How can you tell if its commitment phobia or something else?

Can anyone tell me what are some common signs to tell if you are with a commitment phobe, how they usually break up with someone, things the person commonly says.. traits a commitment phobe has?

Does anyone know any good websites where I can get some information on commitment phobia or any good books on it?

Thanks

are you afraid someone you know is a commitment phobe?

I guess you can say that

may i ask who or is that not okay.

Its kindof a long story its someone I went out with, pretty much and I am trying to figure out what went wrong.

A friend of mine once told me : If was committment-phobe I would be afraid of ALL women.

I had to think about that one for awhile...

Often girls come up with the idea that a guy is commitment-phobic, when really he was simply not that into them. I know it sucks, but rather than worrying about what went wrong or why, move on to bigger and better things.

I think that when even the most... shall we say "selective"... guy meets the RIGHT girl, he will be eager to commit. Similarly, when the right guy meets you, he will do all that he can to win you for keeps. Don't worry about the ones that got away.

Take care!

Yeah, I know but it is weird when a guy claims they are super into you, then the next month, they completely aren't and have gone from hot to cold. Lol.

I agree with Muneca. I don't believe in this whole "commitment-phobia" thing. I think once you meet the right person, you're not afraid to spend the rest of your life with them. "Commitment-phobia" is just an excuse for "I'm not sure that you're the person I want to be in a relationship with." But no one ever wants to say it to your face, so they come up with other excuses. At least, that's my opinion.

Anyways, you asked for a good book, I would read two: "He's just not that into you." You can go to amazon and flip through a few pages of it. It's funny and brutallly honest. The other is "Venus and Mars on a Date" by John Gray. They've both helped me understand relationships a bit better, and I've been better able to reflect on what went wrong in previous relationships.

Good luck!

Yeah, I have to agree that I think commitment-phobia is often just an "excuse" or a politer way for a guy to say "I just don't think you are the RIGHT ONE for me". I mean, it feels better for us if he says he rejects ALL women, rather than just us specifically, right?

The thing is, even self-professed commitment phobes discover they are not commitment phobes at all when that right woman walks into their life. Trust me, as much as it hurts to find out there is nothing you can do as you are just not the right one for the guy you love, it is just paving the way for the guy who WILL go to the ends of the earth for you..in the end you will see why everything happened the way it did, and be grateful it did!

I also second annie's recommendation of "He's Just Not That Into You". Great little book...not a long read, but hilarious, and will leave you feeling good about yourself and having a few of those "a-HA" moments.

You know.. I keep hearing about that book, I think I'll read that next.

I have an example of this: my committment-phobe x ( who also ran hot and cold) informed me a little while back that he had moved in with someone and was happy AND was making a committment. So what happened to his phobia?

You are not alone.

Most "commitment-phobes" are not scared of marriage - they are scared of divorce

Here's one more vote for "He's Just Not That Into You" (I own it) and for a little self help and a few ideas how you can stop giving your heart away just to have it broken, read "Why Men Love B*****" as a more modernized version of "The Rules".

I think that CP is more apt to describe someone who rubberbands.

Its not so much that they wont commit too you, but that they also can not commit to not being with you.

Is it a disorder ? No, I think its scared souls who are so afraid to be alone , that they settle for anyone as a way to bide time till the "one" shows up.

I was a female committmentphobe for a long time. I had lots of flings, but wanted nothing to do with a more serious relationship. Anytime a guy threatened to get a little too close, I ran in the other direction. I didn't even want to consider the idea of committing to someone.

Then I met a guy with whom I became best friends. When he informed me that he had more than friendship-type feelings for me, my first instinct was to bail. But something about this man made me want to change my ways. I fought my instinct for a long time, and he was tenacious in his quest to make me love him.

Go know, it worked. Now I've not only gotten beyond my committmentphobia, but I'm anxiously awaiting a marriage proposal (which he already has planned) and we're apartment-hunting in March. I love this man more than anything in the world, and I truly believe that I was a committmentphobe who recovered simply because I met the man that I was born to love be loved by.

So, muneca, maybe that is the case with your ex. I'm sure there are many guys who would be surprised to find out how in love and committed I am to someone else now.

You are right Mermaid. I don't think I was the right person for him and he was definitely not the right man for me.

Hey everyone, wow I didn't realize this thread got so many replies. I have heard of that book but haven't read it. Anywho I think mainly what made me curious of such a thing about him was that he told me he got scared himself and everything was going so well until things got a little serious and he seriously backed off.. so I was trying to gather info I can see where it is coming from though. The weird thing was how he kept saying I was amazing this and that blah blah and didn't want to lose me I think in a way he was scared I'd leave him like his previous g/f did.. but who knows really. Thats why I was trying to gather info on it, just my way of finding out whats what with things. Thanks for the replies

Signs that he may be a commitment phobe or ambivalent:

1.You feel like he is playing games with you and jerking you around.

2. He takes a long time to get back to you when you call or email him, as in days.

3. He has a one track mind and it's all about seducion.

4. He's unreliable

5. He disappears on you for days or weeks at a time.

6. He's unpredictable.

7. He's self absorbed

8. He wants what he wants, RIGHT NOW, HIS WAY.

9. His life is a mystery to you and he wants it that way.

10. He's superficial

11. He takes no responsibility for his own behavior.

12. He's married or dating other women.

13. What he says isn't what he does.

14. He tells you he's not into relationships right away.

15. He loves those singles events!

16. He flirts but never asks you out.

17. Won't give you his home number.

18. Bad track record with other women

19. Flirts with other women IN FRONT of you.

20. He thinks you're perfect when he first meets you, then splits when you fall off that pedestal.

BTW, if you are a woman and these apply to you, if you are reading yourself in those lines, you might be afraid to commitment yourselves. You hook up with these guys because you are the same.

No Criticism here, I've discovered that I'm ambivalent myself.

That list sounds like the perfect description of a PLAYER.

I agree with you, muneca.. some of those sounds like commitment phobe-y traits but most of it just sounds like a player/jerk guy .

Justagirl, those 2 books also helped me. They are painfully honest.

Evy38, that list has more to do with a complete jerk (just watch S and the City to see what kind of guys to avoid!!).

The most common commitment phobic that drives us crazy is really a nice guy. He calls, he is not late, he sees you frequently, he does not have another woman, etc....he just doesn't want to give you a ring! He doens't want marriage or even living together. he is scared of losing his "freedom". He was either hurt before or sees marriage as a ball and chain.

The most common commitment phobic that drives us crazy is really a nice guy. He calls, he is not late, he sees you frequently, he does not have another woman, etc....he just doesn't want to give you a ring! He doens't want marriage or even living together. he is scared of losing his "freedom". He was either hurt before or sees marriage as a ball and chain.

I can't agree more! It takes me several years to realize that. Except in my previous relationship he said early he wanted to live together to try it out. I should have known "try it out" is a danger sign.