but just are not ready NOW, and that is okay too. Just sit down with your husband and discuss what you see for the future, and how you want to be a stay at home mom, as if you want this, you two should start socking away some money NOW to allow for that in the future, and also perhaps look at how you may have to budget for that in the future by being more careful about how much money you spend and don't spend (ie in terms of housing, cars, vacations, meals).

As for labor....well, it is painful, but there are also many ways to help reduce that pain - keeping in good physical health helps (ie yoga is good for having more flexibility in childbirth), mental conditioning and...DRUGS. Prepare yourself, learn the techniques to reduce pain and just remember, you are not the first to be fearful, but women do it every minute! I know women whom have given birth both WITHOUT drugs and with them, and only ONE of them said it was too traumatic to ever do again (but she also had an emergency c-section and went into full shock on the operating table). Apparently the babies generally make you "forget" it, otherwise everyone would stop at 1!

Some women also opt to have a planned c-section if they are fearful of childbirth, and this is something you can discuss with your OB/GYN if it is something you would prefer.

Well, I actually want to have a natural childbirth at my home. I feel that it will be empowering and it will minimize the risks and guarantee that I get to hold my baby immediately afterwards, breastfeed, and go to bed together as a family that same night. Call me optimistic! I have thought about pregnancy, labor, birth, and life afterwards a LOT. Sometimes this makes me feel more prepared and sometimes it's too overwhelming and scary.

Well, I actually want to have a natural childbirth at my home. I feel that it will be empowering and it will minimize the risks and guarantee that I get to hold my baby immediately afterwards, breastfeed, and go to bed together as a family that same night. Call me optimistic! I have thought about pregnancy, labor, birth, and life afterwards a LOT. Sometimes this makes me feel more prepared and sometimes it's too overwhelming and scary.

Well, you still need to be prepared. My aunt had planned natural at home births for all three of her children, but the last one she had to be rushed to the hospital, so you still need to be READY for all possibilities and educated. And if you are a high risk pregnancy, you may HAVE to be in the hospital for the birth to begin with.

Even with a natural birth, there is no guarantee there is no risk, no complications or that you won't have to rush you or the baby off....so just be prepared.

I am not sure about there, but at hospital here if birth goes fine, you still get to hold your baby right after and you usually go home the same day you give birth these days, barring any complications for mother or child too.

I am not against home births though, as long as you are aware of all possibilities, have a GOOD midwife whom has hospital privileges (this is important in case you DO have to go to the hospital) and you can rely on.

Anyway, don't rush if you aren't ready yet. It's fine to not be ready YET, you are still young and have lots of time

Horror story time. My sister in law wanted to have her 3rd child at a birthing center. It is set up like a bedroom with a bathroom and tub attached. Nice king sized bed, comfy decorations.

Well, she started bleeding and they couldnt get the bleeding to stop, this is after the birth.. This had us all so worried. The birthing center had to take her by ambulance to the local hospital anyway. Luckily, the hospital was able to get the bleeding under control but what if those minutes it took to get to the hospital had been enough for her to not be with us anymore? Her children would have had no mom.

During th ebirth of my first child, my heart was failing. They had to give me an emergency CSection to save both our lives, since then I have had one more CSection and am pregnant now, however..... at the time of the birth of my first child I had no reason to think anything could or would go wrong, but it did. Had they not got the baby out quickly so taht they could save my life, I may not be here today typing this.

Just things to think about and two situations in my own personal life...

Southerngirl,

Those are both scary instances! One of my friends told her story to me a while ago, she had her daughter about 13 years ago now. Her birth was at first going well, but then due to the baby's heartbeat slowing due to the strain, they had to do an emergency c-section.

She started to lose massive amounts of blood, and went into shock on the table. She almost died. She remembers EVERY moment though of it, and how terrified she was.

She has a beautiful daughter, but she never, ever could bring herself to have another baby after that!

My aunt had the two natural births and thought she was fully ready for the last one...but that was the one she had to rush to hospital for when it went wrong!

My poor mother was in labour with me for 72 hours, 3 weeks overdue and breech. She ended up delivering natural, but I am sure she was thankful for drugs! My brother was born and would not breathe, so had to be in the NICU for a bit.....would of been scary at home for sure.

As said, definitely not against home births if you are educated on the risks, and prepared for the worst too...and have a midwife whom will not take chances if it gets serious and will take you to hospital. You need one whom does have hospital privileges, as is NOT against hospitals when required.

I think when it's my turn, I will find a nice hospital that has the birthing rooms and water baths and all the other nice, peaceful things.....but has doctors nearby!

Note to any first-time pregnant women: Do not read above comments!

YIKES!

Vavabond I want to thank you for the question you asked for I have been feeling the sameway. All though i have a different kinda problem i still wonder if I am ready or not. I am also 25 and in a new realtionship and i know he is ready to have kids and i am not sure i am also. I have been told seince I was 16 that I could nto have kids due to endomeiosis( sorry spelling is wrong) and it also took my mom and dad 13 year before they got me. The other thing is my ex of 6 years had 6 kids and he keep telling me I would make a bad mother for I could not really stand his kids. The reason is he let the run free and I was raised in a very strict house. I am scared that I might make a bad mother if I could not deal with his kids.

On the other hand I am teaching english in mexico right now and I love beening around the kids. My boyfriend said that he will help me with the kids when we have them. I am worried about the money and also the health issues for what if I can not have kids? I know I can adopt but I kinda would like my own. Also i like to work and have my time also. I am a only child and I can not do that to my kids. I have been looking at baby stuff and I have never done that before. I was always I will never have kids till i meet my boyfriend.

I am not sure I am ready for I also want to be married first and my boyfirend is like if it happenes before that it happens and he is willing to make it happen now. I get to se him in dec for the first time in a while for I have been in mexico and I am out of birth control and i have always been one that uses both condoms and birth control. I feel i am ready in someways and and in others I am not. How do you balance it and figure it out?