Afraid of Conflict

I've been doing some thinking and I've come to the conclusion that a lot of my problems are caused by my fear of conflict.

In my two and a half year relationship, I've found that often I just tell her what she wants to hear instead of speaking my mind. These little white lies have added up to create a person who doesn't exist.

For example, when my girlfriend asks me if I find any other girls attractive, I of course told her know because that's what she wants to hear.

Is it true? No.

How do you tell the truth when you know it's going to create a big fight?

Little white lies are the oil that stop friction in a relationship. The example you quote is a prime example.

What would be served by telling her the truth about that? She would be hurt and upset and you would jeopardise the relationship. Absolute truth can be very unkind.

It's ok to tell her she is the most beautiful person in the world or that those pants don't make her butt look fat.

You must not tell lies that make you someone you are not: for instance to say you believe in God if you not do not just because she does; or change your morals or beliefs to please her and thereforeeee compromise your integrity as a person.

It does not make you a hypocrite to tell little white lies - just wise.

Every relationship will have conflicts. It's part of life.

As far as little white lies, I preach this one to my kids a lot! What starts out as a small lie, will escalate. It becomes a habit because you like the results it produces. In your case no conflict. Telling someone what they want to hear instead of what the truth is, is like making a totally different person all together. You become comfortable in the what makes them happy instead of what you need to do in order to make the relationship work.

I agree some times you shouldn't tell the whole truth, like if she is wearing the most ugly dress you have ever seen but she loves it, tell her that she looks nice in it. Or if ask do I look fat in this, you wouldn't want to say absolutely. But if it's other stuff you should do your best to be honest or she isnt falling in love with you, she is falling in love with a lie, and when she figures it out, she'll be 3 times as angry.

I'm going with the low confidence option; I'm definitely not going to cheat on her. But her low confidence means that I often find myself walking on eggshells so that I don't say the wrong thing.

For example, when my girlfriend asks me if I find any other girls attractive, I of course told her know because that's what she wants to hear.

Is it true? No.

How would you feel if she told you that she found other guys attractive? Wouldn't there be a tiny little bit of jealousy? I've been in a relationship for almost two years, but I still find other guys attractive. It's something that should be a 'don't ask, don't tell' concept.

Aside from that, I think it really depends on the little 'white lies' you're telling her. For example, if you actually find certain other women attractive enough to cheat on your girlfriend, then it's a problem. Being fair doesn't necessarily mean being totally honest; it's unecessary to say something like, "Wow, Cindy is so hot that I would hit that in a second". Nobody wants to hear that they are 'second best'. Do you see where I'm going with this? Honesty is good, but to a point.

Regarding telling 'white lies': I think we all do it to some extent. Can you imagine how much your girlfriend would hurt you if she told you, in detail, what she's done with other guys before you? About what she talks about with her girlfriends? For example, my boyfriend knows that I once messed around with one of my guy friends. He bugs me about it, and is fishing for details, but I leave it at "messing around".

I can remember quite a few of your posts here (the marriage pressure one especially). Victor, let me ask you something: What is actually keeping you with this girl? Ask yourself honestly. I'm asking you this, because you seem dissatisfied with quite a few fundamentals regarding your relationship. If you need to break out, DO IT. If you don't, I can promise you that it's inevitable anyway. I think it's vital that we all go through a self-realization process.

How would you feel if she told you that she found other guys attractive? Wouldn't there be a tiny little bit of jealousy?

There probably would be some jealousy. But I don't ask her questions like that for that exact reason. I just accept that she's human and finds other guys attractive. With regards to what she has done with other guys before me, she was a virgin before me, and what she has told me doesn't bother me.

Victor, let me ask you something: What is actually keeping you with this girl?

I think the main thing keeping us together right now is the four months left on our lease, that and my extreme fear of her reaction if I told her that I wanted us to go our separate ways. She still wants me to marry her, which is definitely not going to happen.

Actually, that's one of those little white lies I've been going along with. She asks me a lot about the future and will we be married... I just end up saying yes because I know she'll freak out on me if I don't.

[i think the main thing keeping us together right now is the four months left on our lease, that and my extreme fear of her reaction if I told her that I wanted us to go our separate ways. She still wants me to marry her, which is definitely not going to happen.

Actually, that's one of those little white lies I've been going along with. She asks me a lot about the future and will we be married... I just end up saying yes because I know she'll freak out on me if I don't.

That is not a white lie at all. That is a huge black lie. It is cowardly and misleading and grossly unfair. If you have that much fear of her reaction, find a place of your own, suck up the four months rent left on the lease, and have the courage to end it with this girl who has done nothing wrong other than fall in love with you.

That is not a white lie at all. That is a huge black lie. It is cowardly and misleading and grossly unfair. If you have that much fear of her reaction, find a place of your own, suck up the four months rent left on the lease, and have the courage to end it with this girl who has done nothing wrong other than fall in love with you.

It's more complicated than that.

I can't just leave. There are a few reasons why; one is that she needs to use my car for her co-op placement for another month.

I know it's horrible just to stay with her even though I don't necessarily want to, but it would be unfair to her if she failed her co-op term because she didn't have a car.

I hate to say it, but you need to come clean to your girl and 'fess your true intentions. You are living a huge lie with her right now. How can either of you possibly be satisfied in a relationship like this? It is bad news all around. Don't tell someone what they want to hear in order to placate them. You are selling yourself and your own needs short, as well as hurting someone else in the process.

If you can't freely express yourself to your significant other or fear doing so, it is not a good relationship for either of you.

You are being selfish and you are really messing with her head right now. All these lies are not little ones, this chick is going to have a nervous break down when you do tell her you have no intention of marrying her and no intention of staying with her. That is not good and you need to tell her the truth ASAP, the longer you drag your feet the worse off it will be.

There are a few reasons why; one is that she needs to use my car for her co-op placement for another month.

I know it's horrible just to stay with her even though I don't necessarily want to, but it would be unfair to her if she failed her co-op term because she didn't have a car.

This is speaking from very memorable personal experience Vic: Postponing the inevitable will end up biting YOU in the butt. The longer you draw things out with her, the harder it gets to do what needs to be done. And, you will probably end up looking back on these years and wondering, "what the hell was I thinking?". These are your onofficial young, adventurous years. You will never be able to get them back.

Isn't she clued-in at ALL as to how you feel about this whole situation? I realize that I am not in a position to make such judgements, but I'll say it anyway: I think you are making a mistake in dragging this relationship on. While it is extremely unfair for you to mislead her into believing that there is more long-term potential (you're saying that there isn't), you're also being unfair to yourself. Try to remember that: you are cheating your own youth and freedom just as much as hers.

This will be a long one...

If you can't freely express yourself to your significant other or fear doing so, it is not a good relationship for either of you.

I agree. I think the problem is that we both come from backgrounds where we would be yelled at if we spoke our minds. So our "fights" take hours, but there is very little actually spoken. It's usually something said, followed by 15 minutes of silence, then something else is said... all while she is laying on the bed looking away from me.

How can either of you possibly be satisfied in a relationship like this?

It used to be a satisfying relationship, but once we moved in together, it really started going downhill. It's like we're roommates that share a bed and nothing more.

That is not good and you need to tell her the truth ASAP, the longer you drag your feet the worse off it will be.

It definitely seems that way.

And, you will probably end up looking back on these years and wondering, "what the hell was I thinking?". These are your onofficial young, adventurous years. You will never be able to get them back.

I already do that; pretty much from ages 13 on (minus the first year and a half or so of our relationship). We used to be adventurous in the beginning, but the most adventure we've had in the past few months is a night at the movies, and our only friends are one another.

Story: I have been debating on going to university this fall for months. I got two acceptance letters this week: one is for a 3 year program not too far from where we live now, the other is a 1 year program that is accross the country. (I haven't told her that I applied there)

I can't think of a better way to have an adventure than to go halfway accross the country and be forced to meet new people.

Isn't she clued-in at ALL as to how you feel about this whole situation?

I think she's starting to get the picture. We are currently in the middle of a big fight that's been going on for a few days.

She wants a definate answer right now regarding if I'm going to university in the fall or staying with my current job. I told her I don't know and she asked me three more times that day and I said she was pressuring me.

Now she is pissed off about that and is waiting for an apology.

I told her that I won't apologize.

During our argument she said that she doesn't want to get married anymore, and that she thinks that she has pressured me into everything.

So, I guess the wheels are slowly in motion. She's definitely hating me right now.

Victor, you've been with this girl for over two years now so you must be able to answer this next question on some level ... do you love her? (It's a yes or no question)

If the answer is no, get out. You are wasting your own time and hers as well. There should be no excuses to stay. She can figure out a car situation. You are being extremely unfair, and it has nothing to do with her failing a co-op term.

I agree with all the other posters. What are you doing? You know, it sounds to me like you are purposely needling her, and making her upset, so she'll break up with you. It sounds like you really don't want to be with her, but don't actually have the courage to break up with her yourself.

She can figure out the car thing by herself. You're not being fair to someone if you've already decided you don't want to marry them and you're still with them. She has every right to happiness - just as much as you do. Let her go and meet the person who is right for her, and you go out and meet the person who is right for you.

I feel so sorry for this girl. Here she is thinking that the rest of her life is going to be spent with the man she loves and all the time he knows that is not going to happen. It's like watching somebody walk innocently into the path of a bulldozer on tv - you know what's going to happen, that she has all kinds of hurt and grief coming and there is nothing you can do to help her.

The fact that you are having a fight is beside the point - and to manipulate things hoping she is the one who calls it off is underhanded and deceitful. You are putting the burden of ending the relationship on her and she will have the guilt and regret.

all that stuff about reasons you can't break it off now is camouflage. But it does not convince me, for one.

Victor, you know what the right thing to do is. I don't see the point in trying to stress it any further, but I think you know what needs to be done. I don't think that you're a bad guy, but I do believe that you're too scared to make this move. Just remember though, the longer you wait, the harder it gets.

I waited a couple of days so I could think about this next post.

Victor, you've been with this girl for over two years now so you must be able to answer this next question on some level ... do you love her? (It's a yes or no question)

I really don't know, whatever I feel for her isn't as strong as it used to be. I think I love her, but then again, I'm not even sure that I've ever loved anybody. As far as emotions go, I'm pretty stupid.

It sounds like you really don't want to be with her, but don't actually have the courage to break up with her yourself.

That's pretty much sums it up.

I wonder you can look at yourself in the mirror. And all that stuff about reasons you can't break it off now is camouflage. But it does not convince me, for one.

I want to do it, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm way too cowardly. As for looking at myself in the mirror, I do feel bad about this, but I don't have the courage to do it. But then again, I flip/flop on what I'm thinking very often. When we're having a fight, then I really feel like I want to end it, but once we make up, then I don't feel the same way.

It's not so much that I don't love her, but it's like OceanEyes said about these being my young and adventurous years.

I just feel like if I settle down now, it's like saying that I give up.

Is it better to lead a life of lies, or to face the music and come clean. Someone is going to get hurt. It probably won't be you, your deception no doubt will cause an ugly reaction which is something that can be expected. You have created the situation and now you need to fix it regardless of consequence. the longer it goes the worse it will be.

Very often moral courage is more difficult to summon up from within than physical courage. For the latter is often done in the heat of the moment - saving a child from danger at personal risk, or storming the beaches at Normandy. These feats are done when adrenalin is flowing and the "fight or flight' syndrome is in full flood.

Although the circumstances requiring moral courage can sometimes be required instantly - standing up against a racist comment in a group of people, for instance; it is very often needed after sober reflection. There is no instinctiive reaction, no adrenelin rush to propel you to do what is right.

And so the idea of taking that needed action begins to loom ever larger, and the possible consequences and ramifications have time to seep into the mind and sap the courage.

I suggest that you take a short time to decide for sure what you want to do. If it is to stay with this girl in a permanent relationship, then put your heart and soul into making it a success. Deal with problems and issues as positively as you can.

But if you are certain that you should not marry her, then prepare the ground. Work out issues beforehand in your own mind: such as the lease, her transportation difficulties and suchlike. Once you have them solved; and none should be used as an excuse to procrastinate; then summon up your will-power and tell her.

Be as kind as you can without giving her false hope. Tell her unequivocally that you are sure you want to break up and that you will not change your mind. Tell her the reason why, as kindly but as clearly as you can. Rehearse the words you will use, until you have them memorised.

Be prepared for tears, reproaches, even hysteria. But do not waver, do not give in - for you will only make matters much worse if you do. Be prepared as well for people to look upon you as the bad guy. Realise that you are really not - it is much more unkind to drift into a sham of a marriage than to end it before it is too late.

Saying you are too cowardly to do this is an excuse for not summoning the courage.

I agree with DN - even though initially, she may scream and call you ever name in the book, you are doing the right thing by calling it off with someone who you really don't want to marry. I mean, it won't be pretty, but it won't be as bad as if you chicken out at the altar, or if you file for divorce, and she slaps you with a big old alimony suit!!!

Yeah, like DN said, come up with a plan. Find a new place to live and all that. A few years ago, my friend was living with his gf of 2 year, and he decided that he didn't want to be with her anymore. So, he used my cell phone (he didn't have his own) to find a new place to live. The day he broke up with her, he gave her a check for the remaining 2 months' rent that was left on their lease they co-signed. He was able to move out right away.

I know this is hard, but I think if you've decided that she's not the one for you, you're not doing her any favors by staying with her. good luck.

I suggest that you take a short time to decide for sure what you want to do. If it is to stay with this girl in a permanent relationship, then put your heart and soul into making it a success. Deal with problems and issues as positively as you can.

...

But if you are certain that you should not marry her, then prepare the ground. Work out issues beforehand in your own mind: such as the lease, her transportation difficulties and suchlike. Once you have them solved; and none should be used as an excuse to procrastinate; then summon up your will-power and tell her.

...

Saying you are too cowardly to do this is an excuse for not summoning the courage.

I'm in the process of coming up with a plan. I think the biggest problem is that I really don't know what I want. One minute I think that I should work on this relationship, and the next I want to leave. Then when I think I want to leave, I don't know where I want to go.

Is it better to lead a life of lies, or to face the music and come clean?

Good point.

I mean, it won't be pretty, but it won't be as bad as if you chicken out at the altar, or if you file for divorce, and she slaps you with a big old alimony suit!!!

I agree. However, I won't let it go that far. I may be bad at going along with things, but I have been good with sticking to my point that I'm not ready for marriage and I probably won't be any time soon.

If I ever figure out what I want, I'm going to stop hiding behind excuses and just go for it. I have no idea when I'll be able to make that decision, but I'll end up posting it when I do it.

Thanks again everybody.

Well - I am glad you're working on it. It's too bad your gf hasn't read the book, "He's just not that into you." Because there's a great chapter in there, "He's just not that into you if he doesn't want to marry you." True, some people are just genuniely against the idea of marriage, but if they love someone, even they will find a way to compromise. I think if she had read this book, and took it to heart, she would be outta there by now!

I'm not sure why this needs so much planning though. Find a new place to live, hire a moving company, box up your stuff. It seems pretty straightforward to me... but, I'm not the one in the situation.

Have you ever been to the doctor for a procedure that you were dreading, but the dread was worse than the actual procedure. For example, last year, I needed to get my wisdom teeth out. Actually, my dentist has been telling met that since I was 16, but I was waaaaay too scared. I kept putting it off. I heard all of these horror stories about how much it hurt. And, actually, I had to go to an oral surgeon to get it done - I had some pretty bad problems with my teeth. I was so scared, I almost fainted before the procedure. But, after it was done, it barely hurt at all! I was even able to eat solid food the same night! For 7 years, I was freaking out, only to have it be over much less painlessly than I could have ever imagined. Perhaps it will be the same as your breakup?

Anyways... good luck - let us know how it goes.

I agree with DN - even though initially, she may scream and call you ever name in the book, you are doing the right thing by calling it off with someone who you really don't want to marry. I mean, it won't be pretty, but it won't be as bad as if you chicken out at the altar, or if you file for divorce, and she slaps you with a big old alimony suit!!!

This is really good, and reasonable advice. There's no doubt that she's going to be pretty upset about it (you can't really blame her), but imagine how much harder it will be in the future if there is marriage or children involved?

I've been the one to end two serious relationships, and neither guy has been happy about it. The first boyfriend was so mad that he did call me every name in the book. But, we all moved on, and I'm actually friends with both of them now. Life does have to go on, and although I'm sure she will put up a fuss in the beginning, she will really see that you weren't right for her and be happier in the long run with someone else. I promise you this.

Well, I tried, but I couldn't get the words out. I find I do things like this quite often. When I try to say things that will create conflict, I end up doing the exact opposite. Then when it's over I just thing WTF???

I'm not done yet, I'll try again. I just thought I would give an update.

Have you ever been to the doctor for a procedure that you were dreading, but the dread was worse than the actual procedure.

I've been the one to end two serious relationships, and neither guy has been happy about it. The first boyfriend was so mad that he did call me every name in the book. But, we all moved on, and I'm actually friends with both of them now. Life does have to go on, and although I'm sure she will put up a fuss in the beginning, she will really see that you weren't right for her and be happier in the long run with someone else. I promise you this.

I would love to be able to stay friends with her after this. I still like her, but I just don't see a romantic future for us.

rehearse what you want to say and then say it